Enforcing Rules with Young Children

When enforcing rules with young children, there are at least three sequences of events that can be followed.

Sequence One:

1. Provide clear rules (“In ten minutes, it will be time to clean up and get ready to go home.”).

2. Provide a reminder (“Remember, you have five minutes left to play and then it’s time to clean up and go home.”).

3. Provide a choice (“You can either clean up now and we will have time to stop at the playground on the way home or I will clean up your toys and we will go straight home.”)

4. Follow through with promised consequence (positive or negative)(“Thank you for cleaning up your toys quickly; now, we have time to stop at the playground on the way home.”).

5. Review sequence of events (“No, we can’t stop at the playground on the way home because you didn’t clean up your toys when I asked you to.”).


Sequence Two:

1. Describe expected behavioral outcomes (“I know that you will try hard to share your toys with Michael when we go over to his house to play.”).

2. Outline consequence of behavioral choices (“If you can’t share your toys with Michael, we will have to go home.”).

3. Provide warnings (“I want you to think about what will happen if you continue to grab toys from Michael.”).

4. Offer help (“Would it help you if I explained how Michael feels when you grab toys from him?”).

5. Follow through with consequence (“Now we have to go home because you can’t seem to stop grabbing toys from Michael. You can try again another day.”).


Sequence Three:

1. State behavioral requirements (“I want you to pick up your Legos when you’re finished playing with them.”).

2. State feelings associated with non-compliance (“It makes me angry when you do not listen when I ask you to pick up your Legos.”).

3. Provide consequence for failure to comply (“If you do not clean up your Legos after you are finished playing with them, I will put them away in the closet for the rest of the day.”).

Natural and Logical Consequences

This method of discipline holds the child responsible for the consequences of his behavior. It allows children to make their own decisions about what course of action to take. It enables children to learn from their experiences and does not shield them from the natural or social order.

Natural consequences are those in which decisions are followed by the naturally-occurring results. For example, if the child refuses to wear a coat in the wintertime, he will be cold. If he refuses to eat dinner, he will be hungry, and if he handles a toy roughly, it will break. When there is a natural consequence for the child’s behavior, the parent need not insert herself into the situation. The child is very likely to learn from his experience without input from the parent other than to review with the child the cause and effect ("I'm sorry that you broke your airplane, but you did not play with it gently, and so it broke. Next time, you might choose to handle your toys with more care.").

For example, if your child chooses not to study for a test, then it is likely that he will not do very well. When he receives his grade, you can ask him if he is satisfied with the grade. Assuming that he wants to do well, you can remind him that he chose not to put much effort into studying, and that this was the predictable result. You can encourage him by saying that you have every confidence that if he puts in the necessary work in the future, he will do better.

Sometimes the situation doesn’t play out as you might expect, but that’s okay, too. My younger daughter, Miriam, wore shorts every day to middle school one year, no matter the weather. As it turned out, she was in a contest with her math teacher regarding who would “fold” first and wear long pants. He managed to wear shorts every day until it snowed (this was a private school where he could get away with this), and then he caved in. She won the bet and continued to wear shorts for the remainder of the school year. The point of this story is that, as a 12-year-old, Miriam was perfectly capable of making the decision about what to wear every day on her own and was able to live with the consequences, and it was not a point of contention in our household.

The next best thing in terms of consequences are “logical” consequences. Logical consequences are imposed by the parent when the natural consequence is either too dangerous or too far removed in time. Logical consequences are an effective way to control behavior and still allow children the freedom to make decisions that are healthy and safe.

An example of this would be, if your child leaves his bicycle in the driveway (and it hasn’t been run over yet—which would be a natural consequence) for the umpteenth time (he knows that he’s supposed to put it in the garage when he’s finished with it), he loses the privilege of riding his bike for a week. If your child breaks a toy due to his rough handling of it, then you do not replace it.

The three important components of any consequence—natural or logical—are that the consequence occur (or be imposed) as soon as possible after the misbehavior has occurred, that it is commensurate with the seriousness of the misbehavior, and that it is imposed in a matter-of-fact way.

Perhaps the most difficult aspect of logical consequences is for parents to come up with a positive consequence of following a rule. Remember, the positive consequence may be naturally occurring, and, thus, may happen without parental intervention. For example, if the child takes turns when playing with a friend, the interactions with the friend will be positive. If no positive consequence is forthcoming, then the parent must come up with one. This can be as simple as “catching them being good” and praising the behavior, or it may consist of doing something with the child that the child enjoys, such as going to the playground after the child has chosen to follow a rule in a particularly challenging situation. No matter what, ensuring that positive consequences occur as a result of following a rule must be practiced in order for it to become automatic.

Logical Consequences versus Punishments

Punishments deny children the opportunity to make their own decisions and to be responsible for their own behavior. The goal of punishment is to force the child into submission. On the other hand, imposing logical consequences for misbehavior encourages responsibility on the part of the child. Logical consequences hold the child responsible for his own behavior and allow him to make decisions about what course of action to follow. It also permits children to learn from their mistakes.

Logical consequences have great advantages over punishment. Don Dinkmeyer and Gary McKay (1989) contrast logical consequences and punishments.

• Logical consequences demonstrate some reality (“I realize that you like to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings, but I am trying to read and the television is too loud for me to concentrate. Either turn down the volume or go outside and play until I'm finished reading this article.”), while punishment uses the power of the parent over the child (“If you don’t turn down that TV, I’ll take away your television privileges for a week!”);

• Logical consequences are intimately related to the behavior (“I am going to vacuum the carpet in your room today, but there are toys and clothes all over the floor, so I can’t do that. Either put away your things, or I’ll bag everything up and put it all away for a couple of weeks, so you won’t have access to it.”), while punishment has little or nothing to do with the behavior (“Clean up your room or you’ll be grounded this weekend.”);

• Logical consequences are impersonal and do not imply moral judgment (“Since you lost my CD, you will have to replace it. How do you plan to do that?”), and punishment is personal (“You’re completely irresponsible! I’m taking away your phone for a week!);

• Logical consequences are concerned with present and future behavior (“I’m sorry that you can’t go to Susie’s house tomorrow, but you didn’t take the responsibility for coming home on time today seriously.”), while punishment is solely concerned with past behavior (“You violated curfew, so you can’t go out this weekend.”);

• Logical consequences are delivered with friendliness and goodwill (“No, you can’t play with the dog today because you didn’t take the time to feed and water him as you were supposed to do. You can try again tomorrow.”), while punishments are often delivered in anger (“I can’t believe that you didn’t take care of the dog again today! You’re completely irresponsible. You’re grounded for a week!”);

• Logical consequences provide a choice (“You may either settle down or leave the dinner table until you’re ready to sit and eat with the family.”), while punishment demands obedience (“Stop playing with your food or you’ll be sorry!”); and,

• Logical consequences don’t force children to submit to the parent’s will; they allow an element of choice and decision-making (“If you can’t stop fussing, we won’t be able to continue shopping because we are disturbing the other people in the store. Either stop fussing or we will go home now and try again tomorrow.”).


Dinkmeyer and McKay enumerate the basic principles of natural and logical consequences:

1. Rewards and punishments deny children the opportunity to make their own decisions and to be responsible for their own behavior;

2. Natural and logical consequences require that children be responsible for their own behavior;

3. Natural consequences are those that permit the child to experience the natural order of the physical world;

4. Logical consequences permit children to learn from the reality of the social world;

5. For consequences to be effective, the child must see them as reasonable;

6. The purpose of natural and logical consequences is to motivate children to make responsible decisions, not to force them into submission;

7. Be both firm and kind. Tone of voice demonstrates kindness and follow-through demonstrates firmness;

8. Don’t overprotect children from natural or logical consequences;

9. Be consistent in your responses to misbehavior;

10. Separate the deed from the doer;

11. Encourage independence;

12. Avoid pity--demonstrate empathy instead;

13. Refuse to become overly concerned about what others think;

14. Recognize who owns the problem and act accordingly;

15. Talk less, act more;

16. Refuse to fight or to give in;

17. Let all the children share in the responsibility when they are involved in a conflict;

18. When you do things for children that they can do for themselves, you rob them of self-respect and responsibility; and,

19. Be patient--it will take time for natural and logical consequences to become effective.


Steps in Providing Consequences according to Dinkmeyer and McKay (1989):

1. Provide choices;

2. Use neutral language and a positive tone of voice;

3. When you follow through with a consequence, assure your child that there will be another opportunity to change his decision later; and,

4. If the behavior is repeated, extend the time that must elapse before the child may try again.

One of the most useful and easiest consequences to impose is timeout. Timeout is a logical consequence because it removes the child from the setting in which he is misbehaving. For example, if he is throwing food at the table, he must leave the table for a timeout.


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References:

Dinkmeyer, Dan and McKay, Gary D. (1989) The Parent's Handbook. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service.

Consequences, Firmness, and Control

Consequences that are reasonable and well thought out are more often seen as “fair” by the child and are less likely to be met with anger, resentment, or resistance. Presenting consequences in a firm and matter-of-fact tone of voice is best. If reasonable consequences are meted out this way, children are more likely to accept them as a natural part of the learning process. It is important to realize that parents do not help their child when they shield him from the consequences of his behavior.

Firmness involves being clear about your authority. Parents who are less conflicted about their authority and are able to maintain unambiguous lines of authority between themselves and their child have children who are more cooperative. Furthermore, children who are clear about parental expectations are better able to use sound judgment in the absence of supervision.

Firm control must be established early in your child’s life. In order to establish firm control, don’t make idle threats, don’t let significant misbehavior slide, and don’t give in when children (especially very bright children) use highly verbal means to try to get their way. Also, remember that children want and need limits in order to feel secure.

In addition, keep in mind that there is a difference between being “in control” and being “controlling.” There are two types of control: behavioral control and psychological control. Behavioral control has a positive effect on child development whereas psychological control (being “controlling”) has a negative effect. An example of behavioral control is: “I’m sorry that you did poorly on your math test. Until you pull your grade up, TV time is being eliminated. Do you need some help studying?” An example of psychological control is: “If you don’t stop being such a slacker, you’re going to be flipping burgers at McDonald’s for the rest of your life.” Usually parents only resort to psychological control if they are feeling pushed to their limit. The use of psychological control demonstrates a lack of appropriate tools in the parental tool box.

This is not to say that a child will never feel guilt or shame. A child whose conscience has been developed over the years will sometimes do things that make him feel guilty or ashamed. These feelings should never be pushed upon children by the actions of the parent, however. If a child does do something that triggers a guilty conscience, it is a good idea for the parent to discuss with the child how such a thing happened given that they knew that what they were doing was against the rules or was morally wrong. These conversations are important to teaching the child to learn from his mistakes and to develop sound judgment.

Good judgment takes years to develop, however, and the Prudent Parent recognizes that children, tweens, and teens will make mistakes in judgment due to their lack of experience. The question to ask yourself in situations like these is, does my response to the misbehavior support the child’s development of good judgment and independence?

Negotiable and Nonnegotiable Rules

In every household, there are nonnegotiable rules. Nonnegotiable rules are usually those that keep children safe and healthy, teach responsible behavior and good citizenship, and promote effective interpersonal skills. For young children, a nonnegotiable rule might be that they are not allowed to cross the street without an adult holding their hand. For teens, it might be that they are never to get into a car driven by someone who has been drinking or taking drugs.

Other rules may be negotiable. These are rules can be altered depending upon the circumstances (or upon the ability of the child to make a good case for modifying the rule on a short-term basis). What is the value of having negotiable rules? Negotiable rules demonstrate to the child that the parent can be reasonable and flexible. Also, every child needs to learn how to negotiate in the world. This gives him a head start.

An example of a negotiable rule might be bedtime for a middle-school-aged child. If the child is having a sleep-over on a weekend and his usual bedtime is ten o’clock, when his friends are over on a Saturday night, he might argue that they should be allowed to stay up until eleven o’clock. As long as he knows that by saying “yes” to his request, you are not making a permanent change in the rule, it’s fine to allow for special dispensation under these circumstances.

Keep in mind that if a rule needs to be modified frequently, the rule itself may need to be changed.

Establishing Rules

The Prudent Parent creates uncomplicated, developmentally-appropriate rules that can be consistently applied. She explains the reason for the rule at the time that it is made and provides reminders as needed, recognizing that children are more likely to internalize rules that are justified reasonably.

In order to ensure that rules are not arbitrary, before creating a rule, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does the rule keep the child safe and healthy?

2. Does the rule help the child to deal with negative emotions?

3. Does the rule help the child to get along with others?

4. Does the rule help the child to develop honesty, integrity, and responsibility?

In addition to being well-considered, rules should have both positive and negative consequences. Following the rule should have a positive consequence, and breaking the rule should have a negative one. Children should naturally experience significantly more positive than negative consequences.

It is important to note that positive consequences need not be "rewards," as such. For example, if the rule is that the kindergartener shares his toys with his friends on play-dates and he follows that rule, he will "earn" the natural consequence of a fun play-date with his friend. On the other hand, if he breaks the rule, the parent must see to it that there is a logical, negative consequence (cutting the play-date short, for example) associated with that behavior (see "natural and logical consequences" in a future post).

There is no way to make a comprehensive list of rules for each developmental stage, but there are some rules that I consider to be at least somewhat universal. These include the following:

1. Ask for things without whining. This is a very good rule that is applicable to children of almost all ages. Children must learn early on that whining gets them nowhere or whining will continue ad nauseam.

2. Family meals must be “unplugged.” This rule is one that has only recently become an issue. Family meals should be “unplugged” so that conversation is possible. Dinnertime should be family time, especially since getting the whole family together for dinner, in some households, is such a rare occurrence.

3. The hour before bedtime must be “unplugged.” This means that children should not use digital media within one hour of bedtime. This rule is also one that has only become necessary in recent years, but studies have shown that screen time before bed is disruptive to sleep and should be discouraged.

4. Be polite. This rule can include a wide range of smaller rules that you model as much as you enforce. Consider modeling and requiring that all family members:

a. Say “please” and “thank you;”
b. Speak in an “indoor voice” when indoors;
c. Use table manners; and,
d. Send thank-you notes.

5. Behave in a peaceful manner. This means that hitting, yelling, and behaving violently are not acceptable. This rule is a good one for everyone in the family to adopt, including the parents. Parents who resort to yelling and hitting cannot reasonably expect their children to refrain from these behaviors.

Once a rule has been established, it should be enforced quickly and consistently following the infraction. It is important to tell the child what he has done wrong each time he breaks a rule and to remind him of the reason for the rule as necessary. It is not advisable to try to reason with your child when he breaks the rule, however. Endless discussion may make you feel better about imposing discipline, but it does little to help the child internalize the rule (which is one of the goals of discipline). Rather, it makes all rules seem negotiable to your child (see "negotiable and non-negotiable rules" in a future post).

There will undoubtedly come a time when your child either makes a big fuss about the imposition of a consequence or refuses to comply with that consequence. This is when the Prudent Parent truly holds fast. With regard to fussing, my technique was to consciously ignore it after saying something like, “You can choose to fuss all you want, but I don't have to listen to it.” Then, I would walk away if I could, turn a deaf ear if I was stuck with the child (in the car for example), or send the child to timeout (see "timeout" in a future post) so that he could pull himself together. In the event that he refuses to comply with a rule, I would calmly repeat the request. If he still refuses, I would let him know that refusal is not an option and that continued attempts at refusal will result in a more serious consequence.

When your child is in a fit of temper because his desires were thwarted by you, keep in mind that children are not fragile. They are, in fact, quite resilient. And they are forgiving. As long as you remain calm in the face of your child's anger, you will eventually prevail, and the child will calm down. Keep in mind that the tween who screams, “I hate you! You’re the worst mother in the world!” may sweetly ask you to drive her to the mall in an hour.

Discipline is Teaching: Rules and Consequences

In general, the fewer rules you need, the better, because the more rules you make, the more you have to enforce. There’s absolutely no point in making a rule and not having any consequence for breaking that rule. Similarly, a parent should never “threaten” a consequence without being willing to follow through.

When making rules, it is important to understand the capability of the child to follow rules at any given stage of development. It is counterproductive to put children into situations in which they cannot be successful. For example, it is unreasonable to expect a first grader to complete an hour of homework. But, setting the bar too low can lead to delays in the development of self-discipline as well. Expecting a kindergartener to take turns is perfectly reasonable.

Also keep in mind that children will make mistakes. They will push limits and break the rules. When they do make a mistake, they need to learn to cope. Parents can model handling mistakes if they talk about the mistakes they make and how they deal with them (“I wish that I hadn’t left doing the laundry until so late in the day. I would have felt better about myself if I had gotten it out of the way earlier.”).

Finally, take note that discipline, when done right, is a lot of work for the parent. It is much easier to punish than it is to plan ahead and to teach. But it’s very much worth it in the end. The better you do your job when your child is young, the less you’ll have to discipline him when he’s older.

The essentials of discipline include the following:
• Identifying necessary developmentally-appropriate rules;
• Phrasing rules in positive language (do’s rather than don’t’s);
• Determining reasonable and developmentally-appropriate logical or natural consequences; and,
• Explaining the reason for the rule and the consequence to the child in language that he can understand.

Discipline is Teaching: Limits, Guidance, and Encouragement

Before you can help your child learn to behave in an appropriate manner, you must develop a close relationship with him. This begins in infancy. Every time you respond to your baby’s physical, social, and emotional needs, you are building closeness. As your child grows, this closeness becomes richer. It is on this emotional closeness that discipline depends.

Discipline can be thought of either as teaching or punishment. Punishment is a poor teacher. While it bullies children into following the rules in the presence of the parent, it does not lead to the development of internal controls that operate independently of supervision. Setting limits, providing guidance, and supplying encouragement are much more effective at teaching children how to behave appropriately. It is in this spirit that I use the word discipline and apply it to raising children.

Setting limits helps children know how to behave in various situations. Without limits, children feel insecure and out of control. Limits should be set thoughtfully and not when the parent is under stress. Parents should explain the reasons for the limits in language that the child can understand.

Once limits are set, children need guidance in order to behave in accordance with the limitations. By guidance, I mean letting the child know that what he is doing is either acceptable or unacceptable and, if it is unacceptable, offering a more-acceptable alternative behavior. Sometimes your disapproval is all that is needed to keep a child from all-out misbehavior. For example, “I don’t like it when you leave your toys all over the floor. When you’re finished playing with them, please put them away. I will help you.” The stronger the parent-child bond, the more effective gentle guidance will be.

In order to want to do their best, children need frequent encouragement. Encouragement is the process by which the parent focuses on the child’s strengths in order to build self-confidence and self-esteem. One thing that parents should always seek to do is to “catch them being good.” When your child behaves appropriately, be sure and let him know that it pleases you (“I like it when you pick up your toys when you’re finished playing with them.”). Encouragement should also be used in place of rewards and punishments as much as possible so that the child develops the ability to do the right thing just because it is the right thing to do, not in anticipation of a reward of some sort. Part of the process of encouragement is minimizing the importance of mistakes and focusing, instead, on successes and strengths. Part of minimizing mistakes is ignoring minor misbehavior.

Homework Routine

Determine with your child the best place and time for him to do his homework every day. If your child is in elementary school, make sure that he has all of the materials he needs before he begins—lots of time is wasted looking for pencils, paper, stapler, and markers. In addition, make sure that he has had a snack before sitting down to do homework. It also might be a good idea to let him play for half an hour before doing his homework to get rid of any excess energy he may have. In addition, help your child learn to take 10-minute breaks if he has a lot of homework to do. Also, help him to break down tasks into smaller components if the tasks are overwhelming to him. It is best to leave the use of digital media until after homework has been completed.

Once your child is in middle school and beyond, homework should be his responsibility. If he has trouble remembering to do assignments, you might want to ask him what he has for homework each day and ensure that he sits down to do his work before engaging in recreational activities, but beyond this, he should accept the responsibility (and the consequences of a failure to live up to this responsibility) himself. The Prudent Parent knows that being unprepared for school once or twice should be sufficiently uncomfortable for him to ensure that he lives up to his responsibilities in the future.

Morning Routine

A morning routines is useful for children who are leaving the house in the morning to go to daycare, to preschool, or to elementary/middle school. Even if the child is not old enough to understand completely, explain the situation to him anyway. Assure him that you love him and that you will think of him during the day. Let him know who will pick him up at the end of the day. The more matter-of-fact, confident, and cheerful you are, the more optimistic he will feel about it.

Encourage the child to express his feelings about the situation, and accept both positive and negative feelings (“I know that you’re a little scared about going to preschool, but I think that you’re also excited for this new experience. It’s okay to feel both things at the same time.”). If the child is feeling any anxiety about the situation, role play (perhaps with doll) “going to work” and “going to daycare.”

In order to steam line the morning routine, it is best to give the child his bath (or have him take a bath) the night before when he has school in the morning. There will be enough to do to get everyone out the door without adding bathing to the list. Other things to be done the night before are laying out clothes for the next day, packing backpacks with everything needed for school, and laying out sports equipment or other materials needed for after-school activities.

It is best for the child to use an alarm clock to wake up as soon as he enters elementary school, and you should have him include setting the alarm clock as part of the bedtime routine. This takes getting up out of the realm of negotiation with the parent. If the clock says it’s time to get up, then it’s time to get up. Post a list of exactly what the child needs to do, in what order he needs to do it, and how long he has to do each task.

At the beginning, you’ll have to keep an eye on your child to make sure that he’s following the routine and not lagging behind. You may want to have some practice runs before school starts in the fall to get him in the swing of things. Once he has the routine down pat, you can involve yourself less in his getting ready.

One thing to avoid is rescuing your child once he is able to follow the morning routine. If he fails to get up when the alarm clock rings, then let him experience the natural consequences of not getting up on time. Getting up on one’s own is a big step toward independence and something he will need to be able to do once he’s left home.

Also, if he forgets something at home, let him suffer the natural consequences of doing so. Part of developing responsibility is making sure that he has everything he needs for his day before he leaves the house. If he suffers the natural consequences of his responsibility lapse, he will be more likely to remember everything he needs in the future. If he is too young or immature to do this on his own, help him by discussing the next day’s activity schedule the night before and helping him to collect what he needs. As he becomes more capable, let him do this with less and less assistance from you.

Model accepting this responsibility by laying out everything you need for your day the night before as well. If your child sees you taking your responsibility seriously, then he is more likely to do so. And by doing this, you achieve the added benefit of eliminating the need to run around in the morning when time is short.

Leave-Taking Routine

Tuned-in babies can perceive evidence of their mother getting ready to leave as young as six months of age. This can lead to crying. But getting into a routine of how you take your leave of your baby can be soothing to him. Later, he’ll get used to you leaving and then coming back, but that takes time to develop. In the meantime, having the leave-taking routine well established will help him to feel a sense of security.

It doesn’t matter what you do in this routine, just so long as it is the same every time. You can sit with the baby on your lap and talk with him about where you’re going, what you’ll be doing there, and when you’re going to be back. It doesn’t matter that he cannot understand you at this stage. It’s the sound of your voice that is comforting to him.

After spending time with your child, you can put him in his child seat or on a blanket on the floor or give him to the sitter or your spouse. Then you can put on your coat and get your things. Next, give him a pat, a kiss, and wave, saying whatever words of good-bye that you choose. “Bye-bye! See you soon! Be a good boy.” And then leave and do not return, even if the child cries. You’ve left him in good hands, and you’ll have to trust that he’ll calm down soon after you’ve gone (which he more than likely will). Going back only prolongs the crying.

Parents who feel that they may not be doing a good job as a parent or who feel guilty about leaving their child may be tempted to avoid going out and leaving a crying child. Or, they may be tempted to take the child with them to a destination that may be not be appropriate for the child—such as taking a toddler to a fancy restaurant. Parents must do their best, however, to withstand the crying and clinging. It is beneficial to the child to learn that his parent believes that he is capable of handling the sadness of the parent’s departure and that he is independent enough to be left with a sitter. The parent would do well to remember that it is only with repeated leaving and coming back that the child will come to understand that the parent is not leaving forever and that she can be counted upon to return after the temporary separation.

No matter how difficult leave-taking is for your child (and for you), don’t be tempted to sneak out while your baby is sleeping or absorbed in something else. The Prudent Parent knows that it is much better for the child to have a sense that he knows that his mother has left than to wonder what happened to her.

Bedtime Routine

Before the child reaches his second birthday, and he begins to resist bedtime, the Prudent Parent begins to develop a bedtime routine to ease the transition from waking to sleeping.

Infants

Babies need to be taught to sleep more of the time at night than during the day, so you must help them to differentiate between nighttime sleep and daytime sleep. You can do this with the bedtime routine.

The goal is to signal to the baby that it is time to wind down from the day’s activities and go to sleep. Certain things may be helpful in this regard. Turning the lights down low and playing soft music can begin to signal the bedtime period. In addition, giving the child a warm bath may be helpful, as a bath is relaxing for most babies. Next, a clean diaper and night clothes. After that, nursing or a bottle. Then story time.

Your child will begin to derive benefit from including the reading of stories in his bedtime routine by about 3 months of age. By that time, he will be able to sit propped up in your lap, and you can read to him more-or-less comfortably. This is also about the time that most babies are able to sleep through the night (but this is not assured, as some babies don’t sleep through the night until 6 months of age or later).

Once story time is over, you can kiss your baby, lay him in his crib (on his back), say a breezy “good night, sleep tight” and leave the room. It is important to put him to bed while he is drowsy but still awake. This will enable him to learn to comfort himself and to fall asleep independently. This becomes important if he wakes in the night. Rather than cry for you, he will learn to self-soothe and fall back to sleep. This takes time and patience, however. In the meantime, the Prudent Parent acts as if she intends for him to sleep through the night even if she thinks that he won’t.

As you teach your baby to soothe himself to sleep, he is likely to cry a bit before falling asleep. Don’t give in to the feeling that it would be better to let him drift off to sleep in your arms. This is a habit that is very hard to break and doesn’t teach him to soothe himself, leaving him no resources on which to rely when he awakens in the night.

The first time he cries, go back into the room, leaving the lights off, and talk quietly to him while touching his head or his feet. Do not pick him up, however. After a few minutes, say “good night, sleep tight” again, and leave the room. Extend the time before you go back into the room to tend to him if he continues to cry. You may want to use a timer and set it for one minute longer each time, since holding yourself back may be painful. The first couple of nights will be difficult for both the baby and you, but after a few nights, you’ll both get the hang of it and you'll both be able to tolerate a little crying.

One thing that I will advise here is that you don’t fall into the trap of “co-sleeping” with your child. It sets a precedent that will disrupt everyone’s sleep for years to come. Consider making it a family rule that "everyone sleeps in his own bed," and start enforcing that rule when the child is very young (“I know that you want to sleep with mommy and daddy, but everyone in this family sleeps in his own bed.”). While there’s nothing wrong with bringing a nursing infant into your bed while you feed him, make sure he goes back in his crib after he’s finished eating.

Toddlers

Toddlers may resist going to sleep at night. This can occur for several reasons. The child’s need to be independent may make him reluctant to do what you want him to do because it’s not necessarily his idea. In addition, at this age, he may still suffer from a certain amount of separation anxiety. Furthermore, he may be distracted by normal household noises, light, and movement by others, although this is less likely to be a problem if the house was not kept unusually quiet when he was an infant (which is a good idea). Other problems may include fear of the dark or an inability to “sleep on demand.” The toddler may need a night light and some quiet time in bed before he can wind down enough to sleep. Parents may add to the sleep problem by insistence that the toddler remain in his crib long after he is ready for a bed. Most of these issues may be addressed by the proper use of the bedtime routine.

If your toddler wakes in the night, wait a few minutes before going into his room. When you do go in, comfort him with gentle words (“Everything is fine. It’s time to go to sleep now. I’ll see you in the morning.”), but don’t get him out of his crib. Remind him that it is time for sleeping now, and then say “good night” and leave the room. Your minimal response to his wakefulness demonstrates to him that you have confidence in his ability to go to sleep on his own. If he climbs out of his crib, he is signaling that it is time to move him into a “big-boy” bed or to put the crib mattress on the floor. In order to keep him in his room at night, you may need to install a baby gate in the doorway.

Preschoolers

Recognize that the bedtime routine may take up to 30 minutes for preschoolers and start the routine early enough to avoid rushing the child. Also recognize that sleep problems in preschoolers can often be traced to the response of parents to the child’s crying in infancy. Allowing the infant to cry a bit before going to him enables him to use his own resources to settle down to sleep. This heads off many future sleep problems.

Preschoolers may have nightmares or night terrors, and it might help them to have a night light and/or quiet music that shuts off after playing for 30 minutes or so. In addition, if the child wakes up in the night and needs to be comforted, it is best if you go to him rather than letting him come to you. Having a rule that “once in bed you stay in bed” helps preserve the parents’ privacy and encourages the child’s independence.

When dealing with bad dreams or night terrors, reassure the child that while his fear is real, the dream is not. In order to reduce the incidence of nightmares, eliminate anything that might trigger bad dreams such as violent or frightening television programs or scary stories.

What should you do if your child gets out of bed at night? First, lead the child calmly back to bed (without talking to him) and let him tuck himself in (you only do that once when you put him to bed initially). Once he’s back in bed, you remind him that it is time for sleeping, he needs his sleep, and if he can’t sleep, he should rest quietly in bed. You may have to repeat this procedure many times in the first few nights, but the child will eventually stay in bed.

Bedtime routines may be needed for a long time to help your child relax after the day’s activities. Parents can help by limiting highly-stimulating activities (including screen time) during the hour preceding bedtime. Some children will need to have quiet time in bed before they will be able to go to sleep, and parents should allow for this, not forcing the child to sleep before he is ready.

Establishing Routines Make Life with Children Easier

Routines make life with children immeasurably easier. If the routines take into account the child’s developmental level as well as his natural rhythms and requirements for sleeping, eating, and being active, they allow the child to be successful in these arenas a great deal of the time. And, they virtually eliminate the need for nagging (which doesn’t actually work very well anyway).

The younger the child, the more he will thrive on routines. The Prudent Parent knows that in general, children who grow up with predictable routines are better able to enjoy new experiences. This can manifest itself in a willingness to try new foods and to go on trips to new places as well as to embrace a variety of different activities.

Create routines and rituals surrounding everyday events such as bedtime, bath time, dinner time, and homework time. It is important to note that children do not adapt to change as readily as adults do, particularly “difficult” or “slow-to-warm-up” children. But, children are usually more cooperative when events are predictable (“First we do this, then we do that. Finally, we do this.”). So, try to minimize the number of changes in your child's daily life, and prepare children in advance for transitions (“In five minutes, we’ll get washed up for dinner.” “Before we can have snack, we need to pick up the toys.”).

Start to develop routines by the time the child is around 3 months of age. The first routine is the bedtime routine.

Activities Overload

It seems as though children today are, in large part, over-scheduled. There is little downtime in their hectic daily rush from one activity to another. At minimum, many children have a different activity every day of the week--and sometimes more than one. They may have soccer, ballet, piano lessons, Spanish, and choir, just to name a few. The parent who is available to drive her children all around town to their various activities may spend that wait-time busily making phone calls, answering emails, sending texts, and catching up on reading. If the parent does not have a flexible work schedule, then she must hire someone to haul her children around.

No matter who does the driving, everyone in the family eventually ends up at home at the end of the day only to wonder, “What’s for dinner?” And once again, it’s chicken nuggets and French fries, take-away Chinese food, or pizza. The kids love it, but their pediatrician would cringe. After dinner, it’s homework time, then time to practice the piano, and then time to do chores. If all of this is completed before the bedtime routine begins, there’s a little time to play--that is unless the children are glued to a screen somewhere video chatting, tweeting, checking their Facebook account, or texting.

Parents who have allowed this to happen to their families often have good reasons. They want their children to learn to use their time wisely. They want their children to have opportunities that they didn’t have growing up. They don’t want their children to be denied future opportunities because they didn’t start something at a young enough age. They want their children’s “resumes” to contain sufficient extra-curricular activities so that they will look good to college admissions directors. All of these arguments sound somewhat reasonable until you add it all up, and then you find that your family is in activities overload.

Is over-scheduling damaging? If the child is unhappy, anxious, depressed, or having somatic problems, or if the child is falling asleep in class, then the answer is probably “yes.” If the child is happy, energetic, and managing his time well, then the answer is probably, “no.”

In either case, consider this: what if your child dropped just one activity? What is his least favorite thing to do? Maybe it’s piano lessons. He hates to practice, and you spend every evening nagging him about it. Wouldn’t life be better for everyone if, at the next opportunity to make a change, he dropped piano lessons?

What could he do instead? He could play outside (that is, if there are any other children with free time in the neighborhood); he could read a book for pleasure; he could draw; he could daydream; or, he could play a board game with his sister (who recently dropped ballet).

This free time could be devoted to almost anything. The key is for your child to learn to do things independently without the guidance of a teacher/coach/adult. Recruit other kids from school for “play dates” if everyone in the neighborhood is overscheduled. But make sure to leave the kids alone to figure out what to do on their own because many children these days need practice with this. They are so used to organized activities that many don’t know how to use free time. Many children no longer even know how to start a pick-up game of basketball or how to organize a group to play an informal game of any sort.

The one thing that I don’t recommend is that free time be used to increase screen time. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children between the ages of 3 and 12 should have total screen time of less than 2 hours per day. This includes all digital media activities including Internet use for homework, television, movies, computer games, video games, and social media. While this time limit may be somewhat unrealistic in today’s heavily screen-oriented society, the point is that time spent with eyes glued to a screen is time spent not doing other things, and that can be a problem.

The bottom line is that the Prudent Parent helps her child learn to use his time wisely, to choose a few activities that he enjoys and that are good for him, to set aside time to tend to his responsibilities around the house, and to pursue interests on his own. In addition, she ensures that her child has sufficient downtime to recharge his batteries from his daily activities. Furthermore, the Prudent Parent knows when to intervene in her child’s life and when to get out of his way. In doing this, she can help her family avoid activities overload and promote both independence and responsibility.

Interests and Activities

Children need opportunities to develop interests in academic, physical, and other areas including the arts. Once they are in elementary school, exposing them to a wide variety of opportunities fuels their need for real accomplishments. In order to avoid activities overload, however, it may be a good idea to limit school-age children to two or three extra-curricular activities at a time. How can children and their parents choose from among all of the activities available to them these days? One idea is to pursue activities in series rather than simultaneously.

Physical activity is enjoyable to most young children, so the parent might enroll the child in gymnastics when he is in kindergarten. He might enjoy this for a year or two and then switch to swimming. If he enjoys music, he might begin piano lessons in second grade. In third grade, the parent might enroll the child in religious school. In fourth grade, band might be offered at school. At that point, the child might decide that he wants to stop piano lessons in favor of the trumpet. The school might have a Saturday art program for elementary-age children, and the child may enjoy that for a few weeks each year. In middle school, there may be an opportunity to write for the school newspaper and to play on the school basketball team.

By the end of middle school, the child has been exposed to many different activities, but there are never more than two or three pursued at any given time, so there is no activities overload.

Once the child reaches high school, it may be possible for him to pursue more than two or three things simultaneously. This should be, in large part, up to him. Knowing that he must keep up in his academic subjects, he can decide just how busy he’d like to be. Until he can get himself to his various activities on his own, however, parents have the right to some input.

One additional thing to consider is that while it’s tempting to see every young violinist who shows promise at age six as a future virtuoso, it’s not realistic. The important thing for the parent to do is to support the child in doing the things that he enjoys and to encourage him to persevere in the face of frustration. To a point, that is.

While it is admirable not to be a “quitter,” it is painful to watch a parent, who always wanted to be a gymnast, for example, force her child to stick with the sport long after it ceases to be fun for him. The rule of thumb in our family, and I think it was a good one, was that if you started something, you had to follow through with it until a logical stopping point. This might be a season in sports, it might be a “session” in another activity, or it might be a semester in something else. At the end of each session, I asked our children if they wanted me to sign them up for the next session, and if they said “yes,” they knew that they would have to stick with it at least until the end of the session. I believe that part of the reason they both developed a healthy degree of perseverance is that we encouraged them to persist even when the going got tough.

Achievement

It is important to recognize that each child is an individual with unique talents and abilities and that these talents and abilities are determined by the interaction between genetics and environment. Consequently, as parents, our expectations for the effect that we have on our children’s achievement should be realistic—while our influence over our children is important, it is only one small part of what makes them who they are.
In recognizing that the impact of parenting is limited, parents can adopt a healthy attitude toward their child’s achievement. If parents can teach their children to work hard—and they do—parents must accept whatever level of achievement they are able to attain and not expect more from them than that.

Some parents argue that if they set high standards for their children, their children will live up to those standards. While setting high standards is not a bad thing in and of itself, setting an unreasonably high standard is counterproductive. If the parent demands more than the child can give, the child’s self-esteem may suffer damage. Further, the child may become anxious or depressed. But, if parents communicate to their child an expectation that he will do his best in whatever he does, and that doing his best is all that they ask, then they’ve done their job.

As part of a healthy attitude toward achievement, parents should seek to avoid over-praise. While being an appreciative audience for every new development in a toddler’s and in a preschooler’s life, once the child is in elementary school, praise should be restricted to effort, demonstrations of character, and significant achievements. If parents praise every “accomplishment,” no matter how trivial, then the praise will be seen by the child as hollow, leading him to discount parental praise in general.

Parents must also resist the temptation to overstate their children’s accomplishments. If the parent sees every early reader as a Rhodes scholar or every budding young violinist as a potential professional musician, she implies that they are not good enough the way they are—that they are only praiseworthy if they are a “genius” or a “prodigy” or if they are a candidate for a college athletic scholarship.

Accepting the child for who he is—and his achievement for what it is—the parent coveys the message that the child is valuable and good enough just the way he is. This is an important message that every parent should transmit to every child.

Parenting Outcomes

There is a preponderance of evidence that children come hardwired with certain abilities and talents and that they are born with a certain temperament. This genetic predisposition is then modified by the child’s environment, including his parenting. While parenting is not the major contributor to who the child becomes, it does play a role, and it is this role to which we turn our attention.

Parents have different goals for their children. Most parents want their children to be happy, to be healthy, to get along with others, and to develop the skills that allow them to negotiate their world as adults. In addition, parents have other goals in mind as they raise their children. Prudent Parenting promotes the values of independence and responsibility, and so, the advice contained in these pages is given with these two goals in mind. Nothing is guaranteed, however. As parents, we can only do our best to encourage our children to develop those things that we value most. In the end, they will be who they will be, and it is our job as parents to accept them for who they are.

Does Prudent Parenting = Perfect Parenting?

When thinking about developing a parenting philosophy and style, it is important to understand that becoming a Prudent Parent does not mean becoming a perfect parent. There is no such thing as the perfect parent, nor is there such a thing as a perfect child. This does not mean that you should deny your natural instinct to strive for excellence in parenting, however. Some say that a parent only need be “good enough,” but to my way of thinking, “good enough” isn’t good enough given the importance of the job.

On your journey to becoming a Prudent Parent, read parenting advice (including mine) critically. I believe that it is unwise to buy into an orthodox doctrine on parenting that runs counter to our instincts or that requires that we ignore the fact that our child is a unique individual. There is no one right prescription that fits every child in every circumstance. There are, however, methods that are likely to be more or less successful. I’ll help you sort through these.

As we read parenting advice, it is important to recognize that if we restrict ourselves to only one way of doing things and it fails to work or to explain what we experience, we are left with nothing. It is better, then, to take a heterodox approach and to run all new ideas through our belief system using a trial-and-error approach to test those ideas. It is also unwise to reject, out of hand, everything that is new or different from what we are already doing. In keeping an open mind, we allow for our own growth as a parent and for our child’s individuality and development.

Also, keep in mind that becoming a Prudent Parent is a creative process. It is not a goal that is to be reached but an attitude toward parenting. It requires that we practice observing our children carefully and that we recognize that each of our children is a constantly changing and unique individual. We must also understand that what works for one child may not work for another and that what works today may not work a month from now. Furthermore, we must recognize that we are, as parents, evolving along with our children.

As you follow along with me on this journey, you will find that some of what I am suggesting resonates with you, and some of it does not. Accept or reject my advice, but if you do decide to try something that I suggest, give it time to work before abandoning it. No matter how much of what I am suggesting you eventually adopt, you will be a better parent for having thought things through.

In the end, you will come up with your own version of Prudent Parenting. The important thing is that you find a version of it that works for you and your child. And no matter how you decide to parent, you must understand that much of your child’s personality and behavior is genetically encoded, so that, as parents, we cannot take all of the credit for our child’s “successes” nor can we be blamed for all of our child’s “failures.”

What Does it Take to Become a Prudent Parent?

What is does it take to become a prudent parent? It is necessary to be caring, patient, and forward-thinking.

At its core, Prudent Parenting is about caring for your child. Caring is to some degree, instinctive. According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, “You know more than you think you do.” Your baby cries and you immediately go and pick him up; you feed him when he’s hungry not when it suits you; and, you change his diaper when it needs changing, not at a more convenient time. When your child is older, you protect him from harm, you bandage his hurts, and you teach him to be responsible and to independently navigate the world. Throughout his life, you provide support and encouragement.

This represents the basics of caring, but caring also implies caring enough to educate yourself about child development and parenting. Good parenting is learned. No one was born with all of the knowledge that it takes to soothe a fretting baby, to handle a misbehaving toddler, or to manage a rebellious adolescent. It is best to take a humble approach, understanding that there is much to learn about child development and parenting on the road to becoming a Prudent Parent. The more prepared the parent, the better her instincts will be.

Prudent Parenting is also about patience. Teaching takes much more effort and patience than doing everything for your child. Encouraging your child to do things for himself has great benefits to him, but it requires your patience. Everything takes longer when there is a child involved. You need to slow down and enjoy the journey. Yes, it can be frustrating after you’ve spent thirty minutes getting your child ready to go outside to play in the snow and he announces that he has to go to the bathroom. But because you are patient, you don’t scold him. Instead you help him get the snow suit off and make it to the bathroom in time. After that, you get him suited up again, and you both go out and make a snow man.

Being patient also means being patient with yourself. Prudent Parenting is a journey rather than a destination, and being patient with yourself allows you to make mistakes along the way. Mistakes are part and parcel of parenting. There are many skills required for excellent parenting, and the process of parenting is complex. Perfectionism on the part of parents can only lead to heartache. Children are quite resilient, and they will tolerate your mistakes as long as you own up to them and try to do better in the future. Fortunately, each day presents a new opportunity to try to parent well.

Prudent Parenting is also about thinking of the future. It is taking into consideration the fact that what is easy isn’t always what is in the long-term best interest of the child. You make the tough calls even when your decision creates friction between yourself and your child. For example, it’s easier to say, “yes,” when your child asks you to take him back to school to fetch his forgotten math book. After all, you’re already in the car, and you have the time. But saying, “no” may be the right thing to do to teach your child that he needs to be more responsible for his things. He’ll have to withstand the natural consequences of not having done his math homework, but the next time he has to bring home his math book, he’ll probably remember to do so.

Introduction

Hello. My name is Harriet Durling Kaplan. I am the mother of two daughters, Esther and Miriam, currently ages 27 and 25. I have a B.A. in economics from Smith College and an M.Ed. in elementary education from the University of Virginia. After several years of teaching, and then of parenting, and with the help of Caroline Cunningham Eidson, I started The Peabody School, an independent school for intellectually advanced children. I was Head of School at Peabody for over 10 years, and then I served the school in various capacities until 2008 when I finally retired. Since then, I occupied myself with various pursuits until I finally hit upon two things that captured my full attention. First, I started writing a book on parenting independent and responsible children. Second, I began volunteering as an educational consultant at my local Head Start. My experiences at Head Start are beginning to inform my thoughts on parenting young children, and, therefore, my writing on the subject. Below you will find the story of how I came to be interested in parenting again many years after my children had left home to start their own lives.

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As soon as I knew that I was going to become a mother in 1987, I started reading everything that I could get my hands on about child development and parenting. I filtered what I read based on gut instinct, on my memories of childhood, and on my experiences with parents and children as a teacher and one-time scout leader. Once I actually became a mother, I took what I had learned and put it into practice. Some things worked better than others, so I kept doing the things that worked and discarded those that didn’t. The cycle of read-try-experience/read-try-experience served me well over the years, and my husband and I ended up raising two really great kids.

Recently, I completed a large writing project, and I was casting around for the next thing big thing. I mentioned this to my older daughter, Esther, and she suggested that I write about parenting. First of all, I was incredibly flattered. My daughter was suggesting that I write a book on parenting. Wow! What better compliment could a child pay to a parent?

Fortunately, I found the idea intriguing, so I did what I did when I was planning to become a mother in 1987 and before I founded a school in 1994. I went to the library. But when I read about child development and parenting this time, I did so from the perspective of a person with 27 years of experience as a parent and 20 years of experience as a teacher and school administrator under my belt.

What I have come up with is a parenting philosophy that I call “Prudent Parenting.” Prudent Parenting involves keeping in mind the big picture—what you want your child to become—while you deal with the day-to-day issues that come up with your child. My goal is to help you plan ahead so that you can promote the values of independence and responsibility and so that you won’t spend all of your energy reacting to the vicissitudes of parenting. Being proactive can ensure, to a large degree, that you spend your energy more on the positive aspects of parenting than on the negative and that, when all is said and done, you will have done your best to raise an independent and responsible young adult.