Parental Influences on College and Career Choice

Making a College Choice

It is natural for parents to be involved in their teen’s college decision-making process. Parents must, in most cases, pay for college, so they should have some say in where their teen ends up going. However, the Prudent Parent knows that the teen must be the primary mover in this process. They should do research into the various colleges in which they are interested, and they should present their list of desirable schools to the parent. Once the parent has approved a list of schools and has taken the teen on his college visits, the teen should make the final decision about where to apply. As far as the interview goes, parents usually drive their teen to the interview, but other than that, they should stay in the background. Parents who do more are involved rob the teen of the independence of the experience.

Furthermore, once the teen has been admitted and it is time to be dropped off at college for the first time in the fall of the teen’s freshman year, parents should not linger more than a few hours. Unfortunately, there are parents who spend the first week with their teen doing everything from decorating his room to helping him choose courses to attending class with him. This is both unnecessary and overly involved. In still other cases, parents actually move to the teen’s college town so that the teen may continue to live at home or, at least, have the parent nearby during his college tenure. It almost goes without saying that by this time, teens should be sufficiently independent that they should be able to make decisions for themselves about what courses they will take, what extra-curricular activities they will pursue, and all other aspects of their initial college experience. Doing this without undue interference from parents is part of the benefit of going to college.

Making a Career Choice

In addition to helping their teen make a good college choice, parents can help their young adult child think through his career choice. In fact, young adults rank parents above peers in the value of their opinions in this area.

In addition to helping their young adult child to consider his career choice, Prudent Parents can, in the years prior to their child moving away from home, promote the development of specific skills relevant to success in the 21st century workplace. These skills include the following (Alvy, 2008):

• being a self-motivated self-starter;

• solving problems creatively;

• thinking in original ways;

• communicating effectively both orally and in writing;

• working cooperatively;

• organizing, prioritizing, and analyzing;

• reading well and critically;

• drawing conclusions; and,

• developing new ways of learning.

Parents are also involved in helping children to learn personal responsibility, and they transmit values such as a strong work ethic to their children.

It is important to note here, however, that young adult children whose parents are over-involved in their career development choices have more difficulty with career development tasks. (Hoghughi, 2004) An example of over-involvement would be going on a job interview with the young adult or calling the young adult’s employer to discuss a problem that he is experiencing on the job. While most people would consider these sorts of things out of the range of possibility, some parents have been known to do such things. Needless to say, interfering to this degree undermines the young adult in countless ways.

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References

Alvy, K. (2008). The Positive Parent: Raising Happy, Healthy, and Successful Children, Birth to Adolescence. NY: Teachers College Press.

Hoghughi, M. and Long, N. (2004). Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.

Protection and Over-Protection of Young Children: Implications for Independence

As every parent knows, it is their job to protect their child from harm. While this is certainly true, Prudent Parents know that it is possible to go too far in protecting one's child. It is unhealthy for the child to protect him from all of the vicissitudes of life. He must begin to deal with life’s challenges on his own in order to feel both a sense of self-confidence and of self-efficacy. These are important steps on the road to independence.

While highly attentive parenting of infants builds trust and is critical for the development of “secure attachment,” there is such a thing as the too-attentive parent for older babies and children. For example, once the child is between 3 and 6 months of age, there is benefit to giving him a few minutes to attempt to soothe himself before responding to his cries. This does not mean abandoning him or leaving him to “cry it out.” It simply means that you don’t need to run at top speed the minute your older baby starts to whimper in his crib. Wait a few minutes until his cries become lusty, then go and attend to his needs.

During the second half of the first year, occasionally respond to his cries by speaking to him from another room first and letting him know that you’ll be there in a minute or two. This reassures him that you are not ignoring him, but it gives him the experience of waiting a short while before getting his needs met. By this time, he has developed the trust in you that will allow him to postpone gratification briefly. The ability to delay gratification is a skill that he will develop more fully and that will serve him well in the future.

Toddlers certainly require supervision, as they will get into anything and everything, but the best supervision is a toddler-friendly, child-proofed area of the house. If the parent has put away the breakables, removed all of the attractive nuisances, and looked at the space from the toddler’s perspective, she can safely allow the child to play in that space without hovering over him. Parents who allow toddlers to play independently in these spaces have more independent toddlers.

For older children, a great place for increased autonomy is the playground. Find a well-designed, safe playground, and let your preschooler have at it. Sitting by while your child plays on the various climbing apparatuses, swings, and slides allows the preschooler a sense of freedom. I have seen parents hover over their children on playgrounds, but this is both unnecessary and harmful to the child’s growing need to be independent. Anxious parents create anxious children.

My rule of thumb was that if my daughters could get up onto a piece of equipment on their own, they were allowed to climb on it. Sometimes they’d fall, but I’d resist the urge to immediately run to them. I’d wait a couple of seconds, and when they’d look over at me, I’d say, “no blood, no foul,” smile reassuringly, and they’d be back on their feet climbing again in no time.

Young children take their cues from their parents. If the parent looks worried when the child looks over, the child will inevitably start to cry, and then the mother will rush in to help. Again, this is unnecessary and damaging to the child’s sense of autonomy. If the parent thinks that the child cannot do something, then the child will become fearful. If the parent, on the other hand, demonstrates an attitude of reassurance, the child will get right back up and try again.

At preschool, these children are independent enough to know when it is appropriate to get up and keep playing after a fall and when it is necessary to turn to their teacher and seek care when they are hurt. They also often encourage others to get back up and keep playing unless they are actually in need of care. In this way, everyone becomes more independent.

Identifying Over-Involvement and Becoming More Appropriately Involved in Your Child's Life

Parents who are appropriately involved in their children's life support their achievement and their mental and emotional health and model successful social interactions. Unfortunately, some parents are so exhausted from work and household management that while they are present in their children’s lives, they are seen by their children as constantly distracted and, therefore, not genuinely involved. Slowing down is good for everyone. It is during quiet, unstructured, and unpressured time that true connections between parents and their children are forged. (Levine, 2006)

While it is good to be involved with your children, there is such a thing as over-involvement. The classic example of this is the “helicopter parent” who hovers over her children not allowing them to live their lives without constant parental interference. Examples of the overly-involved parent include the following:

• refusing to leave after the preschool teacher has strongly suggested that it is in the best interest of the child for the parent to leave for the day;

• writing a note every day to your child’s kindergarten teacher telling her what your child has been doing since school let out the previous day;

• chaperoning every school field trip for your elementary-school-age child;

• waking a 12-year-old every day for school instead of requiring him to use an alarm clock;

• sitting with your tween while he does his homework and offering advice/commentary;

• knowing the dates of every test and the due dates for every paper that your teen has been assigned; and,

• pressuring your teen to apply to elite colleges to which he has no interest in going.

Some parents see their teen seen primarily as a reflection of themselves rather than as a valuable individual in his own right. Especially in the teen years, parents can be over-involved in some areas and under-involved in others. For example, they can hound their teen about his grades but ignore his need for social support, approval, and loving kindness. Also, anxiety over academic achievement is often at the top of the list of parents’ worries. Because of this, they can at times be more concerned with how their teen does and less with who their teen is. This does the teen a huge disservice.

In addition, parents who are excessively concerned with their teen’s academic achievement can put so much pressure on him that he can develop an unhealthy perfectionism. Unhealthy perfectionism is that which leads to a variety of problems including sleep disruption, anxiety, and psychosomatic complaints as well as to depression and even suicide. In addition, because adolescents are often highly self-critical, parents’ criticism can lead to short-term achievement gains but at the cost of significant long-term damage to the teen’s self-esteem. It is not the high expectations, per se, that cause the problem, it is when love is seen as conditional on achievement that teens suffer. (Levine, 2006)

It is very important to note here that while children of parents who are very bright, extremely driven, and highly successful in their fields are likely to be successful, they are statistically likely to be less successful than their parents. (Levine, 2006) This is not a reflection on either the parent or the child, it is merely an artifact of statistics and should not be “blamed” on the teen/young adult or his parents. The Prudent Parent teaches and models what it looks like to work hard and to care about doing a good job, and she is accepting of whatever it is that the child accomplishes. Furthermore, she lets him know that she recognizes and genuinely appreciates his efforts. Anything less can lead to fractures in the parent/child relationship.

How Much Digital Media is Appropriate for Children and How Should It Be Used?

Digital media often plays a major role in the lives of children these days, and it can be either a positive or a negative depending upon how it is used. One thing is certain, a great number of hours can be wasted unless digital media use is limited by parents. Digital media use includes television and movie viewing; using all types of computers and cell phones; playing computer and video games; and, engaging in social networking activities.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that screen time be eliminated for children under the age of 2, and for children between ages 3 and 5, AAP suggests that screen time be limited to less than 1 hour per day of age-appropriate programing. Whether or not you agree with the AAP recommendation (and I think that it’s a bit on the strict side), it is important that parents avoid using television as a pacifier or a babysitter. It is far better for children to be engaged in independent play within sight of the parent than it is for them to be placed in front of the television when the parent is busy with some chore (such as preparing dinner, for example).

Also, because too much “screen time” takes away from other activities, AAP recommends that total screen time should be kept to under 2 hours per day, even for children ages 5 to 12. While this may seem like a small number of hours, if you consider a school-aged child’s typical day and the time required for such things as sleep, school, homework, chores, extracurricular activities, and active play, there really isn’t that much time left for digital media in a typical weekday.

No matter how many hours per day you decide to allow your children access to digital media, it is important that you consider carefully whether or not to allow your child to have a television and/or a computer in his bedroom. This is important for two reasons. First, it has been demonstrated that screen time in the hour before bedtime can interfere with sleep. Second, having a television or a computer in the bedroom allows less popular children to withdraw from interpersonal contact. Third, allowing their child access to a computer or television in out-of-the-way places reduces the ability of parents to control the content of his viewing.

In general, research indicates that digital media can have both positive and negative influences on behavior. The use of word processing software can provide a good tool for children’s written expression—for example, its use can free young children from the limitations inherent in their developing small-motor skills. Television can broaden children’s experiences by exposing them to things that they’ve never seen, places they’ve never been, people whom they’ve never met, and things that they’ve never done. Educational software can teach reading, counting, spelling and problem solving. On the other hand, digital media may be detrimental to children’s development in the following ways (Wetzel, 1990):

• less time spent in physical activity;

• less time spent in active learning;

• reduced number of social interactions;

• increased exposure to commercials that can distort values;

• increased exposure to television programs, movies, and video games that may misrepresent gender and race and lead to stereotyping;

• increased likelihood of engaging in cyberbullying or being subject to cyberbullying;

• reduced parent-child interactions; and,

• fewer opportunities to discover a wide range of interests and capabilities.

Parents can mitigate the negative effects of digital media through the following:

• limiting time spent in digital media activities;

• ensuring that television programs and movies are developmentally appropriate;

• eliminating programs that are aimed at an adult audience (which can distort the child’s view of the “real world”);

• avoiding the use of digital media as a babysitter;

• explaining that content of television programs and movies is not real;

• watching/playing with their child and using opportunities to discuss issues;

• teaching children to watch television/movies critically;

• following up television with active experiences;

• encouraging children to use the computer in pairs or small groups;

• helping them to understand the role that advertising plays in modifying consumer behavior;

• evaluating program/game content for appropriateness;

• placing the family’s computer in a central location in the home; and,

• choosing programs/games with their child.

In general, the Prudent Parent uses common sense when it comes to limiting her child’s digital media use. Like most things, moderation is the key. Also, knowing your child is critical to making judgments about how much and where to allow your child to use digital media.

Developing Positive Gender Identity in the Early Years

Gender Identity

Developing a gender identity is an important task of the preschool years. When children are between 2 ½ and 3 years old, they usually proclaim themselves to be either a boy or a girl. Because of their all-or-nothing thinking, preschoolers usually develop rigid definitions of what it means to be a boy or a girl. These ideas about gender roles come from parents, older siblings, books, television, and movies. At this point, parents may be forced to buy gender-specific toys and clothes because these are what children want, but parents can also choose books and movies for their children in which there are strong female characters as well as characters that model non-traditional roles in order to balance off children’s early preference for gender stereotyping.

Gender Constancy

During the preschool years, it is not uncommon for children to play “doctor” so that they can examine the physical characteristics of someone of the opposite sex. In addition, at this age, some children experience a lack of gender “constancy” and think that boys can grow up to be mothers and girls can grow up to be fathers. Finding out that this is not possible can be difficult for some children to accept. By the time they are between 5 and 7 years old, however, they realize that they will always be a boy or a girl. With this gender constancy comes further interest in their body and the physical characteristics of gender. At this stage, children may ask questions of parents with regard to body parts and where “babies come from,” they may develop modesty, and they may engage in “bathroom talk.” (Black, 1996)

When Children Ask Questions About Gender

Parents should answer questions simply and honestly using accurate language. Prudent Parents know that before answering questions, it is wise to ask children what they know already so as to avoid giving more information than the child is looking for at any given point in time. This also gives parents the opportunity to correct misinformation gleaned from other children and the media. Parental responses to questions about gender can influence the degree to which the child is willing to accept his or her gender identity. (Black, 1996)

Avoiding Gender Stereotyping

In order to avoid promulgating or perpetuating gender stereotypes, children should be provided with a range of toys aimed at both boys and girls (e.g., trains, building blocks, kitchen equipment), and books that do not perpetuate gender stereotypes should be read. Of course, once children can make their own toy choices, they may demonstrate gender-stereotypical toy preferences, and there is little that the parent can do about that.
Once gender awareness has occurred, a sense of what it means to be of one gender or the other is developed through interactions with others, especially with family members. Early gender-specific behavioral expectations on behalf of parents and other adults can lead to gender-specific behaviors. Furthermore, young boys see their fathers as positive role models for what it means to be a man and a father; young girls recognize in their mothers the “ideal” for what it means to be a woman and a mother. Depending upon whether or not their parents’ actions are gender stereotypical or not, children develop a narrow or a broad view of gender.

Gender Stereotyping at School

Although at times rather subtle, gender stereotyping occurs at school, and this can affect children’s gender identity, as well. Boys receive more attention than girls—their questions are answered more frequently and fully, and they are called on in class more often. This may have more to do with “crowd control” than a preference for boys over girls, but it has an effect. Furthermore, when asked to describe the boys in their classes, teacher are more likely to identify them as being independent, aggressive, and mathematical. Girls, on the other hand are more often seen as verbal, passive, and dependent. (Black, 1996)

Benefits of Increased Awareness of Gender Stereotyping

Increased awareness of the effects on both boys and girls of gender stereotyping can lead teachers to adopt a more androgynous view of gender identity. When individuals are seen as a combination of both “masculine” and “feminine” qualities, they have greater self-esteem than do those who are more gender stereotyped. (Black, 1996) Under these conditions, both girls and boys feel more confident in pursuing interests that defy gender stereotypes, yet gender identity is not affected.

References
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Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.

Important Relationships: Mother-Infant and Father-Infant

The child’s first relationship is with the primary caregiver—usually, but not always, the mother. If the primary caregiver is someone other than the biological mother, then we can think of this person as the “mothering person.” For simplicity’s sake, we will use the word “mother” when referring to the child’s primary caregiver.

The mother’s job is to love her child unconditionally, to care for him, to accept him for who he is, to comfort him, to protect him, and to help him negotiate his world. Consistency of care is very important in infancy, as is adapting care to the infant’s personality. The baby is not “spoiled” by continuous care by the mother. Rather, it is this loving care that enables him to develop a strong relationship with his mother and to build relationships with others sooner. (Furman, 1987)

The relationship with the mother leads to the physical and emotional well-being of the child as well as to the development of his personality and intellect. Furthermore, it paves the way for all future relationships—both within the family and in the world. Through his relationship with his mother, the child learns to love himself, and loving oneself is critical to later development. Other aspects of relationships that grow from the first relationship with the mother include loyalty, consideration, and a willingness to forgo some of one’s own gratification for the sake of a loved one. (Furman, 1987)

It is important to note that the primary relationship must not be overly diluted with substitute care because it is the essential relationship that underpins so much of what comes later. (Furman, 1987) Does this mean that no one other than the mother can provide care for an infant? No it does not. It simply means that the mother should be providing the lion’s share of that care, especially during the first three months.

Because being the primary caregiver to an infant is such a time-consuming task, it can be overwhelming. How can mothers prevent burnout? First, it helps if the mother is aware of one of the major pitfalls of being the primary caregiver to an infant—sleep deprivation. So, if she doesn’t have an older child to care for, the mother should sleep when the baby sleeps in order to avoid exhaustion.

Second, no matter how many children she has, the mother benefits from understanding that she doesn’t have to be 100% attentive to the baby at all times. Needs only require fulfillment when they assert themselves. For example, feed the baby only when he’s hungry; expect him to sleep only when he’s tired; play with him when he is alert and active. At times, the baby is happy to simply be in sight of the mother. (Furman, 1987) When this is the case, the mother can either get some much-needed rest, tend to her other children, or take care of a few other matters.

Third, the mother should be willing to enlist the aid of others in the care of the infant. Seeking help from the child’s grandmothers, aunts, and, most especially, the child’s father, contributes to both the mother’s and the child’s well-being. In addition, getting help caring for the infant can go a long way toward moderating post-partum depression, which is experienced by about 15% of mothers.

How does the father bond with the baby without the physical attachments that pregnancy and childbirth brings? Emotionally, the father can begin to develop his relationship with the baby while the baby is still in utero. Whatever he can dream up to do to pre-establish this bond (including talking to the baby) is helpful to developing what, in the mother, is both a physical and emotional process.

In the beginning, the baby may prefer the mother, unless the father is the “mothering person.” This should not deter the father from taking an active role in his baby’s life, however. Changing diapers, giving the occasional bottle, bathing the baby, talking to the baby, and holding the baby all contribute to the closeness that can be established between the baby and the father.

In addition, the relationship between the father and the mother of the child is an important one. No one other than the father has the level of interest in the intimate details of the infant’s life. He can listen to and empathize with the mother as she recounts her daily life with the baby, and this helps the mother to create a thoroughly bonded mother-child unit. In addition, the helps the father to feel that he is an integral part of the child’s life. (Furman, 1987)

The father can also provide a much needed-outside perspective if the mother is a stay-at-home mom. He provides news of the world beyond mother and baby as well as adult conversation. The father can also be of help to the mother who works outside the home by helping to shoulder the burdens of the working mother. (Furman, 1987)

Over time, the baby develops a strong relationship with the attentive father. Once the baby has developed a primary bond with the mother, he can bond with others, including the father and siblings. Their relationships are based less on need-fulfillment and more on other types of interactions. But, however close the relationship is between the baby and the father or the baby and the siblings, it should not be a surprise that at peak times of need-fulfillment, the baby may still prefer the mother. (Furman, 1987)

In addition to gaining enormous satisfaction from being involved in their baby’s life, the father may have some baby-related worries. For example, he may be concerned about his ability to provide financial support for the family, about the change in his relationship with his wife, and about the lack of freedom and privacy that the baby represents. In addition he may worry about being able to be a good father. In fact, about 10% of fathers experience some post-partum depression. (Black, 1996)

Despite the worries, the work, and the sleepless nights that the infant brings with him into the home, most mothers and fathers experience enormous joy at becoming parents. Both the mother and the father develop unique relationships with the infant, and these relationships are played out in their everyday interactions. These early interactions are highly significant and create a ripple effect throughout the child’s life.

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References

Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.

Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.

12 Ways to Recover from Over-Involvement in Your Child's Life

If you have been guilty of over-involvement in your child’s life, you can recover. Explain to your child that there are some responsibilities that are yours and some that are his. Tell him that you have been overly involved in doing things that are rightfully his responsibility but that you will no longer be doing this. Let him know why you are making this change—that he needs to develop the skills necessary to live on his own, and that he can’t be expected to learn them overnight. Give him a list of things that he is expected to do from here on out, and convey to him that you will help him in the beginning, but that you have every confidence in his ability to live up to these responsibilities on his own in the future.

It is important for your child to be able to be successful in this regard, so you may want to phase in the list of responsibilities over time. Also, be sure to provide needed support, withdrawing it gradually over time as your child is able to handle things on his own. Remember to take note and praise your child when he lives up to his responsibilities, and never, ever, go around behind him and re-do his work. This is humiliating for the child and will not make him want to do for himself in the future.

Some responsibilities that should be taken over by the child include the following:

1. Put him in charge of his own schedule.

Until your child can read, take him to the posted schedule and read to him what he has scheduled for the upcoming day. Help him to lay out the materials/equipment that he will need to take with him. Once your child has learned to read, make sure he knows where his schedule is posted. Remind him, at first, to look at the calendar every night as he plans for the next day (see Bedtime Routine) and to lay out his materials/equipment before he goes to bed at night. Eventually, let him assume the responsibility for looking at his schedule and planning ahead for his day’s activities.

Once he has learned to write legibly, let him take over writing his activities on the daily schedule, reminding him to do so at first but gradually giving that responsibility over to him. Eventually, transfer the entire responsibility of managing his schedule to him including making sure that whenever he needs a ride from you, he takes care of letting you know so that you can put it on your schedule.

2. Give him responsibility for keeping track of his own stuff.

If he is responsible enough to participate in extra-curricular activities, he should be able to keep track of his own materials/equipment. Remind the elementary-age child to check the family calendar every night before going to bed to see what stuff he’ll need for the next day, and supervise him laying it out before bedtime. Tweens and teens should be able to be responsible for collecting all of their needed equipment/materials before bed every night. You’ll know that this is going according to plan if there is little or no running around looking for stuff in the morning.

3. Insist that he complete his own homework and school assignments.

When your child is a pre-reader, read the directions for him. Up through elementary school, provide him a place to do his homework, a time in the daily schedule to do his homework (see Homework Routine), and make sure he has the necessary materials. Once he has entered middle school, the responsibility for completing his homework should lie with him. At every stage, if your child has a question or needs help, he should be responsible for asking you. No matter what, provide limited assistance. If your child can’t do an assignment, it is not your responsibility to teach him. He should let his teacher know that he couldn’t do the assignment so that she knows that she needs to re-teach the material. If you provide too much assistance, then the teacher will get the wrong idea about the degree to which your child has absorbed the material at school.

4. Insist that he write thank-you notes/emails and convey regrets when he can’t attend a function.

If he is not able to write, you might suggest a thank-you picture, which you can be in charge of mailing. Teach him to make phone calls once he is in preschool. Explain the idea of calling someone when he can’t attend a function. Once he can write, let him be in charge of writing his own notes and keeping track of his gifts.

5. Allow him to work out his own issues with others.

Once he has the capability to see things from another’s perspective (usually around preschool-age), he can work out many of his conflicts with his peers without help from an adult. If he seeks your counsel, you can discuss the situation with him and help him generate possible solutions. Getting involved (unless it is a case of repeated bullying) diminishes his sense of self-efficacy and inhibits his strides toward independence. Experiences with conflict-resolution as a child will arm him with the skills necessary to work things out with people in his adult life, including in the context of intimate relationships.

6. Insist that he use an alarm clock from elementary school onward.

Include setting the alarm clock as part of the bedtime routine starting in elementary school. Remind young children what they need to do when the alarm rings (post the Morning Routine in their room). Once the child is in middle school/high school, do not act as a back-up to the alarm. Let the tween/teen experience the Natural Consequences of ignoring/resetting the alarm. If he is late for school a couple of times, he will learn to heed the alarm. Getting out of bed on one’s own is a big step toward independence and will be an important skill once the child is on his own.

7. Have him pack his own lunch.

Even young children can learn to put together their own lunch from the healthy alternatives available to them. Teach your child to choose a protein, a starch, a fruit, and a vegetable for lunch, for example. Teach him what constitutes a healthy snack. Beginning in preschool have the child choose his snack from healthy foods that you provide. In elementary school, give verbal guidance and then check that a healthy lunch and snack have made it into the lunchbox. In middle school and high school, let your tween/teen know that you expect him to make healthy food choices, and make sure that these foods are available to him.

8. Teach him to manage his own money (see Financial Literacy).

Give your child a weekly allowance that is at least one dollar per year of his age. Do not extend “credit” to him--teach him to live within his means and to save up for things that he wants. Provide tweens and teens with a budget for school supplies and clothes, and allow them to purchase what they need within that budget. Teach them to shop sales, to compare prices, and to purchase their clothing at stores that offer the best value for their dollar. Make sure that the budget is neither too little nor too much to ensure that they have to make good financial decisions to stretch their budget as far as possible. Do not “rescue” them if they make foolish purchasing decisions. It is better for them to make mistakes when they are living at home than to have to learn all of the important financial lessons once they are living on their own.

Do not use allowance as payment for chores. Chores should be done by every member of the family just because they are members of the household.

9. Insist that he help with the Chores that keep the household functioning.

Emphasize the importance of everyone in the family contributing to the well-being of the family. Make keeping one’s room neat a requirement for all children beginning in preschool. Also beginning in preschool, require that your child choose a set number of chores from a list that you provide. Giving him the opportunity to choose his own chores will encourage him to actually do the chores. At first, set a specific time of day for doing chores (after school, for example). In the beginning, remind him to do his chores, but eventually let him take on the entire responsibility himself.

Increase the number and difficulty level of the chores as the child grows up. Stop reminding him to do them. In elementary school, the child can take out the trash, feed the dog, and load the dishwasher. Tweens can do their own laundry, empty the dishwasher, and rake leaves. By high school, the teen should be able to do just about anything that an adult is able to do. If the child forgets to do a chore, make him pay some sort of penalty (either financial or in terms of losing a privilege). Stand fast on this, and your child will know that you mean business.

10. Allow your child to make Decisions about what clothes to wear and how to style his hair.

Remember, your child is not an extension of you. He is an individual with individual taste and style. Try to hold yourself back and allow your child to make fashion blunders. Maintaining a sense of humor will help in this regard. Step in only if the child makes clothing/hairstyle choices that are against school policy.

11. Let your child decide on what gifts to give to others.

Within reason, children should be able to make decisions about gifts to family members and friends. Of course, parents must have the final say, as this is a financial decision.

12. Teach your child to cook and have him prepare one meal for the family from time to time.

Begin teaching your child to cook when he is preschool age. Cooking with children is great fun and teaches them many things. By the time your child is in high school, he should be in charge of planning and cooking the occasional family meal. Being able to cook for oneself is an important independent-living skill and can become a source of enjoyment for the child in his adult life.

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References

Garza, P. (2011). 30 Surefire Ways to Raise An Independent Child. Kosse, TX: Lost and Profound.

The Importance of Pro-Social Skills for Success in Life

According to a recently-published longitudinal study, children who have good social skills are more successful as young adults than are children with poor social skills. Listen to this NPR story that describes the research and explains its implications.

NPR Story

Parental Over-Involvement: How it Can Negatively Affect Your Child

Parents who are overly involved in their child’s life have less independent and less self-confident children. Characteristics of the overly-involved parent include parents who:

• Focus all of their attention on their child at the end of the work day (this can be suffocating to the child and may be the result of the parent’s guilt at working long hours);

• Interfere with their child’s social life by communicating extensively with the parents of their child’s friends and classmates (to arrange play-dates with children that their child may or may not want to play with, for example);

• Do things for their child that their child is capable of doing on his own (making the teen’s lunch for him, for example);

• Interfere when their child is trying to learn something new (“I can teach you how to do that in a better way”);

• Tell their child what to do at every turn (“Button your coat.” “Don’t forget your book.” “Put on your shoes.”)

• Are overly-involved in their child’s school experiences including doing homework with (and sometimes for) their child (“Let me see your work from today.” “What do you have for homework?” “Where is your math book?”)

• Take on what should be their child’s responsibility (“Hurry up! You’ll be late for school!”)

• Don’t allow their child to learn from experience (“I’ll drive you back to school to get your science book);

• Protect their child from the consequences of his actions and behaviors (“I will write a note to your teacher to let her know that you couldn’t finish your homework because you had to go to bed.”); and,

• Are overly concerned with their child’s mistakes and how their child is perceived by others.

The result of this over-involvement is that the child has no time to be alone, never has to negotiate his own problems, and gets the idea that all adults (including teachers and coaches) will focus on him exclusively.

How can you recover from over-involvement? Read tomorrow's blog post for some ideas to use right away.

Are You Overly-Involved in your Child's Life? Good Warmth versus Bad Warmth

It has been demonstrated that warmth in parenting is crucial to healthy emotional development in children. What is warmth? It is involvement, understanding, and acceptance. Warmth exists on a continuum from overly-involved parents to parents who are highly critical and rejecting. (Levine, 2006) Warmth is demonstrated in a variety of different ways at different stages of the child’s development.

During their child’s infancy, warm parents are highly attuned to their baby’s needs, and they meet those needs quickly and cheerfully. When the child is school-aged, warmth is the interest and empathy parents demonstrate toward their child. Warmth toward the adolescent is demonstrated by parents when they allow the teen to be independent as possible while continuing to “be there” for them as needed.

Good Warmth: Acceptance, Understanding, and Involvement

Acceptance does not mean that you approve of all that your child does. Rather, it means that the child, no matter what his behavior, remains precious to you. It means loving them when they are on a crying jag during infancy; it means loving them during their teens when they are trying on various identities and when they challenge or reject you.

Acceptance by both the mother and the father is important to the child. As it turns out, the father’s warmth and acceptance are predictive of both academic success and social competence. It is also associated with a low incidence of behavioral problems in adolescence. (Levine, 2006)

Understanding means seeing the child clearly, faults and all. It also means listening to him actively and patiently without rushing in with advice, which tends to limit understanding. Understanding develops over time, and it is only by spending time with the child that you get to know him intimately. Knowing him well makes it clear that the child is a unique individual and not just an extension of ourselves. (Levine, 2006)

Appropriately-involved parents step back as soon as possible at every stage of development while continuing to provide a safe home environment to which the child may retreat when things get rough. (Levine, 2006)

Bad Warmth: Over-Involvement and Parental Neediness

Over-involvement is unnecessary involvement that involves doing for our children rather than supporting their attempts to do for themselves. This slows the progress of the child toward independence. Over-involvement tends to begin in early childhood and can continue into the teen years and beyond and is often compensation for the parents’ guilt at not spending enough time with the child. Unless the child is engaged in unsafe behaviors, allowing him a certain amount of distance is important. It is best not to obsess over every detail of your child’s life—just let him live it.

Over-involvement in the lives of our children can cause other relationships, including that with the spouse, to suffer. If this occurs, parents can become overly-dependent on their child to fill the void in their lives. (Levine, 2006) When we fail to cultivate rich, rewarding relationships with other adults, we may turn to our children to fill this role. In doing so, we “sap children of the emotional energy and the sense of security they need to work on their own development.” (Levine, 2006, p. 140 )

One example of over-involvement is parents who allow the modern-day “threat” of their child not getting into an elite college, for example, to trigger the fight-or-flight response of our early ancestors. This reaction does not do the child any favors.

Over-involvement works against the child’s drive toward independence. In addition, it interferes with the development of important skills including the following:

• the ability to be a self-starter;

• the courage to engage in trial-and-error learning;

• the ability to delay gratification;

• the ability to tolerate frustration;

• the ability to exert self-control;

• the ability to learn from mistakes; and,

• the ability to be a flexible and creative thinker.

The development of all of these tools is essential for the child to manage well on his own in the world. When we intervene unnecessarily, we
inhibit the use of these tools by our child to solve his own problems, and in doing so, to feel competent. (Levine, 2006)

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References

Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.

Helping Children Cope with Death

When children are faced with the death of a loved one, it is best to deal with it openly and honestly, but it must be done so with an understanding of their developmental level. Begin by checking out books on the topic that are age-appropriate. These may give you some ideas about broaching the subject with your child.

One way to explain the concept of death is to first focus on “small” deaths such as the death of leaves on trees, flowers, or insects. If a pet has died, remind them of that experience. The important thing is that they understand the finality of death. Avoid using euphemisms that liken death with sleeping or going away such as “went to sleep,” “passed away,” or “lost her father.” These ideas can be frightening to children and lead to confusion about death and dying.

Children need to know about what is happening in terms of the funeral, the memorial service, or the burial. They may want to visit the grave of the loved one. While attending an open-casket wake is probably not be appropriate for a young child, going to the funeral may help them to understand that people are sad when someone close to them dies and that the person will not be coming to see them in the future.

Conscience Development in Children--From Infancy through Adolescence

Conscience is our “inner monitor” that tells us “right” from “wrong” and makes us feel good when we listen to it and bad when we don’t. Pangs of conscience can lead to feelings of remorse or to wanting to make up for the wrong that we did to someone. While we are all born with the potential to develop a conscience, it is our upbringing and environment that determine whether or not we actually develop one. (Furman, 1987)

In order for you to help your child develop a sense of right and wrong, you need to start when he is young. First, he must develop a basic sense of trust. In infancy, if his mother responds promptly and appropriately when her child cries, then he learns to trust her. When the mother’s response is predictable, the infant begins to feel a strong emotional connection to her, and he will be able to love and trust both her and himself. (Wetzel, 1990)

In order for the development of conscience to continue, the child must be able to tolerate a certain amount of frustration. Once a baby is between 3 and 6 months of age, he will develop the ability to self-soothe. Once this happens, he will be able to tolerate a short wait between the time he signals that he has a need and when the caregiver arrives to meet that need. (Wetzel, 1990)
The development of a conscience also requires an understanding of the pain that one feels when one loses something. In order to learn this, the child must be allowed to own and have control of things. This means that young children should not be required to share their toys until they are ready. (Wetzel, 1990)

In addition, parents set a good example when they choose to do the right thing. This is not lost on the child. A sense of belonging to the family helps the child accept the family’s values. In order to serve as effective role models, adults must be held in high esteem by their child. If the child wants to emulate his parents, then the child will base his actions on their values.

The child must also understand that there are consequences for one’s actions—both positive and negative. The child must be old enough to think ahead and imagine what those consequences will be. This requires the ability to reason and to understand that right and wrong may be different in different situations (this occurs after the age of 6).

It is important for parents not to push children into a corner where they might be tempted to lie. For example, don’t ask the child if he spilled the milk. Simply say, “I know that you spilled the milk on the floor. Let’s get some paper towels and clean it up.” If your child owns up to his mistake, don’t punish him for telling the truth. (Wetzel, 1990)

The kind of conscience that the child develops depends on the several factors (Furman, 1987) including:

• Expectation regarding when children “should” develop a conscience (early or late);
• The degree of consistency with which rules are enforced (firm, lenient, or inconsistent);
• The degree to which the parent prevents wrongdoing by setting children up for success (engineering the environment);
• Methods of disapproval (matter-of-fact, harsh, or lenient);
• Expectation for making amends (must do or let it slide); and,
• The degree to which the parent lives by the same rules (role modeling).

The actions on the part of the parent also determine (Furman, 1987) the degree to which the child:

• Uses self-discipline to prevent misdeeds or “beats himself up” afterward for things he did in defiance of his own conscience;
• Manages his expectations realistically or sets himself up for failure by having unrealistic expectations;
• Forgives everything or nothing; and,
• Allows some bodily pleasures or none.

In addition to all of the influences of the parents, the conscience depends on the child’s individual personality, his interactions with peers and other adults, and his own life experiences.

Some parents who set very high standards for themselves let their children slide so as to avoid turning them into “Type A” personalities. Other parents set extremely high standards for their children so that the children will be “better” than the parents were (if the parents were lazy in school, for example). (Furman, 1987) It is better to set achievably-high standards than to set either unreasonably high or low ones.

Children at different stages of conscience development respond differently to discipline. Elementary-age children often hate to make mistakes, and, therefore, they may be overly sensitive to criticism because they are in the process of developing a conscience. When the parent points out that they have done something wrong, they perceive that the parent is “yelling” at them, when that isn’t the case. For our daughter, Miriam, the mildest rebuke could bring her to tears. And so it is with some children. With them, it is necessary to be exceptionally mild mannered when you point out misbehavior to them. With these children a mild admonition when combined with what their conscience is telling them, may be sufficient to reduce the likelihood of further misbehavior. In addition, a child with a well-developed conscience seems to want to be caught and will often be very half-hearted in his attempts to cover up wrongdoing. (Furman, 1987)

The child whose conscience is a little less well developed needs help in learning to “hear his inner voice” so that he can accept appropriate responsibility for his actions, and, if necessary, make amends. While it is certainly true that children and some adults may find it easier to note the behavioral mistake of others and to blame others than to take responsibility for their own actions, if the adults in children’s lives can readily acknowledge their own shortcomings, the child will have good role models for dealing with the inevitable negative feelings associated with making a mistake. (Furman, 1987)

Well-adjusted children can muster their positive self-concept to counterbalance the hurt or shame that making a mistake may cause and to see their mistake in a larger context. (“Yes, I made a mistake, but I’m generally a nice person.”) (Furman, 1987)

In order to accurately assess the degree to which a child’s conscience is developing and to act accordingly, the parent must observe their child carefully. With accurate observations comes the ability to judge situations appropriately. (Furman, 1987)

As children grow, they begin to adopt the parent’s limits as their own. This is the first major step in conscience development. Placing limitations on children’s behaviors with a clear explanation of why the particular behavior is prohibited helps children develop a conscience. (Hoghughi, 2004) Once they have developed a conscience, they are more likely to do the right thing when the parent is not present, and the parent can remind the child that he “knows better” and that he’ll “feel better” about himself if he avoids this mistake in the future. (Furman, 1987)

The conscience continues to evolve over time and is as individualistic as we are. The kind of conscience that the child develops is largely dependent on his parents and the values they transmit to the child. (Furman, 1987) For example, as young adults, both of my daughters have highly-developed consciences, in part, because they grew up in a household in which doing the right thing was greatly emphasized and in which both parents were “rule-followers.”

In addition to all of the above influences of parents, conscience depends on the child’s individual personality, his interactions with other adults and peers, and his life experiences. While peers do not seem to affect the development of conscience to a great degree, they present a greater or lesser temptation to “do wrong.” (Furman, 1987)

It is important to note that doing “wrong” in some areas does not mean doing “wrong” in all areas. For example, some teens may engage in early
sexual behavior but continue to do well academically. Others may avoid drugs and alcohol but may not exert much effort in school. Still others may practice sports religiously but avoid practicing the piano. (Furman, 1987)

Self-esteem has a lot to do with the degree to which we listen to our conscience. When we think highly of ourselves, we are more likely to heed our conscience. When we think less of ourselves, we may be able to set aside our own values and adapt to those of our peer group more easily. (Furman, 1987)

Each person’s conscience is different. Children are born with the capacity to develop a conscience, but parents and environment influence the timing of conscience development, the kind of conscience that the child develops, and the degree to which the child listens to his conscience. Self-esteem, parental role modeling, and parental values all play a significant role in conscience development.

The Importance of Role Modeling

Most human behavior is learned by observation through modeling. (Alvy, 2008) Knowing this, parents do well to model the kinds of behaviors that they want to see in their children. There is nothing quite like a positive role model. There is a reason that people say that “actions speak louder than words.”

For example, if you are polite to them, your children are more likely to be polite to you and to the rest of the world. Simple things like saying, “please” and “thank you” to your children from the time they are babies goes a long way toward teaching them to behave in a courteous manner. Other things that we can model for our children include respect for elders and respect for those in authority (e.g., teachers and coaches).

In retrospect, my husband and I modeled lots of things without even intending to. By not saying “yes” to every request for a new toy when the children were little, by shopping in stores with reasonable prices, and by comparing prices when shopping for groceries, we taught thrift. By involving our children in calculating tips in restaurants, we taught appreciation (and reinforced “percent” in math). When we were charged too little for an item in a store, we brought it to the clerk’s attention, thereby teaching honesty.

Children pay attention to everything that is going on around them, even when they seem to be absorbed in play. So pay attention to what you’re saying around your child. Also, the relationship between the child’s father and the mother, the two most important people in his life, models relationships for children as young as toddlers. So pay attention to what you’re saying and how you’re saying it to one another. In addition, what’s on television matters, so it is best to leave the TV off around children unless they are watching an age-appropriate television program.

Understanding Your Child's Misbehavior

Before imposing consequences, parents should endeavor to understand the cause of the child’s misbehavior. The first step in doing this is to understand the general causes of misbehavior and ways in which you can respond that do not involve consequences. (Bigner, 1994):

The child may be seeking attention.

Children crave attention from their parents. The more you can give them attention when they are behaving appropriately, the more they will repeat
these kinds of behaviors (“I liked the way you were playing quietly while I was on the phone.”).

By the same token, if children do not receive sufficient attention by being “good,” they will attempt to get attention through inappropriate behaviors. If you give attention to the negative behaviors by scolding or yelling, those, too will be repeated because negative attention is better to a child than no attention at all.

Consequently, it is best to ignore minor misbehavior. While it is difficult to ignore annoying behavior (and it may get worse before it gets better), stand firm. It is likely to stop eventually.

Some behavior cannot be ignored, but it is best to react in a mild manner. “Please stop throwing your toys around the room. I’m concerned that you are going to break something.”

The child may be trying to wield power over the parent. (“You’re not the boss of me!”).

Parents’ responses will either escalate or deescalate these struggles. By becoming angry, the parent will encourage the child to keep trying. If the parent refuses to become engaged in the struggle for power, the child will stop trying. After withdrawing from the conflict, parents should ask for the child’s cooperation (“I need you to help me keep you safe. Please stop climbing on the table’).

The child may be seeking revenge.

Children become angry with their parents and seek to hurt them—these children are convinced that they are not loveable and that they are significant only when they hurt others. It is important for the parent not to retaliate, to remain calm, and to demonstrate goodwill. “I know that you are angry with me right now, but I still love you.”

The child may be feeling inadequate.

Some children give up hope of succeeding and respond passively to whatever the parent says or does. If this happens, parents must eliminate all forms of criticism. They must focus solely on the child’s positive qualities, strengths, and successes (no matter how small).

If a consequence becomes necessary . . .

If it becomes necessary to impose a consequence, it should be done using a firm but calm tone of voice. It is also a good idea to use an “I” message rather than a command. For example, “I need you to stop hitting your sister.” If the child does not comply, then you need to remind him of the logical or natural consequence of continued misbehavior (see post from 31 May 2015). “If you don’t stop hitting, you will have to stop playing and stay in your room by yourself for 30 minutes.” If he continues to misbehave, then you should act on the consequence. “Go to your room. I will set the timer for 30 minutes. Once the time is up, you can try to play with your sister again more appropriately.”

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References

Bigner

Discipline in High School

One thing that makes discipline in the high school years difficult is that many of the tried-and-true methods no longer work. In addition, while your teen may be intellectually and physically an adult, his judgment is not necessarily mature, so he still needs limits and guidance.

Rules

Parents must establish fair and reasonable rules and must enforce them consistently in order for teens to be able to negotiate the many challenges that they must face. Adolescents don’t have the tools—the prefrontal cortex development—to consistently and appropriately regulate themselves. In other words, they don’t have the judgment to consistently make appropriate decisions for themselves in the absence of parental rules. (Levine, 2006)

While teens may chafe at having firm rules that govern their behavior, in certain circumstances, the teen may be glad of a rule. If the teen is under pressure to engage in risky behavior, they can blame their parents (“My parents would kill me if I . . .”), and they can save face while staying within limits. (Levine, 2006)

Some categories of rules that are appropriate for teens are as follows:

• Curfew: Weekday and weekend;
• Supervision: Who is allowed at the house and at what times when no adult is at home;
• Dating: At what age are they allowed to date? How many years older/younger can their date be? At what age are they allowed to go on a “car date?”
• Smoking, drinking, taking drugs: Never acceptable; and,
• Cars: never get into the car with a driver who is has been drinking or using drugs.

Monitoring

In addition to establishing rules, parents need to monitor their teen’s behavior. They need to know where they are, whom they are with, and what they are doing. Parental monitoring reduces the incidences of risky behavior (early sexual encounters as well as tobacco, drug, and alcohol use) and promotes academic achievement and higher self-esteem. Optimal levels of monitoring depend on the potential danger in a situation and on your child’s capacity to use good judgment. (Levine, 2006)

It is necessary for parents to balance their need for monitoring with the teen’s need for independence. Without good monitoring, teens are vulnerable to making bad decisions. In situations in which it is difficult to show restraint, the teen will only be able to demonstrate that restraint if he has a strong attachment to a loving parent and he has clear guidelines for behavior and consequences for infractions. (Levine, 2006)

Mutual Respect

In addition to establishing rules and monitoring behavior, parents should seek to foster bonds of mutual affection and respect with their teen. A strong relationship between the teen and his parents makes it more likely that the teen will let his conscience be his guide when it comes to making decisions about his behavior in the absence of the parent.

Conscience

At this stage, the conscience seems to become less of an “all knowing” presence that threatens punishment at the mere thought of misbehaving and more of an “inner friend” to whom the teen may turn in times of stress to guide him and to help him avoid getting into trouble. Teens may rely on their conscience to make them feel guilty at the thought of the misdeed and, thus, keep them out of trouble, and it may be relied upon to help them find a way to seek forgiveness and/or to make amends if they go ahead and misbehave in spite of the pangs of conscience. Over time, the conscience seems to evolve allowing the teen to distinguish between serious transgressions and minor mistakes in judgment. (Furman, 1987)

Independence

Another way that parents can support their teen in making good decisions is to give freedom of choice within limits. In this way, parents foster independence in their teen. If parents have encouraged independence consistently over the years, the teen will be more likely to make good decisions in the parents’ absence.

In addition, telling your teen stories about your life when you were a teen can help him to make good decisions. I used stories from my own life and from the lives of my friends to highlight examples of both good and bad decisions that we made and the consequences of those decisions. Being honest with your teen about your past can bring you closer together and can help your teen avoid making the same mistakes that you made.

Supervision

It is inadvisable to leave your teen home alone until he has previously and consistently demonstrated that he can exercise good judgment. Even if it is deemed appropriate to leave your teen at home alone, it is generally not a good idea to allow him to have friends over when there is no supervision unless both your teen and his friends have demonstrated good judgment in the past.

Curfews

When children become adolescents and go out at night with friends, it is wise to impose a curfew. During the week, that curfew should reflect the teen’s need for sleep. Adolescents require about 9 hours of sleep at night or they will be sleep-deprived. This leads to an earlier bedtime than most of them would like. While you can’t force a teen to sleep, you can at least have them home and in their room by a certain time each night. Limiting screen time in their room will also lead to an earlier bedtime. On weekends, this curfew may be extended if you allow them to sleep late to compensate.

I put curfews in the category of negotiable rules. If there is a party that your teen wants to attend or a concert that he wants to go to, then, by all means, extend the curfew, but make sure that the party is to be supervised and that you or another parent picks them up from any event that keeps them out late. In doing this, you keep them out of cars driven by drunk or otherwise impaired drivers. In addition, if you are the one doing the driving, picking them up allows you to determine, before they have a chance to sleep it off, take a shower, or otherwise conceal the evidence, whether they have been drinking, smoking cigarettes or smoking marijuana.

Trust

If your teen has proven himself to be thoroughly trustworthy, you can give him more independence. My children earned my trust from an early age, and I did not worry that they were involved in risky or illegal activities. I did, however, make it a hard and fast rule that they were never to get in the car with a driver who had been drinking or taking drugs. They knew that if they ever found themselves in such a situation, they were to call me, and I would come and pick them up (no matter what the time), and I would bring them (and any of their friends) home with no questions asked. My thinking on this was that if they trusted that I would not lecture or scold them, they would take me up on this. And by making the offer, I was ensuring, at least to some degree, that they would think twice about getting involved in situations such as these.

It turns out that my trust was well placed and that I was certainly correct that some teens were not as prudent as mine were. When my children were in high school, they lost a classmate to drunk driving. This is often the case in high schools all over the country, and it is a terrible shame. I’m not saying that there was anything that the parents could have done to prevent this, but it goes without saying that it is the parents’ responsibility to do whatever they can to keep their children safe. Sometimes we can’t save them from themselves, however.

Consequences

It may be appropriate to make rules and consequences with your teen rather than imposing rules and consequences on him. Some consequences that may be appropriate for teens include the following:

• phone privileges suspended;
• car privileges suspended;
• early curfew; and,
• grounding;

Conclusion

The most important part of discipline during the teenage years is having a positive relationship with your teen. This requires that you keep lines of communication open (see blog post from 10 July 2015) and give him plenty of opportunities for independent action in his earlier years (see blog post from 8 June 2015). When he becomes an adolescent, including him in decisions about rules and consequences is a good way to show respect for him and his growing maturity.

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References

Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.

Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.

Helping School-Age Children Behave Appropriately

School-age children develop controls over their behavior by internalizing standards of behavior set by parents and teachers. The child at this age wants to emulate the adults in his life, so he adopts their rules as his. This way, the child is able to separate from the parents yet still keep in them mind in the form of the little voice his head that tells him right from wrong—in other words, conscience. (Furman, 1987)

Conscience development in school-age children is encouraged by the verbal give-and-take between parents and children regarding behavioral limitations and rules. Parents who value their children’s thoughts but who encourage respect for authority and the requirements of various social settings have children who have a more highly-developed sense of right and wrong. (Hoghughi, 2004) Consequently, allowing the child to express his opinion about acceptable versus non-acceptable behavior is better for conscience development than is a more authoritarian approach
(“. . . because I said so!”).

Children of this age frequently test their parents’ patience by stalling (“I just have to do one more thing.”). This behavior will be reinforced if parents repeat requests multiple times before imposing consequences. If, on the other hand, parents make clear requests, give the child a few moments to comply, provide one warning that includes a reminder of the consequence for non-compliance, and then impose a negative consequence for non-compliance, children will be more likely to comply with requests in a timely manner.

When children misbehave, before imposing a consequence, the Prudent Parent asks herself, “Is there anything that I did or didn’t do that set the child up for failure in the particular situation?” If the answer is “yes,” then she should ask herself, “What should I do to avoid this in the future?” Parents must always seek to set their child up for success rather than failure. When action following misbehavior is based on accurate observations and information, it is more likely to be appropriate. And sometimes, the right action is no action at all.

The Prudent Parent understands that there will be times when, despite clear rules, despite the child’s developing conscience, and despite managing the environment to set the child up for success, the child will misbehave. When this happens, the best course of action is a natural or logical consequence (see posts from May 30 - 31, 2015). Natural consequences are those which occur naturally following misbehavior. For example, leaving a bicycle in the driveway may lead to the natural consequence of having the bike run over by a car and destroyed. But sometimes natural consequences are too severe, too far removed in time, or would be harmful to the child (such as the natural consequence of crossing a busy street without an adult), so logical consequences must be used. Logical consequences (such as taking away a child’s bike for a week if he repeatedly forgets to put it away in the garage when he’s finished using it) are more often seen as fair and just by the child. Because logical consequences are seen as reasonable, the child will be more likely to accept them without undue complaint.

Of course, as children are only human, they may find it easier to blame misbehavior on someone or something else rather than to accept responsibility for doing something wrong (“The dog ate my homework”). This is especially true with children whose self-esteem is not yet strong enough to allow them to accept that they made a mistake. Some children may feel that if they admit to making a mistake they will be judged to be a bad person. (Furman, 1987) In order to encourage the child to tell the truth, it is important for parents to focus on the behavior rather than on the child when explaining why a consequence is being imposed.

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References

Furman, E., (1987) Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.

Hoghughi, M. and Long, N., (2004) Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.

Helping Preschoolers to Behave Appropriately

Preschool-age children who have been taught to express their emotions in words rather than through actions can begin to control the outward manifestations of those emotions. In other words, they are more capable of controlling their behavior than they were when they were toddlers, even when their misbehavior is the result of emotions such as anger or frustration.

Despite the increasing emotional maturity, preschoolers still respond, to some degree, to all of the strategies used to help toddlers manage their behavior (see post from 12 July 2015). It is important to note, however, that these strategies will have to be modified to meet the needs of the older child.

To reiterate, the best approach to helping the child learn to control his behavior involves the following:

1. allowing the child to make choices;

2. planning ahead to help the child behave appropriately;

3. making and enforcing a few simple rules;

4. preventing misbehavior through environmental controls; and,

5. using “timeout” to enforce rules when other methods of discipline are ineffective.

Making Choices

Modifications that should be made to this strategy include allowing the child to make choices from a wider variety of options each day. For example, instead of choosing between two items of clothing, for example, he should be allowed to choose from among all of the seasonally-appropriate clothing in his closet. Rather than choosing from only two breakfast items, he should be allowed to choose from among all available breakfast items. Making choices from among a greater number of possibilities gives the child more practice in decision making, and thus increases his sense of independence and control.

Planning Ahead

In addition, while planning ahead is still highly useful, getting the child to do what you want him to do is more difficult because, for one thing, the child’s memory is better. For example, keeping things out of his sight will not necessarily keep him from wanting to play with them. The adage, “out of sight, out of mind” does not work as well as it did when the child was a toddler. So, rather than trying to induce the child to do what you want him to do, you may need to employ various techniques to modify his wants instead. Substitution (not this, but that) can work well with a preschooler (“No, you may not paint now because we don’t have time, but you may draw instead”). Additionally, you can require that the child postpone doing an activity until it better suits your schedule (not now, but then) (“You may not paint right now, because we have to go out soon, but you may paint when we get home.”). Both substitution and postponing can work because the preschool child does not live entirely in the present. He can remember that in the past you have kept your word about allowing him to do something at another time, so he trusts you to do the same this time.

Environmental Controls

As with planning ahead, environmental controls still work to some degree, but they require modifications. Because the preschooler cannot be confined to just a few “child-proofed” rooms, you must manage his environment more by preparing him for situations rather than preparing the environment for him. This involves, for example, making clear your expectations for a particular activity or situation before entering into it.

Once the child is of preschool age, he is old enough to understand verbal instructions about behavior. At this point, acceptable and unacceptable behaviors may be described in simple language prior to bringing the child into a situation. For example, prior to taking your child
shopping, it can be explained that you are going to the mall to shop for clothes for him. You expect him to stay with you at all times, not to fuss or whine, and to come with you immediately when you say that it is time to go. Once he is clear on your expectations, you can explain the consequences of misbehavior as well as the reward for compliance. For example, you could tell him that if he misbehaves, you will give him one warning. After that, you will leave the mall and come straight home whether or not the shopping has been completed. Explain to him that if he is compliant, you will stop at the playground on the way home after the shopping has be completed.

If you have to impose the negative consequence, be sure and do so immediately following the misbehavior and in a kind and matter-of-fact way. “I can see that you are not ready to cooperate today. We’ll try again another day. Now we’re going home.” And no matter how much he fusses and whines about it, stick to your guns and go home. If this happens a couple of times, the child will learn that you mean business and will meet your expectations, assuming that he is capable of doing so.

If you find that your child does not meet your expectations in a particular situation a number of times, you will know that he is not yet capable of maintaining that standard of behavior. You can either lower you expectations so that your child can be successful or, better yet, abandon the particular activity until your child is a bit older and more mature.

If your child is successful at meeting expectations, be sure to praise him, thank him for his cooperation, and give him a hug. If you have determined a positive consequence for compliance, then provide that. In many cases, your approval may be all the positive reinforcement that he needs.

Rules

By about age three, children have internalized a few of the parents’ and the teacher’s rules (and have a developing conscience). For example, the child will stay away from the books on the book shelf rather than pull them off as he would have when he was a toddler, and he can be expected to stay away from the stove when it is hot. But, the preschooler’s self-discipline is a fragile thing, and he cannot be relied upon in the parents’ absence to do the right (or the safe) thing because he has not yet fully internalized all of the rules. This is why careful supervision is still important at this stage. For the most part, the preschooler is following rules because he wants to please his parents (or his teacher) rather than because it is the “right” thing to do. It is the loving approval of the adults in his life that he seeks above all else, so this has great power to modify behavior.

Preschool-age children often tattle on each other. This is a sign that they have begun to internalize more rules. Children of this age also begin to lie to cover up misbehavior because their conscience is beginning to develop, letting them know that they have done wrong.

Timeout

Timeout is still an appropriate negative consequence for misbehavior, although its duration should be increased (one minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). Alternatively, if the child has been given a timeout because he is having a tantrum, you may want to let him decide when to end the time out. Giving the instruction that he may leave timeout once he has calmed down may give him the incentive to pull himself together. In addition, using timeout in this fashion gives the child the responsibility for his own behavior to a larger degree, and this promotes independence on his part.

Conclusion

Preschool-age children are more capable of managing their own behavior than they were when they were toddlers. If taught to do so, they can begin to describe their emotions rather than act on them. Because of this, they can more easily use words instead of actions to express their negative emotions. This enables them to control their behaviors to a larger degree (they may learn to say such things such as, “I don’t like it when you take my blocks!” rather than hit the offending child with the blocks). They are still quite rule-bound, however, and they tend to follow rules largely because they want to please the adults in their lives (parents and teachers). But, they are beginning to show signs of a developing conscience (tattling and lying, for example).

Helping Toddlers Manage their Behavior

Introduction

Terrible twos or terrific twos? Which is it? It depends on how you look at it. Toddlers are active, curious, and full of fun. They are also willful and stubborn. This is because the toddler stage is a transitional stage between infancy and childhood. Between the ages of one and three, the child often has one foot firmly planted in each stage and will move back and forth between stages on a daily basis before he finally settles into childhood. It takes a patient and thoughtful parent to guide the child from infancy into childhood through the sometimes turbulent waters of toddlerhood.

When parenting a child who is in the middle of the toddler stage, it may be comforting to know that the rebelliousness and the defiance that are characteristic of this stage are actually positive steps on the child’s road to increased independence. What makes this stage particularly difficult for both the toddler and his parents is the fact that the toddler cannot control his emotions. This can lead to temper tantrums, which are exhausting for both the child and his parents. Fortunately, while a child of this age cannot control his feelings, he can learn to control his actions.

The best approach to helping the toddler learn to control his behavior involves the following:

1. allowing the child to make some choices every day;

2. planning ahead to help the child want to do what you want him to do;

3. making and enforcing a few simple rules;

4. preventing misbehavior through environmental controls; and,

5. using “timeout” to enforce rules when other methods of discipline are ineffective.

Making Choices

Toddlers want to be “in charge” of their own behavior. Yet, they are not old enough to make good choices without guidance. The Prudent Parent provides many opportunities guide the toddler in making decisions about a wide variety of things. By creating these opportunities, you give the child the feeling that he is in control of himself, and the less out of control he feels, the less likely he will be to end up trying to exert control via the temper tantrum.

For example, when helping the toddler get dressed, ask him, “Do you want to wear your blue shirt or your yellow shirt?” When preparing his breakfast, ask him, “Do you want toast or cereal?” When deciding what to do during playtime, ask him, “Do you want to play at McIntire Park or Sunset Park?” In each case, both choices are acceptable to you, and your child has the opportunity to make a decision for himself. Providing choices like this is vastly preferable to getting into power struggles with a two-year-old over every little thing.

Planning Ahead

Planning ahead can also prevent a lot of problems from even starting. If you can manage to get your child to want to do what it is that you want him to do, so much the better for everyone. For example, if you know that your child likes to paint, but you can’t always supervise this messy activity, don’t give him the opportunity to choose painting when it is inconvenient for you.

First of all, store the painting supplies in an out-of-sight location--out of sight, out of mind. Then, for example, before putting him down for his nap, ask him whether he wants to play outside with you on the swings, whether he wants to play in the sandbox, or whether he wants to play with blocks after he wakes up. This gives him the opportunity to make the decision about what he will do from among options that are agreeable to you and doesn’t introduce the possibility of painting into his consciousness.

If, despite only offering him equally-acceptable alternatives, he demands to paint, instead of saying “no,” offer him the opportunity to paint later when it is more convenient for you. If he throws a temper tantrum because his desire to paint now is being thwarted, then let him know that he can choose to calm down and paint later or he can continue to fuss and not paint that day at all. If your child knows, without a doubt, that you mean what you say, this may give him sufficient reason to stop fussing and allow him to save face.

But what is it that makes a toddler react with total indignation when told “no?” Toddlers live, for the most part, in the present. For them, if they can’t do it now, they’ll never be able to do it. Hence, the overreaction. This is when it is important to teach the toddler that when you say, “not now, but later,” you actually mean what you say. The more times you make the promise of “not now, but later” and keep that promise, the more quickly the toddler will learn that he can trust what you say in this regard, and the more likely he will be to be willing to delay gratification of his wishes.

Making and Enforcing Rules

Making a few hard-and-fast rules can also help the toddler behave appropriately. When making rules, it is important to make only ones that are really necessary for the health, safety, and well-being of the child. The more rules you make, the more you have to enforce, and spending every day enforcing rules can be tiring for even the most dedicated parent.

Still, there are rules that must be enforced. For example, if the toddler won’t stay buckled in his car seat, you should pull over at the first convenient spot and explain that you cannot drive unless everyone is buckled in. Explain that this is the law, and that everyone must abide by it. Do not begin driving if he is unbuckled. It won’t take having to do this too many times before your toddler comes to accept that his rule is unbreakable.

One thing that I noticed when I was parenting toddlers is that when you are managing a toddler’s behavior day in and day out, it is easy to fall into the habit of either giving in to everything to avoid a tantrum or saying “no” to everything out of habit. Each time the toddler does something that you immediately react to by saying “no,” ask yourself whether it is important for the child to be prohibited from doing whatever it is. If there is really no good reason to say “no,” consider saying “yes.”

Before saying “no,” ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is it unsafe for my child to do this? (e.g., riding his tricycle in the street, walking across the street without holding an adult’s hand, or playing in the kitchen without supervision)

2. Will this behavior impinge upon the rights of others? (e.g., climbing on the dinner table, talking during a movie in the theater, or running around a restaurant)

3. Does saying “yes” to this set a precedent for the future that I’d rather not set?

If the answer to these questions is “no,” then consider saying “yes” to your child. Reserve “no” for those times when it is truly important for you to do so. Remember, no one ever said that parenting a toddler is easy. For more on making and enforcing rules, see posts from 30 May 2015 through 31 May 2015.

Using Environmental Controls

Environmental controls can be a useful alternative to making and enforcing a lot of rules. Environmental control means setting up the environment to promote the child’s success. For example, in order to give the child the most freedom in his environment possible, which is important for his sense of autonomy, it is best to “child-proof” several rooms in the house and designate those rooms as being the toddler’s rooms. Having areas in the house where you don’t have to continually say “no” to the child allows both you and he to have more positive experiences throughout the day.

When “child-proofing” a room, you must look at it from the perspective of a curious, active toddler and remove items that are breakable, delicate, or dangerous to the child. If you don’t want books pulled off of the shelves and scribbled upon, then remove them from book shelves. Don’t display items that may be attractive to a toddler on high shelves, as he will be tempted to climb up on something to get them. Kitchen items that are dangerous should be kept in drawers or cabinets with childproof locking mechanisms on them.

In addition to “child-proofing,” it is important to ensure that your child is not hungry or tired before attempting to do anything with a toddler. Making sure that his physical needs have been met before undertaking any activity (such as taking the toddler grocery shopping, to the library, or to a play-date) is part of environmental control, and is, therefore, critical to his success.

Don’t be surprised to find that your toddler is constantly figuring out new and different ways to get into mischief. You’ll need to be on your toes to stay one step ahead of the active toddler. It is important for your sanity to try to look upon these developments as evidence of the child’s increasingly sophisticated problem-solving skills rather than simply as defiance.

Despite your best efforts, your child will still rebel from time to time. It is a natural part of the drive toward independence and is to be expected. When confronted with rebellion, it is important not to “get into it” with your child. If your decision is nonnegotiable, then simply restate what your child must do in a firm, yet friendly tone of voice. (“I need you to put away your toys now and get ready to go to Grandma’s house.”). You may have to repeat yourself several times before your toddler understands that you are not giving him a choice. This is called the “broken record” technique. I have used this method successfully in with noncompliant students over the years, and it usually works. In any case, it is infinitely better than trying to win an argument with a two-year-old

Timeout

When all else fails, and your child gets into mischief, breaks a rule, or throws a temper tantrum, a timeout may be necessary. See the post from 1 June 2015 for a comprehensive look at the mechanics and usefulness of timeout.

Conclusion

The period between the ages of one and three can be a challenging one, but with the right tools in your parenting toolbox, it can also be gratifying. It is satisfying to see your child go from being a dependent infant to a more independent young child. During this period, the toddler becomes better able to communicate, and once he can make his wishes known, he becomes more in control of his emotions. While it is difficult for him to control his feelings, once he can name them, he is on the way toward mastering them. In any case, it is possible to help the toddler control his behavior. Be patient and hopeful, and recognize that the “terrible twos” are sometimes the “terrific twos,” and in either case, they don’t last forever.