Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Early Adoldescence (Ages 14 - 16)

This stage brings rapid physical, intellectual, social, and emotional change and the risks associated with these changes. It is also the beginning of a quest for identity in all areas including academic, social, family, and community. As a part of this, the teen should begin to accept responsibility for his own life to a much greater degree than he had previously. The Prudent Parent recognizes the importance of this and hands over the reins to greater and greater degrees as the teen demonstrates the maturity to handle increased independence. As part of this, the teen is expected to challenge authority.

Bruno Bettelheim suggested that parents “accept odd, antagonistic, or otherwise unpleasant behavior without approving of it.” (Amundson, 1989)

Early adolescence is also a time for children to concern themselves with their sexual identity, and they may form early romantic relationships. In addition, the peer group becomes central to their lives, and their parents are relegated to a secondary (or tertiary) role. They also begin to question their parents’ values as well as community and social norms, and this can create conflict with parents. (Davis, 2009) The Prudent Parent makes her values clear to the teen, yet she is tolerant of the teen’s questioning and rejection of those values knowing that in all likelihood, this is a temporary situation. The teen must try out various value systems at this age, yet, in many circumstances, when the teen becomes an adult, he will, once again, adopt the parents’ core values as his own.

Opening one’s self up to another person is required in order to enter into an intimate relationship (either a friendship or a romance) with that person, and thus, the teen risks getting hurt. The parent can do little to prevent her child from experiencing these social hurts, but she can be there for the teen when they occur. Being available as a shoulder to cry on (without the “I told you so,”) is the job of the Prudent Parent. If the teen knows that the parent will be there to help pick up the pieces, he will be more willing to open himself up in the kinds of ways that are necessary to build strong friendships and other intimate relationships.

Also, when the teen expresses his beliefs, convictions, and ideas, especially if they are contrary to his parents’ beliefs, convictions, and ideas, he risks disapproval, denigration, and humiliation. On the other hand, if he expresses himself well, he may feel the positive feelings associated with self-expression and self-assertion including self-confidence and self-esteem. (Davis, 2009) It is part of the parents’ job to listen to and respect the teen’s beliefs, convictions, and ideas without necessarily agreeing with them

“I understand where you’re coming from, and I respect your views. I don’t agree with your conclusions and here’s why. It’s been my experience that . . .”

As the child matures, he will begin to size up situations and decide when and where to express his ideas in a public forum. He will eventually be able to determine when it is worth the risk to express himself and when it is not. Developing the ability to evaluate the situation and to decide to speak up or not is an important skill. (Davis, 2009) At first, he may need some gentle guidance from you (always behind the scenes) about the relative merits of speaking up at any given time and in any given place. For example, while it may be perfectly fine to express your ideas about sex, drugs, and rock and roll around peers, it is probably best to keep those ideas to yourself around grandma and grandpa.

The Prudent Parent takes all of this into account and, ideally, welcomes these changes. But if you cannot welcome them, try to tolerate them, at least. It is critical to the teen’s developing independence that he be able to express himself in a variety of areas. This does not mean that parents need to put up with disrespectful behavior, however (“It is fine for the two of us to have different ideas about various things, but it is not okay for you to speak to me disrespectfully. I go out of my way to be respectful of you and your ideas, and I expect the same consideration from you.”). Parents who do not respect themselves (and, therefore, do not command respect) often lose the respect of their teenage children.

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References

Amundson, K. (1989). Parenting Skills: Bringing Out the Best in Your Child. Arlington, VA: American Association of School Administrators.

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.

I'm Writing to Myself . . .

Well, it appears from the responses to my last dozen posts, that I'm now officially writing to an audience of one--myself. I just haven't figured out yet how to connect with or interest an audience for my blog posts. But that's okay. I've developed a discipline and am writing almost every day, and that is a good thing. On the negative side of things, I think that there are at least three problems with what I am doing.

First, my writing lacks the immediacy that other bloggers have who are writing from the thick of things as mommies in the trenches have attained. Unfortunately, I raised my children long ago, and I am writing from the distance of about twenty years, so I can't remember all of the stories to go along with the advice. Second, I jump around from targeting parents of infants to parents of teens to parents of elementary-age children to parents of middle schoolers. This makes it difficult for me to sustain an audience. I've got to find a way to figure this out. Who exactly is my audience? Finally, my writing and presentation lacks a certain amount of pizazz. I'm thinking of starting over from the beginning and trying to rewrite my previous posts with a little sex appeal, so to speak, before I write any more academic-sounding posts. Does anyone have any thoughts on this matter?

If anyone out there reads this and has any thoughts on this matter, I'd appreciate your honest feedback. Just lay it out. I've put on my big-girl panties, and I'm ready. Please comment on this post or email me at HarrietDurlingKaplan@gmail.com.

Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Middle School (Ages 11 - 14)

During this period, most children experience the onset of puberty, and this brings rapid growth in the physical, social, and emotional senses. Peers take on added importance, and “tweens” and young teens begin to explore their sexual identity with early boy-girl relationships. Girls more than boys are interested in issues related to sexuality, and due to a surge in hormones, tweens and young teens can begin to experience some emotional turmoil. In the intellectual realm, the ability to think abstractly develops, as does an interest in the issues related to the larger world. (Davis, 2009)

Emotional risks involve many areas of development, but risks associated with peers are paramount. It is risky to ask a girl to “go out” with you because you risk rejection. And because tweens/young teens will often talk about everything with their friends, you risk everyone knowing about the object of your affection’s acceptance or rejection of your feelings. Furthermore, if you are successful in your quest for closeness and intimacy, you feel socially competent and loveable. If you are unsuccessful, you may be overcome with feelings of rejection, isolation, and criticism. (Davis, 2009)

Academic risks are embodied in taking the risk of answering a question in class when you aren’t sure of the answer. Tweens/young teens need to learn how to make mistakes and to feel okay about doing so. The teacher’s response to mistakes is crucial in this realm. If the teacher praises the student’s thought process or his courage in attempting to answer a difficult question, the tween/young teen will likely feel okay about the attempt and will try again in the future. If the teacher only values correct answers, then the tween/young teen will be less likely to take a similar academic risk in the future. (Davis, 2009)

Parents can help their tween/young teen to counterbalance the negatives in his middle school experience (or to enhance the positives), by encouraging him to become involved in extracurricular activities. When he chooses to participate in those things that interest him or those in which he shows a particular talent, he will be encouraged to take good risks and will likely achieve the kinds of successes that lead to further risk-taking and that improve self-esteem. Whether the tween/young teen chooses the arts, sports, leadership, or something else doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he is encouraged to participate fully, to do his very best, to take pride in his achievements, to learn from his mistakes/failures, and to have fun.

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References

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.

Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Elementary School (Ages 5 - 11)

At this stage, the child is very motivated to learn new skills and information. He acquires basic academic skills and wants to please his teachers and his parents. He also seeks to please his peers and develops friendships that are more long lasting than those of the preschool years. He can participate in team sports, learn to play an instrument, learn dance, drawing, acting, and much more. (Davis, 2009)

The child at this stage is capable of meeting the requirements of school and of extra-curricular activities, but there are risks associated with attempts to master these new skills. Every time the child strives to achieve, he risks failure. But, success following risk of failure gives the child a positive feeling and adds to his self-esteem. Excessive failure, on the other hand, can leave the child feeling incompetent and hopeless. (Davis, 2009)

Interestingly enough, excessive success can also be damaging to a child. When situations that should be risky—playing sports, for example—are no longer risky because score is not kept and everyone gets a trophy at the end of the season just for showing up, any self-esteem that is gained is only temporary because it is a false self-esteem. In order to actually increase self-esteem, children must risk failure and occasionally meet with failure (or at least only partial success), so that a win actually means something. And so it is with other sorts of tasks at this age. Telling children that they are all “super stars” at everything eliminates the element of risk as well as the potential benefits.

Good risks that are associated with this stage include attempting to learn something new (the states and capitals, for example), going to a friend’s house for a sleep-over, asking a new friend over to play, writing a creative story, and trying out for the travelling soccer team. Bad risks include not studying for a spelling test, refusing to go on a school field-trip, calling out the answer in class, gossiping about the new child in school, copying another student’s idea for a story, and refusing to try to achieve something that he very much wants to achieve. (Davis, 2009)
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References

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.

Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Preschool (Ages 3 - 5)

By preschool age, the child has mastered the tasks of infancy and is now ready to take on the world beyond the family to a greater degree. Because he has now capable of communicating his needs and toileting independently, he is ready to go to preschool. He has a great deal of intellectual curiosity including an interest in letters, numbers, colors, and shapes. He is also curious about the human body, and his gross- and fine-motor skills are developing at a rapid rate. Socially, he is learning to share, to take turns, and to follow directions, and he is beginning to understand the difference between right and wrong and to develop empathy. (Davis, 2009)

While it is still difficult to separate from the parent when she drops him off at preschool, the child at this stage is better able to tolerate the separation, in part, because his memory is better, and he can trust her to return to pick him up at a designated time (after nap or after lunch, for example). If the child is successful at mastering his separation anxiety, he can feel independent and capable. If he cannot overcome this feeling, he can be left feeling alone and frightened. (Davis, 2009)

Good risks associated with this stage include drawing a person, counting, learning the ABC song, and riding a tricycle. They also include spending the night at grandma’s house and making a new friend at preschool. Bad risks include scribbling on the wall, not participating in group activities at preschool, hitting another child, and running across the street without holding an adult’s hand. (Davis, 2009)

Throughout the period, the preschooler struggles with uncertainty. (“Will Joey play with me today?” “Can I climb to the top of the slide without falling?”) At times, he will experience the joy of success, while at other times, he will experience disappointment. (Davis, 2009) One of the parent’s jobs (and the job of the preschool teacher) is to ensure that the child’s successes far outnumber his disappointments. The more successful experience the child has with good risk-taking, the more likely he will be to take good risks in the future, and the more resilient he will become.

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References

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.

Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Infancy and Toddlerhood (Birth - Age 3)

Soon after birth, the infant connects emotionally with the mother. Over time, the child develops a sense of autonomy from the mother, emerging as a separate person from her. At some point during this stage, the child will experience separation anxiety. The child also masters walking and talking. In addition, he develops trusting relationships with caregivers.

Typical risks during this period include separation from the parent at daycare, which requires the infant/toddler to be able to tolerate feelings that are associated with this separation. At times, separation anxiety may be overwhelming to the child who does not yet have the ability to remember that his mother returned to pick him up yesterday and is likely to do so today as well. If the child has acquired the ability to self-comfort/self-soothe, he will be able to tolerate separation better than the child who has not developed these abilities.

Self-soothing and self-comforting are abilities developed at this stage and are useful at every stage of development following. While specific self-soothing behaviors change over time, they continue to help children cope with frustration and failure and with their willingness to take risks.

Another challenge at this stage is the ability to delay gratification. Children who accept delayed gratification risk not getting something that they want immediately. If they endure this successfully, they feel great pleasure once they get the thing that they waited for. If they are unsuccessful in this, they may be prone to temper tantrums, which can leave them feeling exhausted and helpless.

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References

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.

Child Development and Risk-Taking (Overview)(Part 5 of 6)

It has been determined that children who take good risks become more resilient. That is, they tolerate failure and tend to bounce back. They also become more internally motivated by experiencing feelings of accomplishment, and they are more confident because, more often than not, they achieve what they set out to achieve. Some children are more naturally resilient than others, but exposure to good risk-taking increases resilience. (Davis, 2009)

Risk-taking follows a predictable developmental sequence. At different stages, children want and need to venture into unfamiliar territory. Specific developmental tasks of each stage correspond to common stage-appropriate risks. In addition, there are six “universal risks” that are present at each stage of development.

In order to understand your child’s risk-taking behavior, it is important to understand his stage of development. The next six posts should help with that understanding.