Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Early Adoldescence (Ages 14 - 16)

This stage brings rapid physical, intellectual, social, and emotional change and the risks associated with these changes. It is also the beginning of a quest for identity in all areas including academic, social, family, and community. As a part of this, the teen should begin to accept responsibility for his own life to a much greater degree than he had previously. The Prudent Parent recognizes the importance of this and hands over the reins to greater and greater degrees as the teen demonstrates the maturity to handle increased independence. As part of this, the teen is expected to challenge authority.

Bruno Bettelheim suggested that parents “accept odd, antagonistic, or otherwise unpleasant behavior without approving of it.” (Amundson, 1989)

Early adolescence is also a time for children to concern themselves with their sexual identity, and they may form early romantic relationships. In addition, the peer group becomes central to their lives, and their parents are relegated to a secondary (or tertiary) role. They also begin to question their parents’ values as well as community and social norms, and this can create conflict with parents. (Davis, 2009) The Prudent Parent makes her values clear to the teen, yet she is tolerant of the teen’s questioning and rejection of those values knowing that in all likelihood, this is a temporary situation. The teen must try out various value systems at this age, yet, in many circumstances, when the teen becomes an adult, he will, once again, adopt the parents’ core values as his own.

Opening one’s self up to another person is required in order to enter into an intimate relationship (either a friendship or a romance) with that person, and thus, the teen risks getting hurt. The parent can do little to prevent her child from experiencing these social hurts, but she can be there for the teen when they occur. Being available as a shoulder to cry on (without the “I told you so,”) is the job of the Prudent Parent. If the teen knows that the parent will be there to help pick up the pieces, he will be more willing to open himself up in the kinds of ways that are necessary to build strong friendships and other intimate relationships.

Also, when the teen expresses his beliefs, convictions, and ideas, especially if they are contrary to his parents’ beliefs, convictions, and ideas, he risks disapproval, denigration, and humiliation. On the other hand, if he expresses himself well, he may feel the positive feelings associated with self-expression and self-assertion including self-confidence and self-esteem. (Davis, 2009) It is part of the parents’ job to listen to and respect the teen’s beliefs, convictions, and ideas without necessarily agreeing with them

“I understand where you’re coming from, and I respect your views. I don’t agree with your conclusions and here’s why. It’s been my experience that . . .”

As the child matures, he will begin to size up situations and decide when and where to express his ideas in a public forum. He will eventually be able to determine when it is worth the risk to express himself and when it is not. Developing the ability to evaluate the situation and to decide to speak up or not is an important skill. (Davis, 2009) At first, he may need some gentle guidance from you (always behind the scenes) about the relative merits of speaking up at any given time and in any given place. For example, while it may be perfectly fine to express your ideas about sex, drugs, and rock and roll around peers, it is probably best to keep those ideas to yourself around grandma and grandpa.

The Prudent Parent takes all of this into account and, ideally, welcomes these changes. But if you cannot welcome them, try to tolerate them, at least. It is critical to the teen’s developing independence that he be able to express himself in a variety of areas. This does not mean that parents need to put up with disrespectful behavior, however (“It is fine for the two of us to have different ideas about various things, but it is not okay for you to speak to me disrespectfully. I go out of my way to be respectful of you and your ideas, and I expect the same consideration from you.”). Parents who do not respect themselves (and, therefore, do not command respect) often lose the respect of their teenage children.

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References

Amundson, K. (1989). Parenting Skills: Bringing Out the Best in Your Child. Arlington, VA: American Association of School Administrators.

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.