As I mentioned in an earlier post, car time is a great time to have conversations or to talk to your teen about things that are on your mind. And you may find other times when your teen is open to having discussions, but how do you begin if he is unwilling or unable to do so? Here are some pointers:
1. Ask open-ended questions to start conversations. Ask questions that cannot be answered with a “yes,” a “no,” or a “whatever.” For example, you can ask, “How did the class react to your presentation on surgery during the Civil War? or “What was the band’s reaction to trying to learn the new piece of music today?” or “When the team tried out that new defensive strategy, what did the opposing team do to try to score?”
2. Use what you already know about your teen’s life to find opportunities to spend time together that lend themselves to discussion. For example, you might say, “I know that there is a dance at school coming up. Which of your friends is planning to go? If you are planning to go, would you like to go shopping with me this weekend so that you can buy something new to wear?” or maybe, “I know that you’ve been wanting to learn to knit but that you don’t want me to teach you. There’s a weekend craft school in Ashville, and I was thinking of going to learn basic weaving. Would you like to go with me and take the knitting class while I take introduction to weaving?”
3. Listen carefully when your teen does open up. Make sure that you are clear on what your teen is trying to say by using reflective listening. Using “I-messages,” paraphrase what your teen says to you back to him. For example, “What I think you’re telling me is that Melinda barely listened to you when you tried to ask her out today. Is that right?” If your teen tells you that “you just don’t get it” or that “you aren’t listening,” then ask him to explain it to you so that you can understand. Then, try again to make sure that you understand.
4. Make sure that you don’t interrupt when your teen is speaking. Just as you want to be heard without interruption, your teen feels the same way. When he seems to be finished speaking, try asking him, “Is there anything else you’d like to tell me about that?” rather than jumping in to talk as soon as he pauses for a breath.
5. Stay calm and maintain a neutral tone of voice. If you want your teen to confide in you, you have to keep yourself from overreacting to what he is telling you. Remember, you do not always have to agree with or approve of what he is telling you or what he has done, but you need to accept what he is saying in order for him to feel comfortable coming to you in the future.
6. Stop what you are doing and give your attention to your teen when he talks to you. Unless you are driving your car or doing something else that requires your attention, stop what you are doing and give your full attention to your teen when he talks to you. By giving your attention to your teen, you demonstrate to him that what he is saying is important to you and that he is important to you.
7. Regularly reassure your teen that he can come to you with anything and that you will always love him. Remind your teen frequently that you will be there for him—no matter what. You can explain to him that while you might not always agree with his actions or with the decisions he makes, you will continue to love him.
8. Share your own life experiences and those of your friends with your teen. It may be helpful for you to share with your teen the fact that you did not always make good decisions as a teen, that you and your friends made mistakes, and that you sometimes suffered consequences for those mistakes. By opening up to your teen in this way, you may make yourself easier to relate to, and in doing so, you may find that your teen is more likely to share his own mistakes and worries with you. You probably needn’t be concerned that your teen will be shocked to find out that you were not perfect when you were his age. It is unlikely that he thinks that you are perfect now, so why would he think that you were perfect as a teen?
9. If, for whatever reason, your teen can’t seem to talk to you about his life, make sure that he has a trusted person in his life to whom he can relate. Maybe this is an aunt or uncle, or maybe it’s an older cousin. In rare cases, it may be a grandparent. No matter who it is, make sure that the person is available to the teen, is worthy of the teen’s confidences, and is likely to give sound advice when asked.
10. Try not to give unsolicited advice. If you are constantly stepping in with unwanted advice, your teen will cease to share his problems with you. In addition, it’s better to help the teen find his own answers than to have you solve his problems for him. Solving his problems for him does not give him practice in doing this for himself, and this only prolongs his dependence on you. He needs to struggle to find his own solutions in order to become independent. If he is facing a problem, and he can’t come up with a solution on his own, he may ask you for help. If this happens, you can offer some alternative ways of approaching the problem, but don’t be in a hurry to solve the problem for him. Let the decision about what to do be left up to him. And if he doesn’t solicit your advice, then stay out of it if at all possible.
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