Parenting at this stage focuses on helping the child accomplish the essential developmental task of acquiring a sense of industry (rather than a feeling of inferiority), and parents’ help is more psychological than physical. Parents can assist their child in developing this feeling of being able to accomplish important tasks by providing positive reinforcement for efforts to learn new skills, both in school and in extra-curricular activities. Parents can also encourage their child to develop personal interests by providing him with instruction/coaching in areas in which he expresses an interest including, for example, music, art, dance, sports, etc.
Parents must also provide support for developing social skills, such as being cooperative, showing consideration for others, being open to new experiences, demonstrating curiosity and creativity, and engaging in self-control. Also, parents must recognize and reward the development of self-directedness, being a self-starter, and seeking help when needed. (Bigner, 1994)
Children of this age require support in their behavior management. Helping the child consider choices and options and to make good decisions regarding his behavior is far better than engaging in power struggles and using coercion. In addition, allowing children to experience the natural/logical consequences of their actions helps them learn to make good decisions in the future.
Because of their black-or-white thinking, children of this age are especially vulnerable to criticism and labeling. Once a child has a negative impression of himself, it is difficult for this to change. Continue to approve of and disapprove of behaviors, not of the child, to avoid leading the child to label himself in a negative way. (Levine, 2006)
When it comes to school, parents should demonstrate appropriate involvement in their child’s academic life. This means showing interest but resisting the temptation to monitor every detail of his academic progress. For example, parents should look at the big picture and not overemphasize daily grades, and they should expect children of this age to complete homework assignments more or less independently.
Some parents have a tendency to interfere in their child’s school life, and this often begins in elementary school. Once begun, this interference can span decades of the child’s life. It is best for parents to let their child own his own school experience. Express an interest in school, but do not contact the teacher unnecessarily, and let your child work out his own problems in school unless the problems become chronic. Also, don’t be tempted to bribe your child to get good grades. This may lead him to work for external rewards rather than for internal gratification. The problem with this is that he will not learn to value learning for its own sake, and so when the external rewards are not forthcoming, he will stop performing.
Children will model their behavior on that of their parents, so be sure to model pro-social behaviors. One thing to note is that children of this age can be highly self-critical. Because of this, the parent must model self-acceptance and courage/persistence in the face of personal challenges. Furthermore, because these children can be quite competitive, parents should emphasize teamwork and effort and deemphasize competition and performance. Also, parents should model taking responsibility for personal actions, and they should encourage their child to do the same.
While working hard in school and keeping up with extracurricular activities is to be encouraged, parents need to make sure that the child has adequate downtime for dreaming, creating, and imagining without the pressure of constant evaluation. Ensuring that the child has sufficient unstructured time is part of providing for the child’s developmental need to make more decisions about how he will spend his time. Allowing him an increased amount of freedom is an important part of the “letting go” that parents must face as their child gets older.
Another way that parents can “let go” is to allow their child to spend time away from home. Sleep-overs, camping trips with other families or with groups such as Scouts, and summer camp should be encouraged, as all promote independence.
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References
Bigner, J. (1994). Parent-Child Relations: An Introduction to Parenting. New York: Macmillan College Publishing Company.
Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.
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