Proactive Parenting: Preschoolers

Preschoolers are motivated to please their parents and teachers and to avoid displeasing them. With this in mind, strive to praise and encourage desirable behaviors rather than criticize undesirable behaviors as often as possible. Using “I-messages” to focus attention on acceptable behaviors (“I like it when you share your toys with your friends when they come over to play.”) is a good way to let your child know which behaviors you approve of.

When talking with your child about his behavior, be sure to separate the behavior from the child. Because you should strive to approve of or disapprove of the behavior rather than the child, you should avoid making statements like, “You’re being a good boy today.” Rather, you should always praise the specific behavior, as in, “You are cooperating in the grocery store very well today.”

When establishing behavioral expectations, keep in mind that your child’s self-control is very tentative at this age. Engineer the environment for success by ensuring that your child is well rested, well fed, and clothed appropriately for the weather before attempting any activity. There will be enough frustration in your child’s life without adding to it unnecessarily. Also remember that your child’s development is both rapid and uneven. Don’t worry about the occasional lapses in self-control; often these will resolve themselves without intervention from you.

One additional way to help your child behave appropriately is to prepare your child for participation in various activities by talking with him about what he can expect. For example, you might say, "When you get to Grandma's house, she will want to talk with you for a few minutes before you go and play in the backyard. I will let you know when it is time to go outside and play." This gives your child the opportunity to get used to the idea of what he may and may not do prior to becoming immersed in a situation.

If your preschooler does misbehave and that misbehavior is serious enough to warrant action on your part, try to take action in a matter-of-fact manner. For example, if your child hits another child, remove him from the situation and let him know that “it’s not okay to hit even if you’re angry” and that “we’ll have to go home now, but you can try to play with Jason another day.” Anger on your part will not help the situation. In general, your child is not misbehaving intentionally. It is more likely that he is experiencing a lapse in self-control. If the misbehavior becomes chronic rather than occasional, develop a behavior plan that involves rewards and logical consequences with the help of a professional (teacher or counselor).

Some consequences of misbehavior are natural ones and do not have to be administered by you. For example, if your child grabs a toy from another child, that child may grab the toy right back, upsetting your child. Do not overly sympathize with your child in this situation. In a sense, he deserved what he got. “Well, what can you expect?” might be the appropriate response. Softening the natural consequences of misbehavior doesn’t help the child to develop self-control, whereas allowing the natural consequence of the misbehavior to play itself out may help to extinguish that behavior.

Also, model the kind of behavior that you expect from your child. For example, label your emotions and articulate a plan for dealing with those emotions. You might say, “I’m very irritated by the traffic because I am worried that we’re going to be late for your piano lesson. Next time, I plan to leave earlier so that we won’t have this problem.” In addition to thinking out loud about your feelings, you should model prosocial behaviors that you want to see in your child. When you speak respectfully to your child, always using “please” and “thank you” when making requests, you increase the liklihood that your child will speak politely to you.