Risk-Taking Style
A child’s risk-taking style is the degree to which he welcomes physical, social, intellectual, or emotional risks. The way in which individuals approach risk is influenced by five factors. These factors are listed below. This list is followed by a detailed description of how each factor influences risk-taking style. In today's post, we explore the parent-child relationship and its effect on risk-taking style.
The five factors affecting risk-taking style include the following:
1. the parent-child relationship;
2. the temperaments of both the parent and the child;
3. the child’s age/stage of development;
4. the parent’s background and parenting style; and,
5. the influences of school and community.
1. The Parent-Child Relationship and Risk-Taking
It is in the context of the parent-child relationship that the child demonstrates and develops his risk-taking style. Knowing this, the parent must understand her own feelings about risk-taking, because interactions with parents influence the child’s risk-taking style. In order for the parent to know her own risk-taking style, she must self-reflect, and in order to know her child’s risk-taking style, she must know her child intimately. Part of getting to know the child involves the practice of listening.
Learning to listen well takes time and practice. Good listening involves paying attention to what is being said as well as to how it is being said, what is not being said, and what is being implied by non-verbal cues.
Honing our ability to listen to our children helps us distinguish between what our child needs and wants and our own needs and wants. Listening well helps us to understand our child’s individual temperament and his developmental stage. It also helps strengthen the parent-child relationship, which makes all other things possible.
When learning to be a good listener, it is important to consider whether or not our own agenda is interfering with our ability to “hear” our children. Are we pushing them into things because we want certain things for them? Are they enjoying the activity or are they telling us (verbally or nonverbally) that they’d rather be doing something else?
By listening well, we demonstrate to our child that what they are saying is worthwhile and that they are loveable enough to hold our full and undivided attention. While is natural for us to be more or less “available” to our children depending upon what is going on in our lives, it is critical to the child that we are “there” a good deal of the time.
This does not imply that we must micromanage our children’s lives. Micromanaging causes children to remain dependent upon their parents and on their parents’ approval long after they should be self-confident and independent. It simply means that we must be emotionally available to them when we are physically present.
By expressing an interest in our child and in how his day went, we learn more about what/how he thinks, what/how he feels, and what is important to him. It is through an understanding of these everyday experiences that we gain insight into our child, which enables us to guide him into positive risk-taking and away from negative risk-taking.
Some children are easier to “read” than others. With those who are not forthcoming with information, we must work harder to get to know them. We need to actively prompt them to talk about what‘s going on in their lives and to be on the lookout for the opportune moment to bring up certain topics. It is also important to know when to back off and allow them to process their own thoughts and feelings before expecting them to discuss those thoughts and feelings with us.
Listening well to our child builds connections with him and teaches him the give-and-take necessary for building other intimate relationships later in life. When the parent is emotionally available and empathetic toward the child, the child develops the inner resources to withstand, manage, and tolerate all kinds of feelings. He also learns that intimacy is comfortable and natural.
Empathy is an important part of good listening. The ability to put oneself in another’s shoes and to feel another’s feelings is a “profound gesture of understanding” and reflects a generosity of spirit because it can be painful to know the sadness and distress of another. By modeling empathy with our children and others, we aid children in developing empathy themselves. When a child is feeling another’s pain, it is tempting to “fix” the situation and relieve the child’s suffering, but it may be better to simply sit with the child and allow him to fully feel his feelings.
When we listen to our children, they may reveal undesirable qualities about themselves. It behooves parents to get to the bottom of these situations to understand what is being said or implied. If the child is bragging or being critical of others, for example, is it because he is feeling insecure about some aspect of his life? Asking questions to draw out more information while withholding disapproval may lead to increased understanding of the causes of these behaviors.
Ask your child for details. Make sure that you elicit how your child feels about the situation (anger, frustration, jealousy). Once you are clear on every aspect of your child’s undesirable behavior, you can express your disapproval of the behavior (not your disapproval of the child). Following that, you must decide on a fair and appropriate consequence for the behavior and then follow through with that consequence.
A consequence is not a punishment. Rather, it should be a learning experience. Help your child to understand how his behavior affected others (“How do you think Justin felt when you told him that you wouldn’t be his friend if he didn’t let you copy his homework? How did you feel about asking him to let you copy his work and pass it off as your own? What led you to do this rather than do the homework yourself?”). Once he is clear on what led to the behavior and how it affected others, you can come up with a fair consequence and help your child to make amends for his behavior. It may be appropriate to involve your child in coming up with the consequence (“What do you think an appropriate consequence would be in this situation? What would help you to think twice about doing this sort of thing again?”).
For some children, expressing feelings is difficult. Parental modeling of expressing feelings can help teach children to do this (“I’m feeling very worried about Grandma and Grandpa right now. I expected them to be here at five o’clock, and it’s almost six. Where could they be?”). We must encourage our children to feel their own feelings (rather than to feel our feelings) and to be able to verbalize them without fear of consequences.
Active listening is both an art and a skill that requires practice. A child who is heard can more easily put himself “out there” and attempt to accomplish something that he is not altogether sure he can do. A child who knows that his courage is appreciated whether or not he succeeds is more likely to take an emotional risk.
Listening well accomplishes the following:
1. it enables us to learn who the child is both temperamentally and developmentally;
2. it helps us see our children for who they are (not who we wish they were) and to let them know that we accept them;
3. it helps us see our children’s strengths so that they can be encouraged to take good risks in those areas;
4. it aids us in promoting the self-confidence to accept risks;
5. it conveys loving emotions; and,
6. it allows for more positive interactions and fun with the child.
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
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