Who Owns the Problem?

In order to avoid interfering in your child’s (or teen’s) life unnecessarily, when a problem arises, before becoming involved in solving the problem, parents should first ask the questions, “Whose problem is it?” “Who is experiencing difficulty with whom?” “Whose needs are not being met?” If the answer to any of these questions is, “the child,” then the child owns the problem and should be the primary person who works to solve it. If, however, the child’s behavior is a problem for the parent, then the parent owns the problem, and she should go about solving it.

If the child owns the problem, the parent can help the child by using reflective listening to help clarify the problem (“What I hear you saying is that you are angry with your sister because she won’t turn down her music when you are trying to do your homework”). Then, the parent can help the child explore alternative solutions to the problem (“What are some different ways that you might be able to solve this problem?”). If the child cannot come up with a solution, you can help him by generating some ideas (“Perhaps you could make a deal with her that if she turns the music down for an hour each day, you will do one of her chores for her.” Or, “Maybe you can go to the library to study.”). If the problem is a complex one and the solution isn’t obvious, let your child know that you think the problem is a tough one, admit that you don’t know the answer, and offer to help him find a solution. No matter what, don’t step in and solve the problem for him, and make sure that you demonstrate faith in your child’s ability to solve the problem himself.

If you establish that the problem is yours, then you must determine for yourself how to solve it. It is helpful to your child if you can think about the problem out loud so that you model the steps you use in solving the problem. First, describe the behavior that is bothering you through the use of an “I-message” without attacking your child. For example, you might say, “When you and your sister fight about her music being turned up too loud when you are trying to study, I have a hard time concentrating on my work.” Then you can explain the consequence to your child of continuing the behavior and provide an alternative. “You two can either stop fighting and come to a mutually-acceptable resolution, or I will institute “quiet hours” from three o’clock until six o’clock every afternoon during which time there will be no music, no television, and no loud talking on the phone.”

The important thing about determining ownership of problems is that it gives children practice in solving their own problems in the supportive environment of the home. If you jump in and solve all of their problems for them, they will never have the opportunity to do this for themselves. On the other hand, once they have had sufficient practice within the family, they will be able to translate the skills they have learned and use them at school, in relationships with friends, and beyond. This all takes time, however, so don’t expect miracles. Be patient with them, and hold yourself back.

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References

Dinkmeyer, D. and McKay, G. (1989). The Parent's Handbook. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service.