Proactive Parenting: Advantages and Examples

I have found over the years that being proactive rather than reactive solves a lot of problems before they even arise and enables the Prudent Parent to focus more on the positive aspects of parenting rather than the negative. Preparation is the key to this approach. If you can engineer the environment for your child’s success, your child will require less discipline. Furthermore, the more success your child has, the more self-discipline will emerge. As your child matures, you will be able to undertake more things with your child. Just be aware of his capabilities and adjust accordingly.

Before undertaking anything with your child, create a mental list of the behaviors that you want to encourage in your child in this situation. Then consider the possible negative behaviors that he might display. Then think about what you can do to increase the likelihood of the positive behaviors and to decrease the likelihood of the negative behaviors. Finally, implement the strategy. Once you have successfully (or unsuccessfully) completed the task with your child, re-evaluate and plan for the next experience, adjusting the complexity and duration of the experience accordingly.

Here’s an example. You have to go grocery shopping with your baby. Make sure that he has recently been fed, that his diaper is fresh, that he is dressed in clothing appropriate to the weather and in layers that you can put on and take off depending on the temperature of the store. Make sure that you time the shopping trip so that your child is not tired. Bring a juice box or the equivalent. Bring a box of animal crackers for him to munch on in the store as well as a favorite toy to keep him occupied while you are picking things off of the shelves. Plan to limit the duration of your shopping trip to match your child’s ability to endure it.

In doing this preparation, you eliminate many of the possible causes of fussing. The baby may still fuss, and if he does, you can either take it as a signal that the baby’s patience is nearly at an end and wrap up your shopping before he gets overly upset, or, if you must, you can abandon the cart at the front of the store (the clerk will likely be sympathetic to your plight) and take the child home immediately.

Another example is that you take your preschooler to the mall to buy some much-needed clothes for him (he’s outgrown nearly everything you have for him). At this stage you can do all of the things that you did to ensure a pleasurable trip with a baby (above) plus you can explain to him how you expect him to behave in the car and in the store. You expect that he will stay buckled in his car seat during the trip to and from the store. You expect that he will stay with you at all times in the mall. You expect that he will not fuss during the trip or beg you to buy anything that you are not already planning to buy. If he cooperates, you will stop at his favorite playground on the way home. Then you can tell him the consequence of his failure to cooperate. You may tell him that he will earn a timeout right in the store if he cannot behave himself. You may also tell him that a second incident will show you that he is not ready to behave on a shopping trip, and you will take him home without stopping at the playground and try another day.

If things begin to fall apart, be sure to consider whether or not your preparation was at fault. If so, explain to him that you misjudged the situation and that your decision to go home is not his fault and that you will try again another time. If he cooperates, praise him throughout the trip and follow through on your promise to take him to the playground. Successful experiences with your child in various settings pave the way for future successes.