No matter how hectic life gets, the Prudent Parent recognizes that it is important to maintain as much balance in her life as possible given her circumstances.
First of all, you need to understand that you do not need to entertain your child and enrich his life 100% of his waking hours. You need to have a life beyond fulfilling the role of “mother.” Maybe you want to “live for” your child and you see nothing wrong with that. That may be all well and good for a relatively short period of time when your child is an infant and you are busy all day long with on-demand feeding, changing diapers, and interacting with your baby. This level of attention cannot (and probably should not) be maintained, however.
This does not mean that you should ignore your baby. It just means that when he is content, let him sit in his baby seat and watch you go about your chores from time to time. Provide him with a few toys to look at, chew on, and manipulate. Let him rely on his on resources for entertainment for short periods of time. As he gets a little older, having supervised time to play on his own is important for his need to have a life independent of others.
Once your baby is a few weeks old, try to carve out an hour or so a day for yourself. Enlist a family member's aid to watch your baby while you go out for a run, take a long, hot shower, or read a book. Or team up with another mother and watch her child and yours while she gets out for a walk and then switch roles. At least you’ll be able to get out and get some fresh air, which will often give you a little more perspective on that colicky baby.
After your baby (and older children if you have them) are in bed at night, spend some time communing with your spouse. By the end of the day, it is likely that you need some adult interaction, and it is in everyone’s best interest for the parents to nurture a healthy relationship. So, put off doing the laundry until tomorrow and have a glass of wine and some conversation before you collapse into bed yourself.
Once you are past the 3-month point with your baby, you can more easily resume an interest of your own. Perhaps there’s an exercise class you want to take, or maybe you want to learn to knit. Some classes meet at night, and if your spouse can take over the childcare responsibility while you are in class, so much the better for him, for the baby, and for you. When Esther was an infant, I was in graduate school. I remember lying on the floor studying while she jumped happily in her “Johnny Jump Up” next to me. Prior to having children, I thought I needed large chunks of quiet time in which to study. But once Esther was born, I learned that I could do it in fits and starts and was able to work around her schedule throughout the day.
By the time Miriam came along (and Esther was about 2 years old), it became more difficult to find time for myself, but I did it. I tried various things, but the best idea I had was to hire two sisters from across the street (a tween and a young teen) to come over to the house and play with Esther and Miriam while I worked in my office or while I went for a bike ride with a neighbor. It was fun for my daughters to have two enthusiastic playmates, and it was great for my well-being to get in some writing time or to go for a bike ride and spend time with a friend.
These stories are to let you know that there are benefits to both you and to your children of you having a life that is not 100% focused on them. You will enjoy your children more, gain perspective on the difficulties that are inherent in parenting, and your children will develop more independence. Furthermore, they will see their mother doing things other than mothering, and that will expand their understanding of what a “mom” can be. And that’s good for everyone.
If you are employed outside of the home, your life may be even more hectic than that of the stay-at-home (or work-from-home) mom. Your attempt to balance professional, family, and personal obligations may be even more of a struggle. But it remains important both for you and for your child for you to work hard at living a balanced life.
One thing that many people do not think about is that if, in a two-parent family, both parents are working, it may be financially possible to hire some help. This does not have to mean hiring a full-time nanny. All you may need is a high school student to look after the children in your home from the time school gets out until you get home in the evening. Or it might make sense to hire an adult who would do the same but who would also make dinner for the family. Or, you could do as we did for a couple of years and employ an au pair--a girl from a foreign country who lives in for a year and who does childcare and light housekeeping while she improves her English and takes a class or two at a local college.
We had two au pairs during the time that my husband was running a business and I was starting a private school and attending graduate school. My husband and I were completely overloaded with the demands of our professional responsibilities, raising two young children, and keeping up with cooking and housework. We knew that we needed help, and we could afford it. So we hired someone to clean the house part-time, and we had au pairs for two years. After that, we hired our former cleaning woman to expand her duties to include driving our kids to and from school, shopping, cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. That way, we were able to be at our daughters’ swim meets, attend school events, drive on field trips, etc. And thus, we were able to balance work, family, and personal lives.
Clearly, everyone is not in a position to afford help in the house. In that case, you do the best you can. You get organized, you rely on help with chores from other family members (which promotes responsibility), you say “no” to things that you cannot fit into your schedule (or your child’s schedule), and you focus on what’s important. But remember, you are part of what's important.
The Prudent Parent recognizes that overly focusing on the parenting role can lead to the loss of self-identity beyond that of “parent,” the loss of the relationship with one’s partner, and the over-investment in the lives of the children (doing too much for them). In order to avoid these pitfalls, it is important for parents to carve out private time in which to relax, to maintain social connections beyond the family, to develop interests outside the family, and to pursue activities that contribute to their identity as adults beyond the role of “parent.”
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Preaparing Your Child for Babysitters
Infants
It is often difficult for the mother to leave her baby with a babysitter for the first time. In her mind, no one can provide the kind of care that she can. To some degree, she is right. So, it is very important to choose a babysitter for an infant very carefully.
In addition to the emotional considerations of leaving your baby for the first time, there are the practical ones to deal with. A breast-fed baby must be willing to take a bottle when the mother is away. We handled this by giving our children one bottle a day almost from the start. Eric looked forward to feeding Esther and Miriam their evening bottle, and this simple act allowed Eric to feel closer to our daughters, and it allowed them to get used to someone other than me feeding them.
Parents should note that babies who are breast fed may not be willing to take a bottle from their mother, but they may be okay with taking a bottle from an alternate caregiver—the father or a babysitter, for example. Once the baby allows someone other than the mother to feed him, it is possible for the mother to get away for a short while and leave her baby with his father or a sitter.
Because babies can tell the difference between care providers within weeks or months of birth, the best choice for a first babysitter may be a member of the family who is familiar with the baby’s routines. In addition, if the baby is familiar with the family member, he may feel immediately comfortable having that family member care for him.
A mother who is reluctant to leave her baby with a sitter may take a couple of intermediate steps before leaving the child with a non-family member for several hours at a time. The first step may be to leave the child with his father. Once she feels comfortable with this arrangement, she can enlist the help of another relative such as a grandparent or an aunt, or she can choose a close family friend. Alternatively the mother can have a non-family member come to the house and care for the child while she is at home for the first few times. This way, the sitter can become familiar with the childcare routines and with the baby before being left alone with him.
Having no family member in close proximity to us, and unwilling to hire someone whom we didn’t know to take care of our baby, we decided to leave our older daughter, Esther, with a doctor friend of ours who had a child of a similar age. Although reluctant to leave her for the first time, we felt certain that or friend could manage in a crisis. This may have been overdoing it with caution, but it made us feel confident enough to go out for the evening.
Whomever you ultimately choose as a babysitter, make sure to develop and use a leave-taking routine when you leave the house (see earlier post on this subject). Using such a routine provides comfort both to the child and to you.
Once you feel comfortable that you have chosen the right sitter, you may still want to make your first outings short ones. This gives the babysitter the chance to get to know the baby and the baby to get to know her. You can then gradually lengthen the time you are away from your baby. Eventually, your baby will get to know the sitter sufficiently well that he will accept her as a substitute caregiver. In any case, do what you need to do to feel comfortable, but try to force yourself to get out. In addition to being good for your mental health, it sets the stage for leaving your older child in the future, which is beneficial for the child’s drive for independence.
Toddlers
Ideally, you will have left your child in the care of someone other than yourself long before he officially becomes a toddler. Otherwise, leaving a toddler with a sitter can be a challenging experience for both you and the child. The period between ages 2 and 3 years of age represents the peak of separation anxiety. So, unless the babysitter is well known to the toddler, there may be considerable crying and clinging upon your departure. Your child should settle down relatively quickly after you leave, however. So try to project confidence as you walk out the door.
Even if your initial experiences with leaving your toddler with a sitter are trying, have faith that it will get easier. Because of the increased independence of toddlers in talking, feeding, and dressing, they can actually enjoy time with a babysitter once they get over initial dismay at being left by you. Having someone new to play with who is willing to devote 100% of her attention to him may be intensely pleasurable and may outweigh any negative feelings associated with your leaving.
If leaving your toddler with a sitter is a new experience for you and your child, it is best to make your first outings somewhat short so that the toddler can come to understand that when you leave, you always come back. In addition to keeping the duration of initial outings short, make sure to use the same leave-taking routine each time. Also recognize that at peak times of need fulfillment, such as mealtime or bedtime, or when under stress, the child may prefer his mother to all others. Consequently, it is best not to leave the child when he is likely to need his mother to a greater degree. A short time during the middle of the day may be best for the first few times you leave your child.
In any case, it is a good idea for parents to get out now and then, and it benefits the child to spend time with a caring adult other than the parent. Keep in mind, however, that toddlers may behave indifferently or negatively toward parents when they return after an absence in order to “punish” them for leaving. An appropriate response to this behavior might be to say, “I missed you, and I’m happy to see you!” The more confidence you exude about the situation, the more likely the child will be to come to accept that you go out on occasion without him.
Preschoolers
In normal situations, preschoolers will tolerate babysitters who are familiar to them and who are familiar with their routines. When under stress, such as with the introduction of a new babysitter, the child may fuss a bit or may use various stalling techniques such as asking for extra stories at bedtime or dawdling at meals or when getting dressed. But given a little time, babysitters can develop a relationship with the child that enables him to see the sitter as an acceptable substitute parent. Even with preschoolers, it is a good idea to continue to use some version of the leave-taking routine established earlier (unless the preschooler has become so cavalier as to no longer need such reassurances).
Elementary Age
By the time a child reaches elementary school, he is able to control his wants, desires, impulses, and feelings, and his life no longer revolves around getting his needs met. He can enjoy a variety of people and experiences, and he can conform to behavioral expectations and rules of the sitter. Having sitters can test a school-age child’s independence in positive ways, and parents should not hesitate to leave their child in the care of a competent, caring sitter.
Middle School
Older middle school children can be safely left at home alone for short periods of time. But if both parents work, it is better for the middle school age child not to come home every day to an empty house. Hiring a high school student to come and “hang out” with your tween can be a good compromise between hiring a “baby sitter,” which can be demeaning to the tween, and allowing him to be home alone every day.
High School
While the teen can safely stay at home on his own, there should be rules set up regarding what is okay and what is not when the parent is away from home. Are friends allowed over? Does the teen have to seek permission before having a friend over? Does the parent of the visitor need to be informed about where he is and that there is no adult supervision? What tasks must the teen perform after school? Homework? Chores? What is the policy on playing video games or on watching TV?
It is often difficult for the mother to leave her baby with a babysitter for the first time. In her mind, no one can provide the kind of care that she can. To some degree, she is right. So, it is very important to choose a babysitter for an infant very carefully.
In addition to the emotional considerations of leaving your baby for the first time, there are the practical ones to deal with. A breast-fed baby must be willing to take a bottle when the mother is away. We handled this by giving our children one bottle a day almost from the start. Eric looked forward to feeding Esther and Miriam their evening bottle, and this simple act allowed Eric to feel closer to our daughters, and it allowed them to get used to someone other than me feeding them.
Parents should note that babies who are breast fed may not be willing to take a bottle from their mother, but they may be okay with taking a bottle from an alternate caregiver—the father or a babysitter, for example. Once the baby allows someone other than the mother to feed him, it is possible for the mother to get away for a short while and leave her baby with his father or a sitter.
Because babies can tell the difference between care providers within weeks or months of birth, the best choice for a first babysitter may be a member of the family who is familiar with the baby’s routines. In addition, if the baby is familiar with the family member, he may feel immediately comfortable having that family member care for him.
A mother who is reluctant to leave her baby with a sitter may take a couple of intermediate steps before leaving the child with a non-family member for several hours at a time. The first step may be to leave the child with his father. Once she feels comfortable with this arrangement, she can enlist the help of another relative such as a grandparent or an aunt, or she can choose a close family friend. Alternatively the mother can have a non-family member come to the house and care for the child while she is at home for the first few times. This way, the sitter can become familiar with the childcare routines and with the baby before being left alone with him.
Having no family member in close proximity to us, and unwilling to hire someone whom we didn’t know to take care of our baby, we decided to leave our older daughter, Esther, with a doctor friend of ours who had a child of a similar age. Although reluctant to leave her for the first time, we felt certain that or friend could manage in a crisis. This may have been overdoing it with caution, but it made us feel confident enough to go out for the evening.
Whomever you ultimately choose as a babysitter, make sure to develop and use a leave-taking routine when you leave the house (see earlier post on this subject). Using such a routine provides comfort both to the child and to you.
Once you feel comfortable that you have chosen the right sitter, you may still want to make your first outings short ones. This gives the babysitter the chance to get to know the baby and the baby to get to know her. You can then gradually lengthen the time you are away from your baby. Eventually, your baby will get to know the sitter sufficiently well that he will accept her as a substitute caregiver. In any case, do what you need to do to feel comfortable, but try to force yourself to get out. In addition to being good for your mental health, it sets the stage for leaving your older child in the future, which is beneficial for the child’s drive for independence.
Toddlers
Ideally, you will have left your child in the care of someone other than yourself long before he officially becomes a toddler. Otherwise, leaving a toddler with a sitter can be a challenging experience for both you and the child. The period between ages 2 and 3 years of age represents the peak of separation anxiety. So, unless the babysitter is well known to the toddler, there may be considerable crying and clinging upon your departure. Your child should settle down relatively quickly after you leave, however. So try to project confidence as you walk out the door.
Even if your initial experiences with leaving your toddler with a sitter are trying, have faith that it will get easier. Because of the increased independence of toddlers in talking, feeding, and dressing, they can actually enjoy time with a babysitter once they get over initial dismay at being left by you. Having someone new to play with who is willing to devote 100% of her attention to him may be intensely pleasurable and may outweigh any negative feelings associated with your leaving.
If leaving your toddler with a sitter is a new experience for you and your child, it is best to make your first outings somewhat short so that the toddler can come to understand that when you leave, you always come back. In addition to keeping the duration of initial outings short, make sure to use the same leave-taking routine each time. Also recognize that at peak times of need fulfillment, such as mealtime or bedtime, or when under stress, the child may prefer his mother to all others. Consequently, it is best not to leave the child when he is likely to need his mother to a greater degree. A short time during the middle of the day may be best for the first few times you leave your child.
In any case, it is a good idea for parents to get out now and then, and it benefits the child to spend time with a caring adult other than the parent. Keep in mind, however, that toddlers may behave indifferently or negatively toward parents when they return after an absence in order to “punish” them for leaving. An appropriate response to this behavior might be to say, “I missed you, and I’m happy to see you!” The more confidence you exude about the situation, the more likely the child will be to come to accept that you go out on occasion without him.
Preschoolers
In normal situations, preschoolers will tolerate babysitters who are familiar to them and who are familiar with their routines. When under stress, such as with the introduction of a new babysitter, the child may fuss a bit or may use various stalling techniques such as asking for extra stories at bedtime or dawdling at meals or when getting dressed. But given a little time, babysitters can develop a relationship with the child that enables him to see the sitter as an acceptable substitute parent. Even with preschoolers, it is a good idea to continue to use some version of the leave-taking routine established earlier (unless the preschooler has become so cavalier as to no longer need such reassurances).
Elementary Age
By the time a child reaches elementary school, he is able to control his wants, desires, impulses, and feelings, and his life no longer revolves around getting his needs met. He can enjoy a variety of people and experiences, and he can conform to behavioral expectations and rules of the sitter. Having sitters can test a school-age child’s independence in positive ways, and parents should not hesitate to leave their child in the care of a competent, caring sitter.
Middle School
Older middle school children can be safely left at home alone for short periods of time. But if both parents work, it is better for the middle school age child not to come home every day to an empty house. Hiring a high school student to come and “hang out” with your tween can be a good compromise between hiring a “baby sitter,” which can be demeaning to the tween, and allowing him to be home alone every day.
High School
While the teen can safely stay at home on his own, there should be rules set up regarding what is okay and what is not when the parent is away from home. Are friends allowed over? Does the teen have to seek permission before having a friend over? Does the parent of the visitor need to be informed about where he is and that there is no adult supervision? What tasks must the teen perform after school? Homework? Chores? What is the policy on playing video games or on watching TV?
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Audience
It was brought to my attention by an early reader of this blog that I should make clear who my target audience is. While I would like to think that my posts are aimed at all parents, it is unreasonable of me to expect to appeal to everyone. I think that while all families have commonalities, each family is different and has different needs and challenges. So, if what I am offering resonates with you, then keep reading. If it doesn't, then seek another source of information and advice. Parenting literature and advice abounds, so you should have no trouble finding an author whose philosophy and style is a good match for you.
One thing that I will admit is that parents of children with special needs may find my advice less helpful than parents of children with more mainstream issues. These parents may benefit from reading books and articles aimed more specifically at meeting their needs. Also, parents living in poverty may be unable to parent the way they would like due to their circumstances. These parents may need to seek the advice of someone who is more well versed in parenting children in this situation. But, because all families, regardless of circumstances, share many challenges, I am hopeful that this blog will be part of the reading of parents in a wide variety of situations.
So, while I will do my best to consider a variety of families and children when writing my posts, I will undoubtedly fall short at times. Please give me the benefit of the doubt and assume that I am trying my best to write about universal parenting issues and to take into consideration a variety of parenting circumstances. If I need to consider other points of view, please don't hesitate to comment on my posts. I will do my best to respond to all comments and to take them into consideration in future posts. All I can do is to do the best I can, and that is what I will try to do.
One thing that I will admit is that parents of children with special needs may find my advice less helpful than parents of children with more mainstream issues. These parents may benefit from reading books and articles aimed more specifically at meeting their needs. Also, parents living in poverty may be unable to parent the way they would like due to their circumstances. These parents may need to seek the advice of someone who is more well versed in parenting children in this situation. But, because all families, regardless of circumstances, share many challenges, I am hopeful that this blog will be part of the reading of parents in a wide variety of situations.
So, while I will do my best to consider a variety of families and children when writing my posts, I will undoubtedly fall short at times. Please give me the benefit of the doubt and assume that I am trying my best to write about universal parenting issues and to take into consideration a variety of parenting circumstances. If I need to consider other points of view, please don't hesitate to comment on my posts. I will do my best to respond to all comments and to take them into consideration in future posts. All I can do is to do the best I can, and that is what I will try to do.
Your Comments and Readership
It is my hope that reading this blog will, at minimum, stimulate thought on the part of my readers. I welcome your comments. Not only will I try to respond to each person's remarks, but I will also try to generate posts to meet my readers' needs. Please let me know what you are thinking. I value your input.
Also, if you find any of my posts useful and you know anyone who might enjoy or benefit from reading them, please pass along the link to the blog to them. I am relying largely on word of mouth to increase readership at this point.
Thank you in advance to my readers for helping me to get the word out.
Harriet
Also, if you find any of my posts useful and you know anyone who might enjoy or benefit from reading them, please pass along the link to the blog to them. I am relying largely on word of mouth to increase readership at this point.
Thank you in advance to my readers for helping me to get the word out.
Harriet
Attachment, Emotional Bonds, and Separation in Infancy
It almost goes without saying that is important to be attentive to your infant’s needs. When he cries, go and pick him up. Feed him if he’s hungry, change him if his diaper is wet or soiled, or cuddle him if that’s what he needs (or if that’s just what you feel like doing). Some of your most satisfying interactions with your new baby will involve holding him, feeding him, smiling at him, talking to him, singing to him, rocking him, and gazing into his eyes. You cannot spoil an infant. Hold him as much as he wants to be held. Carry him around with you as you do your chores if that’s what he prefers.
My daughter, Miriam, wanted to be held almost all of her waking hours, and, for the most part, I obliged. I put her in a front pack and went about my day's activities. Of course, I also spent time just communing with her. Unfortunately, I had developed a bad case of sciatica during my pregnancy with her, and carrying her was painful until I got on some high-powered anti-inflammatories when she was about 3 months of age.
All of this carrying around was part of the physical bonding that is so critical in infancy. Through touch, you convey your love for your child, and you allow “secure attachment” to occur. Secure attachment is the strong emotional bond between the infant and his caregiver. Secure attachment leads to healthy brain development as well as to healthy social and emotional development. Research shows that the brain is actually neurologically altered by the quality of the mother-child relationship. (Levine, 2006) Furthermore, a two-way attachment between parent and child is essential for the parent to successfully meet the child’s needs. (Hoghughi, 2004)
By holding your baby, you become more adept at reading his signals for food, stimulation, and snuggling. Studies show that holding the infant (up to age 3 months), even when he is content or asleep, can lead to less crying during the day. (Dodson, 1986) In addition, caregivers who are tuned in to and who respond quickly to their baby’s “pre-crying” behaviors such as whimpering, grimacing, or vocalizing, had babies who cried less. (Black, 1996)
In general, babies whose mothers respond predictably, consistently, and appropriately to their cues become attached earlier (between 1 and 4 months) than mothers who were less responsive. In addition, mothers whose babies were securely attached were able to maintain close physical contact while encouraging their baby’s explorations by not intruding on his play. These mothers had a sense of when their babies wanted to interact with them and when they wanted to be left alone. Securely attached infants exhibited more trust in their mother’s availability and progressed toward autonomous behaviors (such as crawling away from the mother) more easily. (Black, 1996)
How can you tell if your infant is becoming securely attached to you? If you have been consistently meeting your child’s needs over the first several months of his life, it is very likely that he is becoming attached (attachment is a process that happens over the entire first year of life). If your baby cries when you are not attending to him but he stops crying when he sees you, hears your voice, or feels your touch, he is demonstrating an attachment to you. It is also a good sign if your baby reacts to your coming and going during his first year of life. Reactions to your leaving can vary from restlessness to crying to a refusal to go to sleep. Reactions to your coming back will probably include happy signals such as vocalizing, waving arms and legs, and smiling. (Furman, 1987)
How do mothers develop a feeling of attachment to their babies? It all begins with the mother carrying the baby for 9 months in her own body. If the baby is born vaginally, the hormone, oxytocin, is released and provides the mother with a strong feeling of well-being and reduced anxiety, which allows her to “fall in love” with her baby. Nursing preserves this bond with the baby and is usually pleasurable to both mother and baby. (Furman, 1987)
While the capacity to “mother” is enhanced by natural factors, much of mothering is learned simply by being with the baby, so if your baby was delivered via C-section, if you are not the biological mother, or if you have chosen to (or must) bottle feed, don’t worry, you will bond with your baby.
Even the biological mother may not feel immediately attached to her baby. Over 50% of mothers do not fall instantly “in love” with their babies. In addition, about 80% of mothers struggle with some post-partum depression, with first-time mothers more susceptible than mothers with older children. In most cases, post-partum depression resolves within 4 to 6 weeks without interventions. If it goes on longer or it becomes debilitating, then outside help should be sought.
In any case, it may take 4 to 6 weeks to develop maternal feelings for a newborn. (Black, 1996) Babies do their part in making themselves loveable, however. Infants who are appropriately cared for actively seek positive attention from their mothers through making eye contact, which they can do within days of being born, waving their arms and legs, cooing and other vocalizing, and smiling. (Hoghughi, 2004) Babies who are better at engaging their caregivers get more attention than those who are less demonstrative. The baby’s and the mother’s interactions tend to be mutually satisfying.
Once you and your baby get to know each other (through lots of physical, skin-on-skin closeness, which releases oxytocin and cortisol, the anti-stress hormone) and time together not “doing” anything (Bogels, 2014), you will be able to better read his various cries, and you will be better able to give him exactly what he needs when he needs it. It is important not to respond to all cries with feeding because if you do, then the child will associate comfort of all emotions with food. So, don’t just assume that his cry means hunger. Use common sense and good judgment. (Furman, 1987)
It is important to note that while most mothers usually feel intense love for their babies, the mother will not find joy in every minute with her child. There are times when she is exhausted or when the baby has symptoms of colic and she needs a break. This does not mean that she is a “bad” mother. It just means that she’s reached her capacity and needs help. This is where secondary caregivers can be extremely helpful. (Furman, 1987)
If the baby is going through a difficult phase or if the mother has become exhausted, perhaps the father can come home early for a few days to help out. Maybe a teen from the neighborhood can be hired for a few hours after school to entertain the baby while the mother takes a nap or goes for a walk. Perhaps the child’s grandmother or one of his aunts can take the baby for a few hours here or there. There are any number of scenarios in which the mother can get some help, and she should not hesitate to do so.
The emotional bonds that you form with your baby will enable your child to assert his independence more easily. He knows that you’ll always be there, so he can explore his environment with that assurance in mind. As a crawling baby, he’ll likely crawl back to you every now and then to reassure himself that you’re still there. As a toddler, he’ll toddle back to you from time to time. This going away and coming back will eventually allow him to be dropped off at daycare or preschool with your assurance that you will come back to pick him up “after nap,” or “after lunch,” or at whatever time you plan in advance.
Usually, strong attachment allows the child to separate from the parent. Sometimes, however, a securely attached child wants to separate but finds it difficult to do so. My daughter, Miriam, wanted to go to “school” like her older sister, Esther, did. Esther was about four years old and enrolled in preschool, and Miriam was about two. I found a nice daycare that she could go to and signed her up for three mornings a week. Every day, she’d happily get ready to go to “school.” She and I would drop Esther off at preschool, and then I’d take Miriam to daycare. Once we arrived, she’d hop right out of the car and enter the building readily, but when it was time for me to leave, she’d dissolve into tears. It was painful to witness, but if I brought her home, she’d be sad to have missed out on the day’s fun. So the teacher and I came up with a way to make separating easier for her. We ritualized the “leave taking.” Every day, I’d say, “Okay, Miriam, I’m going to go now, and I’ll be back to pick you up at lunchtime. Bye-bye!” Then, I’d leave. The teacher would bring Miriam to one of the windows overlooking the parking lot, and Miriam would wave to me, and I’d wave back, smiling all the while. Then I’d get in my car and go. By doing this every day, Miriam gradually became able to separate from me without tears. It took creativity on the teacher’s part and patience on mine, but Miriam was able to be more independent in the end.
The early bonds that you make with your child are likely to last a lifetime. There will be times when he is in his tweens or teens that you will wonder what happened to those bonds, but be assured that they are still there, albeit hidden for the time being. I have a friend who battled mightily with her daughter throughout her daughter’s tweens and teens. They now live next door to one another, and my friend’s daughter has a son and daughter of her own. She is very close with her mother and tells me how much she respects and appreciates all that her mother did and taught her when she was growing up.
___________________________
References
Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.
Bogels, S. and Restifo, K. (2014). Mindful Parenting: A Guide for Mental Health Practitioners. NY: Springer.
Dodson, F. and Alexander, A. (1986) Your Child: Birth to Age Six. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.
Hoghughi, M. and Long, N. (2004). Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.
Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.
My daughter, Miriam, wanted to be held almost all of her waking hours, and, for the most part, I obliged. I put her in a front pack and went about my day's activities. Of course, I also spent time just communing with her. Unfortunately, I had developed a bad case of sciatica during my pregnancy with her, and carrying her was painful until I got on some high-powered anti-inflammatories when she was about 3 months of age.
All of this carrying around was part of the physical bonding that is so critical in infancy. Through touch, you convey your love for your child, and you allow “secure attachment” to occur. Secure attachment is the strong emotional bond between the infant and his caregiver. Secure attachment leads to healthy brain development as well as to healthy social and emotional development. Research shows that the brain is actually neurologically altered by the quality of the mother-child relationship. (Levine, 2006) Furthermore, a two-way attachment between parent and child is essential for the parent to successfully meet the child’s needs. (Hoghughi, 2004)
By holding your baby, you become more adept at reading his signals for food, stimulation, and snuggling. Studies show that holding the infant (up to age 3 months), even when he is content or asleep, can lead to less crying during the day. (Dodson, 1986) In addition, caregivers who are tuned in to and who respond quickly to their baby’s “pre-crying” behaviors such as whimpering, grimacing, or vocalizing, had babies who cried less. (Black, 1996)
In general, babies whose mothers respond predictably, consistently, and appropriately to their cues become attached earlier (between 1 and 4 months) than mothers who were less responsive. In addition, mothers whose babies were securely attached were able to maintain close physical contact while encouraging their baby’s explorations by not intruding on his play. These mothers had a sense of when their babies wanted to interact with them and when they wanted to be left alone. Securely attached infants exhibited more trust in their mother’s availability and progressed toward autonomous behaviors (such as crawling away from the mother) more easily. (Black, 1996)
How can you tell if your infant is becoming securely attached to you? If you have been consistently meeting your child’s needs over the first several months of his life, it is very likely that he is becoming attached (attachment is a process that happens over the entire first year of life). If your baby cries when you are not attending to him but he stops crying when he sees you, hears your voice, or feels your touch, he is demonstrating an attachment to you. It is also a good sign if your baby reacts to your coming and going during his first year of life. Reactions to your leaving can vary from restlessness to crying to a refusal to go to sleep. Reactions to your coming back will probably include happy signals such as vocalizing, waving arms and legs, and smiling. (Furman, 1987)
How do mothers develop a feeling of attachment to their babies? It all begins with the mother carrying the baby for 9 months in her own body. If the baby is born vaginally, the hormone, oxytocin, is released and provides the mother with a strong feeling of well-being and reduced anxiety, which allows her to “fall in love” with her baby. Nursing preserves this bond with the baby and is usually pleasurable to both mother and baby. (Furman, 1987)
While the capacity to “mother” is enhanced by natural factors, much of mothering is learned simply by being with the baby, so if your baby was delivered via C-section, if you are not the biological mother, or if you have chosen to (or must) bottle feed, don’t worry, you will bond with your baby.
Even the biological mother may not feel immediately attached to her baby. Over 50% of mothers do not fall instantly “in love” with their babies. In addition, about 80% of mothers struggle with some post-partum depression, with first-time mothers more susceptible than mothers with older children. In most cases, post-partum depression resolves within 4 to 6 weeks without interventions. If it goes on longer or it becomes debilitating, then outside help should be sought.
In any case, it may take 4 to 6 weeks to develop maternal feelings for a newborn. (Black, 1996) Babies do their part in making themselves loveable, however. Infants who are appropriately cared for actively seek positive attention from their mothers through making eye contact, which they can do within days of being born, waving their arms and legs, cooing and other vocalizing, and smiling. (Hoghughi, 2004) Babies who are better at engaging their caregivers get more attention than those who are less demonstrative. The baby’s and the mother’s interactions tend to be mutually satisfying.
Once you and your baby get to know each other (through lots of physical, skin-on-skin closeness, which releases oxytocin and cortisol, the anti-stress hormone) and time together not “doing” anything (Bogels, 2014), you will be able to better read his various cries, and you will be better able to give him exactly what he needs when he needs it. It is important not to respond to all cries with feeding because if you do, then the child will associate comfort of all emotions with food. So, don’t just assume that his cry means hunger. Use common sense and good judgment. (Furman, 1987)
It is important to note that while most mothers usually feel intense love for their babies, the mother will not find joy in every minute with her child. There are times when she is exhausted or when the baby has symptoms of colic and she needs a break. This does not mean that she is a “bad” mother. It just means that she’s reached her capacity and needs help. This is where secondary caregivers can be extremely helpful. (Furman, 1987)
If the baby is going through a difficult phase or if the mother has become exhausted, perhaps the father can come home early for a few days to help out. Maybe a teen from the neighborhood can be hired for a few hours after school to entertain the baby while the mother takes a nap or goes for a walk. Perhaps the child’s grandmother or one of his aunts can take the baby for a few hours here or there. There are any number of scenarios in which the mother can get some help, and she should not hesitate to do so.
The emotional bonds that you form with your baby will enable your child to assert his independence more easily. He knows that you’ll always be there, so he can explore his environment with that assurance in mind. As a crawling baby, he’ll likely crawl back to you every now and then to reassure himself that you’re still there. As a toddler, he’ll toddle back to you from time to time. This going away and coming back will eventually allow him to be dropped off at daycare or preschool with your assurance that you will come back to pick him up “after nap,” or “after lunch,” or at whatever time you plan in advance.
Usually, strong attachment allows the child to separate from the parent. Sometimes, however, a securely attached child wants to separate but finds it difficult to do so. My daughter, Miriam, wanted to go to “school” like her older sister, Esther, did. Esther was about four years old and enrolled in preschool, and Miriam was about two. I found a nice daycare that she could go to and signed her up for three mornings a week. Every day, she’d happily get ready to go to “school.” She and I would drop Esther off at preschool, and then I’d take Miriam to daycare. Once we arrived, she’d hop right out of the car and enter the building readily, but when it was time for me to leave, she’d dissolve into tears. It was painful to witness, but if I brought her home, she’d be sad to have missed out on the day’s fun. So the teacher and I came up with a way to make separating easier for her. We ritualized the “leave taking.” Every day, I’d say, “Okay, Miriam, I’m going to go now, and I’ll be back to pick you up at lunchtime. Bye-bye!” Then, I’d leave. The teacher would bring Miriam to one of the windows overlooking the parking lot, and Miriam would wave to me, and I’d wave back, smiling all the while. Then I’d get in my car and go. By doing this every day, Miriam gradually became able to separate from me without tears. It took creativity on the teacher’s part and patience on mine, but Miriam was able to be more independent in the end.
The early bonds that you make with your child are likely to last a lifetime. There will be times when he is in his tweens or teens that you will wonder what happened to those bonds, but be assured that they are still there, albeit hidden for the time being. I have a friend who battled mightily with her daughter throughout her daughter’s tweens and teens. They now live next door to one another, and my friend’s daughter has a son and daughter of her own. She is very close with her mother and tells me how much she respects and appreciates all that her mother did and taught her when she was growing up.
___________________________
References
Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.
Bogels, S. and Restifo, K. (2014). Mindful Parenting: A Guide for Mental Health Practitioners. NY: Springer.
Dodson, F. and Alexander, A. (1986) Your Child: Birth to Age Six. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.
Hoghughi, M. and Long, N. (2004). Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.
Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Spanking and Yelling Don't Promote Self-Discipline in Children
There is little evidence that either spanking or yelling is a long-term deterrent to misbehavior or that it promotes self-discipline. In general, spanking and yelling represent a failure on the part of the parent to manage her own anger, to plan ahead for her child’s success, to guide the child toward appropriate behavior, or to teach the child how to behave more appropriately.
Physical punishment and yelling make the child feel small and helpless and can be damaging to self-esteem. These two actions on the part of the parent may create resentment, may interfere with the parent-child bond, and model the use of aggression to solve problems. If you make the mistake of spanking or yelling, apologize to the child, explain why it happened, and resolve to do better in the future.
This is not to say that you will never become angry with your children. You will. This is only natural. And rather than bottle up this anger and have it burst out in the form of hitting or yelling, it is better to express it, as calmly as possible, in words. When my children were young and I became angry with them, I would say, “If I were a spanking mom, I’d spank the living daylights out of you right now!” That gave them the clear understanding that I was very angry with them, and they usually altered their behavior accordingly.
In addition to expressing your anger verbally when your children misbehave, you should look to yourself to determine whether or not circumstances have been a contributing factor in your child’s misbehavior. In order to do this, when your child misbehaves, you should ask yourself the following questions:
• Are my expectations for the child’s behavior reasonable given the child’s age/stage of development?
• Have I listened carefully to my child’s feelings and motivations?
• Have I phrased instructions/rules as “dos” rather than “don’ts”?
• Have I enforced the rules consistently in the past?
• Is the environment supportive of appropriate behavior?
• Have I fully explained the both what is expected as well as the consequences of misbehavior?
• Is the consequence for misbehavior that I describe either natural or logical?
If the answer to any of the above questions is “no,” then you must take some responsibility for your child’s inappropriate behavior. In the future, you should make sure that you have set up the environment such that the child is likely to be able to behave appropriately and that your expectations for his behavior are reasonable and clear. You should also try to understand what led to your child’s misbehavior. In addition, you should make sure that the consequence of misbehavior has been understood by the child, and that the consequence is either natural or logical, and that the consequence is commensurate with the misbehavior.
No matter how you decide to respond to your child’s misbehavior, you should aim to stop the misbehavior before you become so angry that you feel the need to either yell or hit, both of which are frightening and potentially harmful to the child. The goal is to develop a full repertoire of parenting skills so that you will be less likely to respond to your child’s misbehavior in an un-tempered way.
Physical punishment and yelling make the child feel small and helpless and can be damaging to self-esteem. These two actions on the part of the parent may create resentment, may interfere with the parent-child bond, and model the use of aggression to solve problems. If you make the mistake of spanking or yelling, apologize to the child, explain why it happened, and resolve to do better in the future.
This is not to say that you will never become angry with your children. You will. This is only natural. And rather than bottle up this anger and have it burst out in the form of hitting or yelling, it is better to express it, as calmly as possible, in words. When my children were young and I became angry with them, I would say, “If I were a spanking mom, I’d spank the living daylights out of you right now!” That gave them the clear understanding that I was very angry with them, and they usually altered their behavior accordingly.
In addition to expressing your anger verbally when your children misbehave, you should look to yourself to determine whether or not circumstances have been a contributing factor in your child’s misbehavior. In order to do this, when your child misbehaves, you should ask yourself the following questions:
• Are my expectations for the child’s behavior reasonable given the child’s age/stage of development?
• Have I listened carefully to my child’s feelings and motivations?
• Have I phrased instructions/rules as “dos” rather than “don’ts”?
• Have I enforced the rules consistently in the past?
• Is the environment supportive of appropriate behavior?
• Have I fully explained the both what is expected as well as the consequences of misbehavior?
• Is the consequence for misbehavior that I describe either natural or logical?
If the answer to any of the above questions is “no,” then you must take some responsibility for your child’s inappropriate behavior. In the future, you should make sure that you have set up the environment such that the child is likely to be able to behave appropriately and that your expectations for his behavior are reasonable and clear. You should also try to understand what led to your child’s misbehavior. In addition, you should make sure that the consequence of misbehavior has been understood by the child, and that the consequence is either natural or logical, and that the consequence is commensurate with the misbehavior.
No matter how you decide to respond to your child’s misbehavior, you should aim to stop the misbehavior before you become so angry that you feel the need to either yell or hit, both of which are frightening and potentially harmful to the child. The goal is to develop a full repertoire of parenting skills so that you will be less likely to respond to your child’s misbehavior in an un-tempered way.
Timeout: The All-Purpose Consequence
Timeout is a time-honored consequence that works well with preschoolers through about second graders (and sometimes with toddlers, depending on their level of maturity). There are various ways to implement it, but the way I used it was as follows:
1. The warning. In a matter-of-fact tone of voice, lay out the rule and the consequence (“If you continue to make loud noises while I am on the phone, you will have to have a timeout.”)
2. If they keep misbehaving, use a matter-of-fact tone of voice and say something like, “I’m going to count to three, and if you don’t stop, you’ll have to go to timeout. One . . . two . . . three . . . Okay, it sounds as though you have chosen to have a timeout.”
3. Send them to timeout. “Go to timeout, and I’ll set the timer. Once the timer goes off, your timeout will be over.”
4. Set the timer. My rule of thumb was that the timer is set for one minute for each year of the child’s age.
5. Wait out the timeout. Do not talk to the child or pay any attention to him while he is in timeout. This is so that he gets no reinforcement for his misbehavior (any sort of attention, even negative attention, serves to reinforce the behavior in children). If the child leaves timeout early, then send him back and reset the timer for the original timeout amount of time. Let your child know that if he doesn’t stay where he is and sit quietly, you will have to reset the timer. In extreme cases, you may have to have the child sit on your lap (facing away from you) while you hug him during his timeout.
6. After the timeout. Have the child tell you why he was in timeout. “Tell me why you had to go to timeout.” Then, forget about it and move on.
As far as where to send the child for timeout, it needs to be the most boring place you can send him where he will be safe while away from your direct supervision. I used the bottom step of the stairway, as it was out of the way and quiet. Some people use a chair facing the corner of the room and call it “the naughty corner.”
If you’re away from home when your child needs a timeout it can be done almost anywhere. If I were near my car, we’d go to the car for the timeout. If I were driving when the timeout was needed, I’d pull over into a parking lot and wait it out there. If we were in the middle of a department store, I’d find a chair in or near a dressing room and use that. Be as creative as you can, but don’t threaten a timeout if you can’t follow through with it.
1. The warning. In a matter-of-fact tone of voice, lay out the rule and the consequence (“If you continue to make loud noises while I am on the phone, you will have to have a timeout.”)
2. If they keep misbehaving, use a matter-of-fact tone of voice and say something like, “I’m going to count to three, and if you don’t stop, you’ll have to go to timeout. One . . . two . . . three . . . Okay, it sounds as though you have chosen to have a timeout.”
3. Send them to timeout. “Go to timeout, and I’ll set the timer. Once the timer goes off, your timeout will be over.”
4. Set the timer. My rule of thumb was that the timer is set for one minute for each year of the child’s age.
5. Wait out the timeout. Do not talk to the child or pay any attention to him while he is in timeout. This is so that he gets no reinforcement for his misbehavior (any sort of attention, even negative attention, serves to reinforce the behavior in children). If the child leaves timeout early, then send him back and reset the timer for the original timeout amount of time. Let your child know that if he doesn’t stay where he is and sit quietly, you will have to reset the timer. In extreme cases, you may have to have the child sit on your lap (facing away from you) while you hug him during his timeout.
6. After the timeout. Have the child tell you why he was in timeout. “Tell me why you had to go to timeout.” Then, forget about it and move on.
As far as where to send the child for timeout, it needs to be the most boring place you can send him where he will be safe while away from your direct supervision. I used the bottom step of the stairway, as it was out of the way and quiet. Some people use a chair facing the corner of the room and call it “the naughty corner.”
If you’re away from home when your child needs a timeout it can be done almost anywhere. If I were near my car, we’d go to the car for the timeout. If I were driving when the timeout was needed, I’d pull over into a parking lot and wait it out there. If we were in the middle of a department store, I’d find a chair in or near a dressing room and use that. Be as creative as you can, but don’t threaten a timeout if you can’t follow through with it.
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