No matter how hectic life gets, the Prudent Parent recognizes that it is important to maintain as much balance in her life as possible given her circumstances.
First of all, you need to understand that you do not need to entertain your child and enrich his life 100% of his waking hours. You need to have a life beyond fulfilling the role of “mother.” Maybe you want to “live for” your child and you see nothing wrong with that. That may be all well and good for a relatively short period of time when your child is an infant and you are busy all day long with on-demand feeding, changing diapers, and interacting with your baby. This level of attention cannot (and probably should not) be maintained, however.
This does not mean that you should ignore your baby. It just means that when he is content, let him sit in his baby seat and watch you go about your chores from time to time. Provide him with a few toys to look at, chew on, and manipulate. Let him rely on his on resources for entertainment for short periods of time. As he gets a little older, having supervised time to play on his own is important for his need to have a life independent of others.
Once your baby is a few weeks old, try to carve out an hour or so a day for yourself. Enlist a family member's aid to watch your baby while you go out for a run, take a long, hot shower, or read a book. Or team up with another mother and watch her child and yours while she gets out for a walk and then switch roles. At least you’ll be able to get out and get some fresh air, which will often give you a little more perspective on that colicky baby.
After your baby (and older children if you have them) are in bed at night, spend some time communing with your spouse. By the end of the day, it is likely that you need some adult interaction, and it is in everyone’s best interest for the parents to nurture a healthy relationship. So, put off doing the laundry until tomorrow and have a glass of wine and some conversation before you collapse into bed yourself.
Once you are past the 3-month point with your baby, you can more easily resume an interest of your own. Perhaps there’s an exercise class you want to take, or maybe you want to learn to knit. Some classes meet at night, and if your spouse can take over the childcare responsibility while you are in class, so much the better for him, for the baby, and for you. When Esther was an infant, I was in graduate school. I remember lying on the floor studying while she jumped happily in her “Johnny Jump Up” next to me. Prior to having children, I thought I needed large chunks of quiet time in which to study. But once Esther was born, I learned that I could do it in fits and starts and was able to work around her schedule throughout the day.
By the time Miriam came along (and Esther was about 2 years old), it became more difficult to find time for myself, but I did it. I tried various things, but the best idea I had was to hire two sisters from across the street (a tween and a young teen) to come over to the house and play with Esther and Miriam while I worked in my office or while I went for a bike ride with a neighbor. It was fun for my daughters to have two enthusiastic playmates, and it was great for my well-being to get in some writing time or to go for a bike ride and spend time with a friend.
These stories are to let you know that there are benefits to both you and to your children of you having a life that is not 100% focused on them. You will enjoy your children more, gain perspective on the difficulties that are inherent in parenting, and your children will develop more independence. Furthermore, they will see their mother doing things other than mothering, and that will expand their understanding of what a “mom” can be. And that’s good for everyone.
If you are employed outside of the home, your life may be even more hectic than that of the stay-at-home (or work-from-home) mom. Your attempt to balance professional, family, and personal obligations may be even more of a struggle. But it remains important both for you and for your child for you to work hard at living a balanced life.
One thing that many people do not think about is that if, in a two-parent family, both parents are working, it may be financially possible to hire some help. This does not have to mean hiring a full-time nanny. All you may need is a high school student to look after the children in your home from the time school gets out until you get home in the evening. Or it might make sense to hire an adult who would do the same but who would also make dinner for the family. Or, you could do as we did for a couple of years and employ an au pair--a girl from a foreign country who lives in for a year and who does childcare and light housekeeping while she improves her English and takes a class or two at a local college.
We had two au pairs during the time that my husband was running a business and I was starting a private school and attending graduate school. My husband and I were completely overloaded with the demands of our professional responsibilities, raising two young children, and keeping up with cooking and housework. We knew that we needed help, and we could afford it. So we hired someone to clean the house part-time, and we had au pairs for two years. After that, we hired our former cleaning woman to expand her duties to include driving our kids to and from school, shopping, cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. That way, we were able to be at our daughters’ swim meets, attend school events, drive on field trips, etc. And thus, we were able to balance work, family, and personal lives.
Clearly, everyone is not in a position to afford help in the house. In that case, you do the best you can. You get organized, you rely on help with chores from other family members (which promotes responsibility), you say “no” to things that you cannot fit into your schedule (or your child’s schedule), and you focus on what’s important. But remember, you are part of what's important.
The Prudent Parent recognizes that overly focusing on the parenting role can lead to the loss of self-identity beyond that of “parent,” the loss of the relationship with one’s partner, and the over-investment in the lives of the children (doing too much for them). In order to avoid these pitfalls, it is important for parents to carve out private time in which to relax, to maintain social connections beyond the family, to develop interests outside the family, and to pursue activities that contribute to their identity as adults beyond the role of “parent.”
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