Praise, on the other hand, if over-used, can backfire in several important ways. First, if praise is handed out for every accomplishment, no matter how trivial, then the child may develop an unrealistic sense of self. Once the child has completed preschool, praise should be reserved for hard work, demonstrations of good moral character, and for real achievement. If handed out too liberally, praise may be perceived by the child as disingenuous. After about age five, children recognize when praise that they receive is unwarranted, and they may discount further parental praise. In order to be perceived by the child as “real,” praise must honest and balanced with disapproval of hurtful behavior and lack of effort. It is through parental approval and disapproval that the child develops a realistic sense of self. (“All of your studying really paid off, didn’t it? Congratulations on bringing your grade up!” “It was very hurtful of you not to include Adam when you invited friends to go to the water park.”)
Second, if parents only praise, then the child can develop an inflated sense of his own abilities and self-worth. Some parents do this with the idea that they are building the child’s self-esteem, but by over-praising, the child’s sense of self-esteem becomes unrealistically high, and when he gets into situations in which he is being compared with others (school, sports competitions, etc.), he will inevitably fall short at times, and the pain of realizing that he is not the most talented, the most athletic, or the most academically capable will be greater.
Third, excessive praise can damage self-esteem in less direct ways. If we excessively praise children’s accomplishments in one area, it may dampen their enthusiasm for trying new things. For example, if parents over-praise their ten-year-old for his success in swimming, he may not be willing to try a new sport because he feels that it is “too late” because he has already invested “too much” time and energy in swimming, which he may or may not want to continue to do. Also, if we praise accomplishments excessively in one particular area or we insist that our child stick with something that he no longer enjoys just because he is good at it, we suggest that our love is conditional on performance. In order to foster healthy self-esteem, our love must be perceived as unconditional. (Levine, 2006)
There are many advantages of encouragement over praise.
1. Encouragement demonstrates acceptance. If the parent says, “You seem to enjoy painting,” rather than, “You are the best painter,” the child perceives, “I can try something new,” rather than, “I am better than others.”
2. Encouragement recognizes effort and improvement. If the parent says, “You really made a lot of progress on your spelling this week,” rather than, “Look at your spelling test grade; you’re a great speller,” the child perceives, “I don’t have to be perfect; my effort and improvement are important,” rather than, “I am the best speller in my class.”
3. Encouragement demonstrates confidence. If the parent says, “I’m sure that you’ll swim well today,” rather than, “I think you’re going to win the race today,” the child perceives, “Someone believes in me,” rather than, “My parents only care about me if I am the best.”
4. Encouragement demonstrates appreciation. If the parent says, “Thank you for setting the table,” rather than, “You are much more helpful than your sister,” the child perceives, “My contribution is appreciated,” rather than, “I am better than my sister.”
5. Encouragement demonstrates faith in the child. If the parent says, “I trust that you will be responsible for completing your homework,” rather than, “Finish your homework so that your teacher will be happy with you,” the child perceives, “Someone has confidence in me,” rather than, “I have to please both my parents and my teacher in order to be loved.”
If parents can manage to focus on encouragement rather than praise, children will feel accepted as they are; they will have the courage to try new things; they will be willing to develop their abilities in multiple areas; and, they will be able to withstand coming out on the losing side of comparisons. Praising effort, real accomplishment, and demonstrations of moral character provides the kind of feedback that gives children a realistic sense of self, which, in the long run, is far better than an leading them to develop an inflated opinion of themselves.
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References
Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected, Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.
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