Independence has many components. These include managing self-care and developing self-confidence, self-discipline, decision-making, and problem-solving skills. It involves one’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth. It is believed that development of all of these “inner helpers” has more to do with environment (including parenting) than do the “developing functions” of walking and talking, for example, which have a more genetic basis. (Furman, 1987)
Becoming independent doesn’t happen overnight. It takes many years to develop the kind of independence that will enable your child to navigate the world with less and less direct supervision from you as he enters school, progresses toward adolescence, and then launches as a young adult.
Promoting independence involves providing opportunities for increasing levels of autonomy throughout the childhood years. This involves allowing children to direct their own activities rather than constantly attempting to determine how they will interact with the world. For example, young children should orchestrate their own play as much as possible when they are alone and when they are with other children. When playing with your child, let him take the lead in determining what and how to play. For example, if your child is building with blocks, don’t be tempted to suggest that he build a castle, for example. Ask him what he is building, and then play along. When he is playing with other children, stay out of the way of their play and let them figure out what to do on their own. Also, let them resolve the inevitable conflicts that will arise, intervening only if their “solutions” become physical.
In order to know level of autonomy to expect at each stage of development, it is beneficial to have an idea of what kinds of behaviors can be expected at each stage. There are many good books on child development out there, so you can consult one of them to provide this kind of information (I will be summarizing some of that literature in future blog posts). What is important for your child’s success is for you to expect neither too much from him nor too little. Excessive supervision and doing too much for your child inhibits his ability to become self-reliant and self-confident. Doing too little exposes him to excessive frustration and interferes with the development of trust in others. Aim for allowing your child to do the maximum amount for himself that is safe and reasonable in any given situation at each stage of development.
Another factor in determining what is appropriate is what your common sense tells you. Children two generations or more ago were allowed much more freedom than they are in the present day. And, as a result, those children became more independent at younger ages. For example, when I was a kid in the 1960s and 1970s, by elementary school, we were playing in the neighborhood unsupervised. The only rule was that we had to be home by dark. By age twelve, I had a summer job to which I commuted on my bike several miles each way. When my husband was growing up in Queens, New York, by middle school, he was allowed to ride the subway into Manhattan with a friend to spend the day. Now, these activities would be widely frowned upon by the general public. Why is this? Is the world a more dangerous place now than it was in the 1960s and 1970s?
In actuality, the world is just as safe for children as it was then, but the 24/7 media coverage of rarely-occurring events such as stranger abductions has frightened parents into keeping their children virtually under lock and key. While I advocate a loosening of the reins to some degree in that I think that allowing your elementary-aged child to play unsupervised in the cul-de-sac is completely fine as is letting your child ride his bike to the swimming pool or the tennis court in the neighborhood, I cannot advise letting your 9-year-old ride the New York City subway system on his own. Not that I think that he is likely to be abducted, assaulted, or robbed, but it’s now not considered by most to be a good idea, and we can’t go back in time. So, we have to get used to new restrictions and find ways to teach independence to our children within these restrictions.
It is important to note that when promoting independence, it is possible for parents to go too far. Encouraging independence does not involve allowing the child to always get his way. If you do this, you run the risk of raising a tyrant rather than an independent and responsible child.
Infants
By about 3 months of age, the infant who can consistently depend on his primary caregiver to meet his physical, social, and emotional needs can learn to soothe himself under certain circumstances. After a comforting bedtime routine, for example, the baby should be put into his crib while still awake. Once the parent leaves the room, he may cry for a bit, but eventually, he’ll be able to soothe himself to sleep—sometimes by sucking on his thumb or fingers. Being able to self-soothe is an important step for the child, as it will eventually allow him to fall back to sleep if he awakens in the night. This puts him on a path toward increased autonomy.
In addition to thumb-sucking, in the latter part of the first year, the baby may start to use a special blanket, plush toy, or pacifier as a mother substitute (also known as a “transitional object”). The thumb is more reliable because it is always available, but the child may become attached to a transitional object if it is provided to him. In addition to soothing himself back to sleep, the better able the baby is to self-soothe in general, the better he will be able to accept an alternative caregiver. Accepting a babysitter is one way in which babies demonstrate growing independence.
Another way that the baby demonstrates an increasing level of autonomy is by entertaining himself. The fact that babies benefit from interacting with the adults in their lives does not mean that it is desirable for the baby to be entertained 100% of the time. It is important for the baby to have the opportunity to entertain himself. Provide him with toys in his crib, on the floor of his room, in his car seat, or on his highchair tray and let him play on his own within sight of you. He may only be able to sustain this for short periods of time, but if allowed to develop this ability, he will be able to play on his own in a supervised situation for increasing periods of time, and this is good for everyone—most especially, for the baby himself.
Toddlers
Toddlers attempt to assert their independence through their desire to do things for themselves (“Me do it!” “Do it myself!”). Encourage these early attempts at autonomy by imposing the minimum restrictions possible. Rather than constantly telling the toddler “no,” organize his environment such that he is allowed the maximum independence. This may involve designating one or two rooms as the baby’s rooms and putting up baby gates to keep him in the spaces that have been “baby-proofed.”
In addition, encourage the toddler to help get himself undressed and dressed, to feed himself, to clean up after himself, and to play on his own. Provide easy-on/easy-off clothes, food that is easy to eat, a face cloth to clean himself up after meals, and toys that sustain his attention. Praise his efforts and partial successes. Express confidence in his developing abilities, and demonstrate your admiration of his growing independence (“What a big boy! You did that all by yourself!”).
Preschoolers
Preschool-age children can do many things for themselves if parents allow them and expect them to do so. For example, preschoolers can get dressed on their own if their clothing is easy-on and easy-off. Also, if the parent provides a step-stool in the bathroom, the preschooler can wash his face and hands, brush his teeth (with assistance), and comb his hair. If the parent puts a child-sized table and chairs in the child’s room or play room, then the child can sit and draw or write on his own. Also, if the child’s room has low shelves and drawers, he can more easily access his toys and clothes and put away his toys when he is finished with them.
If you think that it is unreasonable for a preschooler to be expected to clean up after himself, just go and visit a well-run preschool classroom. I have visited Head Start classes and other preschool classrooms, and when the teacher sings the “clean up song” or otherwise indicates that it is time to clean up from “center time,” the children immediately put away the toys with which they have been playing. This is because they have been taught how to do so and because they are expected to do so.
It is important to note that stressful situations may cause preschoolers to revert to more dependent behaviors, and they should not be criticized in these situations. Moving, the arrival of a new baby, or another change in routine can lead to less independent behaviors. Arrival and departure times at preschool can also be problematic, but parents need to trust the preschool teacher and take their cues from her. Usually a quick “good-bye” is better than a prolonged leave-taking. Also, following a leave-taking routine can be helpful in this regard. When the preschooler does revert to more dependent behaviors, it is important not to criticize or ridicule the child. Encouragement of independence is more motivating than is criticism of dependence.
School-Age Children
The keys to independence in school-age children are trust, autonomy, and initiative. Ideally, trust and autonomy are developed in early childhood, and initiative is fueled by school attendance and participation in extra-curricular activities and through the undertaking of hobbies. Children of this age develop a sense of accomplishment by doing and producing things of meaning and value that will elicit the approval of others. When parents and teachers provide the child with opportunities for success, the child feels optimistic about acquiring new skills and abilities. This “achievement motivation” is encouraged by parental encouragement and praise. (Hoghughi, 2004)
Elementary-age children should be encouraged to put together their own lunches from acceptable alternatives provided by parents. They should be responsible for simple chores around the house. They should be in charge of completing homework assignments and for setting out all of their school things and equipment needed for after-school activities at night before going to bed. They should also be responsible for getting up to an alarm in the morning and for following a morning routine with assistance, as necessary, from the parent.
Adolescents
The teenage years are a quest for independence and autonomy that paves the way for separation from the family. (Pugh, 1994) Prudent Parents take every opportunity to encourage independence and responsibility in their teen. In every situation, the teen should be expected to do whatever he is capable of doing for himself. By increasing levels of responsibility gradually and in an age-appropriate manner, the Prudent Parent prepares the teen for times when she is not available to him.
Young Adults
It is critical for young adults to be fully prepared to launch once they have completed high school, post-high school training, college, or graduate school. In order for them to do that successfully in an ever-more demanding world, parents must start early. And by early, I mean in the early childhood years. It does children a great disservice to keep them dependent throughout their lives by “doing” for them at every opportunity and then expecting them suddenly to “do for themselves.”
It is frightening to hear of parents who are overly involved in the young adult’s life. There are stories in the press of parents who stay for a week when dropping off their teen at college. According to these stories, parents set up the college student’s dorm room, help him put together a class schedule by attending classes with him for a few days, and even meet with professors to “interview” them and to tell them about the teen’s learning needs. Even more distressing are reports that these parents move to the teen’s college town so that the teen can live at home and that parents go on job interviews with the college graduate.
While these stories represent extreme behaviors, it is important to understand that this sort of thing can happen if children are kept artificially dependent by well-meaning parents. In order to avoid creating a child who is not independent enough to go off to college on his own at the age of 18 and to handle his own job interviews at the age of 21, it is important to begin fostering independence in early childhood.
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References
Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.
Hoghughi, M. and Long, N. (2004). Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.
Pugh, G. and De'Ath, E. and Smith, C. (1994). Confident Parents, Confident Children: Policy and Practice in Parent Education and Support. London: National Children's Bureau.
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