In order to promote independence, the Prudent Parent gives children every opportunity to make decisions for themselves. Prudent Parents understand that it is critical for children to have practice in making small decisions early in life in order to make more important decisions later. The Prudent Parent knows that once the child becomes a young adult, the stakes will be much higher, and the child will have to make decisions in the absence of direct parental guidance.
When your child is a toddler, provide only a small number of alternatives. “Do you want to wear the blue pants or the red pants today?” “Do you want pancakes or toast with your breakfast?” “Would you like to play at Washington Park or McIntire Park?” "Would you like me to read Strega Nona or Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs?"
As your child gets older, he can make choices from among more options. The preschooler may be allowed to choose his clothes from a closet full of seasonally-appropriate clothes, his breakfast from among all of the available breakfast options, and his play at any available venue. The parent may need to provide guidance from time to time, however. For example, if your child chooses to wear cowboy boots without socks, he may be very uncomfortable by the end of the day, so you might make the suggestion that “Cowboy boots without socks might not be comfortable all day in school; let’s put some sneakers and socks in your backpack just in case.” This gives the child the opportunity to begin to experience the natural consequences of his decisions in a limited way that is age-appropriate.
Once he is in elementary school, the child should be included in purchasing decisions about his clothes (if he is interested in doing so), he should be able to choose what to wear from among all of his clothes, he should choose his own hobbies, and he should have significant input into his extra-curricular activities. When choosing what to wear, parents must resist the urge to treat the child as an extension of themselves and allow him to make fashion blunders. When my daughter, Miriam, was in elementary school, she had very interesting sense of what looked good on her--so interesting, in fact, that she sometimes drew questioning looks from other parents. While I would have rather she had chosen clothing combinations that were more pleasing to the eye, I felt it was more important to allow her to make decisions for herself. And I recognized that maintaining a sense of humor about the choices the child makes is good practice for the future.
By middle school, the child should be purchasing his own clothes (within a budget), choosing his own hair style, and pursuing his choice of activities. Tweens need to express their individuality, and they can begin to do so with their choice of clothing, accessories, and hair style. It is important for parents to allow for individual choice as long as it does not violate school policy or the parent’s sense of decency. And, if the tween decides to wear shorts in the winter (and you don’t live in a balmy climate) for example, he’ll suffer the natural consequences of his decision. That is, he’ll be cold. But this is his problem, not yours. One thing to make sure of is that you only offer a choice when whatever the child might choose is acceptable to you. Do not ask the question if you are not prepared to accept the answer.
Of course, if the child has been invited to a special event such as a wedding or if he must go to a funeral, his clothing must be appropriate for
the occasion, and the parent must have the final say in what is acceptable and what is not. This is true for children of all ages. But if the tween wants to wear black sneakers with his dress pants, compromise is generally a good idea, as no one will care as much as you do.
By high school, the child should be able to make good decisions (with gentle guidance from parents) about almost everything in his life including how to dress, what courses to take, what extra-curricular activities to pursue, what after-school job to take, and which colleges to apply to.
In teaching your child to make good decisions, it is a good idea is to instill in him the idea that it is usually best to maximize one’s choices. The more child can do to avoid shutting doors, the better. Once he reaches high school and college, this is more important than ever.
For example, if the teen practices his trumpet diligently, he will have the opportunity to choose to play in the concert band, the jazz band, or the orchestra. If he sticks with tennis lessons when he is in his tweens, he will be more likely to make the tennis team in high school. If he studies hard in his classes early in high school, he might be able to take a number of advanced placement (AP) classes later. If he takes several AP classes, he will be able to place out of certain introductory level classes in college. If he places out of the introductory level classes, he will be able to take more upper-level classes, which are often more satisfying. Also, if he maintains a high grade point average in high school, he will have a wider range of colleges from which to choose. If he maintains a high grade point average in college, he will have more graduate programs to choose from. The bottom line is, when making decisions, more choices are better than fewer choices.
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