The Art of Effective Praise (Part 2 of 4)

If you decide to use praise rather than only encouragement, consider that there is an art to effective praise.

1. Make sure that you have your child’s full attention by getting down to his level, moving close to him, and touching him;

2. Smile when you speak to him;

3. Be sure to give praise as soon after the behavior as possible; and,

4. Be sure to praise the behavior not the child. For example, you might say, “I like the way you held my hand when we crossed the street” rather than “What a good boy you are!”

To find opportunities to praise your child’s behavior, it is important to “catch your child being good” as often as you can. The Prudent Parent knows that a child who cannot count on positive attention from a parent who is often “tuned-out” will seek attention in negative ways. If you find yourself constantly telling your child what not to do rather than praising him for what he is doing right, you need to reexamine your approach. If you fail to do this, your child’s behavior is likely to worsen rather than improve.

While you cannot over-praise an infant or a toddler, with older children, it is important not to overdo it. If you get all excited about every little thing your older child does, even things that represent a mediocre effort, your child will begin to discount your praise as being meaningless. Praise things that are praiseworthy and mitigate the sting of being second best with a hopeful (and meaningful) alternative (“Yes, my cookies look very good. I’ve been making them for a long time. If you start practicing now, you’ll make cookies that you are happier with soon.”).

Another negative effect of false praise on children, especially on tweens and teens, is that they may end up with an unrealistic self-concept. This can lead to extreme disappointment and confusion when the tween/teen enters the real world and finds out that he just isn’t as talented, capable, or accomplished as he was led to believe.

Praise for real accomplishment however, is still appropriate as your child enters middle school, high school, and college. In order to find things that are truly praiseworthy, you may have to break an effort down into smaller parts. For example, “I know that you weren’t altogether happy with your performance, but the Allegro section of the piece was very good.” “I know that you were disappointed with the outcome of the race, but you swam really well in the last 25 meters.”