It is impossible, and inadvisable, to attempt to eliminate all sources of frustration in a child’s life. There is no need, however, to add frustrations in order to “toughen him up.” A child who is continually frustrated by not getting what he needs/wants will feel helpless and overwhelmed. Parents must seek, therefore, to reduce frustrations without eliminating them entirely. This balance will not be difficult to achieve because frustrations are all around us.
Children may respond to frustration with anger, which is only natural. They need adults to help them moderate their anger and channel it into purposeful activity that reduces frustration. For example, if the child cannot successfully built a block tower and he becomes frustrated, the parent may suggest an alternative activity that allows the child to vent his frustration, such as banging pegs into a hammer bench.
In addition to allowing children to experience limited frustration and to learn to deal with it, parents must also allow their children the latitude to fail from time to time. This may be very difficult for parents who may equate their child’s failure with their own, but children must learn to fail, to accept responsibility for their failures, and to recover from failures. Not allowing this does your child a huge disservice.
There is no doubt that many parents want their children not to have to struggle the way they did when they were growing up. This is a natural tendency. And it’s okay to make life easier for your child, but you are not doing him any favors if you eliminate all struggle. When a person does not work hard for something, he does not value it. One of the reasons that you value what you have now is that you earned it. You overcame certain obstacles to achieve it. Your child needs to have that experience. It needn’t be the same set of struggles that you encountered, but there needs to be some struggle. If not, the child may come to feel that he is an “imposter” and that he doesn’t deserve what he has because he did nothing to earn it.
The goal is to help the child become competent and sensible in dealing with life’s frustrations. In other words, we must teach him not to give up too easily or to persevere long after it is clear that the goal is unattainable. The ability to cope with life’s frustrations rationally and calmly is a step on the road to independence.
Infants
Infants have a very low tolerance for frustration, and parents need to respond quickly to their needs. To an infant, “not now” is the same as “never.” By about 3 months, however, the baby will be able to find his thumb or finger, and he will be able to tolerate a little lag between the time that he “calls” for mother and when she arrives. Also, if the infant cannot immediately reach a toy that he wants, he will be mildly frustrated, and this is okay. Eventually that frustration will lead him to crawl to retrieve the toy. But parents should be ready to step in and make the toy available to the child before the frustration becomes too much for him to bear.
Toddlers
Toddlers have a low tolerance for frustration as well. Even if they are motivated to do something for themselves, such as dress or undress, their clothes still need to be easy to get on and off for them to maintain this motivation. Parents must actively manage frustrations for toddlers by planning ahead to minimize frustrations or by doing a somewhat difficult task with the child to bolster his early attempts at performing challenging tasks. Gradually, the support system can be removed and the child will be able to do the task for himself.
For the toddler, many frustrations are caused by the parent in an effort to keep the toddler safe. In these cases, parents must hold their ground, even in the face of a toddler’s rage. Once the toddler has calmed down, then the parent can explain, in simple language, the reason for the prohibition (“I can’t let you climb on chairs because it’s not safe”). Limitations are better tolerated when substitutes are offered (“You can’t climb on the chair to reach the counter, but I will help you climb up on the step stool.”) or when gratification is slightly delayed (“You may not paint now because I can’t help you with it, but you’ll be able to paint after lunch when I have to time to set up your easel.”), and when the rule is always the same (“You know that we don’t eat sweets before dinner.”).
Preschoolers
Preschoolers have a moderate tolerance for frustration. They can learn to take turns, to accept substitutes, and to delay gratification. As with all frustrations, sympathy and appreciation from loved ones makes them easier to bear (“I know that it’s hard to wait, but the cookie will taste even better after dinner.” "You are doing a great job waiting for lunch. It will be ready soon."). In addition, teaching preschoolers to deal with frustrations can be helped by explaining the need to wait (“You and I will go to the playground in a little while, but we have to wait until Daddy gets home so that he can take care of the baby.”).
When guiding preschoolers through the frustrations of life, the Prudent Parent keeps in mind that if the child can learn to tolerate frustration in small doses when he is young, he will be better able to tolerate the inevitable frustrations that are in store for him in the future. Also, while teaching young children to accept compromises and substitutes is a complex and time-consuming undertaking, it eventually frees the child from being at the mercy of his whims and desires.
Elementary-Age Children
In elementary school, children develop the ability to withstand frustrations without the constant support of loved ones. It remains difficult, however, for children in this age group to endure continual frustrations, and parents should seek to moderate the level of frustration that their child encounters on a regular basis.
Elementary-age children can learn that postponing gratification can provide a more satisfying experience in the long run (“If I do my homework before going out to play, I’ll feel better about myself.”).
Parents can help children manage their frustrations by validating their children’s feelings about the situation (“I can imagine how frustrating it must feel not to be invited to the birthday party.”) and by offering some alternatives (“Why not invite some friends over to play on that day?”). It is important to note that sometimes anger can be directed toward the parent who is making the suggestion because it is too soon after the frustrating event to talk about it, and a cooling-off period is warranted.
Adolescence
Each stage of life brings its own frustrations, and even adolescents need parental support when dealing with it. Sympathy can go a long way toward helping the teen cope with a frustrating event (“I know that you really wanted to play on the soccer team, and getting cut is frustrating, but maybe you can try out for the tennis team in the spring”).
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