Guilt is a powerful emotion. It can lead us to do things that we would never think of doing in its absence. The Prudent Parent is aware of feelings of guilt and is on alert for the side effects. If you are a mother who works outside the home and feels guilty about it, you may be at risk. If you are a father who works long hours and who doesn’t have as much time to spend with your children as you’d like, you may be at risk as well. At risk for what? Well, there are several things that can happen as the result of parental guilt.
First, you may not want to “contaminate” family time with discipline. This can lead to permissive parenting. Permissive parents often fail to set reasonable limits, and when they do set limits, they do not enforce them consistently. A lack of limits at home makes everyone’s life miserable because the child feels the need to constantly “test” you to see if you mean what you say or you don’t. Of course, it’s no surprise that your child doesn’t know if limits are in place or not because you, as the parent, don’t really know either. This sets the child up to have behavior problems outside the home as well. When his teacher establishes a rule, your child will naturally test her to see if she really means it. And he will probably get into trouble, because the teacher does, in fact, usually mean what she says.
Guilt may also induce parents to forget how to say no to unreasonable requests. You know that there is a reason that parents shouldn’t give in to a child’s begging for yet another new toy, but in your guilty fog, you can’t remember what it is. And it isn’t even that expensive. So what’s the harm? You buy it. Soon thereafter, your child forgets about how badly he wanted it, and it stays at the bottom of the toy box, pieces missing. Now, you find yourself, once again, being begged for the latest toy. You’ve said “yes” so often that your child can’t bear to hear the word, “no.” And it isn’t only at home where this is becoming a problem. When the teacher has to say “no” to your child at preschool, he throws a tantrum because he’s used to getting everything his heart desires. It’s a slippery slope.
Guilt can also lead parents to focus all of their attention on their child when they are at home with him. While this doesn’t sound like a problem, it can be. If the home revolves around the child, then he may develop the idea that the world beyond the home revolves around him as well. It may be very upsetting (and difficult for him to deal with) when he find out that this is not the case. It is better for the child to occupy a favored position in the home but not the central position.
A sense of guilt can also lead parents to do too much for their child. In order to become independent, children need to learn to do for themselves. Parents who work outside the home may be afraid that they are doing too little for their child. In fact, they may be doing too much. Dressing the preschooler, cleaning up after the tween, and making the teen’s lunch all represent doing things that the child is fully capable of doing on his own. By doing too much for their children, parents may promote an unhealthy dependence.
Another consequence of parental guilt can involve seeing the any difficulties that the child faces as a personal failing. And the reaction of others to our child can further fuel feelings of guilt. In reality, the child’s relative success/failure is a complex interaction among genetics/parenting/family/environment and is probably not simply the direct result of parenting.
In addition to the obvious behavioral problems associated with these guilt-driven behaviors, the children of guilt-ridden parents tend to be less persistent, less involved in academic activities, and rely more on peers (during adolescence). (Hoghughi, 2004)
So how can parents avoid the pitfalls of feeling guilty? Recognition that guilt-driven behaviors are potentially problematic is the first step. The Prudent Parent realizes that children need to learn to control their impulses, and she sets up necessary and reasonable rules for behavior and enforces them consistently. The Prudent Parent does not give in to begging and whining. The Prudent Parent encourages her child to do whatever he is capable of doing for himself so that he will develop independence and responsibility. The Prudent Parent lets her child know that he is extremely important to her, but she does not place him on a pedestal or allow him to become a tyrant in the home. The Prudent Parent recognizes that her child’s achievements and challenges belong to him they are not solely the result of parenting “successes” and “failures.” In full awareness of the possible results of feeling guilty, the Prudent Parent makes well-considered decisions about work, home life, and parenting, and she stands firm in her belief that these decisions are the best ones that she can make under the circumstances. The Prudent Parent does not allow guilt to drive her parenting choices.
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References
Hoghughi, M. and Long, N. (2004). Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.
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