Some people use a token system as an alternative to giving gifts, but keeping track of your child’s behaviors with a star chart or token system is very hard work, and it tends to condition children to demonstrate appropriate behaviors only when an adult is present to witness them. So, it does not encourage children to develop intrinsic motivation—to want to behave appropriately for its’ own sake.
Whether you choose to praise, encourage, or reward positive behaviors, there will be times when your child repeatedly misbehaves. In addition, from time to time, a behavior becomes so annoying that you need to make it stop right then and there. The first step is to try to extinguish the behavior by systematically ignoring it. If, for example, your toddler is banging two blocks together and your head feels as if it is going to explode, you may want to simply walk out of the room and take a personal timeout. As long as your child is in a safe space, a few minutes away from him will do him no harm. Many people have found the bathroom to be a great place for this. Go in, shut the door, and collect yourself. Stay there until the behavior stops if you can. Then, when you come out and you see your child building a tower with the same blocks, comment positively on the lovely tower that he is building. Additionally, it would not be out of order to give him a big smile and a hug. It is altogether appropriate to express your joy that the noise has stopped.
Another approach that works for many people is “timeout.” A timeout can be given anywhere, even when you are away from home. See the blog entry from 1 June 2015 for a detailed explanation of how to use timeout most effectively.
If praise for appropriate behavior, systematically ignoring inappropriate behavior, or timeout does not work with your child on a regular basis, then you may want to implement a reward system to help your child learn to manage his behavior. Again, I will point out that this is hard work if it is to be done consistently (and it must be in order for it to work). Also, the success of the reward system depends on how you frame it. For example, you might say, “In order to help you get good at remembering to do your homework, we’ll put a star on the chart whenever you do it
without being reminded. Eventually, you’ll get so good at it, you won’t need the star chart anymore.” (Furman, 1987)
The way it works is this. You and your child determine the positive behaviors that you want to see your child demonstrate, and every time you see him display the behavior, you give him a star or a token in a jar. Upon receiving a certain number of stars/tokens, a reward is given. This reward can be such things as extra time at a favorite playground, game time with you, or an outing somewhere of your child’s choice. It is good to avoid food as a reward, as the long-term consequences of associating food and reward may be negative. When considering what to give as a reward, make sure that it is small enough so that you don’t go broke (in terms of either money or time) but significant enough to your child that he will want to work toward earning it.
In addition to promoting positive behaviors, something else may be gained by using a reward system. Your child may learn to delay gratification. Since you don’t give a reward every time your child exhibits the desired behavior, you only give him a star or a token, he must delay gratification until the end of the week when he receives his reward. Being able to delay gratification is an important step on the road to independence and, later, to financial responsibility. Furthermore, studies have shown that the ability to delay gratification is a predictor of success in later life. (Alvy,2008)
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References
Alvy, K. (2008). The Positive Parent: Raising Healthy, Happy, and Successful Children, Birth to Adolescence. NY: Teacher's College Press.
Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.
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