Preaparing Your Child for Babysitters

Infants

It is often difficult for the mother to leave her baby with a babysitter for the first time. In her mind, no one can provide the kind of care that she can. To some degree, she is right. So, it is very important to choose a babysitter for an infant very carefully.

In addition to the emotional considerations of leaving your baby for the first time, there are the practical ones to deal with. A breast-fed baby must be willing to take a bottle when the mother is away. We handled this by giving our children one bottle a day almost from the start. Eric looked forward to feeding Esther and Miriam their evening bottle, and this simple act allowed Eric to feel closer to our daughters, and it allowed them to get used to someone other than me feeding them.

Parents should note that babies who are breast fed may not be willing to take a bottle from their mother, but they may be okay with taking a bottle from an alternate caregiver—the father or a babysitter, for example. Once the baby allows someone other than the mother to feed him, it is possible for the mother to get away for a short while and leave her baby with his father or a sitter.

Because babies can tell the difference between care providers within weeks or months of birth, the best choice for a first babysitter may be a member of the family who is familiar with the baby’s routines. In addition, if the baby is familiar with the family member, he may feel immediately comfortable having that family member care for him.

A mother who is reluctant to leave her baby with a sitter may take a couple of intermediate steps before leaving the child with a non-family member for several hours at a time. The first step may be to leave the child with his father. Once she feels comfortable with this arrangement, she can enlist the help of another relative such as a grandparent or an aunt, or she can choose a close family friend. Alternatively the mother can have a non-family member come to the house and care for the child while she is at home for the first few times. This way, the sitter can become familiar with the childcare routines and with the baby before being left alone with him.

Having no family member in close proximity to us, and unwilling to hire someone whom we didn’t know to take care of our baby, we decided to leave our older daughter, Esther, with a doctor friend of ours who had a child of a similar age. Although reluctant to leave her for the first time, we felt certain that or friend could manage in a crisis. This may have been overdoing it with caution, but it made us feel confident enough to go out for the evening.

Whomever you ultimately choose as a babysitter, make sure to develop and use a leave-taking routine when you leave the house (see earlier post on this subject). Using such a routine provides comfort both to the child and to you.

Once you feel comfortable that you have chosen the right sitter, you may still want to make your first outings short ones. This gives the babysitter the chance to get to know the baby and the baby to get to know her. You can then gradually lengthen the time you are away from your baby. Eventually, your baby will get to know the sitter sufficiently well that he will accept her as a substitute caregiver. In any case, do what you need to do to feel comfortable, but try to force yourself to get out. In addition to being good for your mental health, it sets the stage for leaving your older child in the future, which is beneficial for the child’s drive for independence.

Toddlers

Ideally, you will have left your child in the care of someone other than yourself long before he officially becomes a toddler. Otherwise, leaving a toddler with a sitter can be a challenging experience for both you and the child. The period between ages 2 and 3 years of age represents the peak of separation anxiety. So, unless the babysitter is well known to the toddler, there may be considerable crying and clinging upon your departure. Your child should settle down relatively quickly after you leave, however. So try to project confidence as you walk out the door.

Even if your initial experiences with leaving your toddler with a sitter are trying, have faith that it will get easier. Because of the increased independence of toddlers in talking, feeding, and dressing, they can actually enjoy time with a babysitter once they get over initial dismay at being left by you. Having someone new to play with who is willing to devote 100% of her attention to him may be intensely pleasurable and may outweigh any negative feelings associated with your leaving.

If leaving your toddler with a sitter is a new experience for you and your child, it is best to make your first outings somewhat short so that the toddler can come to understand that when you leave, you always come back. In addition to keeping the duration of initial outings short, make sure to use the same leave-taking routine each time. Also recognize that at peak times of need fulfillment, such as mealtime or bedtime, or when under stress, the child may prefer his mother to all others. Consequently, it is best not to leave the child when he is likely to need his mother to a greater degree. A short time during the middle of the day may be best for the first few times you leave your child.

In any case, it is a good idea for parents to get out now and then, and it benefits the child to spend time with a caring adult other than the parent. Keep in mind, however, that toddlers may behave indifferently or negatively toward parents when they return after an absence in order to “punish” them for leaving. An appropriate response to this behavior might be to say, “I missed you, and I’m happy to see you!” The more confidence you exude about the situation, the more likely the child will be to come to accept that you go out on occasion without him.

Preschoolers

In normal situations, preschoolers will tolerate babysitters who are familiar to them and who are familiar with their routines. When under stress, such as with the introduction of a new babysitter, the child may fuss a bit or may use various stalling techniques such as asking for extra stories at bedtime or dawdling at meals or when getting dressed. But given a little time, babysitters can develop a relationship with the child that enables him to see the sitter as an acceptable substitute parent. Even with preschoolers, it is a good idea to continue to use some version of the leave-taking routine established earlier (unless the preschooler has become so cavalier as to no longer need such reassurances).

Elementary Age

By the time a child reaches elementary school, he is able to control his wants, desires, impulses, and feelings, and his life no longer revolves around getting his needs met. He can enjoy a variety of people and experiences, and he can conform to behavioral expectations and rules of the sitter. Having sitters can test a school-age child’s independence in positive ways, and parents should not hesitate to leave their child in the care of a competent, caring sitter.

Middle School

Older middle school children can be safely left at home alone for short periods of time. But if both parents work, it is better for the middle school age child not to come home every day to an empty house. Hiring a high school student to come and “hang out” with your tween can be a good compromise between hiring a “baby sitter,” which can be demeaning to the tween, and allowing him to be home alone every day.

High School

While the teen can safely stay at home on his own, there should be rules set up regarding what is okay and what is not when the parent is away from home. Are friends allowed over? Does the teen have to seek permission before having a friend over? Does the parent of the visitor need to be informed about where he is and that there is no adult supervision? What tasks must the teen perform after school? Homework? Chores? What is the policy on playing video games or on watching TV?