It almost goes without saying that is important to be attentive to your infant’s needs. When he cries, go and pick him up. Feed him if he’s hungry, change him if his diaper is wet or soiled, or cuddle him if that’s what he needs (or if that’s just what you feel like doing). Some of your most satisfying interactions with your new baby will involve holding him, feeding him, smiling at him, talking to him, singing to him, rocking him, and gazing into his eyes. You cannot spoil an infant. Hold him as much as he wants to be held. Carry him around with you as you do your chores if that’s what he prefers.
My daughter, Miriam, wanted to be held almost all of her waking hours, and, for the most part, I obliged. I put her in a front pack and went about my day's activities. Of course, I also spent time just communing with her. Unfortunately, I had developed a bad case of sciatica during my pregnancy with her, and carrying her was painful until I got on some high-powered anti-inflammatories when she was about 3 months of age.
All of this carrying around was part of the physical bonding that is so critical in infancy. Through touch, you convey your love for your child, and you allow “secure attachment” to occur. Secure attachment is the strong emotional bond between the infant and his caregiver. Secure attachment leads to healthy brain development as well as to healthy social and emotional development. Research shows that the brain is actually neurologically altered by the quality of the mother-child relationship. (Levine, 2006) Furthermore, a two-way attachment between parent and child is essential for the parent to successfully meet the child’s needs. (Hoghughi, 2004)
By holding your baby, you become more adept at reading his signals for food, stimulation, and snuggling. Studies show that holding the infant (up to age 3 months), even when he is content or asleep, can lead to less crying during the day. (Dodson, 1986) In addition, caregivers who are tuned in to and who respond quickly to their baby’s “pre-crying” behaviors such as whimpering, grimacing, or vocalizing, had babies who cried less. (Black, 1996)
In general, babies whose mothers respond predictably, consistently, and appropriately to their cues become attached earlier (between 1 and 4 months) than mothers who were less responsive. In addition, mothers whose babies were securely attached were able to maintain close physical contact while encouraging their baby’s explorations by not intruding on his play. These mothers had a sense of when their babies wanted to interact with them and when they wanted to be left alone. Securely attached infants exhibited more trust in their mother’s availability and progressed toward autonomous behaviors (such as crawling away from the mother) more easily. (Black, 1996)
How can you tell if your infant is becoming securely attached to you? If you have been consistently meeting your child’s needs over the first several months of his life, it is very likely that he is becoming attached (attachment is a process that happens over the entire first year of life). If your baby cries when you are not attending to him but he stops crying when he sees you, hears your voice, or feels your touch, he is demonstrating an attachment to you. It is also a good sign if your baby reacts to your coming and going during his first year of life. Reactions to your leaving can vary from restlessness to crying to a refusal to go to sleep. Reactions to your coming back will probably include happy signals such as vocalizing, waving arms and legs, and smiling. (Furman, 1987)
How do mothers develop a feeling of attachment to their babies? It all begins with the mother carrying the baby for 9 months in her own body. If the baby is born vaginally, the hormone, oxytocin, is released and provides the mother with a strong feeling of well-being and reduced anxiety, which allows her to “fall in love” with her baby. Nursing preserves this bond with the baby and is usually pleasurable to both mother and baby. (Furman, 1987)
While the capacity to “mother” is enhanced by natural factors, much of mothering is learned simply by being with the baby, so if your baby was delivered via C-section, if you are not the biological mother, or if you have chosen to (or must) bottle feed, don’t worry, you will bond with your baby.
Even the biological mother may not feel immediately attached to her baby. Over 50% of mothers do not fall instantly “in love” with their babies. In addition, about 80% of mothers struggle with some post-partum depression, with first-time mothers more susceptible than mothers with older children. In most cases, post-partum depression resolves within 4 to 6 weeks without interventions. If it goes on longer or it becomes debilitating, then outside help should be sought.
In any case, it may take 4 to 6 weeks to develop maternal feelings for a newborn. (Black, 1996) Babies do their part in making themselves loveable, however. Infants who are appropriately cared for actively seek positive attention from their mothers through making eye contact, which they can do within days of being born, waving their arms and legs, cooing and other vocalizing, and smiling. (Hoghughi, 2004) Babies who are better at engaging their caregivers get more attention than those who are less demonstrative. The baby’s and the mother’s interactions tend to be mutually satisfying.
Once you and your baby get to know each other (through lots of physical, skin-on-skin closeness, which releases oxytocin and cortisol, the anti-stress hormone) and time together not “doing” anything (Bogels, 2014), you will be able to better read his various cries, and you will be better able to give him exactly what he needs when he needs it. It is important not to respond to all cries with feeding because if you do, then the child will associate comfort of all emotions with food. So, don’t just assume that his cry means hunger. Use common sense and good judgment. (Furman, 1987)
It is important to note that while most mothers usually feel intense love for their babies, the mother will not find joy in every minute with her child. There are times when she is exhausted or when the baby has symptoms of colic and she needs a break. This does not mean that she is a “bad” mother. It just means that she’s reached her capacity and needs help. This is where secondary caregivers can be extremely helpful. (Furman, 1987)
If the baby is going through a difficult phase or if the mother has become exhausted, perhaps the father can come home early for a few days to help out. Maybe a teen from the neighborhood can be hired for a few hours after school to entertain the baby while the mother takes a nap or goes for a walk. Perhaps the child’s grandmother or one of his aunts can take the baby for a few hours here or there. There are any number of scenarios in which the mother can get some help, and she should not hesitate to do so.
The emotional bonds that you form with your baby will enable your child to assert his independence more easily. He knows that you’ll always be there, so he can explore his environment with that assurance in mind. As a crawling baby, he’ll likely crawl back to you every now and then to reassure himself that you’re still there. As a toddler, he’ll toddle back to you from time to time. This going away and coming back will eventually allow him to be dropped off at daycare or preschool with your assurance that you will come back to pick him up “after nap,” or “after lunch,” or at whatever time you plan in advance.
Usually, strong attachment allows the child to separate from the parent. Sometimes, however, a securely attached child wants to separate but finds it difficult to do so. My daughter, Miriam, wanted to go to “school” like her older sister, Esther, did. Esther was about four years old and enrolled in preschool, and Miriam was about two. I found a nice daycare that she could go to and signed her up for three mornings a week. Every day, she’d happily get ready to go to “school.” She and I would drop Esther off at preschool, and then I’d take Miriam to daycare. Once we arrived, she’d hop right out of the car and enter the building readily, but when it was time for me to leave, she’d dissolve into tears. It was painful to witness, but if I brought her home, she’d be sad to have missed out on the day’s fun. So the teacher and I came up with a way to make separating easier for her. We ritualized the “leave taking.” Every day, I’d say, “Okay, Miriam, I’m going to go now, and I’ll be back to pick you up at lunchtime. Bye-bye!” Then, I’d leave. The teacher would bring Miriam to one of the windows overlooking the parking lot, and Miriam would wave to me, and I’d wave back, smiling all the while. Then I’d get in my car and go. By doing this every day, Miriam gradually became able to separate from me without tears. It took creativity on the teacher’s part and patience on mine, but Miriam was able to be more independent in the end.
The early bonds that you make with your child are likely to last a lifetime. There will be times when he is in his tweens or teens that you will wonder what happened to those bonds, but be assured that they are still there, albeit hidden for the time being. I have a friend who battled mightily with her daughter throughout her daughter’s tweens and teens. They now live next door to one another, and my friend’s daughter has a son and daughter of her own. She is very close with her mother and tells me how much she respects and appreciates all that her mother did and taught her when she was growing up.
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References
Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.
Bogels, S. and Restifo, K. (2014). Mindful Parenting: A Guide for Mental Health Practitioners. NY: Springer.
Dodson, F. and Alexander, A. (1986) Your Child: Birth to Age Six. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.
Hoghughi, M. and Long, N. (2004). Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.
Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.
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