For example, parents can teach children as young as toddlers how to keep ahead of the mess by putting things away as they finish with them.
The skills necessary for doing chores must be taught early on (“Let’s clean up the toys before I start dinner.”) in order for children to be able to manage the tasks on their own later. While it is tempting (in the interest of time) to do the job yourself, you are missing a teaching opportunity by doing so. If you put off requiring the children to help around the house, they will not do it later or in your absence.
One way to get buy-in on chores is to let each child choose the chores that he will do from a pre-determined list. For example, there can be “Column A” chores list that includes the most demanding chores (including cleaning out the litter box, doing laundry, and cooking a meal), “Column B” chores that are moderately demanding (including feeding and walking the dog), and “Column C” chores that are minimally demanding (including setting the table and taking out the trash). Parents might require a preschooler to choose one from Column C, an elementary-age child to choose one from Column B and one from Column C, and tweens and teens to choose one from each column.
Parents should praise each child based on the degree of effort expended on each of the chores rather than only on the results, as children may be able to complete a chore before they can complete it with an adult-level of success. It is also of critical importance for parents not to go around after the child and re-do chores not done to the parent’s standards (but to the best of the child’s ability). Doing this is extremely discouraging to the child.
Children who participate in the running of the household in a meaningful way and who are considered part of the family “team” earn the respect of the other family members. This gives a real sense of importance and value, thus improving self-esteem. In addition, the children, through their efforts, are learning valuable skills that will enable them to live independently once they move away from home.
If a child does not complete an assigned chore that is necessary to the running of the household, then there will often be natural consequences. For example, if the dirty clothes are not put into the hamper, they won’t get washed; if the dishwasher doesn’t get loaded and run, there will be no clean dishes for the next meal; and, if the kitchen isn’t cleaned up after dinner, then the next meal cannot be prepared.
Sometimes, however, the natural consequence is too severe, too dangerous, or too far removed in time from the actual infraction, and a logical consequence must be imposed. For example, if the dog isn’t fed or walked, someone (mom or dad) will have to do it because the natural consequence is too serious. The logical consequence should be something that is of similar severity to the infraction. Given that this is a life or death matter to the dog, the child may need to be grounded for the weekend. A less serious infraction, such as a failure to take out the trash, for example, might be met with a less severe consequence. Some parents simply charge a fee for doing the chore themselves (or to pay another member of the family to do the chore). If this plan is implemented, the fee should be fairly steep so that the child will not find it easier to simply “pay” someone else to do his chores rather than do them himself.
One thing to note about chores. I don’t recommend making allowance contingent upon doing chores. As I noted in my blog entry of Tuesday 16 June 2015, allowance should be the sharing of the family’s income among its members, and chores should be done because one is a member of the family “team.” After all, parents don’t get paid to do their chores, and neither should children.
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