Talking About Sexuality: High School

Continue discussions in high school about sexual relationships. Contrary to what you might think, these conversations can have an impact. According to Centers for Disease Control 2013 statistics, birth rates for teenagers, aged 15 – 17, continue to drop. A record number of teens have gotten the message about either abstaining from sex or using birth control, as the rate of births to this age group has declined 23% since 2007, and abortion rates have reached historic lows (14.7 per 1000), according to the Guttmacher Institute.

Teach your teen how to say, “no” if he is not ready for a sexual relationship. Talk about how easy it is to get a “reputation” by engaging in casual “hook-ups” and how difficult it is to say, “no” once you’ve said, “yes” to someone.

Family Circle magazine did a good piece this year that gave teens some snappy ways to say “no” when pressured to have sex. They suggest role-playing with your teen. Here are some of the suggested comments and responses:

He says: “If you really loved me, you’d have sex with me.”
She responds: “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t push me to do something that I don’t feel comfortable doing yet.”

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He says, “Everyone else does it.”
She responds: “No, they’re don’t. It just seems like they do because the ones who are doing it talk about it all the time, but most people aren’t doing it.”

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His friend says: “You still aren’t having sex? There must be something wrong with you.”
He responds: “What’s the big rush? It’ll happen when it happens.”

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His friend says: “You don’t want to get laid? You must be a wimp.”
He responds: “I’m just not doing things because everyone else thinks I should or because they have. That would be being a wimp.”

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His friend says: “Sex is fun! Go for it!”
He responds: “A few minutes of fun aren’t worth 18 years of responsibility.”

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She says: “If you loved me, you’d want to do it.”
He responds: “It’s because I love you that I can be honest with you and tell you that I’m not ready to have sex yet.”

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She says: “Most guys would be dying to sleep with me.”
He responds: “Look, it’s hard for me to resist. And you need to do what you need to do. But all I can tell you is that I’m just not ready.”


In addition to role-playing, you can set rules for your teen that will help him to say “no” if that is what he wants to do. Some rules that might help are as follows:

1. Observe the family’s minimum age for dating (encourage group get-togethers rather than “dates”) prior to age 14 (or freshman year in high school);

2. Don’t date anyone more than two years older or younger (or anyone younger than high school age) (this avoids the situation of the older member of the couple pressuring the younger member to engage in sexual activity);

3. Don’t entertain boyfriends/girlfriends in the bedroom;

4. Observe curfews; and,

5. Don’t use alcohol or drugs.

If your teen is in a loving, healthy, mature relationship, and he decides to extend that relationship to include sex, make sure that he follows the number one rule, which I call the “belt and suspenders” rule:

1. Always use two forms of birth control (one of which is a condom to prevent STDs).

In order to ensure that your teen uses birth control, you may want to go so far as to take him (or her) to the local clinic for a “family planning” talk and to obtain birth control. While this might be embarrassing for your teen (and, perhaps, for you), it is far better to be embarrassed than to have an unplanned pregnancy or an STD to deal with later.

Of course, if your value system doesn’t allow for you to accept that your teen might decide to have sex before marriage, then your number one rule should be, “just say no.”

References

http://www.guttmacher.org/media/nr/2014/05/05/

http://www.familycircle.com/teen/parenting/sex-talk/say-no-to-sex/

Talking About Sexuality: Elementary School and Middle School

Elementary School (Ages 5 – 11)

When school-age children ask questions about sexuality, they should be given honest, straight-forward answers in a matter-of-fact way. By the age of nine, children should be given information about the physical and emotional changes that puberty brings. This leads naturally to a discussion about the basics of human anatomy and an explanation of the mechanics of reproduction. It is important to note that parents who begin discussions about sexuality beyond simply the mechanics of it prior to the onset of puberty have a greater impact on their children’s thinking about sexuality.

These discussions can include the idea that human sexuality is a complex process that has emotional as well as physical components. Parents who have such talks with their children can begin to transmit values such as that sex should be part of a mature, loving, healthy relationship.

Middle School (Ages 11 – 14)

If the topic has not come up previously, parents should begin conversations about sexuality no later than early middle school. Despite the fact that many schools have “family life” education, parents still play an important role in educating their children about sexuality. In addition to giving your tween accurate information about puberty, parents need to speak frankly and openly about the health and social benefits of making good decisions about sexuality.

Explain the value of having sexual intercourse in the context of a mature, loving, healthy relationship. Provide reasons for delaying sexual behaviors. Talk about your family’s values and your hopes and dreams for your child. Ask your tween about his goals for the future and help him to consider steps toward those goals. Discuss how an unplanned pregnancy would interfere with your tween’s plans for the future.

Ask your tween about pressures to engage in sexual behaviors. Ask questions like, “Do you feel pressure to engage in sexual behaviors of any kind?” Explain that waiting shows self-control and self-respect. Discuss the fact that abstinence is the healthiest choice and that it eliminates the possibility that the person is only interested in you for sex.

Discuss STDs and their transmission. Explore the use of contraceptives for birth control and protection from STDs. Explain that all birth control has a small failure rate and that abstinence is the only sure way of eliminating all risks associated with sexual behavior.

Talking About Sexuality with Children/Preschoolers and Sexuality

Overview

Before your child begins asking questions about sexuality, examine your own attitudes about the subject. Inform yourself about available resources (including children’s books) to help you discuss sexuality with your child. When questions arise, be honest and open. Use correct terminology when discussing body parts, and use a friendly and matter-of-fact tone of voice. When children ask questions, make sure that you understand exactly what is being asked before attempting to answer. You might want to start off by asking the child what he thinks he knows about the question. Then, you can clarify his understandings on the topic. This ensures that you will not provide more information than the child is able to understand and digest at his stage of development.

Preschool (Ages 3 – 5).

Most preschoolers express an interest in the sex organs of the opposite sex and ask questions about sexual matters (“Where do babies come from?”). Such questions should be answered as simply as possible using correct terminology. Before answering questions, it is a good idea to make sure that you know exactly what the child is asking so that you don’t give him more information than he really wants or needs to know. Ask your child what he thinks he knows about the topic first. Then, clear up any misconceptions that he has. Of course, you will need to have more detailed follow-up conversations when the child is older.

Children of this age may engage in imaginative play related to sexuality (“Let’s play doctor!”). Parents who become aware of this should remind the child in a friendly way that “we keep our clothes on in public.” In addition, most young children masturbate from time to time, some more than others. This behavior should be ignored unless it occurs in public, and then the child should be taught that it is a private behavior. (“I know that it feels good when you touch your penis, but we don’t do that in public; that is a private activity.”).The most important thing in all of this is that parents must try to respond to all sexual matters that come up without embarrassment or shame. Young children cannot understand the intricacies of human reproduction, but they can detect the feelings of the parents toward the subject of sexuality.

Risk Taking in School—The Foundation of Learning

Good risk-taking behavior is important for learning. Risk-takers tend to be more motivated to achieve, and they are more tolerant of the inevitable frustrations encountered in school. Learning something new leads to feelings of pride, mastery, and self-esteem. Risk-taking can prevail over fear of making mistakes in a climate of safety and acceptance in the classroom. (Levine, 2006)

While there are many factors the influence the degree to which a child is willing to take risks, the child’s experiences in school influence the way he approaches risk-taking. A teacher’s philosophy can affect the degree to which a child’s risk-taking behavior is rewarded or discouraged. When the right answer is rewarded over effort, risk-taking is discouraged. On the other hand, teachers who reward intellectual risk-taking encourage that in their students.

In addition to creating an overall climate of encouragement for risk-taking, the astute teacher takes into consideration each student’s areas of relative strength and weakness and individualizes her approach for specific children. Children vary in their cognitive abilities with some being more verbal, others more mathematical, and still others more spatial. Children also vary in their attentional abilities. In addition, children differ in their processing ability, including processing speed and memory (both long- and short-term). Most children have uneven learning profiles, that is, they do not perform at the same level in all areas, and they tend to avoid risk-taking in areas of relative weakness. Teachers who focus mostly on a child’s strengths can sometimes interest them in risk-taking in areas of relative weakness. Providing opportunities to take small risks in areas of relative weakness can be valuable for these children in the long run. (Davis, 2009)

While this is all true, children who are temperamentally risk-averse may struggle even in the most supportive classroom environments. My older daughter’s extreme perfectionism surfaced when she began to attend school. She somehow got the idea that she was always supposed to know the answer and that she was never supposed to make mistakes. These thoughts brought her to tears on many occasions, despite the fact that she was an outstanding student. Her perfectionism virtually paralyzed her when she was given a creative assignment in which there was no right answer. Her teachers were extremely caring and fully understood the value of intellectual risk-taking in school, yet Esther’s perfectionism persisted into high school and spilled over into the social and athletic realms. All of this is to say that even under the best of circumstances, sometimes one factor will weigh more heavily in a child’s risk-profile than all others. If this is the case, it takes time and experience for children to become better risk-takers, but it can be accomplished. As an adult, for example, Esther is highly risk-tolerant in most areas.

Parents can support their child's development of positive risk-taking in school by sharing with his teacher the child's experiences with risk-taking in the past. If the teacher knows that risk-taking is very difficult for your child, for example, she can provide significant support for even the most tentative of stepts in the direction of risk-taking. In addition, she can work to prepare your child for situations in which risk is unavoidable, such as in creative writing or in art projects. In addition, parents can talk with their child about risk-taking and about his reaction to it. The more he understands about his own risk-taking profile, the better able he will be to manage in school.

Parental Self-Understanding and Risk-Taking (Part 6 of 6)

Knowing yourself as a parent is a difficult task, but the Prudent Parent seeks to achieve self-understanding. The two checklists below can help you to achieve the level of self-understanding that is required to determine how you are affecting the risk-taking style of your child. (Davis, 2009)

Parents who are self-reflective are better able to encourage their children to develop a good risk-taking style. Through self-reflection, you can determine your own risk-taking style and consider how it impacts your child’s style. You can come to understand both how your individual temperament and your upbringing affect your risk-taking style.

A parent’s risk-taking style is made up of temperament, experience, and parenting style. Parents who understand their own approach to risk-taking are better able to learn to modify their own behaviors, if necessary, in order to encourage their children to become good risk-takers.

Parents promote good risk-taking by encouraging their children to grasp at life’s opportunities and by helping them to tolerate set- backs.

Parental Self-Reflection Checklist (Davis, 2009)

1. Is my child’s risk-taking behavior triggering uncomfortable feelings (e.g., anger, anxiety, fear, or sadness) in me at this moment? If so, what are those feelings?

2. Why is my child’s risk-taking behavior making me feel this way?

3. Is this an expected/familiar feeling or is it surprising/new?

4. How is my behavior/reaction toward my child’s risk-taking affecting my child?
In addition to reflecting on your own reactions to your child’s risk-taking, you should try to understand how your risk-taking style was influenced by your family of origin.


Family of Origin Checklist (Davis, 2009)

1. What was your own childhood like? Think of both happy and sad times as well as the times when you felt angry.

2. What characterized your relationship with your parents? Did your parents cause you to feel safe or insecure? Happy or sad? Calm or anxious? Accepted or rejected?

3. What was your parents’ style? Were each of your parents similar to one another or were they different from one another? In what ways?

4. Were your parents kind and generous or harsh and punitive?

5. Were your parents shy and withdrawn (introverts) or social and gregarious (extraverts)?

6. How did you feel about your parents? Were you generally proud of them or did they make you feel ashamed/humiliated by
their behaviors?

7. Are your attitudes, behaviors, reactions toward your children similar to or different from those of your parents toward you?

8. How did you parents react to the risks you took (or didn’t take)? Were they anxious, fearful, supportive, or authoritarian? How did they handle your positive risks? Your negative risks?

9. How were feelings and emotional reactions managed or avoided?

10. How were transitions and separations handled?

11. How was limit-setting approached?

12. How were strong feelings handled?

13. How was discipline handled?

14. How were issues related to achievement taught?

15. Were issues related to sexuality discussed or avoided?

Once you have reflected on your own risk-taking style and your risk-taking legacy, consider how these two things affect your attitudes toward your child’s risk-taking. If you have a tendency to want to hold your child back from taking positive risks, determine ways in which you can modify your behavior to support positive risk-taking in your child and to comfort him when those risks lead to set-backs, partial successes, or failures. Try to be proactive in this. Determine how you will react, if at all possible, before it becomes necessary to react. This will lead to better outcomes for your child.

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References

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.

Development and Risk-Taking: Middle Adolescence (Ages 16 - 18)

During middle adolescence, the teen reasons abstractly and develops passions in a variety of areas, which may include academics, politics, romance, sports, and the arts, to name a few. The teen feels deeply about things, and he may establish intimate/sexual relationships during this period. (Davis, 2009)

Given that the teen may be involved in, or is contemplating getting involved in, a sexual relationship, parents should discuss this subject with their teen and should lay out the responsibilities and the possible consequences of this risky behavior. (Amundson, 1989) The Prudent Parent will have been proactive, so this topic will have been discussed previously, and conversations at this time will simply be continuations of ongoing conversations about sexuality. If this has not been the case, then parents must be very clear with their teen regarding the risks and responsibilities associated with sexual activity.

Putting off talking about the risks and responsibilities of early sexual activity until this late date is risky in itself.

In addition to risks involving intimate relationships, teens at this age risk learning to drive, risk stretching themselves academically with increasingly difficult courses at school, risk balancing schedules heavy with extra-curricular activities, and risk applying to colleges, which carries the inherent fear of rejection. Parents can help teens reduce these risks by ensuring that the teen is prepared for each challenge.

Taking a driver education course increases the teen’s competence as a new driver and reduces the associated risk of learning to drive. Taking seriously the prerequisite courses for AP classes and establishing good study routines helps to ensure that the teen is ready for the college-level work required of the AP student. Also, making sure that the teen does not load up his schedule with more AP courses than he can handle may be an appropriate intervention on the part of the parent Parents can also help by keeping an eye on the degree to which the student is over-scheduled and sleep-deprived. Teens, in an attempt to look good to colleges, can get in over their heads with advanced courses and extracurricular activities. It is the parent’s job to monitor this and to suggest strongly that the teen use good sense when taking on new responsibilities. Parents can also help teens manage the risk of applying to colleges by encouraging them to include on their list of colleges ones that they’d like to attend and to which they are very likely to be admitted (“safety schools”). If presented to the teen properly, this will not seem as though the parent has a lack of faith in the teen’s abilities. Rather, it will simply be seen as something that everyone does in order to be assured of a college placement.

In general, parents must walk a fine line between making clear their views on the various issues facing their teens and keeping lines of communication open (“This is what I think. What are your views?”). At this age, teens have a growing need for independence but must be monitored carefully. Parents should know where their teen is and with whom he is spending time, but the parents should give the teen as much freedom to come and go as he can handle safely. The greater his maturity, the greater freedom he should be given. In any case, the teen should be clear on family rules and the consequences for breaking those rules, but he should be involved in creating both the rules and the consequences.

The life of the middle adolescent is full of uncertainty, but that is not always a bad thing. When the teen struggles with uncertainty, he has the opportunity to demonstrate his ability to take on new challenges and to make choices. His successes boost his self-esteem. If his attempts are met with failure, however, he can feel anxious and uncertain. (Davis, 2009) Parents can help teens make good choices and decisions, however, and this will allow the teen to experience more success than failure. Parents can help by engaging in the following (Amundson, 1989):

• discussing with the teen potential problems/decisions;

• gathering more information about the problem/decision with the teen;

• helping the teen to generate alternative courses of action;

• helping the teen to examine the consequences of the various courses of action;

• considering the teen’s feelings and values; and,

• helping the teen choose the best decision/solution/choice.

Ultimately, the teen should be making the final decision/solution/choice, but with the parent’s help, he should be making more good decisions than bad, and this should boost his self-esteem. With each good decision, his ability to make good decisions in the future will be improved. The eventual goal is, of course, for the teen to be able to make good decisions on his own without the help of the parent.

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References

Amundson, K. (1989). Parenting Skills: Bringing Out the Best in Your Child. Arlington, VA: American Association of School Administrators.

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.

Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Early Adoldescence (Ages 14 - 16)

This stage brings rapid physical, intellectual, social, and emotional change and the risks associated with these changes. It is also the beginning of a quest for identity in all areas including academic, social, family, and community. As a part of this, the teen should begin to accept responsibility for his own life to a much greater degree than he had previously. The Prudent Parent recognizes the importance of this and hands over the reins to greater and greater degrees as the teen demonstrates the maturity to handle increased independence. As part of this, the teen is expected to challenge authority.

Bruno Bettelheim suggested that parents “accept odd, antagonistic, or otherwise unpleasant behavior without approving of it.” (Amundson, 1989)

Early adolescence is also a time for children to concern themselves with their sexual identity, and they may form early romantic relationships. In addition, the peer group becomes central to their lives, and their parents are relegated to a secondary (or tertiary) role. They also begin to question their parents’ values as well as community and social norms, and this can create conflict with parents. (Davis, 2009) The Prudent Parent makes her values clear to the teen, yet she is tolerant of the teen’s questioning and rejection of those values knowing that in all likelihood, this is a temporary situation. The teen must try out various value systems at this age, yet, in many circumstances, when the teen becomes an adult, he will, once again, adopt the parents’ core values as his own.

Opening one’s self up to another person is required in order to enter into an intimate relationship (either a friendship or a romance) with that person, and thus, the teen risks getting hurt. The parent can do little to prevent her child from experiencing these social hurts, but she can be there for the teen when they occur. Being available as a shoulder to cry on (without the “I told you so,”) is the job of the Prudent Parent. If the teen knows that the parent will be there to help pick up the pieces, he will be more willing to open himself up in the kinds of ways that are necessary to build strong friendships and other intimate relationships.

Also, when the teen expresses his beliefs, convictions, and ideas, especially if they are contrary to his parents’ beliefs, convictions, and ideas, he risks disapproval, denigration, and humiliation. On the other hand, if he expresses himself well, he may feel the positive feelings associated with self-expression and self-assertion including self-confidence and self-esteem. (Davis, 2009) It is part of the parents’ job to listen to and respect the teen’s beliefs, convictions, and ideas without necessarily agreeing with them

“I understand where you’re coming from, and I respect your views. I don’t agree with your conclusions and here’s why. It’s been my experience that . . .”

As the child matures, he will begin to size up situations and decide when and where to express his ideas in a public forum. He will eventually be able to determine when it is worth the risk to express himself and when it is not. Developing the ability to evaluate the situation and to decide to speak up or not is an important skill. (Davis, 2009) At first, he may need some gentle guidance from you (always behind the scenes) about the relative merits of speaking up at any given time and in any given place. For example, while it may be perfectly fine to express your ideas about sex, drugs, and rock and roll around peers, it is probably best to keep those ideas to yourself around grandma and grandpa.

The Prudent Parent takes all of this into account and, ideally, welcomes these changes. But if you cannot welcome them, try to tolerate them, at least. It is critical to the teen’s developing independence that he be able to express himself in a variety of areas. This does not mean that parents need to put up with disrespectful behavior, however (“It is fine for the two of us to have different ideas about various things, but it is not okay for you to speak to me disrespectfully. I go out of my way to be respectful of you and your ideas, and I expect the same consideration from you.”). Parents who do not respect themselves (and, therefore, do not command respect) often lose the respect of their teenage children.

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References

Amundson, K. (1989). Parenting Skills: Bringing Out the Best in Your Child. Arlington, VA: American Association of School Administrators.

Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.