Achievement

It is important to recognize that each child is an individual with unique talents and abilities and that these talents and abilities are determined by the interaction between genetics and environment. Consequently, as parents, our expectations for the effect that we have on our children’s achievement should be realistic—while our influence over our children is important, it is only one small part of what makes them who they are.
In recognizing that the impact of parenting is limited, parents can adopt a healthy attitude toward their child’s achievement. If parents can teach their children to work hard—and they do—parents must accept whatever level of achievement they are able to attain and not expect more from them than that.

Some parents argue that if they set high standards for their children, their children will live up to those standards. While setting high standards is not a bad thing in and of itself, setting an unreasonably high standard is counterproductive. If the parent demands more than the child can give, the child’s self-esteem may suffer damage. Further, the child may become anxious or depressed. But, if parents communicate to their child an expectation that he will do his best in whatever he does, and that doing his best is all that they ask, then they’ve done their job.

As part of a healthy attitude toward achievement, parents should seek to avoid over-praise. While being an appreciative audience for every new development in a toddler’s and in a preschooler’s life, once the child is in elementary school, praise should be restricted to effort, demonstrations of character, and significant achievements. If parents praise every “accomplishment,” no matter how trivial, then the praise will be seen by the child as hollow, leading him to discount parental praise in general.

Parents must also resist the temptation to overstate their children’s accomplishments. If the parent sees every early reader as a Rhodes scholar or every budding young violinist as a potential professional musician, she implies that they are not good enough the way they are—that they are only praiseworthy if they are a “genius” or a “prodigy” or if they are a candidate for a college athletic scholarship.

Accepting the child for who he is—and his achievement for what it is—the parent coveys the message that the child is valuable and good enough just the way he is. This is an important message that every parent should transmit to every child.