Discipline is Teaching: Limits, Guidance, and Encouragement

Before you can help your child learn to behave in an appropriate manner, you must develop a close relationship with him. This begins in infancy. Every time you respond to your baby’s physical, social, and emotional needs, you are building closeness. As your child grows, this closeness becomes richer. It is on this emotional closeness that discipline depends.

Discipline can be thought of either as teaching or punishment. Punishment is a poor teacher. While it bullies children into following the rules in the presence of the parent, it does not lead to the development of internal controls that operate independently of supervision. Setting limits, providing guidance, and supplying encouragement are much more effective at teaching children how to behave appropriately. It is in this spirit that I use the word discipline and apply it to raising children.

Setting limits helps children know how to behave in various situations. Without limits, children feel insecure and out of control. Limits should be set thoughtfully and not when the parent is under stress. Parents should explain the reasons for the limits in language that the child can understand.

Once limits are set, children need guidance in order to behave in accordance with the limitations. By guidance, I mean letting the child know that what he is doing is either acceptable or unacceptable and, if it is unacceptable, offering a more-acceptable alternative behavior. Sometimes your disapproval is all that is needed to keep a child from all-out misbehavior. For example, “I don’t like it when you leave your toys all over the floor. When you’re finished playing with them, please put them away. I will help you.” The stronger the parent-child bond, the more effective gentle guidance will be.

In order to want to do their best, children need frequent encouragement. Encouragement is the process by which the parent focuses on the child’s strengths in order to build self-confidence and self-esteem. One thing that parents should always seek to do is to “catch them being good.” When your child behaves appropriately, be sure and let him know that it pleases you (“I like it when you pick up your toys when you’re finished playing with them.”). Encouragement should also be used in place of rewards and punishments as much as possible so that the child develops the ability to do the right thing just because it is the right thing to do, not in anticipation of a reward of some sort. Part of the process of encouragement is minimizing the importance of mistakes and focusing, instead, on successes and strengths. Part of minimizing mistakes is ignoring minor misbehavior.