Consequences, Firmness, and Control

Consequences that are reasonable and well thought out are more often seen as “fair” by the child and are less likely to be met with anger, resentment, or resistance. Presenting consequences in a firm and matter-of-fact tone of voice is best. If reasonable consequences are meted out this way, children are more likely to accept them as a natural part of the learning process. It is important to realize that parents do not help their child when they shield him from the consequences of his behavior.

Firmness involves being clear about your authority. Parents who are less conflicted about their authority and are able to maintain unambiguous lines of authority between themselves and their child have children who are more cooperative. Furthermore, children who are clear about parental expectations are better able to use sound judgment in the absence of supervision.

Firm control must be established early in your child’s life. In order to establish firm control, don’t make idle threats, don’t let significant misbehavior slide, and don’t give in when children (especially very bright children) use highly verbal means to try to get their way. Also, remember that children want and need limits in order to feel secure.

In addition, keep in mind that there is a difference between being “in control” and being “controlling.” There are two types of control: behavioral control and psychological control. Behavioral control has a positive effect on child development whereas psychological control (being “controlling”) has a negative effect. An example of behavioral control is: “I’m sorry that you did poorly on your math test. Until you pull your grade up, TV time is being eliminated. Do you need some help studying?” An example of psychological control is: “If you don’t stop being such a slacker, you’re going to be flipping burgers at McDonald’s for the rest of your life.” Usually parents only resort to psychological control if they are feeling pushed to their limit. The use of psychological control demonstrates a lack of appropriate tools in the parental tool box.

This is not to say that a child will never feel guilt or shame. A child whose conscience has been developed over the years will sometimes do things that make him feel guilty or ashamed. These feelings should never be pushed upon children by the actions of the parent, however. If a child does do something that triggers a guilty conscience, it is a good idea for the parent to discuss with the child how such a thing happened given that they knew that what they were doing was against the rules or was morally wrong. These conversations are important to teaching the child to learn from his mistakes and to develop sound judgment.

Good judgment takes years to develop, however, and the Prudent Parent recognizes that children, tweens, and teens will make mistakes in judgment due to their lack of experience. The question to ask yourself in situations like these is, does my response to the misbehavior support the child’s development of good judgment and independence?