Establishing Rules

The Prudent Parent creates uncomplicated, developmentally-appropriate rules that can be consistently applied. She explains the reason for the rule at the time that it is made and provides reminders as needed, recognizing that children are more likely to internalize rules that are justified reasonably.

In order to ensure that rules are not arbitrary, before creating a rule, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does the rule keep the child safe and healthy?

2. Does the rule help the child to deal with negative emotions?

3. Does the rule help the child to get along with others?

4. Does the rule help the child to develop honesty, integrity, and responsibility?

In addition to being well-considered, rules should have both positive and negative consequences. Following the rule should have a positive consequence, and breaking the rule should have a negative one. Children should naturally experience significantly more positive than negative consequences.

It is important to note that positive consequences need not be "rewards," as such. For example, if the rule is that the kindergartener shares his toys with his friends on play-dates and he follows that rule, he will "earn" the natural consequence of a fun play-date with his friend. On the other hand, if he breaks the rule, the parent must see to it that there is a logical, negative consequence (cutting the play-date short, for example) associated with that behavior (see "natural and logical consequences" in a future post).

There is no way to make a comprehensive list of rules for each developmental stage, but there are some rules that I consider to be at least somewhat universal. These include the following:

1. Ask for things without whining. This is a very good rule that is applicable to children of almost all ages. Children must learn early on that whining gets them nowhere or whining will continue ad nauseam.

2. Family meals must be “unplugged.” This rule is one that has only recently become an issue. Family meals should be “unplugged” so that conversation is possible. Dinnertime should be family time, especially since getting the whole family together for dinner, in some households, is such a rare occurrence.

3. The hour before bedtime must be “unplugged.” This means that children should not use digital media within one hour of bedtime. This rule is also one that has only become necessary in recent years, but studies have shown that screen time before bed is disruptive to sleep and should be discouraged.

4. Be polite. This rule can include a wide range of smaller rules that you model as much as you enforce. Consider modeling and requiring that all family members:

a. Say “please” and “thank you;”
b. Speak in an “indoor voice” when indoors;
c. Use table manners; and,
d. Send thank-you notes.

5. Behave in a peaceful manner. This means that hitting, yelling, and behaving violently are not acceptable. This rule is a good one for everyone in the family to adopt, including the parents. Parents who resort to yelling and hitting cannot reasonably expect their children to refrain from these behaviors.

Once a rule has been established, it should be enforced quickly and consistently following the infraction. It is important to tell the child what he has done wrong each time he breaks a rule and to remind him of the reason for the rule as necessary. It is not advisable to try to reason with your child when he breaks the rule, however. Endless discussion may make you feel better about imposing discipline, but it does little to help the child internalize the rule (which is one of the goals of discipline). Rather, it makes all rules seem negotiable to your child (see "negotiable and non-negotiable rules" in a future post).

There will undoubtedly come a time when your child either makes a big fuss about the imposition of a consequence or refuses to comply with that consequence. This is when the Prudent Parent truly holds fast. With regard to fussing, my technique was to consciously ignore it after saying something like, “You can choose to fuss all you want, but I don't have to listen to it.” Then, I would walk away if I could, turn a deaf ear if I was stuck with the child (in the car for example), or send the child to timeout (see "timeout" in a future post) so that he could pull himself together. In the event that he refuses to comply with a rule, I would calmly repeat the request. If he still refuses, I would let him know that refusal is not an option and that continued attempts at refusal will result in a more serious consequence.

When your child is in a fit of temper because his desires were thwarted by you, keep in mind that children are not fragile. They are, in fact, quite resilient. And they are forgiving. As long as you remain calm in the face of your child's anger, you will eventually prevail, and the child will calm down. Keep in mind that the tween who screams, “I hate you! You’re the worst mother in the world!” may sweetly ask you to drive her to the mall in an hour.