Leave-Taking Routine

Tuned-in babies can perceive evidence of their mother getting ready to leave as young as six months of age. This can lead to crying. But getting into a routine of how you take your leave of your baby can be soothing to him. Later, he’ll get used to you leaving and then coming back, but that takes time to develop. In the meantime, having the leave-taking routine well established will help him to feel a sense of security.

It doesn’t matter what you do in this routine, just so long as it is the same every time. You can sit with the baby on your lap and talk with him about where you’re going, what you’ll be doing there, and when you’re going to be back. It doesn’t matter that he cannot understand you at this stage. It’s the sound of your voice that is comforting to him.

After spending time with your child, you can put him in his child seat or on a blanket on the floor or give him to the sitter or your spouse. Then you can put on your coat and get your things. Next, give him a pat, a kiss, and wave, saying whatever words of good-bye that you choose. “Bye-bye! See you soon! Be a good boy.” And then leave and do not return, even if the child cries. You’ve left him in good hands, and you’ll have to trust that he’ll calm down soon after you’ve gone (which he more than likely will). Going back only prolongs the crying.

Parents who feel that they may not be doing a good job as a parent or who feel guilty about leaving their child may be tempted to avoid going out and leaving a crying child. Or, they may be tempted to take the child with them to a destination that may be not be appropriate for the child—such as taking a toddler to a fancy restaurant. Parents must do their best, however, to withstand the crying and clinging. It is beneficial to the child to learn that his parent believes that he is capable of handling the sadness of the parent’s departure and that he is independent enough to be left with a sitter. The parent would do well to remember that it is only with repeated leaving and coming back that the child will come to understand that the parent is not leaving forever and that she can be counted upon to return after the temporary separation.

No matter how difficult leave-taking is for your child (and for you), don’t be tempted to sneak out while your baby is sleeping or absorbed in something else. The Prudent Parent knows that it is much better for the child to have a sense that he knows that his mother has left than to wonder what happened to her.