Monday, October 26, 2015
Taking an Indefinite Break for Some Important Work
It's been a while since I've written, and it isn't because I've lost interest in Prudent Parenting, it's because another project has come up that must take precedence for the time being. I have begun work on a large, pro bono consulting project at my local Head Start program. I don't know how long I will be occupied with this work, but it will be all-consuming for the foreseeable future. Once that project comes to a close, I will return to writing for this blog. Until that time, I can still be reached via email at HarrietDurlingKaplan@gmail.com.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Talking About Sexuality: High School
Teach your teen how to say, “no” if he is not ready for a sexual relationship. Talk about how easy it is to get a “reputation” by engaging in casual “hook-ups” and how difficult it is to say, “no” once you’ve said, “yes” to someone.
Family Circle magazine did a good piece this year that gave teens some snappy ways to say “no” when pressured to have sex. They suggest role-playing with your teen. Here are some of the suggested comments and responses:
He says: “If you really loved me, you’d have sex with me.”
She responds: “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t push me to do something that I don’t feel comfortable doing yet.”
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He says, “Everyone else does it.”
She responds: “No, they’re don’t. It just seems like they do because the ones who are doing it talk about it all the time, but most people aren’t doing it.”
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His friend says: “You still aren’t having sex? There must be something wrong with you.”
He responds: “What’s the big rush? It’ll happen when it happens.”
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His friend says: “You don’t want to get laid? You must be a wimp.”
He responds: “I’m just not doing things because everyone else thinks I should or because they have. That would be being a wimp.”
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His friend says: “Sex is fun! Go for it!”
He responds: “A few minutes of fun aren’t worth 18 years of responsibility.”
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She says: “If you loved me, you’d want to do it.”
He responds: “It’s because I love you that I can be honest with you and tell you that I’m not ready to have sex yet.”
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She says: “Most guys would be dying to sleep with me.”
He responds: “Look, it’s hard for me to resist. And you need to do what you need to do. But all I can tell you is that I’m just not ready.”
In addition to role-playing, you can set rules for your teen that will help him to say “no” if that is what he wants to do. Some rules that might help are as follows:
1. Observe the family’s minimum age for dating (encourage group get-togethers rather than “dates”) prior to age 14 (or freshman year in high school);
2. Don’t date anyone more than two years older or younger (or anyone younger than high school age) (this avoids the situation of the older member of the couple pressuring the younger member to engage in sexual activity);
3. Don’t entertain boyfriends/girlfriends in the bedroom;
4. Observe curfews; and,
5. Don’t use alcohol or drugs.
If your teen is in a loving, healthy, mature relationship, and he decides to extend that relationship to include sex, make sure that he follows the number one rule, which I call the “belt and suspenders” rule:
1. Always use two forms of birth control (one of which is a condom to prevent STDs).
In order to ensure that your teen uses birth control, you may want to go so far as to take him (or her) to the local clinic for a “family planning” talk and to obtain birth control. While this might be embarrassing for your teen (and, perhaps, for you), it is far better to be embarrassed than to have an unplanned pregnancy or an STD to deal with later.
Of course, if your value system doesn’t allow for you to accept that your teen might decide to have sex before marriage, then your number one rule should be, “just say no.”
References
http://www.guttmacher.org/media/nr/2014/05/05/
http://www.familycircle.com/teen/parenting/sex-talk/say-no-to-sex/
Monday, September 14, 2015
Talking About Sexuality: Elementary School and Middle School
When school-age children ask questions about sexuality, they should be given honest, straight-forward answers in a matter-of-fact way. By the age of nine, children should be given information about the physical and emotional changes that puberty brings. This leads naturally to a discussion about the basics of human anatomy and an explanation of the mechanics of reproduction. It is important to note that parents who begin discussions about sexuality beyond simply the mechanics of it prior to the onset of puberty have a greater impact on their children’s thinking about sexuality.
These discussions can include the idea that human sexuality is a complex process that has emotional as well as physical components. Parents who have such talks with their children can begin to transmit values such as that sex should be part of a mature, loving, healthy relationship.
Middle School (Ages 11 – 14)
If the topic has not come up previously, parents should begin conversations about sexuality no later than early middle school. Despite the fact that many schools have “family life” education, parents still play an important role in educating their children about sexuality. In addition to giving your tween accurate information about puberty, parents need to speak frankly and openly about the health and social benefits of making good decisions about sexuality.
Explain the value of having sexual intercourse in the context of a mature, loving, healthy relationship. Provide reasons for delaying sexual behaviors. Talk about your family’s values and your hopes and dreams for your child. Ask your tween about his goals for the future and help him to consider steps toward those goals. Discuss how an unplanned pregnancy would interfere with your tween’s plans for the future.
Ask your tween about pressures to engage in sexual behaviors. Ask questions like, “Do you feel pressure to engage in sexual behaviors of any kind?” Explain that waiting shows self-control and self-respect. Discuss the fact that abstinence is the healthiest choice and that it eliminates the possibility that the person is only interested in you for sex.
Discuss STDs and their transmission. Explore the use of contraceptives for birth control and protection from STDs. Explain that all birth control has a small failure rate and that abstinence is the only sure way of eliminating all risks associated with sexual behavior.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Talking About Sexuality with Children/Preschoolers and Sexuality
Before your child begins asking questions about sexuality, examine your own attitudes about the subject. Inform yourself about available resources (including children’s books) to help you discuss sexuality with your child. When questions arise, be honest and open. Use correct terminology when discussing body parts, and use a friendly and matter-of-fact tone of voice. When children ask questions, make sure that you understand exactly what is being asked before attempting to answer. You might want to start off by asking the child what he thinks he knows about the question. Then, you can clarify his understandings on the topic. This ensures that you will not provide more information than the child is able to understand and digest at his stage of development.
Preschool (Ages 3 – 5).
Most preschoolers express an interest in the sex organs of the opposite sex and ask questions about sexual matters (“Where do babies come from?”). Such questions should be answered as simply as possible using correct terminology. Before answering questions, it is a good idea to make sure that you know exactly what the child is asking so that you don’t give him more information than he really wants or needs to know. Ask your child what he thinks he knows about the topic first. Then, clear up any misconceptions that he has. Of course, you will need to have more detailed follow-up conversations when the child is older.
Children of this age may engage in imaginative play related to sexuality (“Let’s play doctor!”). Parents who become aware of this should remind the child in a friendly way that “we keep our clothes on in public.” In addition, most young children masturbate from time to time, some more than others. This behavior should be ignored unless it occurs in public, and then the child should be taught that it is a private behavior. (“I know that it feels good when you touch your penis, but we don’t do that in public; that is a private activity.”).The most important thing in all of this is that parents must try to respond to all sexual matters that come up without embarrassment or shame. Young children cannot understand the intricacies of human reproduction, but they can detect the feelings of the parents toward the subject of sexuality.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Risk Taking in School—The Foundation of Learning
While there are many factors the influence the degree to which a child is willing to take risks, the child’s experiences in school influence the way he approaches risk-taking. A teacher’s philosophy can affect the degree to which a child’s risk-taking behavior is rewarded or discouraged. When the right answer is rewarded over effort, risk-taking is discouraged. On the other hand, teachers who reward intellectual risk-taking encourage that in their students.
In addition to creating an overall climate of encouragement for risk-taking, the astute teacher takes into consideration each student’s areas of relative strength and weakness and individualizes her approach for specific children. Children vary in their cognitive abilities with some being more verbal, others more mathematical, and still others more spatial. Children also vary in their attentional abilities. In addition, children differ in their processing ability, including processing speed and memory (both long- and short-term). Most children have uneven learning profiles, that is, they do not perform at the same level in all areas, and they tend to avoid risk-taking in areas of relative weakness. Teachers who focus mostly on a child’s strengths can sometimes interest them in risk-taking in areas of relative weakness. Providing opportunities to take small risks in areas of relative weakness can be valuable for these children in the long run. (Davis, 2009)
While this is all true, children who are temperamentally risk-averse may struggle even in the most supportive classroom environments. My older daughter’s extreme perfectionism surfaced when she began to attend school. She somehow got the idea that she was always supposed to know the answer and that she was never supposed to make mistakes. These thoughts brought her to tears on many occasions, despite the fact that she was an outstanding student. Her perfectionism virtually paralyzed her when she was given a creative assignment in which there was no right answer. Her teachers were extremely caring and fully understood the value of intellectual risk-taking in school, yet Esther’s perfectionism persisted into high school and spilled over into the social and athletic realms. All of this is to say that even under the best of circumstances, sometimes one factor will weigh more heavily in a child’s risk-profile than all others. If this is the case, it takes time and experience for children to become better risk-takers, but it can be accomplished. As an adult, for example, Esther is highly risk-tolerant in most areas.
Parents can support their child's development of positive risk-taking in school by sharing with his teacher the child's experiences with risk-taking in the past. If the teacher knows that risk-taking is very difficult for your child, for example, she can provide significant support for even the most tentative of stepts in the direction of risk-taking. In addition, she can work to prepare your child for situations in which risk is unavoidable, such as in creative writing or in art projects. In addition, parents can talk with their child about risk-taking and about his reaction to it. The more he understands about his own risk-taking profile, the better able he will be to manage in school.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Parental Self-Understanding and Risk-Taking (Part 6 of 6)
Parents who are self-reflective are better able to encourage their children to develop a good risk-taking style. Through self-reflection, you can determine your own risk-taking style and consider how it impacts your child’s style. You can come to understand both how your individual temperament and your upbringing affect your risk-taking style.
A parent’s risk-taking style is made up of temperament, experience, and parenting style. Parents who understand their own approach to risk-taking are better able to learn to modify their own behaviors, if necessary, in order to encourage their children to become good risk-takers.
Parents promote good risk-taking by encouraging their children to grasp at life’s opportunities and by helping them to tolerate set- backs.
Parental Self-Reflection Checklist (Davis, 2009)
1. Is my child’s risk-taking behavior triggering uncomfortable feelings (e.g., anger, anxiety, fear, or sadness) in me at this moment? If so, what are those feelings?
2. Why is my child’s risk-taking behavior making me feel this way?
3. Is this an expected/familiar feeling or is it surprising/new?
4. How is my behavior/reaction toward my child’s risk-taking affecting my child?
In addition to reflecting on your own reactions to your child’s risk-taking, you should try to understand how your risk-taking style was influenced by your family of origin.
Family of Origin Checklist (Davis, 2009)
1. What was your own childhood like? Think of both happy and sad times as well as the times when you felt angry.
2. What characterized your relationship with your parents? Did your parents cause you to feel safe or insecure? Happy or sad? Calm or anxious? Accepted or rejected?
3. What was your parents’ style? Were each of your parents similar to one another or were they different from one another? In what ways?
4. Were your parents kind and generous or harsh and punitive?
5. Were your parents shy and withdrawn (introverts) or social and gregarious (extraverts)?
6. How did you feel about your parents? Were you generally proud of them or did they make you feel ashamed/humiliated by
their behaviors?
7. Are your attitudes, behaviors, reactions toward your children similar to or different from those of your parents toward you?
8. How did you parents react to the risks you took (or didn’t take)? Were they anxious, fearful, supportive, or authoritarian? How did they handle your positive risks? Your negative risks?
9. How were feelings and emotional reactions managed or avoided?
10. How were transitions and separations handled?
11. How was limit-setting approached?
12. How were strong feelings handled?
13. How was discipline handled?
14. How were issues related to achievement taught?
15. Were issues related to sexuality discussed or avoided?
Once you have reflected on your own risk-taking style and your risk-taking legacy, consider how these two things affect your attitudes toward your child’s risk-taking. If you have a tendency to want to hold your child back from taking positive risks, determine ways in which you can modify your behavior to support positive risk-taking in your child and to comfort him when those risks lead to set-backs, partial successes, or failures. Try to be proactive in this. Determine how you will react, if at all possible, before it becomes necessary to react. This will lead to better outcomes for your child.
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Development and Risk-Taking: Middle Adolescence (Ages 16 - 18)
Given that the teen may be involved in, or is contemplating getting involved in, a sexual relationship, parents should discuss this subject with their teen and should lay out the responsibilities and the possible consequences of this risky behavior. (Amundson, 1989) The Prudent Parent will have been proactive, so this topic will have been discussed previously, and conversations at this time will simply be continuations of ongoing conversations about sexuality. If this has not been the case, then parents must be very clear with their teen regarding the risks and responsibilities associated with sexual activity.
Putting off talking about the risks and responsibilities of early sexual activity until this late date is risky in itself.
In addition to risks involving intimate relationships, teens at this age risk learning to drive, risk stretching themselves academically with increasingly difficult courses at school, risk balancing schedules heavy with extra-curricular activities, and risk applying to colleges, which carries the inherent fear of rejection. Parents can help teens reduce these risks by ensuring that the teen is prepared for each challenge.
Taking a driver education course increases the teen’s competence as a new driver and reduces the associated risk of learning to drive. Taking seriously the prerequisite courses for AP classes and establishing good study routines helps to ensure that the teen is ready for the college-level work required of the AP student. Also, making sure that the teen does not load up his schedule with more AP courses than he can handle may be an appropriate intervention on the part of the parent Parents can also help by keeping an eye on the degree to which the student is over-scheduled and sleep-deprived. Teens, in an attempt to look good to colleges, can get in over their heads with advanced courses and extracurricular activities. It is the parent’s job to monitor this and to suggest strongly that the teen use good sense when taking on new responsibilities. Parents can also help teens manage the risk of applying to colleges by encouraging them to include on their list of colleges ones that they’d like to attend and to which they are very likely to be admitted (“safety schools”). If presented to the teen properly, this will not seem as though the parent has a lack of faith in the teen’s abilities. Rather, it will simply be seen as something that everyone does in order to be assured of a college placement.
In general, parents must walk a fine line between making clear their views on the various issues facing their teens and keeping lines of communication open (“This is what I think. What are your views?”). At this age, teens have a growing need for independence but must be monitored carefully. Parents should know where their teen is and with whom he is spending time, but the parents should give the teen as much freedom to come and go as he can handle safely. The greater his maturity, the greater freedom he should be given. In any case, the teen should be clear on family rules and the consequences for breaking those rules, but he should be involved in creating both the rules and the consequences.
The life of the middle adolescent is full of uncertainty, but that is not always a bad thing. When the teen struggles with uncertainty, he has the opportunity to demonstrate his ability to take on new challenges and to make choices. His successes boost his self-esteem. If his attempts are met with failure, however, he can feel anxious and uncertain. (Davis, 2009) Parents can help teens make good choices and decisions, however, and this will allow the teen to experience more success than failure. Parents can help by engaging in the following (Amundson, 1989):
• discussing with the teen potential problems/decisions;
• gathering more information about the problem/decision with the teen;
• helping the teen to generate alternative courses of action;
• helping the teen to examine the consequences of the various courses of action;
• considering the teen’s feelings and values; and,
• helping the teen choose the best decision/solution/choice.
Ultimately, the teen should be making the final decision/solution/choice, but with the parent’s help, he should be making more good decisions than bad, and this should boost his self-esteem. With each good decision, his ability to make good decisions in the future will be improved. The eventual goal is, of course, for the teen to be able to make good decisions on his own without the help of the parent.
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References
Amundson, K. (1989). Parenting Skills: Bringing Out the Best in Your Child. Arlington, VA: American Association of School Administrators.
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Early Adoldescence (Ages 14 - 16)
Bruno Bettelheim suggested that parents “accept odd, antagonistic, or otherwise unpleasant behavior without approving of it.” (Amundson, 1989)
Early adolescence is also a time for children to concern themselves with their sexual identity, and they may form early romantic relationships. In addition, the peer group becomes central to their lives, and their parents are relegated to a secondary (or tertiary) role. They also begin to question their parents’ values as well as community and social norms, and this can create conflict with parents. (Davis, 2009) The Prudent Parent makes her values clear to the teen, yet she is tolerant of the teen’s questioning and rejection of those values knowing that in all likelihood, this is a temporary situation. The teen must try out various value systems at this age, yet, in many circumstances, when the teen becomes an adult, he will, once again, adopt the parents’ core values as his own.
Opening one’s self up to another person is required in order to enter into an intimate relationship (either a friendship or a romance) with that person, and thus, the teen risks getting hurt. The parent can do little to prevent her child from experiencing these social hurts, but she can be there for the teen when they occur. Being available as a shoulder to cry on (without the “I told you so,”) is the job of the Prudent Parent. If the teen knows that the parent will be there to help pick up the pieces, he will be more willing to open himself up in the kinds of ways that are necessary to build strong friendships and other intimate relationships.
Also, when the teen expresses his beliefs, convictions, and ideas, especially if they are contrary to his parents’ beliefs, convictions, and ideas, he risks disapproval, denigration, and humiliation. On the other hand, if he expresses himself well, he may feel the positive feelings associated with self-expression and self-assertion including self-confidence and self-esteem. (Davis, 2009) It is part of the parents’ job to listen to and respect the teen’s beliefs, convictions, and ideas without necessarily agreeing with them
“I understand where you’re coming from, and I respect your views. I don’t agree with your conclusions and here’s why. It’s been my experience that . . .”
As the child matures, he will begin to size up situations and decide when and where to express his ideas in a public forum. He will eventually be able to determine when it is worth the risk to express himself and when it is not. Developing the ability to evaluate the situation and to decide to speak up or not is an important skill. (Davis, 2009) At first, he may need some gentle guidance from you (always behind the scenes) about the relative merits of speaking up at any given time and in any given place. For example, while it may be perfectly fine to express your ideas about sex, drugs, and rock and roll around peers, it is probably best to keep those ideas to yourself around grandma and grandpa.
The Prudent Parent takes all of this into account and, ideally, welcomes these changes. But if you cannot welcome them, try to tolerate them, at least. It is critical to the teen’s developing independence that he be able to express himself in a variety of areas. This does not mean that parents need to put up with disrespectful behavior, however (“It is fine for the two of us to have different ideas about various things, but it is not okay for you to speak to me disrespectfully. I go out of my way to be respectful of you and your ideas, and I expect the same consideration from you.”). Parents who do not respect themselves (and, therefore, do not command respect) often lose the respect of their teenage children.
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References
Amundson, K. (1989). Parenting Skills: Bringing Out the Best in Your Child. Arlington, VA: American Association of School Administrators.
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
I'm Writing to Myself . . .
First, my writing lacks the immediacy that other bloggers have who are writing from the thick of things as mommies in the trenches have attained. Unfortunately, I raised my children long ago, and I am writing from the distance of about twenty years, so I can't remember all of the stories to go along with the advice. Second, I jump around from targeting parents of infants to parents of teens to parents of elementary-age children to parents of middle schoolers. This makes it difficult for me to sustain an audience. I've got to find a way to figure this out. Who exactly is my audience? Finally, my writing and presentation lacks a certain amount of pizazz. I'm thinking of starting over from the beginning and trying to rewrite my previous posts with a little sex appeal, so to speak, before I write any more academic-sounding posts. Does anyone have any thoughts on this matter?
If anyone out there reads this and has any thoughts on this matter, I'd appreciate your honest feedback. Just lay it out. I've put on my big-girl panties, and I'm ready. Please comment on this post or email me at HarrietDurlingKaplan@gmail.com.
Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Middle School (Ages 11 - 14)
Emotional risks involve many areas of development, but risks associated with peers are paramount. It is risky to ask a girl to “go out” with you because you risk rejection. And because tweens/young teens will often talk about everything with their friends, you risk everyone knowing about the object of your affection’s acceptance or rejection of your feelings. Furthermore, if you are successful in your quest for closeness and intimacy, you feel socially competent and loveable. If you are unsuccessful, you may be overcome with feelings of rejection, isolation, and criticism. (Davis, 2009)
Academic risks are embodied in taking the risk of answering a question in class when you aren’t sure of the answer. Tweens/young teens need to learn how to make mistakes and to feel okay about doing so. The teacher’s response to mistakes is crucial in this realm. If the teacher praises the student’s thought process or his courage in attempting to answer a difficult question, the tween/young teen will likely feel okay about the attempt and will try again in the future. If the teacher only values correct answers, then the tween/young teen will be less likely to take a similar academic risk in the future. (Davis, 2009)
Parents can help their tween/young teen to counterbalance the negatives in his middle school experience (or to enhance the positives), by encouraging him to become involved in extracurricular activities. When he chooses to participate in those things that interest him or those in which he shows a particular talent, he will be encouraged to take good risks and will likely achieve the kinds of successes that lead to further risk-taking and that improve self-esteem. Whether the tween/young teen chooses the arts, sports, leadership, or something else doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he is encouraged to participate fully, to do his very best, to take pride in his achievements, to learn from his mistakes/failures, and to have fun.
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Elementary School (Ages 5 - 11)
The child at this stage is capable of meeting the requirements of school and of extra-curricular activities, but there are risks associated with attempts to master these new skills. Every time the child strives to achieve, he risks failure. But, success following risk of failure gives the child a positive feeling and adds to his self-esteem. Excessive failure, on the other hand, can leave the child feeling incompetent and hopeless. (Davis, 2009)
Interestingly enough, excessive success can also be damaging to a child. When situations that should be risky—playing sports, for example—are no longer risky because score is not kept and everyone gets a trophy at the end of the season just for showing up, any self-esteem that is gained is only temporary because it is a false self-esteem. In order to actually increase self-esteem, children must risk failure and occasionally meet with failure (or at least only partial success), so that a win actually means something. And so it is with other sorts of tasks at this age. Telling children that they are all “super stars” at everything eliminates the element of risk as well as the potential benefits.
Good risks that are associated with this stage include attempting to learn something new (the states and capitals, for example), going to a friend’s house for a sleep-over, asking a new friend over to play, writing a creative story, and trying out for the travelling soccer team. Bad risks include not studying for a spelling test, refusing to go on a school field-trip, calling out the answer in class, gossiping about the new child in school, copying another student’s idea for a story, and refusing to try to achieve something that he very much wants to achieve. (Davis, 2009)
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Preschool (Ages 3 - 5)
While it is still difficult to separate from the parent when she drops him off at preschool, the child at this stage is better able to tolerate the separation, in part, because his memory is better, and he can trust her to return to pick him up at a designated time (after nap or after lunch, for example). If the child is successful at mastering his separation anxiety, he can feel independent and capable. If he cannot overcome this feeling, he can be left feeling alone and frightened. (Davis, 2009)
Good risks associated with this stage include drawing a person, counting, learning the ABC song, and riding a tricycle. They also include spending the night at grandma’s house and making a new friend at preschool. Bad risks include scribbling on the wall, not participating in group activities at preschool, hitting another child, and running across the street without holding an adult’s hand. (Davis, 2009)
Throughout the period, the preschooler struggles with uncertainty. (“Will Joey play with me today?” “Can I climb to the top of the slide without falling?”) At times, he will experience the joy of success, while at other times, he will experience disappointment. (Davis, 2009) One of the parent’s jobs (and the job of the preschool teacher) is to ensure that the child’s successes far outnumber his disappointments. The more successful experience the child has with good risk-taking, the more likely he will be to take good risks in the future, and the more resilient he will become.
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Stages of Development and Risk-Taking: Infancy and Toddlerhood (Birth - Age 3)
Typical risks during this period include separation from the parent at daycare, which requires the infant/toddler to be able to tolerate feelings that are associated with this separation. At times, separation anxiety may be overwhelming to the child who does not yet have the ability to remember that his mother returned to pick him up yesterday and is likely to do so today as well. If the child has acquired the ability to self-comfort/self-soothe, he will be able to tolerate separation better than the child who has not developed these abilities.
Self-soothing and self-comforting are abilities developed at this stage and are useful at every stage of development following. While specific self-soothing behaviors change over time, they continue to help children cope with frustration and failure and with their willingness to take risks.
Another challenge at this stage is the ability to delay gratification. Children who accept delayed gratification risk not getting something that they want immediately. If they endure this successfully, they feel great pleasure once they get the thing that they waited for. If they are unsuccessful in this, they may be prone to temper tantrums, which can leave them feeling exhausted and helpless.
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Child Development and Risk-Taking (Overview)(Part 5 of 6)
Risk-taking follows a predictable developmental sequence. At different stages, children want and need to venture into unfamiliar territory. Specific developmental tasks of each stage correspond to common stage-appropriate risks. In addition, there are six “universal risks” that are present at each stage of development.
In order to understand your child’s risk-taking behavior, it is important to understand his stage of development. The next six posts should help with that understanding.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Temperament and Risk-Taking (Part 4 of 6)
Temperament, once thought to be static is now considered to be more fluid. As it turns out, the human brain is remarkable in its plasticity through the lifespan, especially during the early childhood years, and it can be affected by various environmental factors, including parenting. For example, a shy child can become more outgoing with help from a tuned-in parent. As temperament changes over time, so can risk-taking style. Parents have a great deal of influence on risk-taking style and can help their children learn to thrive in a complicated world.
Each child’s pattern of strengths and weaknesses is different, and parents need to be intimately familiar with their child’s temperament profile in order to offer appropriate guidance. Temperamental factors that are essential to the development of risk-taking exist on a continuum, and the more familiar the parent is with where her child falls on the continuum with regard to each of the six factors, the better able she will be to guide the child into positive risk-taking. (Davis, 2009)
1. Shy, reserved . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .gregarious, outgoing
2. Cautious . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . spontaneous
3. Calm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .volatile
4. Highly focused . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . distractible
5. Low energy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .high energy
6. Easily adapts to new situations . . . . . . . . . . . inflexible and rigid
The shy, cautious child needs parental interventions to provide small steps in risk-taking with the strong likelihood of a successful outcome. One success will build upon the next, and over time, riskier situations can be tackled. (Davis, 2009)
The inflexible child has difficulty with transitions and change. He can, as a result, be defiant and argumentative. Getting along with others may be difficult for him because of his need to be right and to win in every situation. This gets in the way of positive risk-taking and can lead to an unhealthy perfectionism. (Davis, 2009)
This child needs plenty of advance notice of transitions, and he needs to be made aware of what to expect during changing circumstances. The more positive experiences
he has with transitions and change, the better able he will be in the future to handle it and the more likely he will be to take risks during or immediately after a transition. In addition, this child needs to know that it is okay not to be perfect. One way the parent can help is to model the ability to handle imperfect outcomes (“Oops! That didn’t work out very well. I’ll just have to try again next time.”). Engaging in competitive sports is also a good way to help the inflexible child handle less-than-perfect outcomes. No one gets a hit every at bat, no one plays a perfect game in tennis every time, and no one wins a basketball game without the opposing team scoring a basket.
The impulsive, distractible, high-energy child may take risks without thinking them through. He may be aggressive when annoyed or frustrated. He may answer questions without thinking. (Davis, 2009) Parents must find ways to help this type of child to slow down and think before acting. When the child is winding himself up, try to intervene before his activity level reaches its peak. Develop and implement a calming ritual (“I can see that you’re getting yourself all worked up. Let’s take a moment to calm down. Let’s take a deep breath and then sing the ABC song together.”). If impulsivity is a problem in the classroom you might want to share this ritual with your child’s teacher so that she can use it to calm your child. In addition, it may be useful for you to become familiar with the techniques of Mindfulness Meditation and to teach some of them to your child.
The low-energy, inattentive child may have difficulty with positive risk-taking. He may float from one activity to another without engaging with any of them. He will not volunteer an answer, and may not even process the question. (Davis, 2009) It is crucial for you to intervene to help this type of child learn to engage with an activity for a more extended period. Play alongside your child. When he tries to change activities after only a short period of time, attempt to interest him in sticking with the activity for a while longer (“Let’s make a big castle with blocks before we put them away.”), and praise him for doing so (“You really made a beautiful castle. I’m glad that you stuck with it and made it really big. Let’s show it to Daddy when he gets home.”). Enlist the help of the child’s preschool teacher. Explain what you are trying to accomplish, and ask her if she will encourage your child to engage in a single center activity for a longer period of time.
In addition to understanding your child’s temperament profile, you need to understand the degree to which there is a good fit between your temperament and your child’s temperament, as this affects the development of risk-taking in the child. There is said to be a “goodness of fit” if the child is functioning in a healthy manner: doing well academically, socially, and emotionally. If the fit is not perfect, you can modify your temperament to improve that fit. The first step is to understand how your child’s behavior makes you feel and to understand that you must be patient both with yourself and with your child. Using self-reflection and listening skills will enable you to better understand yourself and your child.
Once you have determined that your child’s temperament is getting in the way of him taking risks, then consider ways in which you can modify your behavior to help your child. For example, if you have determined that your child is overly cautious and this inhibits his willingness to try new things (to take positive risks), you may have to overcome your own tendency toward over-protectiveness of your child in order to encourage positive risk-taking on his part. Start with small steps in the direction of encouraging your child to try new things (“Now that you’re three, you can climb the ladder to the top of the slide all by yourself.”), and do your utmost not to transmit your fears to him (“You can do it!”). Praise him when he takes small risks (“What a big boy you are! You climbed up to the top of the slide and slid down all by yourself! That’s great! Let’s see you do it again.”). As he achieves success with small risks, encourage him to take bigger risks, but proceed slowly, ensuring as much as possible, positive outcomes while you and he are gaining in confidence.
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
The Parent-Child Relationship and Risk-Taking (Part 3 of 6)
Risk-Taking Style
A child’s risk-taking style is the degree to which he welcomes physical, social, intellectual, or emotional risks. The way in which individuals approach risk is influenced by five factors. These factors are listed below. This list is followed by a detailed description of how each factor influences risk-taking style. In today's post, we explore the parent-child relationship and its effect on risk-taking style.
The five factors affecting risk-taking style include the following:
1. the parent-child relationship;
2. the temperaments of both the parent and the child;
3. the child’s age/stage of development;
4. the parent’s background and parenting style; and,
5. the influences of school and community.
1. The Parent-Child Relationship and Risk-Taking
It is in the context of the parent-child relationship that the child demonstrates and develops his risk-taking style. Knowing this, the parent must understand her own feelings about risk-taking, because interactions with parents influence the child’s risk-taking style. In order for the parent to know her own risk-taking style, she must self-reflect, and in order to know her child’s risk-taking style, she must know her child intimately. Part of getting to know the child involves the practice of listening.
Learning to listen well takes time and practice. Good listening involves paying attention to what is being said as well as to how it is being said, what is not being said, and what is being implied by non-verbal cues.
Honing our ability to listen to our children helps us distinguish between what our child needs and wants and our own needs and wants. Listening well helps us to understand our child’s individual temperament and his developmental stage. It also helps strengthen the parent-child relationship, which makes all other things possible.
When learning to be a good listener, it is important to consider whether or not our own agenda is interfering with our ability to “hear” our children. Are we pushing them into things because we want certain things for them? Are they enjoying the activity or are they telling us (verbally or nonverbally) that they’d rather be doing something else?
By listening well, we demonstrate to our child that what they are saying is worthwhile and that they are loveable enough to hold our full and undivided attention. While is natural for us to be more or less “available” to our children depending upon what is going on in our lives, it is critical to the child that we are “there” a good deal of the time.
This does not imply that we must micromanage our children’s lives. Micromanaging causes children to remain dependent upon their parents and on their parents’ approval long after they should be self-confident and independent. It simply means that we must be emotionally available to them when we are physically present.
By expressing an interest in our child and in how his day went, we learn more about what/how he thinks, what/how he feels, and what is important to him. It is through an understanding of these everyday experiences that we gain insight into our child, which enables us to guide him into positive risk-taking and away from negative risk-taking.
Some children are easier to “read” than others. With those who are not forthcoming with information, we must work harder to get to know them. We need to actively prompt them to talk about what‘s going on in their lives and to be on the lookout for the opportune moment to bring up certain topics. It is also important to know when to back off and allow them to process their own thoughts and feelings before expecting them to discuss those thoughts and feelings with us.
Listening well to our child builds connections with him and teaches him the give-and-take necessary for building other intimate relationships later in life. When the parent is emotionally available and empathetic toward the child, the child develops the inner resources to withstand, manage, and tolerate all kinds of feelings. He also learns that intimacy is comfortable and natural.
Empathy is an important part of good listening. The ability to put oneself in another’s shoes and to feel another’s feelings is a “profound gesture of understanding” and reflects a generosity of spirit because it can be painful to know the sadness and distress of another. By modeling empathy with our children and others, we aid children in developing empathy themselves. When a child is feeling another’s pain, it is tempting to “fix” the situation and relieve the child’s suffering, but it may be better to simply sit with the child and allow him to fully feel his feelings.
When we listen to our children, they may reveal undesirable qualities about themselves. It behooves parents to get to the bottom of these situations to understand what is being said or implied. If the child is bragging or being critical of others, for example, is it because he is feeling insecure about some aspect of his life? Asking questions to draw out more information while withholding disapproval may lead to increased understanding of the causes of these behaviors.
Ask your child for details. Make sure that you elicit how your child feels about the situation (anger, frustration, jealousy). Once you are clear on every aspect of your child’s undesirable behavior, you can express your disapproval of the behavior (not your disapproval of the child). Following that, you must decide on a fair and appropriate consequence for the behavior and then follow through with that consequence.
A consequence is not a punishment. Rather, it should be a learning experience. Help your child to understand how his behavior affected others (“How do you think Justin felt when you told him that you wouldn’t be his friend if he didn’t let you copy his homework? How did you feel about asking him to let you copy his work and pass it off as your own? What led you to do this rather than do the homework yourself?”). Once he is clear on what led to the behavior and how it affected others, you can come up with a fair consequence and help your child to make amends for his behavior. It may be appropriate to involve your child in coming up with the consequence (“What do you think an appropriate consequence would be in this situation? What would help you to think twice about doing this sort of thing again?”).
For some children, expressing feelings is difficult. Parental modeling of expressing feelings can help teach children to do this (“I’m feeling very worried about Grandma and Grandpa right now. I expected them to be here at five o’clock, and it’s almost six. Where could they be?”). We must encourage our children to feel their own feelings (rather than to feel our feelings) and to be able to verbalize them without fear of consequences.
Active listening is both an art and a skill that requires practice. A child who is heard can more easily put himself “out there” and attempt to accomplish something that he is not altogether sure he can do. A child who knows that his courage is appreciated whether or not he succeeds is more likely to take an emotional risk.
Listening well accomplishes the following:
1. it enables us to learn who the child is both temperamentally and developmentally;
2. it helps us see our children for who they are (not who we wish they were) and to let them know that we accept them;
3. it helps us see our children’s strengths so that they can be encouraged to take good risks in those areas;
4. it aids us in promoting the self-confidence to accept risks;
5. it conveys loving emotions; and,
6. it allows for more positive interactions and fun with the child.
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Risks Are Everywhere (Part 2 of 6)
When parents limit their child’s experiences to keep him safe from perceived threats, or when they do too much for their child in an effort to eliminate frustration and failure in school, they teach him to be overly risk-averse and to avoid new experiences. It is only by trying, failing, and trying again that good risk-taking begins to foster feelings of competence and confidence. Those children who engage in good risk-taking tend to be more internally motivated and resilient.
There is great social pressure for children to be successful (especially among affluent parents), and success requires emotional risk-taking. At the same time, there is pressure to protect our children from all that is “bad” in the world. How do parents resolve this conflict?
Risks are part of every learning experience. Whenever you “go for it,” and you put yourself “on the line” without knowing the outcome, you take risk. Of course, with every risk, there is the possibility of failure. But failure needs to be recognized as a normal part of life (“Oops! That didn’t work out, why don’t you try again later?”). A failure can be the best learning experience in that it can point us in a new, better direction. In other words, failures help us refine our judgment. (Davis, 2009)
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Uncertain World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Positive Risk-Taking in Childhood (Part 1 of 6)
All children have the capacity to become good risk-takers. The human brain is far more malleable than was thought 25 years ago. The development of the ability to take positive emotional risks is a part of the development of emotional intelligence and can be encouraged by parents. (Goleman, 1995)
Examples of children taking positive risks include the following (Davis, 2009):
• Leaving mother at the door of the daycare center;
• Singing a solo in the school chorus; and,
• Persisting in the study of math even though it is challenging.
“Good” risk-taking is the “ability to make the everyday decisions and choices that involve a conscious leap of thought, feeling, or action.” With risk comes the possibility of failure. All risks are a challenge, but not all challenges are risky. This is because each person has a risk-taking profile. What is risky for one person may not be risky for another. It is the act of moving beyond one’s comfort zone that constitutes risk. Experiencing uncertainty stretches us toward a new self-image that takes into account our previous experiences with risk. (Davis, 2009)
A good risk taker “goes for it” after thoughtful contemplation—he reaches beyond where he is to take on new challenges. Some children may do this naturally without much warm-up time; but other children may need to observe for a time to contemplate the task or to watch others attempt the task before beginning. (Davis, 2009)
While children may approach risk-taking differently, all good risk-takers tolerate failures and disappointments and tend to bounce back. Watching their children experience frustration and failure may be difficult for parents. As a result, parents may do too much for their child to minimize frustration and failure. One way that they do this is to become overly involved in the child’s school work in an attempt to stave off these feelings.
Some children may not be self-starters, and they may need help getting going on homework, or they may need encouragement in persisting in the face of frustration. They may also need guidance in getting organized and help staying focused. This is okay. But parents shouldn’t go so far as to take on a significant share of the responsibility for doing the work.
If the child doesn’t have a sufficient level of understanding to complete the assignment without extraordinary help on the part of the parent, the teacher needs to know this, and the child needs to be encouraged to ask the teacher for help. Over-involvement in completing homework robs children of the benefits of learning through mistakes (and it masks the need for the teacher to re-teach the material). In addition, learning to ask for help is an important skill. Some amount of frustration and even failure helps children to develop resilience. In fact, low-to-moderate frustration helps to inoculate children against stress-related difficulties later in life. (Davis, 2009)
A good risk-taker is tenacious. He will persist in the face of challenge and, he will work hard in anticipation of the good feelings associated with accomplishment. A good risk-taker takes pleasure in his accomplishments and is proud of himself. In fact, he can take pleasure even from partial success. He is realistic about his abilities, and when faced with partial accomplishment or failure, he strives to do better in the future. (Davis, 2009)
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References
Davis, S. and Eppler-Wolff, N. (2009). Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Healthy Risk-Taking in an Unceratin World. New York: Teachers College Press.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam Books.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
What is Your Child’s Temperament?
• Activity Level—how quiet or active the child tends to be;
• Predictability—the degree to which biological functions including sleeping patterns, hunger, and bowel movements are predictable;
• Adaptability—how quickly the child adapts to changes in routine;
• Reaction to New Situations—how the child initially reacts to a new person or an unfamiliar situation;
• Sensitivity—how sensitive the child is to potentially-irritating stimuli;
• Intensity—how strongly the child reacts to positive and negative situations;
• Distractibility—how easily the child is distracted (in either a positive or a negative way) by an unexpected stimulus;
• Quality of Mood—the amount of positive mood (pleasant and cheerful behavior) and negative mood (fussy and sad behavior); and,
• Persistence/Attention Span—how long the child will persist at a difficult activity without giving up.
These traits tend to cluster around three basic temperaments: “easy” (about 40% of children); “difficult” (about 10% of children); and, “slow-to-warm-up” (about 15% of children). Other children fall into some combination of the three types.
Children are classified as “easy” if they are easygoing, playful, predictable, adaptable, approachable, mildly or moderately sensitive, and generally positive in mood. They cry less and are soothed more easily. Easy children are generally a joy to care for and elicit positive feelings on the part of parents and caregivers.
“Difficult” children are just the opposite. They have erratic eating and sleeping patterns, they tend to be irritable, and they are harder to care for. They tend to be highly active, often refusing to nap. They adapt more slowly to changes in routine, and they tend to withdraw from new people or situations. They have short attention spans and are not easily distracted. They are highly sensitive and intense, and they spend more of the time in a negative mood. They tend to cry longer and harder and not easily comforted, and they are prone to temper tantrums. These children require understanding, patience, and consistency. “Difficult” babies tend to make parents feel inadequate, and they elicit less positive attention from caregivers. (Black, 1996)
The “slow-to-warm-up” child is often called shy. They are moody and adapt slowly to change and withdraw from new situations. These children have mild positive or negative reactions to caregivers, and they may resist physical displays of affection (such as cuddling). If pressured to join a group before he is ready to do so, the slow-to-warm-up child will cling to the parent or caregiver. (Black, 1996)
The infant’s temperament is either a good fit or a poor fit with that of the mother. When temperaments match, it is easier for the mother to be attuned to the child’s needs. When temperaments differ, interactions between mother and baby are, at times, less rewarding. Regardless of temperament, children need positive and responsive parenting. (Black, 1996) While challenging, even “difficult” babies can thrive if the mother is adaptable, resourceful, and resilient. (Hoghughi, 2004)
These individual differences, according to noted pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton, influence parents as much as parents’ expectations influence their babies. As parents come to know their baby during the first year of life, the stage is set for a lifelong relationship that is unlike any other. (Amundson, 1989) As children grow, the degree to which they demonstrate the nine traits that make up temperament determines the degree to which they will get along with others. In addition, perceptions of these traits on the part of others and their subsequent reactions contribute to the child’s self-esteem. (Black, 1996) Over time, and within the limits of the child’s innate temperament, parents can help their child to become a self-confident, independent, and responsible adult. Authoritative parenting techniques work well for children of all temperaments.
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References
Amundson, K. (1989). Parenting Skills: Bringing Out the Best in Your Child. Arlington, VA: American Association of School Administrators.
Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.
Dodson, F. and Alexander, A. (1986). Your Child: Birth to Age Six. New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Hoghughi, M. and Long, N. (2004). Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Talking So That Your Teen Will Listen and Listening So That Your Teen Will Talk
As I mentioned in an earlier post, car time is a great time to have conversations or to talk to your teen about things that are on your mind. And you may find other times when your teen is open to having discussions, but how do you begin if he is unwilling or unable to do so? Here are some pointers:
1. Ask open-ended questions to start conversations. Ask questions that cannot be answered with a “yes,” a “no,” or a “whatever.” For example, you can ask, “How did the class react to your presentation on surgery during the Civil War? or “What was the band’s reaction to trying to learn the new piece of music today?” or “When the team tried out that new defensive strategy, what did the opposing team do to try to score?”
2. Use what you already know about your teen’s life to find opportunities to spend time together that lend themselves to discussion. For example, you might say, “I know that there is a dance at school coming up. Which of your friends is planning to go? If you are planning to go, would you like to go shopping with me this weekend so that you can buy something new to wear?” or maybe, “I know that you’ve been wanting to learn to knit but that you don’t want me to teach you. There’s a weekend craft school in Ashville, and I was thinking of going to learn basic weaving. Would you like to go with me and take the knitting class while I take introduction to weaving?”
3. Listen carefully when your teen does open up. Make sure that you are clear on what your teen is trying to say by using reflective listening. Using “I-messages,” paraphrase what your teen says to you back to him. For example, “What I think you’re telling me is that Melinda barely listened to you when you tried to ask her out today. Is that right?” If your teen tells you that “you just don’t get it” or that “you aren’t listening,” then ask him to explain it to you so that you can understand. Then, try again to make sure that you understand.
4. Make sure that you don’t interrupt when your teen is speaking. Just as you want to be heard without interruption, your teen feels the same way. When he seems to be finished speaking, try asking him, “Is there anything else you’d like to tell me about that?” rather than jumping in to talk as soon as he pauses for a breath.
5. Stay calm and maintain a neutral tone of voice. If you want your teen to confide in you, you have to keep yourself from overreacting to what he is telling you. Remember, you do not always have to agree with or approve of what he is telling you or what he has done, but you need to accept what he is saying in order for him to feel comfortable coming to you in the future.
6. Stop what you are doing and give your attention to your teen when he talks to you. Unless you are driving your car or doing something else that requires your attention, stop what you are doing and give your full attention to your teen when he talks to you. By giving your attention to your teen, you demonstrate to him that what he is saying is important to you and that he is important to you.
7. Regularly reassure your teen that he can come to you with anything and that you will always love him. Remind your teen frequently that you will be there for him—no matter what. You can explain to him that while you might not always agree with his actions or with the decisions he makes, you will continue to love him.
8. Share your own life experiences and those of your friends with your teen. It may be helpful for you to share with your teen the fact that you did not always make good decisions as a teen, that you and your friends made mistakes, and that you sometimes suffered consequences for those mistakes. By opening up to your teen in this way, you may make yourself easier to relate to, and in doing so, you may find that your teen is more likely to share his own mistakes and worries with you. You probably needn’t be concerned that your teen will be shocked to find out that you were not perfect when you were his age. It is unlikely that he thinks that you are perfect now, so why would he think that you were perfect as a teen?
9. If, for whatever reason, your teen can’t seem to talk to you about his life, make sure that he has a trusted person in his life to whom he can relate. Maybe this is an aunt or uncle, or maybe it’s an older cousin. In rare cases, it may be a grandparent. No matter who it is, make sure that the person is available to the teen, is worthy of the teen’s confidences, and is likely to give sound advice when asked.
10. Try not to give unsolicited advice. If you are constantly stepping in with unwanted advice, your teen will cease to share his problems with you. In addition, it’s better to help the teen find his own answers than to have you solve his problems for him. Solving his problems for him does not give him practice in doing this for himself, and this only prolongs his dependence on you. He needs to struggle to find his own solutions in order to become independent. If he is facing a problem, and he can’t come up with a solution on his own, he may ask you for help. If this happens, you can offer some alternative ways of approaching the problem, but don’t be in a hurry to solve the problem for him. Let the decision about what to do be left up to him. And if he doesn’t solicit your advice, then stay out of it if at all possible.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Who Owns the Problem?
If the child owns the problem, the parent can help the child by using reflective listening to help clarify the problem (“What I hear you saying is that you are angry with your sister because she won’t turn down her music when you are trying to do your homework”). Then, the parent can help the child explore alternative solutions to the problem (“What are some different ways that you might be able to solve this problem?”). If the child cannot come up with a solution, you can help him by generating some ideas (“Perhaps you could make a deal with her that if she turns the music down for an hour each day, you will do one of her chores for her.” Or, “Maybe you can go to the library to study.”). If the problem is a complex one and the solution isn’t obvious, let your child know that you think the problem is a tough one, admit that you don’t know the answer, and offer to help him find a solution. No matter what, don’t step in and solve the problem for him, and make sure that you demonstrate faith in your child’s ability to solve the problem himself.
If you establish that the problem is yours, then you must determine for yourself how to solve it. It is helpful to your child if you can think about the problem out loud so that you model the steps you use in solving the problem. First, describe the behavior that is bothering you through the use of an “I-message” without attacking your child. For example, you might say, “When you and your sister fight about her music being turned up too loud when you are trying to study, I have a hard time concentrating on my work.” Then you can explain the consequence to your child of continuing the behavior and provide an alternative. “You two can either stop fighting and come to a mutually-acceptable resolution, or I will institute “quiet hours” from three o’clock until six o’clock every afternoon during which time there will be no music, no television, and no loud talking on the phone.”
The important thing about determining ownership of problems is that it gives children practice in solving their own problems in the supportive environment of the home. If you jump in and solve all of their problems for them, they will never have the opportunity to do this for themselves. On the other hand, once they have had sufficient practice within the family, they will be able to translate the skills they have learned and use them at school, in relationships with friends, and beyond. This all takes time, however, so don’t expect miracles. Be patient with them, and hold yourself back.
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References
Dinkmeyer, D. and McKay, G. (1989). The Parent's Handbook. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Keep the Questions and Comments Coming!
Thank you to all of you who have submitted questions and commments since I started blogging in May. Please keep them coming. I will continue to respond via email and to focus my posts on topics of interest to you. If you are interested in infants and younger children, let me know. If you are more concerned with adolescents, I can write more about that age group. I just need to know who you are so that I can focus on your needs. As a reminder, my email address is HarrietDurlingKaplan@gmail.com. Thanks again for your interest in Prudent Parenting!
What is Your Parenting Style?
The authoritarian parent is also known as the “traditional” parent. These parents are highly engaged with their children but are not very warm or affectionate. In general, they are not interested in the child’s point of view. “Because I said so” is a common response to a child’s question about why he has to do something or other. Authoritarian parents tend to enforce a strict set of rules that are neither designed to be responsive to the child’s needs nor created to promote independence. Punishment (which may include physical punishment) is used when children do not conform to rules and expectations.
Children of authoritarian parents tend to be obedient (at least while the parent is looking), conforming, and are often dependent on others for guidance. They also tend to have low self-esteem, poor social skills, and higher rates of depression. They often lack creativity and curiosity and may be aggressive in their relationships with others. (Levine, 2006)
Permissive parents are very warm and tend to be highly involved with their children. They often see themselves as less of a parent and more of a “friend” to their children. They also look at parenting as a collaborative effort between parent and child, and they allow their children to make many decisions for themselves, often from a very young age. The permissive parent is more responsive than demanding and is reluctant to exercise control over her child. Rules, if they exist, are not enforced consistently. Because they do not insist on appropriate behavior, permissive parents are likely to attempt to shield their child from the consequences of his behavior. Children have few responsibilities at home, and permissive parents often use reasoning and manipulation to gain cooperation from their children. These parents encourage creativity and curiosity.
Children of permissive parents tend to have high self-esteem, and they are both likeable and highly social. They tend to be somewhat immature and impulsive, and they may have difficulty considering the consequences of their actions. They also tend to be somewhat manipulative. In general, they have lower rates of academic success and higher rates of substance abuse than do children of either authoritarian or authoritative parents.
Authoritative parents are warm and accepting. They set clear and appropriate boundaries and expectations and explain reasons for rules and limitations. They are behaviorally demanding but also responsive to the child’s needs. They encourage verbal give-and-take. Authoritative parents provide support rather than criticism, and reasonable consequences are used to help children meet expectations. They place a high value on cooperation, self-management, independence, and responsibility, and they take notice of demonstrations of appropriate behaviors. They value achievement and internal motivation, yet they do not overly emphasize competition. They promote independence by helping the child to meet expectations on his own.
Children of authoritative parents tend to be socially adept and responsible. They are interested in others, and they tend to have a healthy sense of self. They have lower rates of both depression and substance abuse than do children from either authoritarian or permissive households. These children are better able to lead independent lives, enjoy a sense of competence, and maintain strong interpersonal relationships.
Prudent Parenting has its roots its roots in authoritative parenting. for more on the roots of Prudent Parenting, click here.
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References
Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Parenting Adolescents--Why Being Proactive Is Helpful and What To Do If You Haven't Been
While it is necessary for the parents to establish some rules for behavior that apply to the teenager, it is best for parents and teens to negotiate these rules together. If rules are imposed on the teen without his input, he is more likely to rebel, making the teenage years miserable for the entire family.
Before making rules, parents should take into account the level of maturity of the teen. Teens run the gamut from extremely mature to extremely immature and everything in between. The Prudent Parent recognizes that teens with a great deal of maturity need fewer rules than teens with less mature judgment. For example, when my daughters, who are now in their twenties, reveal to their friends that they didn’t have a curfew and that they were rarely punished when they were teens, their friends are amazed. But it’s true. Both girls were very mature, and with gentle guidance from me and their father, they made mostly good decisions when they were in their teens.
Our general philosophy was that if there was no need for a rule, then we did not make the rule. Our lack of need for rules and consequences was due, in addition to the girls’ level of maturity, to parenting earlier in our daughters’ lives. It was already assumed, for example, that they would be responsible for doing their homework each day regardless of what else they had going on. This necessitated that they would get home at a reasonable hour during the week, so there was no need for a week-night curfew. Because they had sports practices on weekend mornings, they needed to get home at a reasonable hour on weekends, too, so I never had to impose a weekend curfew, either.
It was also assumed that they would not smoke, drink, or take drugs, because these things were unhealthy/illegal and that they would never get into a car with someone who had been drinking or taking drugs because that was potentially life-threatening. They knew that they could always count on me to come and pick them up, no matter what the time or the circumstances, no questions asked, so they were never tempted to get into a car with an impaired driver. And by the time they were in high school, we had already had many conversations about birth control, the consequences of early sexual experiences, and sexually-transmitted diseases, and we continued to have those discussions during high school.
My point here is that if your child is on the mature side, and if you have been proactive during your child’s tweens and early teens, the later teens will be less difficult to manage. If this is your situation, don’t make unnecessary rules just because you think that you have to. Always adjust your actions to match your circumstances. If you have been less proactive or if your child is not quite so mature, you can deal with the situation through lots of discussion, negotiation, and through a technique known as “contracting.”
It is very possible that you and your teen will have very different ideas about what is acceptable and what is not on a whole variety of issues. If so, then seriously consider which thing you can give in on, which ones are negotiable, and which ones are non-negotiable. While you may have different opinion about things like clothes and hairstyles, latitude should be granted on these rather unimportant issues. Teens need to be able to make decisions about their own lives to some degree, and these sorts of things have little real importance. Firm resolve should be reserved for non-negotiable, life-or-death matters such as not getting into a car with a driver who has been drinking or taking drugs.
There are many things that fall in between these two extremes and should be negotiated by parents and teens. These may include things such as rules about dating, curfew, homework, having friends over, chores, and myriad other matters. Each of these should be discussed, with both the parent’s and the teen’s wishes being taken into account and with an eye toward reaching a compromise that is tolerable to both parties. After a compromise has been reached, a consequence for failure to comply with the rule should be agreed upon, as well. If the teen agrees to both the rule and the consequence, he is more likely to see them as fair and reasonable than he is if they are simply imposed upon him, and he is more likely to comply with the rule or submit to the consequence. Of course, rules should be revisited as circumstances change and as the teen demonstrates increasing levels of maturity.
In addition to negotiation, a technique called “contracting” may be used with teens to good effect. If there is something that you want the teen to do on a regular basis such as mowing the lawn, you can get him to do it by agreeing to do something that you might not otherwise do for him in return. For example, he might have a 10:00 p.m. curfew on weeknights, but he might have a television show that he and his friends like to watch that doesn’t get over until 11:00 p.m. on Thursday nights. You could agree to pick him up at 11:00 p.m. on Thursday nights at his friend’s house if he agrees to mow the lawn on Saturday mornings. Once agreed upon, you write this up in the form of a contract, which you both sign, and you post it in a conspicuous place.
In addition to adopting positive parenting techniques such as discussion, negotiation, and contracting, it is important for parents of teens to avoid what has become known as “helicopter parenting.” This does not mean that parents should neglect their teens or stay out of their lives entirely. It simply means that they should strive to give the teen as much ownership of his own life as possible. If parents hold on too tightly (or hover too closely), the inevitable rejection will be greater and skirmishes will turn into battles because the process of separation must occur. And if parental over-involvement squashes healthy rebellion, then all that is left is unhealthy rebellion involving such things as early and multiple sexual partners, smoking, drinking, and taking drugs.
One of the parent’s jobs is to welcome the emotional distance that the teenager is putting between them while continuing to provide security and an emotionally safe place to which the teen can return when life gets too stressful. For example, when my daughters were in high school, they were both on the tennis team, and I never missed a “home” match and attended many “away” matches, as well. On the other hand, I never contacted one of their teachers, allowing them to negotiate, on their own, all of the issues that came up in school. I did, however, provide moral support by being there to talk things through with them when they sought me out or asked me for advice. By allowing them to “fight their own battles,” I gave them the clear message that I thought them capable of doing so, and they learned to manage their own lives with the emotional safety net of me and their father at home to support them.
Parents who intervene at every turn—when their teen gets less than an “A” on a test or a paper, for example—give their teen the idea that they do not think them capable of managing their own lives. And when this happens repeatedly, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and the teen becomes incapable of dealing with issues that arise without the parent stepping in. Overly-involved parents often continue their over-involvement throughout high school and into college and beyond, effectively hampering the development of their teen/young adult child.
The Prudent Parent seeks to balance spending time with her teen and being involved in her teen’s life with encouraging the teen to become increasingly independent while he still lives at home where there is safety and security. If the parent can do this successfully, the teen will be prepared to manage his life in college (with the occasional phone call, email, or text message to the parent) independent of his parents. In other words, it is the parent’s job is, to a large degree, to work herself out of a job.
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