Changing our Reactions to Parenting Stress

In addition to recognizing that they need help in caring for their children, parents also need help in modifying their reactions to stress. In our evolutionary history, stress came from external threats. In today’s society, most “threats” come from within. Under emotional stress, our bodies react as if there were actual physical danger. This is the “fight-flight-freeze” reaction. This automatic reaction to stress short-circuits our parenting skills, which involve “executive functions” in the frontal cortex such as observing, organizing, planning, and seeing things from multiple perspectives. (Bogels, 2014)

It takes effort to react less automatically to stressful situations. The tendency to react automatically is exacerbated by the fact that many of us are in “overdrive” most of the time. If we are not doing, achieving, or striving, we feel self-critical, inferior, or useless. At the same time, our drive to seek contentment/attachment is underactive. Only a few activities like breast feeding and lovemaking, which are associated with the production of oxytocin, the “anti-stress” hormone, give us a feeling of contentment and calm after stress. (Bogels, 2014)

Excessive drive and an overactive threat system leads to stress, and an underactive contentment/attachment system cannot keep pace. Mindfulness training can help. If we can shift from “doing” mode with our children into “being” mode with them, both drive and threat systems can be reduced, and contentment/attachment system can be strengthened. This enables us to build a stronger attachment to our children, which, in turn, fuels contentment. (Bogels, 2014)

As it turns out, dealing with stressors is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. If we are under stress, we may be less attentive to our child and we can be impatient and short-tempered with him. In fact, some of our “worst parenting moments” come when we react automatically to situations (e.g., overreacting to a child’s misbehavior; overprotecting when we feel anxious). We can slow down these automatic reactions if we pause before reacting to situations that stress us. Pausing allows us to engage the executive function part of our brain through which we can see the situation in all of its complexity, judging the situation accurately, and planning an appropriate response. In other words, in this moment, we can choose to react (or not to react) and determine how to react rather than to react unthinkingly. (Bogels, 2014)

In addition, when under stress, couples may not be able to support each other as parents, and, unsupported, parents may react in unhelpful ways. Irritability with each other can spill over to our responses to our children, and a lack of feeling of closeness with our spouse may lead us to become too close to our children, which does not give them the emotional space to become independent. (Bogels, 2014) Furthermore, stress also may lead us to fall back on parenting the way we were parented, which may or may not be what we intend.

Choosing to be present in the moment when we go about the daily care of our children reduces stress. For example, fully enjoying routines such as bathing, feeding, and dressing the infant allows us to savor the little moments that pass all too quickly. Part of being able to enjoy our day-to-day interactions with our child is being able to put ourselves in “being” mode rather always being in “doing” mode.

“Doing” mode is our problem-solving, goal-oriented approach to life that enables us to get things done. Being in “doing” mode all of the time is exhausting, both physically and emotionally. In addition, being physically present but mentally elsewhere negatively affects the relationship with the child. If we do not value the slower pace of “being” mode, we can feel guilty, incomplete, or frustrated because we feel that we are not doing enough. This can lead us, as children get older, to rush the child from activity to activity and forgetting that with children, it is the journey rather the destination that matters. (Bogels, 2014)

Operating in “being” mode more of the time is beneficial for both ourselves and our children. We are more present for the little joys inherent in parenting, and we show more empathy toward ourselves and our children when we are in that state. The goal is not to eliminate all automatic parenting, but it is to become more aware of the times when we are parenting automatically and to try to determine if they are adaptive or not. If they are not adaptive we might consider choosing a different path. (Bogels, 2014)

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References

Bogels, S. and Restifo, K. (2014). Mindful Parenting: A Guide for Mental Health Practitioners. New York: Springer.