Protection and Over-Protection of Young Children: Implications for Independence

As every parent knows, it is their job to protect their child from harm. While this is certainly true, Prudent Parents know that it is possible to go too far in protecting one's child. It is unhealthy for the child to protect him from all of the vicissitudes of life. He must begin to deal with life’s challenges on his own in order to feel both a sense of self-confidence and of self-efficacy. These are important steps on the road to independence.

While highly attentive parenting of infants builds trust and is critical for the development of “secure attachment,” there is such a thing as the too-attentive parent for older babies and children. For example, once the child is between 3 and 6 months of age, there is benefit to giving him a few minutes to attempt to soothe himself before responding to his cries. This does not mean abandoning him or leaving him to “cry it out.” It simply means that you don’t need to run at top speed the minute your older baby starts to whimper in his crib. Wait a few minutes until his cries become lusty, then go and attend to his needs.

During the second half of the first year, occasionally respond to his cries by speaking to him from another room first and letting him know that you’ll be there in a minute or two. This reassures him that you are not ignoring him, but it gives him the experience of waiting a short while before getting his needs met. By this time, he has developed the trust in you that will allow him to postpone gratification briefly. The ability to delay gratification is a skill that he will develop more fully and that will serve him well in the future.

Toddlers certainly require supervision, as they will get into anything and everything, but the best supervision is a toddler-friendly, child-proofed area of the house. If the parent has put away the breakables, removed all of the attractive nuisances, and looked at the space from the toddler’s perspective, she can safely allow the child to play in that space without hovering over him. Parents who allow toddlers to play independently in these spaces have more independent toddlers.

For older children, a great place for increased autonomy is the playground. Find a well-designed, safe playground, and let your preschooler have at it. Sitting by while your child plays on the various climbing apparatuses, swings, and slides allows the preschooler a sense of freedom. I have seen parents hover over their children on playgrounds, but this is both unnecessary and harmful to the child’s growing need to be independent. Anxious parents create anxious children.

My rule of thumb was that if my daughters could get up onto a piece of equipment on their own, they were allowed to climb on it. Sometimes they’d fall, but I’d resist the urge to immediately run to them. I’d wait a couple of seconds, and when they’d look over at me, I’d say, “no blood, no foul,” smile reassuringly, and they’d be back on their feet climbing again in no time.

Young children take their cues from their parents. If the parent looks worried when the child looks over, the child will inevitably start to cry, and then the mother will rush in to help. Again, this is unnecessary and damaging to the child’s sense of autonomy. If the parent thinks that the child cannot do something, then the child will become fearful. If the parent, on the other hand, demonstrates an attitude of reassurance, the child will get right back up and try again.

At preschool, these children are independent enough to know when it is appropriate to get up and keep playing after a fall and when it is necessary to turn to their teacher and seek care when they are hurt. They also often encourage others to get back up and keep playing unless they are actually in need of care. In this way, everyone becomes more independent.