By middle school, self-care should be up to the child, and there should be little need to supervise him in the completion of regular routines.
For example, the tween will be so used to the morning routine by then, he’ll be able to do it in his sleep (which the sleepy tween may, in fact, have to do).
Of course, at this age, the tween may want to make changes to the previously-established routines so that they serve his needs better, but that should be up to him. For example, he may want to do his homework in the evening rather than immediately after school, or he may want to shower in the morning so that he doesn’t have to go to school with “bed head,” and so on.
In addition to updating and following daily routines, the tween should be responsible for doing regular household chores (see 6/26/15 blog post) and should be learning to set realistic goals and to put forth significant effort in pursuit of those goals. The goals may be school-related (earning a good grade on a test by studying hard for it), sports-related (practicing foul shots at home so that he can make the basketball team), or related to other areas of endeavor (such as practicing a musical instrument diligently so that he can play in the school orchestra). Help the tween develop self-efficacy by regularly discussing with him the relationship between hard work and success.
At times, tweens will experience setbacks in their progress toward goals, and parents will need to be cheerleaders. Letting your child know that you have faith in his ability to meet challenges and to achieve in the face of difficulties will help him to persevere and to maintain the positive attitude necessary to master challenging tasks. While praise for doing every little thing becomes unnecessary (and unhelpful) as children develop their own internal sense of self-efficacy, parental noticing, discussion, and occasional specific praise is welcome and
important (“You’re doing a great job managing your time and getting your homework done given all of your outside activities.”).
Teens
It almost goes without saying that by high school, your teen should be on his own in terms of getting ready for school, doing his homework, and managing his other responsibilities and commitments. If this is not the case, then the parent should strongly consider how she has approached the topic of responsibility (see blog posts from 6/24/15 through 6/26/15) with the teen. She should discuss the topic of responsibility with the teen and seriously consider allowing the teen to experience the natural consequences (5/31/15) of a failure to live up to his responsibilities (6/25/15). It is important to understand that as a parent, you are not doing your teen any favors by constantly rescuing him in an attempt to eliminate all failure (6/7/15) from his life.
If you have consistently encouraged your teen to do for himself and to live up to his responsibilities, by this point in his life, he should have a strong sense of self-efficacy/self-esteem. This will enable him to undertake new and difficult tasks with confidence (“I can learn to drive with instruction and practice.”). It will also allow him to understand the fact that the activities that provide the most satisfaction (and, thus, the most self-esteem) are those that are the hardest to achieve (“I want to sit first chair in the clarinet section, so I need to practice at least an hour every night”).
In addition, strong self-esteem/self-efficacy enables teens to deal with the inevitable setbacks in their progress toward goals. Furthermore, a teen with strong self-esteem and self-efficacy will be less affected by peers, although peers will still make an impression. The Prudent Parent knows that a teen with well-developed self-esteem and self-efficacy is less likely to become overly dependent on peers to determine his behavior.
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