1) When talking to a child, be sure to have his full attention before beginning. Speak in complete sentences, get down to his level, and make eye contact. Also, use a calm, yet firm, tone of voice, and touch him gently.
2) When you give directions to a child, make sure that he knows what you want him to do. Your child may appear defiant, but he may just be confused. (Wetzel, 1990) Try beginning directions with, “I need you to . . . ” rather than just issuing a command as in, “Put away your clothes.”
3) Avoid using negative forms of communication. Some talking interferes with communication: reminding, nagging, cajoling, threatening, lecturing, probing, and ridiculing all make communication more difficult. Rather than judging, evaluating, moralizing, or criticizing when children speak, try to become a more effective listener instead.
4) Use effective listening techniques to improve communication. Listening effectively begins with accepting what the child says even if you disagree (“What I hear you saying is that you believe that your sister is being mean to you for no reason.”). It also means using active listening techniques such as reflecting and clarifying (“I think that what you’re saying is that you don’t like it when your sister locks you out of her room. Is that right?”). Effective listening also means that you recognize and label your child’s feelings (“I can tell that this makes you both angry and a little bit sad.”). And encourage the child to keep talking (“Are their other ways in which you think that your sister excludes you?”). Also respond with open-ended responses that leave the door open for more discussion (“Next time this happens, please let me know before you start banging on her door so we can talk about it.”). Sometimes these discussions lead to the next step, which is exploring alternative solutions. (Dinkmeyer, 1989)
5) Instead of giving advice, try exploring alternatives. Giving advice leads to increased dependence on you. Instead of giving advice, help children consider various ways of handling particular situations. First, use reflective listening to understand and clarify the child’s feelings. Then, help the child explore various alternatives through brainstorming (“What are some ways that you could handle this situation in more productive ways?”). If your child does not generate enough ideas on his own, offer some tentative alternatives (“Perhaps you might consider not interrupting when your sister is trying to do her homework.”). Then, help your child choose from among the alternatives and discuss possible outcomes of the decision (“If you decide to leave her alone while she’s doing her homework, maybe she would play with you when she’s finished.”). Finally, obtain a commitment and plan a time to evaluate the solution for its effectiveness (“Okay, so you’re going to ask her to play a board game with you after she finishes her homework, right? Let’s see if that works. Shall we talk about it after dinner to see how it went?”). (Dinkmeyer, 1989)
6) Accentuate the positive by always being warm and supportive. When your child asks a question, answer openly and honestly. If the question is unclear, ask clarifying questions. (Wetzel, 1990) If the question makes you uncomfortable, don’t overreact, just tell your child that you need to think about the answer first, and do just that. Follow up by answering the question as soon as possible.
7) Communicate affection with smiles and hugs as well as with words. Even if your child behaves in a hostile manner, respond with love. “I hate you. You’re the worst mother ever!” can be responded to with “I can tell that you’re angry with me right now, but I still love you.” (Wetzel, 1990)
8) Use “I messages” when speaking with your child. Rather than criticize your child, state clearly how your child’s behavior is affecting you. “I don’t like it when you speak to me in that tone of voice. I’d much rather you spoke to me kindly.” (Wetzel, 1990)
____________________________
References
Dinkmeyer, D. and McKay, G. (1989). The Parents' Handbook. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service.
Wetzel, L. (1990). Parents of Young Children: A Parent Education Curriculum. St. Paul, MN: Toys 'n Things Press.
No comments:
Post a Comment