Terrible twos or terrific twos? Which is it? It depends on how you look at it. Toddlers are active, curious, and full of fun. They are also willful and stubborn. This is because the toddler stage is a transitional stage between infancy and childhood. Between the ages of one and three, the child often has one foot firmly planted in each stage and will move back and forth between stages on a daily basis before he finally settles into childhood. It takes a patient and thoughtful parent to guide the child from infancy into childhood through the sometimes turbulent waters of toddlerhood.
When parenting a child who is in the middle of the toddler stage, it may be comforting to know that the rebelliousness and the defiance that are characteristic of this stage are actually positive steps on the child’s road to increased independence. What makes this stage particularly difficult for both the toddler and his parents is the fact that the toddler cannot control his emotions. This can lead to temper tantrums, which are exhausting for both the child and his parents. Fortunately, while a child of this age cannot control his feelings, he can learn to control his actions.
The best approach to helping the toddler learn to control his behavior involves the following:
1. allowing the child to make some choices every day;
2. planning ahead to help the child want to do what you want him to do;
3. making and enforcing a few simple rules;
4. preventing misbehavior through environmental controls; and,
5. using “timeout” to enforce rules when other methods of discipline are ineffective.
Making Choices
Toddlers want to be “in charge” of their own behavior. Yet, they are not old enough to make good choices without guidance. The Prudent Parent provides many opportunities guide the toddler in making decisions about a wide variety of things. By creating these opportunities, you give the child the feeling that he is in control of himself, and the less out of control he feels, the less likely he will be to end up trying to exert control via the temper tantrum.
For example, when helping the toddler get dressed, ask him, “Do you want to wear your blue shirt or your yellow shirt?” When preparing his breakfast, ask him, “Do you want toast or cereal?” When deciding what to do during playtime, ask him, “Do you want to play at McIntire Park or Sunset Park?” In each case, both choices are acceptable to you, and your child has the opportunity to make a decision for himself. Providing choices like this is vastly preferable to getting into power struggles with a two-year-old over every little thing.
Planning Ahead
Planning ahead can also prevent a lot of problems from even starting. If you can manage to get your child to want to do what it is that you want him to do, so much the better for everyone. For example, if you know that your child likes to paint, but you can’t always supervise this messy activity, don’t give him the opportunity to choose painting when it is inconvenient for you.
First of all, store the painting supplies in an out-of-sight location--out of sight, out of mind. Then, for example, before putting him down for his nap, ask him whether he wants to play outside with you on the swings, whether he wants to play in the sandbox, or whether he wants to play with blocks after he wakes up. This gives him the opportunity to make the decision about what he will do from among options that are agreeable to you and doesn’t introduce the possibility of painting into his consciousness.
If, despite only offering him equally-acceptable alternatives, he demands to paint, instead of saying “no,” offer him the opportunity to paint later when it is more convenient for you. If he throws a temper tantrum because his desire to paint now is being thwarted, then let him know that he can choose to calm down and paint later or he can continue to fuss and not paint that day at all. If your child knows, without a doubt, that you mean what you say, this may give him sufficient reason to stop fussing and allow him to save face.
But what is it that makes a toddler react with total indignation when told “no?” Toddlers live, for the most part, in the present. For them, if they can’t do it now, they’ll never be able to do it. Hence, the overreaction. This is when it is important to teach the toddler that when you say, “not now, but later,” you actually mean what you say. The more times you make the promise of “not now, but later” and keep that promise, the more quickly the toddler will learn that he can trust what you say in this regard, and the more likely he will be to be willing to delay gratification of his wishes.
Making and Enforcing Rules
Making a few hard-and-fast rules can also help the toddler behave appropriately. When making rules, it is important to make only ones that are really necessary for the health, safety, and well-being of the child. The more rules you make, the more you have to enforce, and spending every day enforcing rules can be tiring for even the most dedicated parent.
Still, there are rules that must be enforced. For example, if the toddler won’t stay buckled in his car seat, you should pull over at the first convenient spot and explain that you cannot drive unless everyone is buckled in. Explain that this is the law, and that everyone must abide by it. Do not begin driving if he is unbuckled. It won’t take having to do this too many times before your toddler comes to accept that his rule is unbreakable.
One thing that I noticed when I was parenting toddlers is that when you are managing a toddler’s behavior day in and day out, it is easy to fall into the habit of either giving in to everything to avoid a tantrum or saying “no” to everything out of habit. Each time the toddler does something that you immediately react to by saying “no,” ask yourself whether it is important for the child to be prohibited from doing whatever it is. If there is really no good reason to say “no,” consider saying “yes.”
Before saying “no,” ask yourself the following questions:
1. Is it unsafe for my child to do this? (e.g., riding his tricycle in the street, walking across the street without holding an adult’s hand, or playing in the kitchen without supervision)
2. Will this behavior impinge upon the rights of others? (e.g., climbing on the dinner table, talking during a movie in the theater, or running around a restaurant)
3. Does saying “yes” to this set a precedent for the future that I’d rather not set?
If the answer to these questions is “no,” then consider saying “yes” to your child. Reserve “no” for those times when it is truly important for you to do so. Remember, no one ever said that parenting a toddler is easy. For more on making and enforcing rules, see posts from 30 May 2015 through 31 May 2015.
Using Environmental Controls
Environmental controls can be a useful alternative to making and enforcing a lot of rules. Environmental control means setting up the environment to promote the child’s success. For example, in order to give the child the most freedom in his environment possible, which is important for his sense of autonomy, it is best to “child-proof” several rooms in the house and designate those rooms as being the toddler’s rooms. Having areas in the house where you don’t have to continually say “no” to the child allows both you and he to have more positive experiences throughout the day.
When “child-proofing” a room, you must look at it from the perspective of a curious, active toddler and remove items that are breakable, delicate, or dangerous to the child. If you don’t want books pulled off of the shelves and scribbled upon, then remove them from book shelves. Don’t display items that may be attractive to a toddler on high shelves, as he will be tempted to climb up on something to get them. Kitchen items that are dangerous should be kept in drawers or cabinets with childproof locking mechanisms on them.
In addition to “child-proofing,” it is important to ensure that your child is not hungry or tired before attempting to do anything with a toddler. Making sure that his physical needs have been met before undertaking any activity (such as taking the toddler grocery shopping, to the library, or to a play-date) is part of environmental control, and is, therefore, critical to his success.
Don’t be surprised to find that your toddler is constantly figuring out new and different ways to get into mischief. You’ll need to be on your toes to stay one step ahead of the active toddler. It is important for your sanity to try to look upon these developments as evidence of the child’s increasingly sophisticated problem-solving skills rather than simply as defiance.
Despite your best efforts, your child will still rebel from time to time. It is a natural part of the drive toward independence and is to be expected. When confronted with rebellion, it is important not to “get into it” with your child. If your decision is nonnegotiable, then simply restate what your child must do in a firm, yet friendly tone of voice. (“I need you to put away your toys now and get ready to go to Grandma’s house.”). You may have to repeat yourself several times before your toddler understands that you are not giving him a choice. This is called the “broken record” technique. I have used this method successfully in with noncompliant students over the years, and it usually works. In any case, it is infinitely better than trying to win an argument with a two-year-old
Timeout
When all else fails, and your child gets into mischief, breaks a rule, or throws a temper tantrum, a timeout may be necessary. See the post from 1 June 2015 for a comprehensive look at the mechanics and usefulness of timeout.
Conclusion
The period between the ages of one and three can be a challenging one, but with the right tools in your parenting toolbox, it can also be gratifying. It is satisfying to see your child go from being a dependent infant to a more independent young child. During this period, the toddler becomes better able to communicate, and once he can make his wishes known, he becomes more in control of his emotions. While it is difficult for him to control his feelings, once he can name them, he is on the way toward mastering them. In any case, it is possible to help the toddler control his behavior. Be patient and hopeful, and recognize that the “terrible twos” are sometimes the “terrific twos,” and in either case, they don’t last forever.
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