The mother’s job is to love her child unconditionally, to care for him, to accept him for who he is, to comfort him, to protect him, and to help him negotiate his world. Consistency of care is very important in infancy, as is adapting care to the infant’s personality. The baby is not “spoiled” by continuous care by the mother. Rather, it is this loving care that enables him to develop a strong relationship with his mother and to build relationships with others sooner. (Furman, 1987)
The relationship with the mother leads to the physical and emotional well-being of the child as well as to the development of his personality and intellect. Furthermore, it paves the way for all future relationships—both within the family and in the world. Through his relationship with his mother, the child learns to love himself, and loving oneself is critical to later development. Other aspects of relationships that grow from the first relationship with the mother include loyalty, consideration, and a willingness to forgo some of one’s own gratification for the sake of a loved one. (Furman, 1987)
It is important to note that the primary relationship must not be overly diluted with substitute care because it is the essential relationship that underpins so much of what comes later. (Furman, 1987) Does this mean that no one other than the mother can provide care for an infant? No it does not. It simply means that the mother should be providing the lion’s share of that care, especially during the first three months.
Because being the primary caregiver to an infant is such a time-consuming task, it can be overwhelming. How can mothers prevent burnout? First, it helps if the mother is aware of one of the major pitfalls of being the primary caregiver to an infant—sleep deprivation. So, if she doesn’t have an older child to care for, the mother should sleep when the baby sleeps in order to avoid exhaustion.
Second, no matter how many children she has, the mother benefits from understanding that she doesn’t have to be 100% attentive to the baby at all times. Needs only require fulfillment when they assert themselves. For example, feed the baby only when he’s hungry; expect him to sleep only when he’s tired; play with him when he is alert and active. At times, the baby is happy to simply be in sight of the mother. (Furman, 1987) When this is the case, the mother can either get some much-needed rest, tend to her other children, or take care of a few other matters.
Third, the mother should be willing to enlist the aid of others in the care of the infant. Seeking help from the child’s grandmothers, aunts, and, most especially, the child’s father, contributes to both the mother’s and the child’s well-being. In addition, getting help caring for the infant can go a long way toward moderating post-partum depression, which is experienced by about 15% of mothers.
How does the father bond with the baby without the physical attachments that pregnancy and childbirth brings? Emotionally, the father can begin to develop his relationship with the baby while the baby is still in utero. Whatever he can dream up to do to pre-establish this bond (including talking to the baby) is helpful to developing what, in the mother, is both a physical and emotional process.
In the beginning, the baby may prefer the mother, unless the father is the “mothering person.” This should not deter the father from taking an active role in his baby’s life, however. Changing diapers, giving the occasional bottle, bathing the baby, talking to the baby, and holding the baby all contribute to the closeness that can be established between the baby and the father.
In addition, the relationship between the father and the mother of the child is an important one. No one other than the father has the level of interest in the intimate details of the infant’s life. He can listen to and empathize with the mother as she recounts her daily life with the baby, and this helps the mother to create a thoroughly bonded mother-child unit. In addition, the helps the father to feel that he is an integral part of the child’s life. (Furman, 1987)
The father can also provide a much needed-outside perspective if the mother is a stay-at-home mom. He provides news of the world beyond mother and baby as well as adult conversation. The father can also be of help to the mother who works outside the home by helping to shoulder the burdens of the working mother. (Furman, 1987)
Over time, the baby develops a strong relationship with the attentive father. Once the baby has developed a primary bond with the mother, he can bond with others, including the father and siblings. Their relationships are based less on need-fulfillment and more on other types of interactions. But, however close the relationship is between the baby and the father or the baby and the siblings, it should not be a surprise that at peak times of need-fulfillment, the baby may still prefer the mother. (Furman, 1987)
In addition to gaining enormous satisfaction from being involved in their baby’s life, the father may have some baby-related worries. For example, he may be concerned about his ability to provide financial support for the family, about the change in his relationship with his wife, and about the lack of freedom and privacy that the baby represents. In addition he may worry about being able to be a good father. In fact, about 10% of fathers experience some post-partum depression. (Black, 1996)
Despite the worries, the work, and the sleepless nights that the infant brings with him into the home, most mothers and fathers experience enormous joy at becoming parents. Both the mother and the father develop unique relationships with the infant, and these relationships are played out in their everyday interactions. These early interactions are highly significant and create a ripple effect throughout the child’s life.
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References
Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.
Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.
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