Understanding Your Child's Misbehavior

Before imposing consequences, parents should endeavor to understand the cause of the child’s misbehavior. The first step in doing this is to understand the general causes of misbehavior and ways in which you can respond that do not involve consequences. (Bigner, 1994):

The child may be seeking attention.

Children crave attention from their parents. The more you can give them attention when they are behaving appropriately, the more they will repeat
these kinds of behaviors (“I liked the way you were playing quietly while I was on the phone.”).

By the same token, if children do not receive sufficient attention by being “good,” they will attempt to get attention through inappropriate behaviors. If you give attention to the negative behaviors by scolding or yelling, those, too will be repeated because negative attention is better to a child than no attention at all.

Consequently, it is best to ignore minor misbehavior. While it is difficult to ignore annoying behavior (and it may get worse before it gets better), stand firm. It is likely to stop eventually.

Some behavior cannot be ignored, but it is best to react in a mild manner. “Please stop throwing your toys around the room. I’m concerned that you are going to break something.”

The child may be trying to wield power over the parent. (“You’re not the boss of me!”).

Parents’ responses will either escalate or deescalate these struggles. By becoming angry, the parent will encourage the child to keep trying. If the parent refuses to become engaged in the struggle for power, the child will stop trying. After withdrawing from the conflict, parents should ask for the child’s cooperation (“I need you to help me keep you safe. Please stop climbing on the table’).

The child may be seeking revenge.

Children become angry with their parents and seek to hurt them—these children are convinced that they are not loveable and that they are significant only when they hurt others. It is important for the parent not to retaliate, to remain calm, and to demonstrate goodwill. “I know that you are angry with me right now, but I still love you.”

The child may be feeling inadequate.

Some children give up hope of succeeding and respond passively to whatever the parent says or does. If this happens, parents must eliminate all forms of criticism. They must focus solely on the child’s positive qualities, strengths, and successes (no matter how small).

If a consequence becomes necessary . . .

If it becomes necessary to impose a consequence, it should be done using a firm but calm tone of voice. It is also a good idea to use an “I” message rather than a command. For example, “I need you to stop hitting your sister.” If the child does not comply, then you need to remind him of the logical or natural consequence of continued misbehavior (see post from 31 May 2015). “If you don’t stop hitting, you will have to stop playing and stay in your room by yourself for 30 minutes.” If he continues to misbehave, then you should act on the consequence. “Go to your room. I will set the timer for 30 minutes. Once the time is up, you can try to play with your sister again more appropriately.”

_______________________
References

Bigner