The Sources of Stress in Parents

Parenting is a lifelong commitment and responsibility. It is sometimes enormously rewarding, and at other times it is incredibly frustrating. It is often exhausting. There is no doubt that parenting requires huge expenditures of resources including time, money, and energy. Parents are frequently overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the task of parenting and are left feeling inadequate and guilty. (Bogels, 2014)

The reality of the demands of parenting is that one person cannot do it all. Everyone needs help with parenting. Historically, children were raised, in large part, by mothers with help from (largely female) extended family members. Because of increased geographic mobility, assistance from extended family has become more limited. At the same time, women are entering the workforce in increasing numbers, and, therefore, more children are in need of daycare. High quality daycare is often difficult to find and to afford. (Hoghughi, 2004)

A stay-at-home mother whose spouse is in the workforce may look forward to the end of the work day so that she can get some assistance with the childcare responsibilities. Parents may decide to move closer to extended family once they start a family so that a grandmother or aunt can help shoulder the responsibilities. Parents who are both in the workforce may seek out high-quality daycare. Parents may also develop close relationships with others who have babies in the same age range so that they can share childcare duties. No matter what the solution, it is important for families to seek out and receive help in order to reduce stress. (Bogels, 2014)

Parents may also put stress on themselves to be the “perfect” parent. In doing this, they may frequently feel inadequate in the face of the wide range of issues that confront parents today including the ever-increasing information on parenting but the lack of a single, widely-accepted model for parenting; the breakdown of the nuclear family; the lack of support from extended family; greater exposure of children to media; conflicting demands of work and home; and, the scarcity of affordable, high-quality child care options. (Bogels, 2014)

Furthermore, parents may feel judged by other parents, or they may compare themselves to other parents and find themselves or their children lacking. If we can view ourselves and our children through the lens of a trusted friend, we will be able to be kinder to ourselves. “Self-compassion is a simple but powerful antidote to our tendency to strive for perfection as parents.” (Bogels, 2014, p. 145)

Where do we get the idea that we need to be perfect parents? Largely, this comes from within, but it can also come from outside of ourselves. It can come from others, such as teachers, who may seem to focus on our child’s negative behaviors and leave us feeling criticized. (Bogels, 2014)

When dealing with our child’s behavior, it is natural to focus on the negative rather than on the positive. This is a remnant of our evolutionary history in which being hyper-aware of danger helped us to avoid it. In the present, however, it is important to recognize both positive and negative behaviors in our child and to realize that he is behaving appropriately much more often than he is misbehaving. Furthermore, what may seem like a disaster in the moment (like the child being disciplined at school) may present an opportunity for the child to learn through experience. (Bogels, 2014)

Parenting is a tough job at any time, but today’s parent is often confronted with many issues that make being a parent particularly challenging. These stresses are related to the following:

• Economic circumstances;

• Decreased time at home with children;

• Single-parent households;

• Blended families;

• Delayed parenting;

• Parenting in LGBT households;

• Lack of availability of extended family and other support systems;

• Conflicting demands of work and home;

• Mother working outside the home;

• Exhaustion due to demanding work schedules;

• Limited access to high-quality, affordable childcare;

• Greater influence of peers and media relative to parents; and,

• Large amount of information on parenting but a lack of a widely-accepted model of parenting.

For suggestions on how to handle and reduce parenting stress, read tomorrow's post.

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References

Bogels, S. and Restifo, K. (2014). Mindful Parenting: A Guide for Mental Health Practitioners. NY: Springer.

Hoghughi, M. and Long, N. (2004). Handbook of Parenting: Theory and Research for Practice. London: Sage Publications.