In order for you to help your child develop a sense of right and wrong, you need to start when he is young. First, he must develop a basic sense of trust. In infancy, if his mother responds promptly and appropriately when her child cries, then he learns to trust her. When the mother’s response is predictable, the infant begins to feel a strong emotional connection to her, and he will be able to love and trust both her and himself. (Wetzel, 1990)
In order for the development of conscience to continue, the child must be able to tolerate a certain amount of frustration. Once a baby is between 3 and 6 months of age, he will develop the ability to self-soothe. Once this happens, he will be able to tolerate a short wait between the time he signals that he has a need and when the caregiver arrives to meet that need. (Wetzel, 1990)
The development of a conscience also requires an understanding of the pain that one feels when one loses something. In order to learn this, the child must be allowed to own and have control of things. This means that young children should not be required to share their toys until they are ready. (Wetzel, 1990)
In addition, parents set a good example when they choose to do the right thing. This is not lost on the child. A sense of belonging to the family helps the child accept the family’s values. In order to serve as effective role models, adults must be held in high esteem by their child. If the child wants to emulate his parents, then the child will base his actions on their values.
The child must also understand that there are consequences for one’s actions—both positive and negative. The child must be old enough to think ahead and imagine what those consequences will be. This requires the ability to reason and to understand that right and wrong may be different in different situations (this occurs after the age of 6).
It is important for parents not to push children into a corner where they might be tempted to lie. For example, don’t ask the child if he spilled the milk. Simply say, “I know that you spilled the milk on the floor. Let’s get some paper towels and clean it up.” If your child owns up to his mistake, don’t punish him for telling the truth. (Wetzel, 1990)
The kind of conscience that the child develops depends on the several factors (Furman, 1987) including:
• Expectation regarding when children “should” develop a conscience (early or late);
• The degree of consistency with which rules are enforced (firm, lenient, or inconsistent);
• The degree to which the parent prevents wrongdoing by setting children up for success (engineering the environment);
• Methods of disapproval (matter-of-fact, harsh, or lenient);
• Expectation for making amends (must do or let it slide); and,
• The degree to which the parent lives by the same rules (role modeling).
The actions on the part of the parent also determine (Furman, 1987) the degree to which the child:
• Uses self-discipline to prevent misdeeds or “beats himself up” afterward for things he did in defiance of his own conscience;
• Manages his expectations realistically or sets himself up for failure by having unrealistic expectations;
• Forgives everything or nothing; and,
• Allows some bodily pleasures or none.
In addition to all of the influences of the parents, the conscience depends on the child’s individual personality, his interactions with peers and other adults, and his own life experiences.
Some parents who set very high standards for themselves let their children slide so as to avoid turning them into “Type A” personalities. Other parents set extremely high standards for their children so that the children will be “better” than the parents were (if the parents were lazy in school, for example). (Furman, 1987) It is better to set achievably-high standards than to set either unreasonably high or low ones.
Children at different stages of conscience development respond differently to discipline. Elementary-age children often hate to make mistakes, and, therefore, they may be overly sensitive to criticism because they are in the process of developing a conscience. When the parent points out that they have done something wrong, they perceive that the parent is “yelling” at them, when that isn’t the case. For our daughter, Miriam, the mildest rebuke could bring her to tears. And so it is with some children. With them, it is necessary to be exceptionally mild mannered when you point out misbehavior to them. With these children a mild admonition when combined with what their conscience is telling them, may be sufficient to reduce the likelihood of further misbehavior. In addition, a child with a well-developed conscience seems to want to be caught and will often be very half-hearted in his attempts to cover up wrongdoing. (Furman, 1987)
The child whose conscience is a little less well developed needs help in learning to “hear his inner voice” so that he can accept appropriate responsibility for his actions, and, if necessary, make amends. While it is certainly true that children and some adults may find it easier to note the behavioral mistake of others and to blame others than to take responsibility for their own actions, if the adults in children’s lives can readily acknowledge their own shortcomings, the child will have good role models for dealing with the inevitable negative feelings associated with making a mistake. (Furman, 1987)
Well-adjusted children can muster their positive self-concept to counterbalance the hurt or shame that making a mistake may cause and to see their mistake in a larger context. (“Yes, I made a mistake, but I’m generally a nice person.”) (Furman, 1987)
In order to accurately assess the degree to which a child’s conscience is developing and to act accordingly, the parent must observe their child carefully. With accurate observations comes the ability to judge situations appropriately. (Furman, 1987)
As children grow, they begin to adopt the parent’s limits as their own. This is the first major step in conscience development. Placing limitations on children’s behaviors with a clear explanation of why the particular behavior is prohibited helps children develop a conscience. (Hoghughi, 2004) Once they have developed a conscience, they are more likely to do the right thing when the parent is not present, and the parent can remind the child that he “knows better” and that he’ll “feel better” about himself if he avoids this mistake in the future. (Furman, 1987)
The conscience continues to evolve over time and is as individualistic as we are. The kind of conscience that the child develops is largely dependent on his parents and the values they transmit to the child. (Furman, 1987) For example, as young adults, both of my daughters have highly-developed consciences, in part, because they grew up in a household in which doing the right thing was greatly emphasized and in which both parents were “rule-followers.”
In addition to all of the above influences of parents, conscience depends on the child’s individual personality, his interactions with other adults and peers, and his life experiences. While peers do not seem to affect the development of conscience to a great degree, they present a greater or lesser temptation to “do wrong.” (Furman, 1987)
It is important to note that doing “wrong” in some areas does not mean doing “wrong” in all areas. For example, some teens may engage in early
sexual behavior but continue to do well academically. Others may avoid drugs and alcohol but may not exert much effort in school. Still others may practice sports religiously but avoid practicing the piano. (Furman, 1987)
Self-esteem has a lot to do with the degree to which we listen to our conscience. When we think highly of ourselves, we are more likely to heed our conscience. When we think less of ourselves, we may be able to set aside our own values and adapt to those of our peer group more easily. (Furman, 1987)
Each person’s conscience is different. Children are born with the capacity to develop a conscience, but parents and environment influence the timing of conscience development, the kind of conscience that the child develops, and the degree to which the child listens to his conscience. Self-esteem, parental role modeling, and parental values all play a significant role in conscience development.
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