Most parents today feel that there is too much to do and not enough time in which to do it. In families in which both parents work outside the home (and in single-parent families) the often competing demands for longer hours at work and sufficient time at home leave parents feeling stressed and guilt ridden. In families in which one parent works outside the home and the other parent stays at home full time, there still don’t seem to be enough hours in the day.
Let’s begin by looking at the parents who work outside of the home. In an attempt to give their children every advantage, these parents often try to emulate the stay-at-home parent. They attempt to fit all of the activities that she does into the few hours that they have with their children each week. The predictable outcome of this is stress for both parents and children.
But what about families in which there is a stay-at-home parent? According to the Pew Research Center, after decades of decline, the percent of families in which there is a stay-at-home parent rose to 29% in 2012. But, does being in this circumstance really give the parent the luxury of time? Not really. Life seems to expand in order to fit the space it is given. Therefore, despite the fact that the stay-at-home parent has more hours with her children each week, she still may feel pressed for time because she doesn’t want her children to miss out on a single opportunity.
So, all of the parents can end up in the same place—in a headlong rush from activity to activity with no time for themselves or simply to “be” with their children.
Quality Time Versus Quantity Time
In addition to maximizing the quantity of time that they spend with their children, both groups of parents seek to give their children “quality” time. And, in and of itself, this is not a bad thing to do. But, in their attempt to provide this for their children, they may, inadvertently, provide their children with something more—and that is, stress.
At first glance, attempting to engage in more “quality” time with one’s children seems perfectly reasonable. After all, isn’t it the quality of the time rather than the quantity that matters? In theory, the quality of time is more important, yet the quality of the time may be damaged if it does not exist within a sufficient quantity of time.
Making Time "Count"
In order to make the most of the time that parents have with their children, they will often place a great deal of emphasis on making the time that they have with their children “count.” While it is true that placing children at the top of the list of priorities is the right thing to do, focusing on them to the exclusion of all else is harmful--both to the children and to their parents.
First, it puts too much pressure on the children to perform. If parents “invest” all of their time, money, and energy into their children, it is natural to want (often subconsciously) a “return on investment.” And children feel that pressure.
Second, children are often stressed by the pace of their lives. Again, in an effort to give their children every advantage, parents enroll their children in a huge number of extra-curricular activities. This leads to a dizzying attempt on the part of the parent (or a helper of some sort) to ferry the child from thing to thing each day after school and on weekends.
Once everyone arrives at home, there is pressure to make, eat, and clean up after dinner, to do homework, to complete household chores (if any have been assigned), and, perhaps, to practice a musical instrument. There is no time for “down time” at all. At the end of the day, everyone collapses into bed only to wake up after a few hours and do it all again.
Time to Play
In addition to feeling stressed by their jam-packed lives, these children have no time to play. And even if they did have an hour or two a week to spend in this sort of pursuit, there might be no other children in the neighborhood to play with because everyone else’s children are over-scheduled as well. Furthermore, when these children are left with free time, they often don’t actually know what to do with it. Today’s children, in the absence of coaches, teachers, and parents telling them exactly what to do, may be unable to organize a game of kick-ball, tag, or anything else, for that matter. And so they end up sitting in front of a screen watching television or playing a video game.
Buying Time
Placing their children at the center of their lives also leads many parents (even those with modest incomes) to spend exorbitant amounts of money on their children. It begins in infancy when parents feel the need to buy every piece of baby paraphernalia that is on the market. Equipment to make fresh baby food, expensive clothing that is only worn a few times before it is outgrown, educational toys, and strollers for every stage of development—I recently heard of a parent in Manhattan who had purchased no fewer than seven—are only a few examples. This madcap buying continues throughout the children’s lives and leads to the children’s “stuff” taking over the house.
Contaminating Time
In addition, because time, as limited as it is, becomes precious, parents may not want to “contaminate” it with less-than-pleasant interactions with their children. So, instead of demanding appropriate behavior, parents may tend to shrug off misbehavior and give in to their child at every turn. Consequently, they rarely say “no” to their children, and, as a result, the children may become self-centered, they may be unable to delay gratification, and they may lack self-control.
In addition, in their attempt to make home time as stress-free for everyone as possible, parents may not require that their children do household chores. The parents end up doing everything (or hiring someone to do it) and catering to their children at every turn. As a result, the children may not develop a sense of responsibility or learn the basic self-care skills necessary to live on their own in the real world.
In the end, these children may grow up to be less responsible, less self-controlled, and less independent, and they may have a more inflated sense of their own self-worth than children did a generation or two ago. And this saga of over-involvement and over-valuing may then continue into adolescence and young adulthood.
Time Away from Home
When it is time for these children to go off to college, some parents no longer feel that it is sufficient to simply drop them and go. Rather, some parents spend a week or more settling them into college life. They feel that they must decorate the child’s dorm room, help him choose his courses, and attend the first week of classes in order to help him come up with the perfect schedule. They may even meet with their child’s adviser to give him the wisdom of their intimate knowledge of their child so that the adviser can better serve their child’s needs.
Some parents have been known to go even further. While the number is not significant at this point in time, it is a growing trend for parents (or at least one parent) to buy a home in their child’s college town and to live there either full- or part-time so as to be able to “be there” for their child during their four years at college the way that they were “there” for their child during high school. (Italie, 2015) While they may not attend classes with their child beyond the first week, they are intimately aware of the grades that their child receives on each assignment, and they have been known to intervene with a professor on their child’s behalf if they think that a particular grade is not reflective of the child’s effort.
Time to Let Go
And this over-involvement may extend beyond college as well. When applying for post-graduation jobs, over 8% of today’s young adults are accompanied on job interviews by their parents, and 3% of them are having their parents sit in on their interview. (Berman, 2012) This has gotten so prevalent that the human resources departments of some large companies have special programs for the parents of applicants. And it may not stop with the hire date. Parents have been known to intervene with their child’s boss when things don’t go their child’s way in the work place. (Berman, 2012)
But this assumes that the adult-child is able to get a job in the increasingly competitive job market. If a job is not found, then the adult-child may continue with school into graduate school, thereby putting off their entry into the real world further. But eventually, the young adult completes his schooling and must either live on his own or move back in with the parents. And many young adults these days do end up back with their parents. Even if they do not, they are often financially dependent on their parents far into adulthood.
Time to Face Reality
And all of this begins with a lack of time. It is my contention that parents can stop this madness by doing one simple thing. They must recognize and admit that when both parents work outside of the home, or when they are a single parent, they cannot provide the same life for their children that the family with the stay-at-home mom does. And the family with the stay-at-home mom can only jam so much into their child’s day without negative consequences.
Accepting this reality is the first step toward Prudent Parenting given the family’s time constraints. If parents can do this, they can make decisions for (and with) their children that benefit both the children and themselves. The family can build “down time” into the schedule so that the family can just “be” with one another, which makes everyone’s life better. Also, parents can include time for themselves in the weekly schedule. This is beneficial in two ways. First, it allows the children to see their parents as more than simply parents. Second, in giving the parents something to focus on other than their children, it takes the intense pressure off of the children themselves, which reduces their stress.
In making this adjustment in thinking, activities are chosen more carefully, and parents are more likely to include only those that are of special interest to their children. Furthermore, with fewer activities, children can enjoy each one to a greater degree.
In addition, and perhaps more importantly, parents will have more time to parent in an intentional way. Rather than parenting on the run, operating in crisis mode most of the time, parents can develop a philosophy of parenting that is consistent with their most deeply-held beliefs about what it takes to be a good parent and that guides them in their day-to-day actions and decisions. Rather than flip-flopping from permissive to authoritarian or from democratic to autocratic, parents can choose to be the kind of parent that they want to be all of the time. It just takes time.
__________________________________
References
Berman, J. (2013, September 13). Millennials Now Bringing Their Parents Along on Job Interviews. Retrieved April 10, 2015 from http://www.huffingtonpost.come/2013/09/11/parent-job-interview_n_3907447.html
Italie, L. (2014, December 24). Parents Are Moving to the Same Towns Where Their Kids Go to College. Retrieved April 10, 2015 from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/24/parents-move-college_n_6378690.html
No comments:
Post a Comment