Despite the increasing emotional maturity, preschoolers still respond, to some degree, to all of the strategies used to help toddlers manage their behavior (see post from 12 July 2015). It is important to note, however, that these strategies will have to be modified to meet the needs of the older child.
To reiterate, the best approach to helping the child learn to control his behavior involves the following:
1. allowing the child to make choices;
2. planning ahead to help the child behave appropriately;
3. making and enforcing a few simple rules;
4. preventing misbehavior through environmental controls; and,
5. using “timeout” to enforce rules when other methods of discipline are ineffective.
Making Choices
Modifications that should be made to this strategy include allowing the child to make choices from a wider variety of options each day. For example, instead of choosing between two items of clothing, for example, he should be allowed to choose from among all of the seasonally-appropriate clothing in his closet. Rather than choosing from only two breakfast items, he should be allowed to choose from among all available breakfast items. Making choices from among a greater number of possibilities gives the child more practice in decision making, and thus increases his sense of independence and control.
Planning Ahead
In addition, while planning ahead is still highly useful, getting the child to do what you want him to do is more difficult because, for one thing, the child’s memory is better. For example, keeping things out of his sight will not necessarily keep him from wanting to play with them. The adage, “out of sight, out of mind” does not work as well as it did when the child was a toddler. So, rather than trying to induce the child to do what you want him to do, you may need to employ various techniques to modify his wants instead. Substitution (not this, but that) can work well with a preschooler (“No, you may not paint now because we don’t have time, but you may draw instead”). Additionally, you can require that the child postpone doing an activity until it better suits your schedule (not now, but then) (“You may not paint right now, because we have to go out soon, but you may paint when we get home.”). Both substitution and postponing can work because the preschool child does not live entirely in the present. He can remember that in the past you have kept your word about allowing him to do something at another time, so he trusts you to do the same this time.
Environmental Controls
As with planning ahead, environmental controls still work to some degree, but they require modifications. Because the preschooler cannot be confined to just a few “child-proofed” rooms, you must manage his environment more by preparing him for situations rather than preparing the environment for him. This involves, for example, making clear your expectations for a particular activity or situation before entering into it.
Once the child is of preschool age, he is old enough to understand verbal instructions about behavior. At this point, acceptable and unacceptable behaviors may be described in simple language prior to bringing the child into a situation. For example, prior to taking your child
shopping, it can be explained that you are going to the mall to shop for clothes for him. You expect him to stay with you at all times, not to fuss or whine, and to come with you immediately when you say that it is time to go. Once he is clear on your expectations, you can explain the consequences of misbehavior as well as the reward for compliance. For example, you could tell him that if he misbehaves, you will give him one warning. After that, you will leave the mall and come straight home whether or not the shopping has been completed. Explain to him that if he is compliant, you will stop at the playground on the way home after the shopping has be completed.
If you have to impose the negative consequence, be sure and do so immediately following the misbehavior and in a kind and matter-of-fact way. “I can see that you are not ready to cooperate today. We’ll try again another day. Now we’re going home.” And no matter how much he fusses and whines about it, stick to your guns and go home. If this happens a couple of times, the child will learn that you mean business and will meet your expectations, assuming that he is capable of doing so.
If you find that your child does not meet your expectations in a particular situation a number of times, you will know that he is not yet capable of maintaining that standard of behavior. You can either lower you expectations so that your child can be successful or, better yet, abandon the particular activity until your child is a bit older and more mature.
If your child is successful at meeting expectations, be sure to praise him, thank him for his cooperation, and give him a hug. If you have determined a positive consequence for compliance, then provide that. In many cases, your approval may be all the positive reinforcement that he needs.
Rules
By about age three, children have internalized a few of the parents’ and the teacher’s rules (and have a developing conscience). For example, the child will stay away from the books on the book shelf rather than pull them off as he would have when he was a toddler, and he can be expected to stay away from the stove when it is hot. But, the preschooler’s self-discipline is a fragile thing, and he cannot be relied upon in the parents’ absence to do the right (or the safe) thing because he has not yet fully internalized all of the rules. This is why careful supervision is still important at this stage. For the most part, the preschooler is following rules because he wants to please his parents (or his teacher) rather than because it is the “right” thing to do. It is the loving approval of the adults in his life that he seeks above all else, so this has great power to modify behavior.
Preschool-age children often tattle on each other. This is a sign that they have begun to internalize more rules. Children of this age also begin to lie to cover up misbehavior because their conscience is beginning to develop, letting them know that they have done wrong.
Timeout
Timeout is still an appropriate negative consequence for misbehavior, although its duration should be increased (one minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). Alternatively, if the child has been given a timeout because he is having a tantrum, you may want to let him decide when to end the time out. Giving the instruction that he may leave timeout once he has calmed down may give him the incentive to pull himself together. In addition, using timeout in this fashion gives the child the responsibility for his own behavior to a larger degree, and this promotes independence on his part.
Conclusion
Preschool-age children are more capable of managing their own behavior than they were when they were toddlers. If taught to do so, they can begin to describe their emotions rather than act on them. Because of this, they can more easily use words instead of actions to express their negative emotions. This enables them to control their behaviors to a larger degree (they may learn to say such things such as, “I don’t like it when you take my blocks!” rather than hit the offending child with the blocks). They are still quite rule-bound, however, and they tend to follow rules largely because they want to please the adults in their lives (parents and teachers). But, they are beginning to show signs of a developing conscience (tattling and lying, for example).
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