It is important for your child to be able to be successful in this regard, so you may want to phase in the list of responsibilities over time. Also, be sure to provide needed support, withdrawing it gradually over time as your child is able to handle things on his own. Remember to take note and praise your child when he lives up to his responsibilities, and never, ever, go around behind him and re-do his work. This is humiliating for the child and will not make him want to do for himself in the future.
Some responsibilities that should be taken over by the child include the following:
1. Put him in charge of his own schedule.
Until your child can read, take him to the posted schedule and read to him what he has scheduled for the upcoming day. Help him to lay out the materials/equipment that he will need to take with him. Once your child has learned to read, make sure he knows where his schedule is posted. Remind him, at first, to look at the calendar every night as he plans for the next day (see Bedtime Routine) and to lay out his materials/equipment before he goes to bed at night. Eventually, let him assume the responsibility for looking at his schedule and planning ahead for his day’s activities.
Once he has learned to write legibly, let him take over writing his activities on the daily schedule, reminding him to do so at first but gradually giving that responsibility over to him. Eventually, transfer the entire responsibility of managing his schedule to him including making sure that whenever he needs a ride from you, he takes care of letting you know so that you can put it on your schedule.
2. Give him responsibility for keeping track of his own stuff.
If he is responsible enough to participate in extra-curricular activities, he should be able to keep track of his own materials/equipment. Remind the elementary-age child to check the family calendar every night before going to bed to see what stuff he’ll need for the next day, and supervise him laying it out before bedtime. Tweens and teens should be able to be responsible for collecting all of their needed equipment/materials before bed every night. You’ll know that this is going according to plan if there is little or no running around looking for stuff in the morning.
3. Insist that he complete his own homework and school assignments.
When your child is a pre-reader, read the directions for him. Up through elementary school, provide him a place to do his homework, a time in the daily schedule to do his homework (see Homework Routine), and make sure he has the necessary materials. Once he has entered middle school, the responsibility for completing his homework should lie with him. At every stage, if your child has a question or needs help, he should be responsible for asking you. No matter what, provide limited assistance. If your child can’t do an assignment, it is not your responsibility to teach him. He should let his teacher know that he couldn’t do the assignment so that she knows that she needs to re-teach the material. If you provide too much assistance, then the teacher will get the wrong idea about the degree to which your child has absorbed the material at school.
4. Insist that he write thank-you notes/emails and convey regrets when he can’t attend a function.
If he is not able to write, you might suggest a thank-you picture, which you can be in charge of mailing. Teach him to make phone calls once he is in preschool. Explain the idea of calling someone when he can’t attend a function. Once he can write, let him be in charge of writing his own notes and keeping track of his gifts.
5. Allow him to work out his own issues with others.
Once he has the capability to see things from another’s perspective (usually around preschool-age), he can work out many of his conflicts with his peers without help from an adult. If he seeks your counsel, you can discuss the situation with him and help him generate possible solutions. Getting involved (unless it is a case of repeated bullying) diminishes his sense of self-efficacy and inhibits his strides toward independence. Experiences with conflict-resolution as a child will arm him with the skills necessary to work things out with people in his adult life, including in the context of intimate relationships.
6. Insist that he use an alarm clock from elementary school onward.
Include setting the alarm clock as part of the bedtime routine starting in elementary school. Remind young children what they need to do when the alarm rings (post the Morning Routine in their room). Once the child is in middle school/high school, do not act as a back-up to the alarm. Let the tween/teen experience the Natural Consequences of ignoring/resetting the alarm. If he is late for school a couple of times, he will learn to heed the alarm. Getting out of bed on one’s own is a big step toward independence and will be an important skill once the child is on his own.
7. Have him pack his own lunch.
Even young children can learn to put together their own lunch from the healthy alternatives available to them. Teach your child to choose a protein, a starch, a fruit, and a vegetable for lunch, for example. Teach him what constitutes a healthy snack. Beginning in preschool have the child choose his snack from healthy foods that you provide. In elementary school, give verbal guidance and then check that a healthy lunch and snack have made it into the lunchbox. In middle school and high school, let your tween/teen know that you expect him to make healthy food choices, and make sure that these foods are available to him.
8. Teach him to manage his own money (see Financial Literacy).
Give your child a weekly allowance that is at least one dollar per year of his age. Do not extend “credit” to him--teach him to live within his means and to save up for things that he wants. Provide tweens and teens with a budget for school supplies and clothes, and allow them to purchase what they need within that budget. Teach them to shop sales, to compare prices, and to purchase their clothing at stores that offer the best value for their dollar. Make sure that the budget is neither too little nor too much to ensure that they have to make good financial decisions to stretch their budget as far as possible. Do not “rescue” them if they make foolish purchasing decisions. It is better for them to make mistakes when they are living at home than to have to learn all of the important financial lessons once they are living on their own.
Do not use allowance as payment for chores. Chores should be done by every member of the family just because they are members of the household.
9. Insist that he help with the Chores that keep the household functioning.
Emphasize the importance of everyone in the family contributing to the well-being of the family. Make keeping one’s room neat a requirement for all children beginning in preschool. Also beginning in preschool, require that your child choose a set number of chores from a list that you provide. Giving him the opportunity to choose his own chores will encourage him to actually do the chores. At first, set a specific time of day for doing chores (after school, for example). In the beginning, remind him to do his chores, but eventually let him take on the entire responsibility himself.
Increase the number and difficulty level of the chores as the child grows up. Stop reminding him to do them. In elementary school, the child can take out the trash, feed the dog, and load the dishwasher. Tweens can do their own laundry, empty the dishwasher, and rake leaves. By high school, the teen should be able to do just about anything that an adult is able to do. If the child forgets to do a chore, make him pay some sort of penalty (either financial or in terms of losing a privilege). Stand fast on this, and your child will know that you mean business.
10. Allow your child to make Decisions about what clothes to wear and how to style his hair.
Remember, your child is not an extension of you. He is an individual with individual taste and style. Try to hold yourself back and allow your child to make fashion blunders. Maintaining a sense of humor will help in this regard. Step in only if the child makes clothing/hairstyle choices that are against school policy.
11. Let your child decide on what gifts to give to others.
Within reason, children should be able to make decisions about gifts to family members and friends. Of course, parents must have the final say, as this is a financial decision.
12. Teach your child to cook and have him prepare one meal for the family from time to time.
Begin teaching your child to cook when he is preschool age. Cooking with children is great fun and teaches them many things. By the time your child is in high school, he should be in charge of planning and cooking the occasional family meal. Being able to cook for oneself is an important independent-living skill and can become a source of enjoyment for the child in his adult life.
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References
Garza, P. (2011). 30 Surefire Ways to Raise An Independent Child. Kosse, TX: Lost and Profound.
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