Self-Care, Self-Efficacy, and Self-Esteem: Why Are They Important? Part 1--Infants and Toddlers

The Prudent Parent knows that the development of self-esteem is important for children. But, she also knows that equally important for children are the ability to care for their own bodies and to take action on their own behalf.

Self-care is how we care for our bodies.

Self-efficacy is the feeling that we can successfully act on our environment—it is a judgment of personal capability.

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves.

Of the three, self-efficacy is most strongly connected to success in the world. In addition, self-efficacy is even more closely related to healthy emotional development than is self-esteem. In order to develop self-efficacy, the child must be allowed to do for himself. The parent who acts on behalf of the child robs him of the opportunity to act on his own behalf, thus reducing his feelings of self-efficacy. The goal then, from the very beginning, should be to teach children care for themselves and to act on their own behalf as much of the time as possible. (Levine, 2006)

Infants

Infants are not born with the ability to care for themselves, nor do they have feelings of self-efficacy. They do have the capacity to develop these qualities, however, and it is their environment that helps them to do so. The first step for an infant is to develop a good feeling about his body—liking to feel good. The parents provide this feeling in the first weeks of life by feeding, cleaning, holding, cuddling, and talking to their baby. (Furman, 1987)

Gradually, the infant remembers these good feelings and wants them to be repeated. The baby’s job is to find ways to communicate his needs, wants, and, eventually, his satisfaction to his caregivers. He cries and waves his arms to get his parent’s attention or to protest some discomfort, and he smiles, coos, and babbles when he is content. This active seeking out of good feelings is a step toward participating in self-care and establishes the basis of early self-esteem and self-efficacy (Furman, 1987)

In the second six months of life, the baby’s cries become more purposeful, and the parents must learn to distinguish each cry’s meaning. They do this through careful observation, thinking, trial and error, and evaluation combined with a positive attitude about the possibility of being successful in this regard. When the baby is able to signal his specific needs, he is actively engaging in getting his needs met and is, thereby, developing self-efficacy. (Furman, 1987)

Between 6 and 12 months, the baby can start to participate in self-care activities. He can help to feed himself by holding his bottle, using a cup, and managing a spoon. This has the potential to be messy, but the parent should not hold the child back in an attempt to avoid the mess. Instead, the parent should enlist the baby’s help in cleaning himself and his highchair tray with a facecloth after eating.

At first, it may be difficult for the parent to relinquish some of the “doing” for the baby because the “doing” has been so pleasurable. But the Prudent Parent learns to substitute the pleasure derived from seeing the baby become more autonomous for that gained by “doing” for the baby. (Furman, 1987) Allowing babies to “do” for themselves leads to feelings of self-efficacy, which benefit the child in the long run. Overzealous parents can interfere with this, and they should resist the temptation to do things for the child that he is capable of doing for himself.

Toddlers

The key to helping a toddler develop a strong sense of self-efficacy is to provide him with a toddler-friendly world. In a simulating, yet safe, environment, the toddler meets with fewer frustrations and develops the feeling that he can be successful. In addition, if parents can adapt to “toddler time” and expect that everything will take at least three times as long as it would if they were doing everything for the child, the parent will find it easier to remain calm as the toddler takes over some of his self-care routines.

A toddler’s participation in his self-care is a boost to his self-esteem and his feelings of self-efficacy. The Prudent Parent recognizes that her role is beginning to shift from providing all care for the child to enlisting the child’s assistance in his own care. When toddlers participate in their own self-care, even when done inexpertly, they develop a good feeling about themselves and their bodies. Parental support for these early efforts, as well as praise and admiration, encourage these self-care attempts and eventual accomplishments. Self-care and self-esteem/self-efficacy go hand in hand. (Furman, 1987)

At this stage, the child can do a lot for himself, and everything that he is able to do for himself feeds his need for autonomy and enhances his feelings of self-efficacy. As soon as he’s able, give the child the opportunity to perform various self-care routines. At first, he’ll be able to take his clothes off by himself, but he’ll need help putting them on. Front and back and left and right present challenges, but you can help him master these things with little tricks such as putting a spot of red nail polish on the bottom of his right shoe and on the big toenail of his right foot.

When he feeds himself, he’ll be messy at first, but don’t let that deter you. He can wash his own face and sponge off his high chair tray after he has made a mess. In addition, if you provide him with a step-stool in the bathroom, he can also comb his hair, wash his face, and brush his teeth (under your close supervision--you can pretend to “check” to see that he’s cleaned all of his teeth while you finish the job). He can also begin bathing himself (with your help and supervision).

Remember, your child doesn’t have to do a perfect job at any of these things to deserve accolades. Toddlers love your attention and praise, and they thoroughly enjoy doing things for themselves. “Children whose needs have been respected, who have enjoyed need satisfaction, and who have been allowed active participation, do not need to be made to do for themselves.” (Furman, 1987, p. 291) Build on your toddler’s natural need for autonomy, and you’ll find that you hear the toddler’s favorite word, “No!” less frequently.

Self-care also involves protecting our bodies from harm. Although the parent has “child-proofed” the house, she will still have to teach the child to avoid harm. Ensuring that the child avoids potentially dangerous situations is still the parent’s job at this stage, but the toddler must still be taught so that he will, as an older child, be able to take over this important self-care task. Each potential danger must be explained in simple language that the toddler can understand such as, “Ouch! The stove is hot!” or “Look out! A car is coming!” (Furman, 1987)

One important thing to note is that in keeping the child from harm, parents must take care not to convey the idea that the world is a dangerous place. If they do, their children will not seek out challenging experiences. Depriving our children of rich experiences because of our fears (which may or may not be realistic) keeps them from learning new things as well as how to care for themselves in challenging environments.

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Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.

Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.

The Roots of Self-Confidence

Self-confidence is the belief that you can be successful in a specific arena. A child begins to feel self-confident when his parents accept him for who he is, not who they wish him to be. Parents who want to help their child develop self-confidence must recognize their child as a unique and precious individual with particular talents and abilities and communicate that to him.

In order to help the child build self-confidence, parents should strive to be specific in their praise and to accompany that praise with smiles and hugs. It is important to be careful not to overpraise or give disingenuous praise, however. Once he is past the preschool stage, the child will likely recognize this and then discount all praise that is given.

In order to aide your child in developing self-confidence, help him to find things that he is interested in and is good at and encourage participation in these activities. Some children enjoy sports, while others are more interested in music or dance. Some children are interested in the visual arts and may enjoy taking a drawing class. Achievement in areas of interest promotes self-confidence.

At home, spend time with your child on a one-on-one basis, and do things together that you both enjoy. Activities such as playing basketball, cycling, camping, and woodworking can all be enjoyed by parents and children together. Cooking is one activity that both of my children enjoyed from a very young age. At first, you can keep it simple by making things like pancakes and cookies. Later, you can have them help you cook meals. Involve them to whatever degree they are capable. To be able to participate in cooking for the family, even in a limited way, builds self-confidence and helps children to develop a skill that will be valuable to them throughout their lives.

In addition to promoting self-confidence, parents must strive not to damage that self-confidence. If your child has misbehaved or otherwise done something wrong, for example, don’t criticize him. Rather, focus on the behavior and what you’d like to see changed. Remember, it is not the child who is “bad;” it is the behavior that is unacceptable. By focusing on the behavior rather than the child, you help the child to improve his behavior without damaging his self-confidence.

Tomorrow's blog post: Promoting Self-Care and Self-Efficacy

The Importance of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is the value that you place on yourself or how you feel about yourself in general. Self-esteem is built upon experiences and upon the reactions of others. All children need self-esteem. They need to feel confident, worthy, and capable. Those children who lack self-esteem are left feeling helpless, weak, and discouraged. Self-esteem is built slowly over time. It comes from real accomplishments and cannot be built upon contrived or trivial praise from parents and others. (Black, 1996)

Self-esteem that is verified by parents and teachers tends to cause children to become “personally effective, poised, competent, and capable of independent and creative action.” (Alvy, 2008, p. 38) High self-esteem also produces more resilient children and predicts social, academic, and career success.

In order to have strong self-esteem during the primary school period (ages 5 – 8), children need to see themselves as having real accomplishments. Success in school and in extra-curricular activities goes a long way toward meeting this need. In addition, they must feel that they are accepted, wanted, and needed by parents, peers, and teachers. (Black, 1996) A strong sense of self-esteem generally leads to appropriate behavior and a willingness to try new things. (Wetzel, 1990)

In older school-age children (ages 9 – 11), children’s self-esteem depends to an even greater degree on school performance and, to some degree, on the child’s position in his peer group. In addition, more opportunities for independent action promote feelings of self-confidence and industry. Parents can support the child’s need for independence in a multitude of ways including demonstrating an interest in what the child is learning in school and by celebrating effort and successes in school and in extra-curricular activities. In addition, holding children responsible for managing schoolwork, getting ready for school in the morning without parental nagging, and for keeping up with requirements of extra-curricular activities (e.g., practicing a musical instrument) increases self-esteem. (Black, 1996)

If self-esteem is strong, then children of all ages find it easier to admit their own responsibility when things go wrong. Well-adjusted children can muster the self-confidence to counterbalance the hurt or shame of wrongdoing and to see it in the larger context (“Yes, I made a mistake, but I’m generally a good person”).

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Resources

Alvy, K. (2008). The Positive Parent: Raising Healthy, Happy, and Successful Children, Birth to Adolescence. New York: Teachers College Press.

Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.

Wetzel, L. (1990). Parents of Young Children: A Parent Education Curriculum. St. Paul, MN: Toys 'n things Press.

Creating Positive Self-Concept in Children of All Ages

Self-concept is the idea one has of oneself, and its creation begins with the development of three things. These include the following (Black, 1996):

• Self-awareness—the idea that one is a separate and unique individual;

• Self-recognition—the ability of the infant to recognize himself in a mirror;

• Self-definition—the child’s use of language to describe himself (“I’m a boy, and I’m three years old.”)

Self-awareness develops at around 4 months of age as a result of the infant’s interactions with his parents and the world. The child smiles, and someone smiles back. He kicks the mobile above his crib, and it moves. He vocalizes, and someone talks to him. These things indicate to him that he exists as an individual separate from others.

Self-recognition occurs at around 20 months of age. In the classic experiment, a spot of lipstick is put on the nose of the child, and when he looks in the mirror, he touches his own nose rather than the image of his nose in the mirror.

Self-definition is the realization by the child that he is an individual who has properties that can be described. Usually, the child initially describes himself in terms of very concrete things including age, height, and hair color, as well as his favorite things or what he likes to do (“I am three years old. I am a boy, I like to play with trucks.”).

The creation of self-concept is a complex process that is unpredictable. It begins with the parent’s love and acceptance of the child and continues to develop over time and is based, to varying degrees, on the opinions of others.

But, the self-concept cannot remain forever dependent upon the views of others. It must become increasingly independent and develop into something that resides within the individual. Once the sense of self is located within, it can, among other things, be relied upon to help the child bounce back from adversity. (Levine, 2006)

The goal, from a psychological standpoint, is to develop a self that is “authentic, capable, loving, creative, in control of itself, and moral.” (Levine, 2006, p. 66) A child with a healthy sense of self is ready and able to “own” his own life.

Several factors promote positive self-concept. These include the following:

• fair and consistent discipline;

• many opportunities to use developing skills;

• affection and positive attention; and,

• appropriate levels of responsibility.

Harsh discipline, lack of opportunities to attempt to use developing skills, lack of affection or attention, and family stress can interfere with the development of positive self-concept. (Black, 1996)

The natural drive in most children is to feel internally capable. In the toddler, this drive leads them to want to “do it myself,” and when he participates in self-care activities, his self-concept expands to include new abilities. In the teen, it is thinking that “I can handle it myself.” The more that the parent can support these impulses to develop and use new abilities, the stronger the self-concept becomes.

In preschool-age children, self-concept is measured by them in what they can do for themselves and the things that they have. Parents can support the preschooler’s need to do for themselves by providing opportunities for them to be successful in their attempts. This may be accomplished by engineering the child’s environment for success. A positive self-concept leads to self-esteem and self-confidence, which leads children to attempt further mastery of life’s challenges. (Black, 1996)

School-age children’s self-concept is built upon their self-evaluation and on the evaluations of others. Some children of this age are highly self-critical and are extremely susceptible to the criticism of others. This can lead to a reluctance to try new things. These children need a great deal of parental encouragement. Other children may overestimate their own abilities, and this can lead to risky behaviors. Adults can help the child become more realistic in his self-evaluation by providing honest feedback about areas of relative strength and weakness rather than over-praising everything that the child does. (“You are a fast runner, but others are fast as well.”)(“I know that you didn’t win the race, but you were very quick off of the block.”).

Parents can also help by accepting both positive and negative emotional feelings on the part of the child and by helping the child to find constructive physical and emotional outlets for those feelings. (“I know that you were not happy with your grade on your spelling test. Do you think that if I helped you to study your words for next week that you would earn a grade that you’d be happier with?”)(“I can see that you were very happy with the improvement in your time on the 50 meter backstroke. Congratulations! Your hard work really paid off.”)(Black, 1996)

Parents should keep in mind is that the goal is for the child to develop a stable and firmly-based, positive self-concept characterized by self-acceptance. Parents can help with this by providing encouragement and by recognizing and communicating to the child that he is a unique individual worthy of love. In addition, the parent can support the child’s growing sense of self by encouraging him in his pursuit of interests and capabilities and promoting a realistic view of his own abilities. Once he accepts himself for himself, he will be open to new experiences, will engage in fewer risky behaviors, and he will have no need to mask unpleasant thoughts or feelings. (Black, 1996)

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References

Black, J. and Puckett, M. (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.

Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.. New York: Harper Collins.

Building Responsibility: Teaching Children to Do Chores

How do children learn to do chores around the house? Parents who keep their areas of the house tidy model that behavior for their children. If parents do not demonstrate that they value taking care of the house, the children will not value it either. But modeling and valuing aren’t enough. Children must be taught explicitly how to do chores.

For example, parents can teach children as young as toddlers how to keep ahead of the mess by putting things away as they finish with them.
The skills necessary for doing chores must be taught early on (“Let’s clean up the toys before I start dinner.”) in order for children to be able to manage the tasks on their own later. While it is tempting (in the interest of time) to do the job yourself, you are missing a teaching opportunity by doing so. If you put off requiring the children to help around the house, they will not do it later or in your absence.

One way to get buy-in on chores is to let each child choose the chores that he will do from a pre-determined list. For example, there can be “Column A” chores list that includes the most demanding chores (including cleaning out the litter box, doing laundry, and cooking a meal), “Column B” chores that are moderately demanding (including feeding and walking the dog), and “Column C” chores that are minimally demanding (including setting the table and taking out the trash). Parents might require a preschooler to choose one from Column C, an elementary-age child to choose one from Column B and one from Column C, and tweens and teens to choose one from each column.

Parents should praise each child based on the degree of effort expended on each of the chores rather than only on the results, as children may be able to complete a chore before they can complete it with an adult-level of success. It is also of critical importance for parents not to go around after the child and re-do chores not done to the parent’s standards (but to the best of the child’s ability). Doing this is extremely discouraging to the child.

Children who participate in the running of the household in a meaningful way and who are considered part of the family “team” earn the respect of the other family members. This gives a real sense of importance and value, thus improving self-esteem. In addition, the children, through their efforts, are learning valuable skills that will enable them to live independently once they move away from home.

If a child does not complete an assigned chore that is necessary to the running of the household, then there will often be natural consequences. For example, if the dirty clothes are not put into the hamper, they won’t get washed; if the dishwasher doesn’t get loaded and run, there will be no clean dishes for the next meal; and, if the kitchen isn’t cleaned up after dinner, then the next meal cannot be prepared.

Sometimes, however, the natural consequence is too severe, too dangerous, or too far removed in time from the actual infraction, and a logical consequence must be imposed. For example, if the dog isn’t fed or walked, someone (mom or dad) will have to do it because the natural consequence is too serious. The logical consequence should be something that is of similar severity to the infraction. Given that this is a life or death matter to the dog, the child may need to be grounded for the weekend. A less serious infraction, such as a failure to take out the trash, for example, might be met with a less severe consequence. Some parents simply charge a fee for doing the chore themselves (or to pay another member of the family to do the chore). If this plan is implemented, the fee should be fairly steep so that the child will not find it easier to simply “pay” someone else to do his chores rather than do them himself.

One thing to note about chores. I don’t recommend making allowance contingent upon doing chores. As I noted in my blog entry of Tuesday 16 June 2015, allowance should be the sharing of the family’s income among its members, and chores should be done because one is a member of the family “team.” After all, parents don’t get paid to do their chores, and neither should children.

Household Chores: Responsibility in Action

One area in which each family member can demonstrate responsibility is by taking part in housekeeping chores. By expecting each member of the family to accept some responsibility for keeping the house running smoothly, the Prudent Parent instills in her children an overall sense of responsibility.

In fact, there is little that a parent can do that promotes responsibility more than requiring her children to participate in household chores. Especially when the family is busy (and whose family isn’t these days?), it is important for every member of the family to pitch in to do the chores that enable the household to function.

Preschoolers, who love to emulate mom, dad, and older siblings can set the table for dinner (perhaps using plastic dishware for safety’s sake). Elementary-age children can take out the trash and the recycling. Feeding the dog is important and not difficult. Doing laundry and cooking are great jobs for teenagers. Everyone can participate in cleaning up after dinner and loading the dishwasher.

One of the biggest regrets that I have about how I raised my children was that I didn’t assign them regular chores. I had two reasons for not requiring them to help out around the house. First, Esther and Miriam were extremely responsible about completing their schoolwork and for doing everything necessary to meet the obligations associated with their various activities (including Miriam getting up on her own at 5:30 in the morning for swim practice and Esther practicing tennis diligently). I thought that that was enough to ask of them. I didn’t even insist that they keep their rooms tidy.

My second reason for not requiring that my daughters do chores around the house was that for most of the time that they were growing up, we had help in the house. Both Eric and I were working more-than-full-time jobs and going to graduate school, and we couldn’t manage on our own. Some years we had quite a bit of help and other years the help was minimal, but between what those whom we hired did, and what Eric and I did, we managed to keep things running reasonably smoothly without the help of our children.

The final reason that I did not require that Esther and Miriam do their part to help out around the house was that I was too exhausted to ensure that they would take their responsibilities around the house seriously and do their chores in the absence of constant reminders.

In retrospect, I feel strongly that this was a mistake. It was an opportunity missed to teach the girls responsibility and to provide them with the skills necessary to live on their own. As it turned out, both Esther and Miriam became extremely responsible and developed an admirable work ethic through other means, but neither of them learned all of the self-care skills that I learned from my mother such as cooking, cleaning, ironing, mending, etc. While they have developed these skills to one degree or another since they graduated from college, I feel that I let them down in this area.

So, even if your children’s schedules are full, and even if you are fortunate enough to have help in the house, and even if you are exhausted, the children should be held responsible for keeping their rooms neat and for pitching in with family chores to some degree. For more on how to do this, see tomorrow's blog post.

Developing Responsibility in Preschoolers Through Teens: Where to Start

Young adults are expected to enter the world capable of accepting responsibility for earning a living, maintaining order in their apartment or house, doing the grocery shopping, preparing meals, doing laundry, and otherwise caring for themselves. Even middle school and high school students must juggle multiple responsibilities in order to be successful. College students must manage their lives independently of their parents most of the time.

In order to prepare tweens, teens, and young adults for this level of responsibility, parents should (ideally) begin when their children are young (but if you haven’t done this, don’t despair, just read my future post on the subject of beginning this process later in your child’s life). By allowing the child to take on increasing levels of responsibility over time, the parent helps him to gradually become more independent, responsible, and capable of managing his own life.

Where to begin? Once your child is able to understand the concept of responsibility (at about age three or four), explain to him that some responsibilities are yours and some are his. Your responsibilities include keeping him safe as well as providing food, shelter, and clothing. His responsibilities will depend upon his age and level of maturity. Start small with one or two things for which your child can be responsible. Once you have determined what his responsibilities are, and after you have taught him to perform each of the tasks, explain that you will help him remember to do what he is expected to do but that soon, you will expect him to live up to his responsibilities on his own. Don’t expect miracles here, however. Just aim for steady progress toward that independence.

But how can you get young children to live up to their responsibilities without nagging them? The answer is “routines.” Visit any good preschool classroom, and you will soon recognize the effective use of routines. For example, children know that snack time follows center time; that they must wash their hands before lunch; and, that they must clean up the materials in one center before moving on to another. Preschoolers know that when the teacher signals a transition between one activity and another (“Five more minutes until it’s time to go outside), they are expected to follow the pre-established routine. And, for the most part, they do.

For example, the children know that once the teacher begins to sing the “clean up song,” it is time to stop playing and clean up their area to get ready for the next activity. Good teachers don’t nag--they teach and they routinize. And they don’t get flustered. Parents can do that as well.

Here are some examples. Start small with something like, “When you take off your clothes at night to get ready for bed, you must put them in the laundry hamper so that when I do laundry, all of your dirty clothes will be in one place.” Each night when you supervise the “getting ready for bed” routine, make sure that your child puts his clothes into the hamper. Don’t do it yourself. If he forgets, say something like, “In order to be ready for story time, what do you have to do with your dirty clothes?” Stay positive, but don’t give in. If the clothes don’t make it into the hamper, then you cannot start story time. It’s as simple as that. Be calm and matter-of-fact. Once you have established that simple routine, then you can move on to more challenging responsibilities.

When the time is right, make it a rule that before dinner, it is “clean-up time.” Teach your child what it means to “clean up.” Help him to do so when he is too young to do it himself (“I will help you clean up your toys before dinner for now, but soon you’ll be such a big boy that you’ll be able to do it on your own.”). Simultaneously, develop a signal: a song, a bell, or something else that signals that it is time to clean up toys. Use this signal consistently in lieu of nagging or yelling. If you have done all of these things, and if responsibilities are age-appropriate, then the child will be able to manage them independently in time. Have patience, and trust the routine.

Why Encouragement is Often Better Than Praise (Part 4 of 4)

Encouragement values accepting children as they are and not how we might like them to be; it recognizes effort and improvement as well as accomplishment; it demonstrates confidence in the child; and, it points out positive aspects of the child’s behavior and character. In other words, encouragement is almost always appropriate.

Praise, on the other hand, if over-used, can backfire in several important ways. First, if praise is handed out for every accomplishment, no matter how trivial, then the child may develop an unrealistic sense of self. Once the child has completed preschool, praise should be reserved for hard work, demonstrations of good moral character, and for real achievement. If handed out too liberally, praise may be perceived by the child as disingenuous. After about age five, children recognize when praise that they receive is unwarranted, and they may discount further parental praise. In order to be perceived by the child as “real,” praise must honest and balanced with disapproval of hurtful behavior and lack of effort. It is through parental approval and disapproval that the child develops a realistic sense of self. (“All of your studying really paid off, didn’t it? Congratulations on bringing your grade up!” “It was very hurtful of you not to include Adam when you invited friends to go to the water park.”)

Second, if parents only praise, then the child can develop an inflated sense of his own abilities and self-worth. Some parents do this with the idea that they are building the child’s self-esteem, but by over-praising, the child’s sense of self-esteem becomes unrealistically high, and when he gets into situations in which he is being compared with others (school, sports competitions, etc.), he will inevitably fall short at times, and the pain of realizing that he is not the most talented, the most athletic, or the most academically capable will be greater.

Third, excessive praise can damage self-esteem in less direct ways. If we excessively praise children’s accomplishments in one area, it may dampen their enthusiasm for trying new things. For example, if parents over-praise their ten-year-old for his success in swimming, he may not be willing to try a new sport because he feels that it is “too late” because he has already invested “too much” time and energy in swimming, which he may or may not want to continue to do. Also, if we praise accomplishments excessively in one particular area or we insist that our child stick with something that he no longer enjoys just because he is good at it, we suggest that our love is conditional on performance. In order to foster healthy self-esteem, our love must be perceived as unconditional. (Levine, 2006)

There are many advantages of encouragement over praise.

1. Encouragement demonstrates acceptance. If the parent says, “You seem to enjoy painting,” rather than, “You are the best painter,” the child perceives, “I can try something new,” rather than, “I am better than others.”

2. Encouragement recognizes effort and improvement. If the parent says, “You really made a lot of progress on your spelling this week,” rather than, “Look at your spelling test grade; you’re a great speller,” the child perceives, “I don’t have to be perfect; my effort and improvement are important,” rather than, “I am the best speller in my class.”

3. Encouragement demonstrates confidence. If the parent says, “I’m sure that you’ll swim well today,” rather than, “I think you’re going to win the race today,” the child perceives, “Someone believes in me,” rather than, “My parents only care about me if I am the best.”

4. Encouragement demonstrates appreciation. If the parent says, “Thank you for setting the table,” rather than, “You are much more helpful than your sister,” the child perceives, “My contribution is appreciated,” rather than, “I am better than my sister.”

5. Encouragement demonstrates faith in the child. If the parent says, “I trust that you will be responsible for completing your homework,” rather than, “Finish your homework so that your teacher will be happy with you,” the child perceives, “Someone has confidence in me,” rather than, “I have to please both my parents and my teacher in order to be loved.”

If parents can manage to focus on encouragement rather than praise, children will feel accepted as they are; they will have the courage to try new things; they will be willing to develop their abilities in multiple areas; and, they will be able to withstand coming out on the losing side of comparisons. Praising effort, real accomplishment, and demonstrations of moral character provides the kind of feedback that gives children a realistic sense of self, which, in the long run, is far better than an leading them to develop an inflated opinion of themselves.

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References

Levine, M. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected, Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.

Are Rewards an Effective Way to Promote Appropriate Behavior? (Part 3 of 4)

Under normal circumstances, I don’t recommend rewards over and above praise and encouragement. In most cases, your praise and encouragement are all the rewards your child will need. Furthermore, if you start giving treats or gifts as rewards for cooperative behavior or successes, you will have to keep it up, even if it gets expensive or your child becomes greedy.

Some people use a token system as an alternative to giving gifts, but keeping track of your child’s behaviors with a star chart or token system is very hard work, and it tends to condition children to demonstrate appropriate behaviors only when an adult is present to witness them. So, it does not encourage children to develop intrinsic motivation—to want to behave appropriately for its’ own sake.

Whether you choose to praise, encourage, or reward positive behaviors, there will be times when your child repeatedly misbehaves. In addition, from time to time, a behavior becomes so annoying that you need to make it stop right then and there. The first step is to try to extinguish the behavior by systematically ignoring it. If, for example, your toddler is banging two blocks together and your head feels as if it is going to explode, you may want to simply walk out of the room and take a personal timeout. As long as your child is in a safe space, a few minutes away from him will do him no harm. Many people have found the bathroom to be a great place for this. Go in, shut the door, and collect yourself. Stay there until the behavior stops if you can. Then, when you come out and you see your child building a tower with the same blocks, comment positively on the lovely tower that he is building. Additionally, it would not be out of order to give him a big smile and a hug. It is altogether appropriate to express your joy that the noise has stopped.

Another approach that works for many people is “timeout.” A timeout can be given anywhere, even when you are away from home. See the blog entry from 1 June 2015 for a detailed explanation of how to use timeout most effectively.

If praise for appropriate behavior, systematically ignoring inappropriate behavior, or timeout does not work with your child on a regular basis, then you may want to implement a reward system to help your child learn to manage his behavior. Again, I will point out that this is hard work if it is to be done consistently (and it must be in order for it to work). Also, the success of the reward system depends on how you frame it. For example, you might say, “In order to help you get good at remembering to do your homework, we’ll put a star on the chart whenever you do it
without being reminded. Eventually, you’ll get so good at it, you won’t need the star chart anymore.” (Furman, 1987)

The way it works is this. You and your child determine the positive behaviors that you want to see your child demonstrate, and every time you see him display the behavior, you give him a star or a token in a jar. Upon receiving a certain number of stars/tokens, a reward is given. This reward can be such things as extra time at a favorite playground, game time with you, or an outing somewhere of your child’s choice. It is good to avoid food as a reward, as the long-term consequences of associating food and reward may be negative. When considering what to give as a reward, make sure that it is small enough so that you don’t go broke (in terms of either money or time) but significant enough to your child that he will want to work toward earning it.

In addition to promoting positive behaviors, something else may be gained by using a reward system. Your child may learn to delay gratification. Since you don’t give a reward every time your child exhibits the desired behavior, you only give him a star or a token, he must delay gratification until the end of the week when he receives his reward. Being able to delay gratification is an important step on the road to independence and, later, to financial responsibility. Furthermore, studies have shown that the ability to delay gratification is a predictor of success in later life. (Alvy,2008)

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References

Alvy, K. (2008). The Positive Parent: Raising Healthy, Happy, and Successful Children, Birth to Adolescence. NY: Teacher's College Press.

Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.

The Art of Effective Praise (Part 2 of 4)

If you decide to use praise rather than only encouragement, consider that there is an art to effective praise.

1. Make sure that you have your child’s full attention by getting down to his level, moving close to him, and touching him;

2. Smile when you speak to him;

3. Be sure to give praise as soon after the behavior as possible; and,

4. Be sure to praise the behavior not the child. For example, you might say, “I like the way you held my hand when we crossed the street” rather than “What a good boy you are!”

To find opportunities to praise your child’s behavior, it is important to “catch your child being good” as often as you can. The Prudent Parent knows that a child who cannot count on positive attention from a parent who is often “tuned-out” will seek attention in negative ways. If you find yourself constantly telling your child what not to do rather than praising him for what he is doing right, you need to reexamine your approach. If you fail to do this, your child’s behavior is likely to worsen rather than improve.

While you cannot over-praise an infant or a toddler, with older children, it is important not to overdo it. If you get all excited about every little thing your older child does, even things that represent a mediocre effort, your child will begin to discount your praise as being meaningless. Praise things that are praiseworthy and mitigate the sting of being second best with a hopeful (and meaningful) alternative (“Yes, my cookies look very good. I’ve been making them for a long time. If you start practicing now, you’ll make cookies that you are happier with soon.”).

Another negative effect of false praise on children, especially on tweens and teens, is that they may end up with an unrealistic self-concept. This can lead to extreme disappointment and confusion when the tween/teen enters the real world and finds out that he just isn’t as talented, capable, or accomplished as he was led to believe.

Praise for real accomplishment however, is still appropriate as your child enters middle school, high school, and college. In order to find things that are truly praiseworthy, you may have to break an effort down into smaller parts. For example, “I know that you weren’t altogether happy with your performance, but the Allegro section of the piece was very good.” “I know that you were disappointed with the outcome of the race, but you swam really well in the last 25 meters.”

An Introduction to Honest Praise and Encouragement (Part 1 of 4)

The Prudent Parent knows that the best way to ensure a young child’s success is to engineer the environment for success. By planning ahead, parents can arrange situations such that the child will be successful in his efforts the vast majority of the time. For example, designating certain rooms of the house as the child’s rooms and carefully child-proofing them is a good first step. Next, providing interesting, age-appropriate toys for the child to play with leads to successful play. Finally, rotating out the toys as your child tires of them ensures the kind of novel experiences that promote successful experimentation. In addition, taking a toddler to a playground that is designed for toddlers rather than for older children ensures that the child will be successful in his attempts to use the equipment. Once the child has been successful, then parents can provide honest praise for the child’s effort or accomplishment ("I was very impressed with the way you climbed up the slide ladder with my help." “You did a great job walking on the low balance beam today!”).

In addition to creating environments that ensure success and give parents opportunities for sincere praise, Prudent Parents know that they can always provide encouragement for their child’s efforts even when the child is less than successful. Encouragement has advantages over praise in that it allows parents to value children as they are (“You sure are good at building with blocks!”); to demonstrate faith in the child (“I know that you will try your best to share your toys when David comes over to play.”); to appreciate the child’s contributions to the household (“Thank you for helping to put the dishes into the dishwasher”); and, to value improvement over accomplishment (“I know that it’s hard for you to remember to put your toys away after you play with them, but you did a much better job of doing that today than you did yesterday. Let’s finish the job together.”). (Dinkmeyer, 1989) Through encouragement, parents can demonstrate acceptance (“You really seem to enjoy painting.”) and confidence (“I’m sure that you’ll figure out a way to do it.”). You can focus on contributions (“Thank you for feeding the dog.”) as well as effort and improvement (“You sure have studied hard for your spelling test this week; look at the improvement you made as a result!”).

Parents who encourage their child to do his best and who recognize his effort will generally find that their child will put forth his best effort at most things. So, it is important to recognize your child’s efforts, especially in areas that your family values such as demonstrations of character, perseverance, and courage. Another technique that encourages children to do their best is to suggest to them that they set their own standards as often as possible. By setting their own standards, they will be more motivated to meet those standards (“What do you hope your time will be in the 50 meter butterfly this week?” “What grade would you be happy with on your spelling test on Friday?”).

Prudent Parenting and its Authoritative Parenting Roots

Because Prudent Parenting is based, in large part, on the principles of authoritative parenting, let’s take a look at authoritative parenting in more detail.

In general, authoritative parents are warm and accepting. They demonstrate satisfaction with their child’s traits and abilities. In addition, they seek out and enjoy the company of their child and provide lots of positive reinforcement. They are sensitive to their child’s needs and are interested in their child’s views.

With regard to behavioral expectations, the authoritative parent clearly defines expectations and consequences while firmly and consistently enforcing rules. This approach affects in positive ways the ability of children to behave appropriately. While they are willing to engage with their children in verbal give-and-take with regard to behavioral expectations, they rarely give in to coercive demands from the child. (Alvy, 2008)

Authoritative parents are highly responsive to their child’s needs, and they engage him in frequent interactions. In other words, they make their child a central part of their lives. They insist on mature behavior within age-appropriate norms and provide frequent feedback to their children regarding their behavior. Children of authoritative parents tend to internalize behavioral guidelines at an earlier age than children who are parented in either authoritarian or permissive ways, and they are more independent, more likely to achieve academically, and they tend to behave in more socially-acceptable ways. (Alvy, 2008)

Using many authoritative parenting strategies, the Prudent Parent encourages the following traits:

1. Decision-making—Children are encouraged to make decisions appropriate to their age and developmental level. This enables the child to develop self-confidence, problem-solving skills, resourcefulness, and a feeling of self-worth.

2. Respect—Children are treated with respect, and both parents and children have self-respect. Children learn to respect others, treating them with kindness and courtesy. Neither the parent nor the child allows himself to be bullied.

3. Responsibility—Children are expected to accept responsibility for themselves in a wide variety of areas. They participate in their own self-care to the greatest degree possible, and they are expected to contribute to the household in age-appropriate ways. They are held responsible for managing their schoolwork and their extra-curricular activities. As a result, children are likely to become self-reliant, capable, and independent.

4. Courage—Children are encouraged to accept challenges and to try new experiences. They are good risk-takers in that they willingly take intellectual, social, and emotional risks.

5. Discipline—Children are expected to become self-disciplined. Prudent Parents set realistic standards for behavior, are firm in their expectations for compliance, and reward appropriate behavior. Understanding that children will make mistakes, the Prudent Parent sees mistakes as learning experiences. Prudent Parents do not expect perfection from their child.

6. Perseverance—Children are expected to develop perseverance in the face of challenging tasks, and Prudent Parents are encouraging of children’s efforts and partial successes.

7. Independence—Children are encouraged to develop independence. They develop the skills necessary for responsible decision-making and self-care, and they learn to delay gratification.

In addition to promoting the traits listed above, the Prudent Parent recognizes that the same parenting strategies cannot be used across the child’s life from infancy through adolescence. The same core philosophy will endure, but the specific techniques will change with the child’s age and developmental stage.

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References

Alvy, K., (2008). The Positive Parent: Raising Healthy, Happy, and Successful Children, Birth to Adolescence. NY: Teachers College Press.

How You Were Parented Can Affect Your Parenting: Authoritarian, Permissive, and Authoritative Parenting Styles

There are many factors that determine what style a parent adopts with her own children. One factor is the way in which the parent was, herself, parented. In some cases, we want to emulate our parents, and in other cases, we seek to incorporate some, but not all, of our parents’ parenting techniques. Sometimes, we aim do the opposite of what our parents did. No matter what our intentions, it is important to understand that under stress, we may revert to the parenting style of our parents, even if that is not our plan. Awareness is the first step toward parenting in an intentional rather than in an automatic manner.

In an effort to understand the way in which you were parented, it is useful to understand a little about three general styles of parenting. In the parenting literature, parenting is generally categorized as authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative. After reading the following descriptions, see if you can place your parents’ style of parenting into one of these three categories.

Authoritarian parents tend to be detached and controlling, and they demonstrate little warmth toward their children. They set absolute standards for behavior, and they demand unquestioning obedience and respect for authority. Discipline is focused on punishment such as deprivation of privileges and material objects as well as physical punishments. Children of authoritarian parents tend to be distrustful, discontent, and withdrawn; they are often moody and unhappy; they can be unfriendly as well as passive-aggressive; and, they can be vulnerable to stress. (Black J., 1996)

Permissive parents tend to be warm but undemanding. They place little emphasis on responsibility, yet children are allowed to regulate their own behavior a good deal of the time. Children of permissive parents tend to be more impulsive and lower achieving than other children; they may demonstrate more aggressive and rebellious behaviors; and, they can be less self-reliant and self-controlled. (Black J., 1996)

Authoritative parenting is an affectionate and compassionate approach. The authoritative parent is nurturing and responsive yet behaviorally demanding. This approach promotes independence by offering behavioral choices within limits rather than telling children exactly what to do, by giving reasons for limits, and by encouraging verbal give-and-take when explaining rules. Children who are parented in an authoritative manner tend to be more self-reliant, self-controlled, and responsible; they have higher self-esteem; they are more content, friendly, and well behaved; they are more curious and achievement-oriented; they have a more well-developed sense of right and wrong; and, they are better able to handle stress. (Black J., 1996)

Once you have determined the general way in which you were parented, you can thoughtfully consider to what degree (or if) you want to emulate your parents. In addition, reading as much as you can about various subsets of these three general parenting styles can help you to develop your own parenting philosophy and style. In my next post, I look at authoritative parenting in more detail, as it forms the basis for Prudent Parenting.

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References

Black, J. and Puckett, M., (1996). The Young Child: Development from Prebirth Through Age Eight (2nd ed.). Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Merrill.

Understanding Motivation in Toddlers through Teens

The Prudent Parent recognizes that motivation is something that develops over time. Toddlers almost universally want to participate in self-care activities such as feeding, dressing, and bathing. By encouraging these activities, parents contribute to the child’s growing sense of self-confidence. Denying the toddler’s desire to “do it myself” creates an artificial dependence on parents, which can have negative ramifications later in the child’s life. If your toddler can’t quite do what he wants to do, then do it with him rather than for him. As he becomes more adept, do less and less until he is finally able to do it completely on his own. At that point, significant praise is warranted ("You did it all by yourself! What a big boy you are!").

In addition to encouraging self-care, parents who praise their young children’s early learning activities encourage them to develop new skills. Toddlers can learn to name colors, animals, and shapes. Preschoolers can begin to learn letters and numbers. Some can even learn to write and read a few words. Elementary-age children are motivated to produce and do many things of meaning and value, and when parents praise their child’s efforts, the child is motivated to continue. Remember, the child does not have to perform perfectly to deserve praise. Recognizing their efforts and partial successes is important as well ("You are making great progress with your reading. Soon you'll be reading chapter books!").

While the eventual goal is internal motivation—doing something for its own sake rather than for an external reward—internal and external motivation are not mutually exclusive. External motivation can turn into internal motivation under the right circumstances. If parents expose children to a variety of areas of interest, if they allow the child’s capability in the area of interest to unfold at its own pace (without pushing), and if they reward intellectual curiosity and risk taking (trying things that they are not sure that they can do), children can become absorbed in an interest and pursue it for its own sake rather than for the parents’ praise. (Levine, 2006)

The reason that internal motivation is the ultimate goal is that people who are internally motivated tend to enjoy their work more than people who work only for the external rewards that they receive. These individuals are also more likely to seek out challenges in life.

School-age children also seek to emulate parents, especially in their work ethic. If parents work hard, and if they talk about their own work and the perseverance that is required in the face of difficult tasks, their children are likely to develop a strong work ethic and are more likely to be able to withstand the inevitable frustrations and set-backs inherent in learning to do something new, such as learning to read, to write, and to calculate. Eventually, the pleasure in learning to do something new is enjoyed in its own right, not simply as a way to please parents. An inspiring teacher also has a positive effect on motivation. (Furman, 1987)

How can a parent tell if a child is internally motivated? Some indicators are that the child (Furman, 1987):

• tends to become absorbed in the tasks (reading, writing, building things);

• seeks opportunities to practice the skill (reading independently, practicing piano without being nagged to do so, counting everything in sight);

• demonstrates persistence in the face of challenges (practicing violin or playing soccer);

• seems to take genuine pleasure in the effort; and,

• does not seek external rewards (gold stars, tokens) for learning new things.

Without the internal motivation to learn and without deriving pleasure from the process of learning, school can become drudgery into young adulthood. If the parent models pleasure in learning, then the child probably will derive pleasure from learning, too. (Furman, 1987)

Sometimes children can judge themselves too harshly. Talking things over and being a bit of a cheerleader can sometimes help. This does not mean giving false praise. If the child fails in an attempt, if may be helpful for parents to say something like: “That is a good first try, and I’m sure you’ll get better at it in time.” or “I know that you didn’t play the piece perfectly, but the Allegro section sounded very polished.”

Parents can stimulate interests in children by exposing them to a wide variety of experiences. Attending concerts, dance recitals, and theater performances; going to sporting events; and, visiting museums or seeing an artist at work in her studio all can stimulate a child’s interest in an activity. Sometimes things just happen serendipitously. I saw my neighbor in the marching band in a parade once, and that inspired me to take up the clarinet, which I still play some forty-five years later.

In teens, motivation for high achievement must come from within; it cannot be the result of pressure from parents. The best thing that parents can do is to be supportive of their teen’s efforts in whatever they choose to do. Support involves warmth, encouragement, and appropriate levels of involvement (taking the teen to the library to study or to do research; introducing the teen to a variety of study skills; attending the teen’s performances, recitals, or games; and arranging for the teen to go to a summer programs such as Governor’s School, Girls’ State, or a language learning camp, etc.).

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References

Furman, E. (1987). Helping Young Children Grow. Madison: International Universities Press.

Levine, L. (2006). The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressures and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. New York: Harper Collins.

Financial Literacy Begins in Elementary School

Financial literacy is an crucial aspect of adult independence. The Prudent Parent recognizes that it is important to teach children from an early age to live within their means.

You can start giving your child an allowance in preschool or elementary school. Assuming that you are paying for all of his necessities, one dollar per year of age per week may be a good starting point for an allowance amount.

Parents may want to require that some percentage of the child’s allowance go into a charity fund to be disbursed by the child to a charity of his choice. Ten percent is a common amount. Explaining to children from an early age that there are people less fortunate than they are and that those people need help will encourage them to continue this practice in adulthood. It is also a good idea to involve your children in your decisions about at least some of your own charitable giving.

Keeping money in a shoe box or a piggy bank at home may be fine while your child is in grade school, but once he’s in middle school, it is a good idea for him to open a joint savings account with a parent. While interest rates are so low as to be negligible these days, you can still explain how interest works and that there are places to put one’s money (once there is more of it) that will earn a better rate of return.

In addition to an allowance, children in middle school and beyond can also be given a budget for clothes, school supplies, and other essentials, and they can be in charge of deciding how to spend that money. Parents should make sure that the budget is sufficient to allow the child to purchase what he needs but not so great as to eliminate the need to make some difficult choices. Teach the child about shopping sales, comparing prices, and about which stores offer the best value for the money.

In my opinion, it is important that allowance not be payment for doing regular chores. Regular chores are the responsibility of everyone in the family, and no one should be paid for doing them. Allowance is simply the sharing of the family’s income among family members. Children can always be given the opportunity to earn additional funds by doing special chores, however.

Parents should not be too generous with additional funds over and above allowance. One of the reasons for giving the child an allowance is to help him learn to live on a budget. If the child believes that he needs a “raise” because his funds are not sufficient to meet his needs, then he can present that argument to his parents. To this end, children should not be given “advances” or “credit.” They must learn to save their money for things that they want. It is not a good idea to get them into the habit of living on credit.

Teens may be interested in investments, and if they are, involve them in the financial management of the household as well as in your investment strategies.

One more thing to note is that parents need to be aware of where a teenager’s money is going. Temptations such as cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs will be available to teens, and the parent should be aware of disappearing funds (thus, the need for a joint savings account, the balance of which you can check periodically).

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Resources

Alby, K. (2008). The Positive Parent: Raising Healthy, Happy, and Successful Children, Birth to Adolescence. NY: Teachers College Press..

How is the Emotional Health of Your Family?

Certain characteristics of healthy families have been identified in the parenting literature (Bigner, 1994, p. 74). How many of the characteristics listed below describe your family?

• Family members listen to one another. When someone has a problem, he or she is heard without being criticized and without having his or her problem solved for them.

• Everyone in the family feels free to express his or her opinion without that opinion being discounted, judged, or made fun of.

• Everyone in the family feels respected and valued.

• Everyone’s privacy is respected. For example, it’s okay to lock one’s bedroom door and not okay to open someone else’s mail. Family members do not listen in on private phone conversations or read each other’s diaries.

• Traditions and rituals are observed by the family. For example, pumpkins are carved at Halloween, the Tooth Fairy visits the children when a tooth is lost, and certain foods are eaten at holiday celebrations.

• Disagreements and arguments are not suppressed. Children are allowed to see parents disagree and then make up and resolve their differences. Parents and children learn to admit when they are wrong, to apologize, and to make amends.

• Everyone takes on some responsibility for running the household. Chores are seen as contributions to the overall well-being of the family.

• There are things that the family does as a group, such as going on vacations; attending sporting events, theater performances, and concerts; and, visiting other family members.

• Family members are able to laugh at themselves and each other in good fun. There is a feeling of companionship and “all for one and one for all.”

• The family has a strong set of values, including a clear sense of what is “right” and what is “wrong.”

• The family supports one another’s spiritual beliefs.

• There is a willingness to seek outside help in times of crisis.

• Service to others is valued.

• Time is set aside for family meals on a regular basis, and conversation is seen as an important part of these mealtimes. The use of digital devices at mealtimes is not allowed, as it interferes with conversation.

According to Bigner, if you were able to answer “yes” to fewer than 12 of the 14 characteristics, your family may need to take steps to improve its emotional health.

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Resources

Bigner, J. (1994). Parent-Child Relations: An Introduction to Parenting. New York: Macmillan College Publishing Company.

Promoting Manners Starts Early

The Prudent Parent starts to model good manners from the time her child is a very young. If you consistently say “please” and “thank you” as well as “you’re welcome” and “excuse me” to your child, he is likely to follow your example. Make sure to reward courteous behavior with praise (“I like the way you said ‘please’ when you asked to go outside to play.”).

You may be surprised at how soon your child will begin to emulate you. My older daughter, Esther, was just beginning to speak when she started saying what sounded like “knock-kneed” quite frequently. We had no idea what it meant. Then, it morphed into “knock-you,” but we still didn’t catch on. One day, I handed her something that she indicated that she wanted, and she said it again. I finally figured out that she was saying, “thank-you.” And this was all before her first birthday.

Once your child is old enough to have friends over to play, teach him to be a good host by modeling appropriate hosting behaviors including the following: welcoming someone into your home; offering refreshments; considering the guest’s wishes and comfort; and thanking the guest for coming. Beginning in preschool, teach your child these courtesies and have him help to implement them. As part of “considering the guest’s wishes and comfort,” teach your child to solicit ideas from the guest as to what to play and to offer ideas of his own on play dates. If you help your child to behave appropriately whenever a friend comes over to play, by middle school, he will be a thoughtful host to friends and family members alike. (Garza, 2011)

In addition, insist that your child write thank-you notes after receiving a gift or going somewhere special with a friend’s family or a relative. For the child who is not yet able to write, you can have him draw a “thank-you picture,” and he can dictate words for you to write to accompany it. Once the child is able to write, he should write a hand-written note (or at least a “thank you” email). Starting this habit at an early age establishes it well before he moves out of the house, and he will thank you later for helping him to develop this very positive habit. (Garza, 2011) My husband recently interviewed a young man for a job, and after the interview, Eric received a handwritten note thanking him for giving the young man the opportunity to interview for the job. This made a huge impact on my husband and made the young man stand out from the other applicants. The young man got the job.

Table manners are also important. Learning to put his napkin in his lap as soon as he sits down at the table, to say “please” when asking for the salt and “thank you” after requesting that a family member “pass the potatoes,” and not to talk with his mouth full are all things that your preschooler can learn. By elementary school, your child should also be able to hold his utensils in a conventional manner rather than in his fist. Parents should both model these behaviors and teach them explicitly.

I have seen many adults in the business world whose table manners are atrocious. It puts people off when others don’t exhibit basic table manners. You will be doing your child a favor by helping him to develop these courtesies when he is young so that they will be automatic by the time he enters into the world at large.

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References

Garza, P. (2011). 30 Surefire Ways to Raise an Independent Child. Kosse, TX: Lost and Profound.

Out of Town for a Few Days

I might not be able to post daily blog entries over the next several days, as I will be attending a wedding in my beloved Massachusetts. If I cannot access the Internet over the next few days, be assured that I'll be back writing on Monday. Thanks in advance for your patience. My next blog posts will be on the topics of teaching manners to children and the emotional health of families and how this affects children.

Once again, I urge you to comment on my posts either in the comments section or by emailing me at HarrietDurlingKaplan@gmail.com. I hope that you will offer constructive criticism of my remarks and that you will submit questions that you have on any topic related to Prudent Parenting. I promise to write back and to do the best I can to offer useful advice grounded in my experience as a teacher of children in preschool through high school, my experience as a parent, and in my take on the parenting literature.

Until Monday,

Harriet Durling Kaplan

Mathematical Literacy is Fun!

When enriching your child’s life, don’t forget about numbers and mathematical literacy development. Start by counting things. Count the number of Big Wheels outside the preschool building; count the number of swings at the playground; and count the number of dolls in the toy box. You can also compare quantity of things (“Who has more gummy bears left, you or your sister?”) or make size comparisons (“Who is taller, Mommy or Daddy?”).

Young children should be challenged to count everything in sight and to touch each object as it is counted whenever possible. This associates the process of counting with the concept of number. Children can also be encouraged to do mental arithmetic problems in meaningful contexts. I used to ask my children questions like, “How many of us are in the car?” “If we picked up Grandma and Grandpa, how many would there be then?” “How many would there be if we stopped for gas and I got out?”

As well, young children can solve simple addition and subtraction problems using manipulatives from a very young age. These manipulatives don’t have to be commercially-made; they can be created from almost any small objects such as buttons, shells, or small stones. Once they are shown how to do it, children enjoy solving increasingly challenging problems this way.

Just as children learn to recognize letters and associate them with sounds, young children can be exposed to numerals and to associate them with a corresponding number of items. For example, parents can seek out books in which numbers are featured, or they can create number books by writing a numeral on each page with the associated number of objects next to it. If you’re not much of an artist, colorful stickers can help with this.

Once children can do addition and subtraction in their heads (as in the car example, above) or with manipulatives, and once they can recognize numerals, they can begin to solve simple number sentences such as 1 + 3 = [ ]. It was once thought that young children were incapable of solving such problems, but I have found that some children as young as four can do it.

Our younger daughter, Miriam, started kindergarten when she was four and a half. She could do addition and subtraction in her head, but she couldn’t yet recognize the numerals. So the school provided her with a number line, and she would match the numeral on the paper with the numeral on the number line, then she would count up from zero to figure out what numeral it was. In this way, she was able to do the addition and subtraction problems in school. The teacher built upon her area of strength—mental math—to enable her to feel good about her ability to solve written problems.

As they become more confident with their arithmetic skills, the concepts of multiplication and division can be taught using manipulatives as well. With the use of manipulatives, questions like, “If I had sixteen pieces of candy, and I wanted to divide them equally among four friends, how many pieces of candy would each child receive?” and “If there were three monkeys in the cage at the zoo, and each monkey had three bananas, how many bananas would there be altogether?” may be solved. Eventually, elementary-age children will be able to do such problems in their heads.

When my children were in middle school, we used to practice rounding and adding numbers in our heads at the grocery store. Each time an item went into the cart, we’d round the amount to the nearest dollar, and then we’d add it to our running total. At the end, we’d make an estimate of how much our groceries would cost in total. We’d amaze the clerk in the store as we came close to the total amount spent almost every time.

Other abstract concepts involving numbers are date and time. You can start to talk about these concepts in when your child is in preschool. When going to preschool you can ask, “What day is today?” “What day will tomorrow be?” What day was it yesterday?” “How much time will it take for us to get ready for school in the morning?” “What time do we have to get up, then?”

Cooking is a great way to incorporate mathematical literacy into daily life. Once they are old enough to do more than just dump ingredients into the bowl and stir, they can learn to measure. This is a good way to introduce the concept of fractions in a meaningful way.

No matter exactly how you incorporate numbers and mathematical concepts into daily life, make sure to keep it fun, and children will see it as a game. Making math fun in the early years can go a long way toward helping children to enjoy the subject in school.

Literacy Development: Writing and Reading

The best way to get your child interested in reading and writing is to demonstrate that you enjoy doing both. Let him see you reading for pleasure (even if you only have time for a very limited amount of this sort of thing these days). Read to him as soon as he can sit propped up in your lap. Once he is older, talk about books you have read in front of him. Let him choose books at the library as well as the books he wants you to read at story time. Buy him books as gifts. Give him plenty of materials for drawing, scribbling, and writing. Write him little messages and put them in his lunch box.

Writing

Children who have been read to from an early age and who have observed their parents writing in the home understand that drawing and writing communicate ideas. The development of small-motor skills provides children of preschool age with the manual dexterity required to draw and write. Children will often write before they read if given the opportunity, the encouragement, and the materials. Learning to communicate through writing helps children to develop self-esteem and autonomy.

Young children are frequently interested in learning their letters. If you help them with this, and if you provide them with markers, crayons, and paper, they will often pretend to write using the various letters they know. Before I went to kindergarten, I remember experimenting with various combinations of letters and asking my mother “Is this a word?” “Is this a word?” Eventually, I wrote the word, “Noah.” I was very proud!

As children learn the sounds of the letters, given encouragement, they will start to use them to form words. At the beginning, they are likely to use only the first or the last letter of the word (“b” may mean “bed” or “book”), and then they will probably use both the first and last letter of the word (“bd” or “bk”). Later, they’ll start to fill in the other consonants (“btl” means “bottle). Finally, some of the vowels will appear (“botl”). Parents should not demand correct spelling of young children. Rather, they should make every attempt to learn to read their child’s writing, as this provides a great deal of motivation for the child to continue (“I wt to go to bd” means, “I want to go to bed.”).

It is important to note that early writing may not be horizontal or left-to-right in orientation, and spacing between letters and words may be irregular or nonexistent. Parents who recognize that the letters b, p, d, and q are very similar and may be interchanged are more likely to be able to read young children’s writing. Also, it is important to realize that the reversal of letters is common and is not necessarily an indicator of dyslexia.

Model writing by offering to put captions on your child’s drawings for him. Also, encourage your child’s early attempts at writing by suggesting that he write about his trip to the zoo or other outing, helping him if he requests it. At some point, he will probably try to do this himself. Provide plenty of praise for his early attempts at writing.

Elementary-age children will progress in their spelling from the “invented spellings” that they used in their writing in preschool and kindergarten to conventional spelling as they learn rules in the elementary grades. Parents should not be too quick to correct children’s invented spellings. Rather, they should help children understand the difference between “invented” spelling and “adult” spelling and offer to provide “adult” spelling if asked.

Reading

Reading to children from infancy is important for their language development and for their later development of pre-reading and reading skills. It also develops your child’s attention span. But it also should be done just because it promotes closeness between you and your child. Choose a comfy place to read and snuggle with your child as you read to him. Try to read for at least fifteen minutes a day. My children used to love story time so much that I had to limit the number of books I’d read to them at bedtime, or I would have been reading all night.

At first, you can read anything to a baby. It almost doesn’t matter. It’s the sounds of the words and the colorful pictures that are important. You might want to choose books that you enjoyed as a child. Also look for musical books, touch-and-smell books, and point-and-say books. Nursery rhymes are also attractive to babies because of the sounds of the rhyming words. The Read-Aloud Handbook by Jim Trelease is a good resource for parents when trying to find good books to read to their children.

Later, when the child is old enough to “help” you read a book by turning the pages, board books, cloth books, and bath books are impervious to the ravages of “helpful” little hands. At a certain age, children will offer to “read” a well-known book to their parent (and they will be amazingly accurate in their rendition). Most children of this age enjoy a trip to the library to pick out books.

Wordless picture books are enjoyable to “read” with your child as well. My children’s favorite was Pancakes for Breakfast by Tomie de Paola. You tell the story inspired by the pictures. Your child can help tell the story as well. Try taking turns with pages.

Preschoolers can enjoy predicting what will come next in a new book. Being able to make predictions and then seeing if they turn out to be true is a tool for helping your child associate reading with meaning. Also, reading books to your child that are slightly above his level is good for vocabulary development. When an unknown word appears, you can ask, “Do you know what a ’marsupial’ is?” And if he doesn’t, you can explain it to him. Don’t do this too often in one story, however, as it can interfere with the child’s enjoyment of the book.

Eventually, by pointing to the words as you read, your child will come to understand directionality in printed matter, and he will develop a concept of “word.” With repetition, he will start to recognize words on the page. Predicting what will happen in books helps children develop a concept of “story.” These are all important “pre-reading” and reading skills.

Children who are encouraged to read their own writing to parents and teachers will be motivated to learn to read in beginning readers. If parents have pointed to words as they have read to children in the early years, children will begin to recognize individual words. As words are recognized, parents can put them on index cards and add them to the child’s sight word “bank.”

Gradually, with the help of their sight word “bank,” children will make an attempt to decode unknown words. Once children are making an attempt to figure out unknown words, they can be encouraged to use a variety of strategies including context clues, picture clues, asking a reader, and sounding out. It is important for parents to recognize that in order to develop strong reading comprehension skills, they must be encouraged not simply to “call” words but to derive meaning from text.

You can even read aloud to children who can already read if they’ll let you. Try offering to read longer books or books above their reading level to them in parts. My mother read Mary Poppins and the Winnie the Pooh books to me when I was little, and I loved them. These days, children may want to hear the Harry Potter books before they can read them on their own. While reading more challenging books to your child, you can ask him if he knows what various words mean, and you can discuss similes and metaphors used by the author and whether they “work” for the child. Don’t overdo it, though, or you’ll spoil the story. As a change of pace, you can let your child read to you.

Oral Language in Elementary School

In elementary school, children learn new words readily. They study new subjects, and each subject has its own particular vocabulary. Furthermore, teachers model the use of oral language in the classroom, and children are encouraged to participate in classroom discussions. The greater the child's exposure to oral language in the home, the more successful he will be in expressing himself in the school setting.

School-age children love to play with language. They are often very fond of puns and jokes. In particular, kindergarteners seem to love knock-knock jokes. Parents can find joke books at the public library and on the Internet. As children move up in the elementary grades, they are able to understand figures of speech such as sarcasm (although using sarcasm with children is almost never appropriate), metaphors, and similes. When reading aloud to children, parents can point out uses of figurative language and ask children what the author might have intended.

Children benefit when adults use a rich vocabulary and narrate their thinking processes around their children (“It’s such a spectacular day today, I think we should go to the park.”). Children may ask what unknown words mean or they may be able to intuit their meaning from context. In either case, they are often able to incorporate these words into their own spoken vocabulary after only one hearing. In addition, children begin to be able to talk about their own thinking (“I wanted to go outside and play, but when I saw that it was raining, I decided to play indoors”). The ability to think about one's own thinking (known as "metacognition") is predictive of reading comprehension in the upper elementary grades.

By elementary school, children can use words effectively to a much greater degree than they did in preschool. Words can be relied on by the child to negotiate his world. Once he can easily name his emotions, he will be better able to get along with others and to get his needs met, and this allows him to become increasingly independent. In addition, elementary-age children begin to filter their language and do not say everything that comes into their heads. This is helpful in developing and maintaining relationships with others. Also, children of this age may begin to lie. In particular, they may tell “little white lies” to avoid hurting other people’s feelings.

In addition to lying, some children may begin to use swear words during this period. These children don’t necessarily know what the words mean, but they enjoy the shock value that such words often have. If parents use swear words around their children, their children will use them at home and at school. Parents are wise to curtail their use in the home and to discuss the nature of the words and their lack of appropriateness. If the child is exposed to swear words in movies, for example, a calm and matter-of-fact discussion can go a long way toward minimizing the child’s use of these words.

Promoting Oral Language in Preschoolers

Children who come from homes in which they are spoken to frequently are able to use words as tools to communicate more effectively outside the family. Preschoolers who are talked to regularly use words to express needs and wants, and, in time, they will be able to express feelings with words. Words do lose some of their magic powers, however, as wishes are not immediately gratified in the preschool setting. This can be a difficult learning experience for a preschool-age child.

Providing a vocabulary that enables preschoolers to talk about their feelings is important. Ignoring children’s feelings will not make them go away; rather, they will fester beneath the surface and come out in other, less appropriate, ways. The preschool teacher’s imprecation, “Use your words” may be used to good effect by parents in the face of the preschool-age child’s physical expressions of anger. Help your preschooler to explain his anger to others by narrating his feelings for him until he is able to do so himself (“Andrew, tell Jason how it made you feel when he knocked down your block tower. Say, ‘I’m feeling very angry at you, Jason. You knocked down my block tower. Will you help me build it again?’”).

In addition to talking about feelings, think out loud with preschoolers. Narrating your decision-making processes is helpful to them. “First, I did the laundry, then I put away the dishes, now I can go outside and play with you.” or “I chose to wear a rain coat today because the weatherman says it’s going to rain.”

Continue to scaffold preschooler’s speech. Providing expansions and extensions (see post from June 9th for a discussion of scaffolding, expansions, and extensions) will, over time, lead them to engage in richer forms of communication.